Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

I just do not handle changes to my routine well…

And I have been doing so well on this journey that even though I knew obstacles WOULD come, it kinda sucks that they came just eight weeks in…

I was hoping to be a bit stronger when they arrived…

The change in my job and actually, a career change, while exciting, and overall good, has left me feeling a bit funkylicious…

So here’s the bad:

My eating was bad. NOT awful, but bad. My journaling was half assed and I actually skipped two days in my journal for the first time since my restart. And my exercise was about half of what it should have been…

I feel the worst about my journaling. I know writting my food down is the number one key to my success and when I dont do it, I feel like a failure…

But not wanting to focus on the bad, here was the good:

I did another 5k. My favorite: American Heart Association Heart Walk. I do this one in memory of my dad who died from complications in 2003. And I always imagine him smiling down on me when I do it…I do hope he has been proud of me in the 6 years since his passing…

Now, this is my second 5k this year. And the really weird thing about this one? It didnt FEEL like a 5k in ANY way. Seriously…No muscle aches. No blistering. No real sweat. It was really really weird…

We got done, and I kid you not, I felt like I could go again?? WTH???

Has my body accostumed itself to 5k’s suddenly? I took my dog Zoe, and maybe because I was focused on her (This was her FIRST 5k) I failed to notice my own discomfort. I truly dont know. But I dont know if I liked the feeling.

I guess its time to move to the next phase…Jogging/running…Gotta keep challenging myself…

Next on my list is my 10k in September…This is the big one for me. The New Albany Walking Classic…It is STRICTLY for walkers and its a timed race. Its awesome. They will actually throw you off the course if they see you running…Its a GREAT incentive for walkers who are intimidated by you runners…(Yes you Stacey!! LOL)

So yesterday as I was lounging around the house kind of just chillin, I reviewed some picture discs that my ex had burned for me…All of my pictures from 2001 on…Talk about a freakin trip down memory lane…Not only personal, but man, I have been EVERY size under the sun…LOL…

Nasty pics of me at my highest around 250 pounds…ANd some AWESOME inspirational pics of me at my personal lowest, 179…Damn…I looked GOOD. Even at 179 (Which is still Fat by the way!!)

I confess…I did get momentarily depressed for letting myself regain some weight…

But again, tried to retrain my brain…

I decided to focus on the 5 and 10 K’s…

My first one I did was in May of 2004…I have continued doing them every year since then…Only managed one last year due to my back surgery, but other than that, have done 2-3 consistently every year…

This is a grand acheivement…To me anyway…

I am in the process of making a video collection of all my walk pics…

I think this will help motivate me and keep me focused on what I have acheived in five years on this journey…I also am going to post and print some of my “Skinnier” pics to remind myself that I did it once and I can AND WILL do it again…

I think these things will help turn the sadness and disappointment into motivatioin and focus…

So I am trying very hard to just shake off this week and not let it derail my entire train…It was one week and in the grand scheme of my life, it wont matter much, if I dont let it…

That, my friends, is the key…I can not let it…

So a new week…

Some new goals…

Some new focus…

I swear…

When I die, someone, ANYONE, please donate my brain to science…I want to discover why it is I am so incredibly nuts…

You know its bad when your OWN mind freaks you out…

So, I started a new job this week…And while its going well, its of course, thrown me off of my routine…We all know how Dawnie LOOOOVES her routines…

New location. New people. New lunch schedule. New drive. New hours. And, well, you get the picture…

I havent been to the grocery store, so I have NO healthy lunch choices…I am poorer than dirt right now so I cant BUY any healthy lunches out…Or snacks…The new job people love to eat so there is ALWAYS sweets going around…

UGH…

THEY MESSED UP MY ROUTINE!!!!!

So this week has been a challenge at best…

Whats different about this time is I now know myself enough to recognize the signs…And very early in the week I noticed I was derailing…I was just “off”. My food was off. My focus was off. I was drained and didnt want to work out…

I knew it was there. I recognized it. WANTED to get it back on the tracks but I wasnt quite sure HOW to do, only knew that eventually I would settle in…

Knew myself well enough to know that once I got my groove back on at work that everything would fall into place…So i kept telling myslef to just chill…That it WOULD get better…

And then tonight, something so very simple, made it all fall back into place…

I mean, seriously…

I found my route to and from work…

Thats it…

After four days, and four different ways, I found the way that I am now comfortable with, the one that makes sense, and there you go.

Came home, had a nice dinner, and went and worked out.

ANd just like that, that ONE thing falling into place, made everything else align itself…It was sooo weird…One little routine fixed, and suddenly my brain is happy…

Now that I was NOT expecting…But I will take it!!!

I worked out hard too…Not half assed…

I dont quite understand it myself, but I am so glad it happened…

And really, the most amazing thing is this…

I am learning myself…

Every day…

Every month…

Every year…

I am learning myself more and more…And although I will ALWAYS be one of those people that like their structure and their routines…I AM getting better at adapting to and dealing with change…

The changes that in the past would have taken me MONTHS to bounce back from whether it be work, life, whatever, now only take a day or two…

This change, a new job, even a year ago would have thrown me off for a solid month…

But not this time…

This time, in four short days I am already finding my groove again…And as the days go by and more things fall into place, I know it will even get better…

So yeah, the week started off pretty bad food/exercise wise…Not awful, but bad in comparison to where I have been…But I am determined to finish it on the upswing…

I worked out Tuesday and tonight…I have three more days to get through…I must eat well and EXERCISE event through the weekend,  and then I can lable this a success after all…

And since I am doing the American Heart Association 5k on Saturday, this should be a no brainer…LOL…

But, anyway, One week…One day…One pound at a time, I will get there…

Why oh why do they fly by so fast??

Well, I have lots to say as usual! LOL…

I can now safely reveal the secret I blogged about a few weeks ago…

I start a new job tomorrow…A PERMANENT, full time job! WOO HOO!!!

This will be my third “First Day” this year, and I can tell you without a doubt, I am tired of them…First one in January, down in Florida, then laid off…

Then again in July, with a temp position, and now this…I TRULY hope this will be my forever home…Or at least my home for quite awhile…I am sooo tired of being in limbo where a job is concerned.

I have been working for the last seven weeks, but it was a temporary gig, and I hated it…

Dont get me wrong, I was greatful for the temp gig, but let me tell you. I will NEVER work for a temp service again if I can help it. It sucked. They sucked. Period.

So anyway, I am excited. Grateful. And a bit nervous to be starting over, once again. But its a great job. Great salary. And a great opportunity. And I am soooooooo grateful in this economy to have finally found a permanent position after just five months…

Tommorrow also marks the seventh week of my health and fitness “re-launch”. As promised, I reviewed my journal again today just to gage my progress…

Overall, I am pleased…Really…

I havent felt this committed and motivated in many years…

Keeping my journal is going well. I continue to write everything down, even when I am not doing stellar.

An average of my calories over the last three weeks shows a daily average of 1478. This number was affected by just a handfull of bad days…Three, MAYBE four of the last 21…But also shows something…Three of four days is all it takes to mess you up…

My goal daily is 12-1300…So I am running almost 200 calories higher than I would like…So this DEFINITELY needs tweaking…

I often hate reviewing my journal. Afraid of what I might see…But I also know I MUST see it in black and white…

I did accomplish one more goal this week…As many of you know by my journals and my facebook updates…I went back to the gym…WOO HOO!!!

Seriously, it was like coming home…

I missed it soooooooooooo much…And getting back on my elliptical was sooo much easier than I thought it would be.

It continues to amaze me how much better MENTALLY I feel when I am working out…I feel IMMEDIATELY healthier…Happier…And more confident…

Even if I am the same exact weight, MENTALLY, I feel thinner…

And as most of us know, mental challenges are often the most difficult to overcome…So I am sooo glad to be back at my workout routine…

I did four days at the gym…And two days with an hour long walk…For a total of 6 days of exercise…

I was supposed to go to the gym today for my fifth day at the gym and to complete my goal for the week with my gal Nikki, but, well, it didnt happen…UGH…

Just like God intended, my Sundays are usually reserved for REST…LOL…

So overall, I still have many areas to improve…I keep telling myself that perfection is NOT the goal…Perseverance is…

I want to get my calories back down…I want to continue to increase my DAYS of exercise and my time spent at the gym…I want to continue to lesson the days I flub up…I want to make better choices when I am out in social functions.

But to be honest…

With just seven weeks in…And yet another new life change before me again…I still feel good…Like this is a battle that I am in fully…

I have no official number of loss yet…Soon. Soon I will get on that scale…But this journey is not about a scale this time around for me. And I mean that. Been there.

This time its about permanent, life long, HEALTHY changes…Where I feel good about myself no matter what weight I eventually settle at…

Little changes are starting to emerge. Probably unnoticed by anyone but myself…

The thinning of my face…The loosening of a waist line…Just ever so slightly…But they are there…

I feel focused…I feel excited…And for the first time in 2009, I can honestly say, I feel HAPPY!!!!!

Have a wonderful week all!!!

It occurred to me today in one of my many trips through the analytical forest of my mind.

I pride myself, always, on my honesty and my integrity, and my openness…These are qualities that are extremely important to me. I don’t EVER want to be anyone other than my authentic true self.

Games of that nature have never interested me. People only interested in the one side of me, and not the total package, hold little interest for me. You want happy, funny, sexy Dawn? Guess what? You need to put up with crabby, stubborn, OCD Dawn too…

And I guess you could say I do my best to surround myself with likeminded people…I want GOOD honest people in my life…But of course, there is only one of me. And I am quite the original…LOL…

So as I was deep in thought, yet again, I started thinking how often I utter the phrase “I have no regrets” And for years I have been saying I live my life with “Little to no regrets” which I realized JUST TODAY is a total and utter cop out…

No. Really!

And anyone who says that. Or thinks that in your OWN life is very disillusioned.

Trust me. I sit here today a bit sad and disillusioned with myself…

Of COURSE there are regrets!!! How could there not be?? For any of us? Some big. Some small.

Every day of our lives we are faced with a THOUSAND decisions…From the moment we get up till we fall asleep. From the very very tiny to the major life changing and earth shattering.

And for every decision we make, there is an outcome.

Should I leave at 8:00 or 8:05? Should I wear the blue shirt or the white shirt?

I was thinking on this today, in relation to my move in November…

In November, at the age of 36, I decided that it would be a perfectly brilliant idea to leave a great job, and move five states away to Florida. I told myself I was at a point in my life where if I didn’t at least TRY, I would ALWAYS regret it…And you know me…I don’t want regrets. EVER.

I told myself I had no “baggage” so to speak. No kids. No spouse. I was completely uproot-able…I had “No ties” here…

What a crock of crap.

Hello?? McFly???

I had a job. A GREAT job. One of the BEST jobs I have ever had. I had family that loved me very much. I had dogs who loved me. I had friends that loved me. If those are not ties, I do not know what are.

So, long boring story short, I went, I came back, and here I am, trying to come back from that decision. One of the “Not so bright” decisions I made recently…(Yep, another one tossed in the bucket…)

But the thing I realized today is…And this is HUGE people…Is that it didn’t matter…

That decision gave me NO RELEIF WHATSOEVER from the demon that is the “WHAT IF???”

If I had gone or if I had stayed…Either decision was riddled with consequences…

I left to end the relentless wondering…But the reality is that the wondering is still there…

What in my life today would have played out differently if I had just stayed?

A decision of that magnitude was doomed from the get go…Because either scenario offered consequences…You know…The beloved “What if?”

Now, I pride myself on my intelligence. Really. My capacity to analyze and think things through. My compassion. My kindness. I am no genius, but I know a thing or two! And I do try hard to make the best decisions always.

But hey! Guess what? I mess up too…(Trust me. I am as shocked as you!)

Regrets? I guess in reality I have a bucket full…

Sure…I try to own up quickly… Make my mistakes…Fix what I can…And move on, but I do have them…

I wonder…

If I had worn my flip flops today instead of my black shoes, would that have changed something down the road in my life?? Okay. Maybe that’s the simplest form of this blog, but you see what I am getting at??

Every single thing we do from one second to the next impacts our life in some way…

And guess what? When our life is impacted, it also reaches out and gently nudges the lives of those around us…Connected to us…(I know, like we needed MORE pressure not to screw up, right?)

Some consequences we will recognize immediately. Some things won’t surface for years…

I am just now getting it people…(I know, so much for the afore mentioned intelligence, eh?)

I am now having to deal daily with decisions I made years ago…My life. My job. My relationship. My weight. (Good grief!! I could write a novel on the weight loss decisions alone!!)

For the last few years I have been living my life loud, publically, and at full force. Doing what I felt I “needed” to do in order to have the fewest regrets on my deathbed…To live my most authentic life…I wanted to be true to ME!! ME ME ME…

Today, for the first time in a long time, and without any real therapy (), I realized it doesn’t matter…

One regret will always replace another…One decision always replaces another…One outcome simply replaces another. 

And thinking of the “What ifs” and the “If onlys” will slowly kill you…

Most of us make the best decisions we can make based on all the information we have at that time…That’s all we can ever do…

And if the decision is wrong, so be it…If it’s right, but still has a ripple effect, so be it…

At some point we must simply let it all go…Or it will surely kill us…

So even now. As I write this blog. I am enlightened once again in my life, I have another choice. I can of course dwell FOREVER on the actions I should have, could have, but didn’t do…

Or

I can simply acknowledge that YES. I have a TON of regrets in my life. Bad decisions a plenty.

People I loved. People I lost. Jobs I abandoned. Family I lost touch with. Friends I let go. WEIGHT I allowed to creep back on after swearing I wouldn’t…Yep. REGRET REGRET REGRET…

But I can hope that in the big scheme of MY LIFE…That which belongs to ME and only me, that the percentage of GOOD choices and decisions I made will somehow outweigh the bad.

That somehow where I am currently in life is where I was always meant to be!

That this was the plan, all along, and the route I took to get here was left up to me.

I can hope, just a bit, that as the days go by, I get better at knowing myself, and better yet, UNDERSTANDING myself. And make choices based on the good of the whole of my life and those that have chosen to love me, and not make decisions based on any one given selfish moment in time…

In summary…

I am, as always, a work in progress…Trying to dance through this thing called Life with as little casualties as possible to my person and those that surround me…

I know. I know. It is truly shocking…LOL…

Actually, I am wrong plenty of times and unlike a lot of people in life, I often note when I am, and go about correcting any harm I may have caused…

Heck, sometimes I even take the blame for crap I didn’t do!! This is what happens when you spend a great deal of time in your own head analyzing things…

You not only find other’s imperfections but a great deal of your own too…

So last week I blogged about my frustration with the male brain, and in particular, Brian’s brain…

I got enough feedback to know that it sadly is not just a “Brian” thing…It is, apparently, a gender thing.

Okay. Fine. I get it…

This is all part of the Male package…

So I now have to decide if I can deal with this for the rest of my life…Or just say screw it, and become a female only zone…LOL…

In his defense, and much to my admiration, he did read my blog…

We waited a few days to discuss so that I could calm down and he could process…

So Sunday we have “The Talk”…And much like I had already known, he apologized for letting me down, promised to try harder, but also asked that I simply tell him what I want…This brought up my counter point that sometimes I just don’t want to tell you. Period. I want you to figure it out. And I think we just agreed to disagree at that point…

So flash forward to Sunday evening…And we are prepping our meals for the week…

And he starts packing my lunch. I am in the back bedroom he is in the kitchen…He yells back to confirm what sandwich I want. How much mayo to use, etc. (He knows I am counting calories, and this is why all the questions…)

I hear myself answering his questions…Not irritated in the least on this day…

Then I hear myself say “But please fold the meat in threes…And then crisscross the upper layer…”

He comes into the bedroom perplexed, half made sandwich in hand… “Umm, WHAT?”

I repeat “Well, I have to have the meat folded like this (And I use my hands to demonstrate) layered three across, and then a second layer of three folded across, but the other way…”

I apologize to him even as I am saying it for even I can hear that it sounds RIDICULOUS, but I can’t help it truly…It’s my OCD, honest…My meat HAS to lay this way or I won’t eat the sandwich…

(I do the same thing with Toast and PB and J’s too. HATE having anyone else make them for me because they don’t do it like I need it done…LOL)

He looks at me, almost on the verge of tears…GOOD tears…Laughter induced tears and says the truest words ever…

“And you REALLY expected me to do this on my own last week without asking you ANY questions?”

POINT TAKEN.

Brian 1= Dawn 0

I start laughing as well. And I APOLOGIZE to him, because it did suddenly strike me how ridiculous I was being from last week, because yes, even if he HAD packed my lunch, it wouldn’t have been right, and he would have heard about it…LOL…

The whole damned if you do damned if you don’t scenario…

So I gained a little more insight into myself and to this new relationship.

To Brian’s credit, I think his good natured, laid back-ness attitude is definitely a good counter balance to my intense, high strung-ness. It is fascinating though, to be 37 years of age, and STILL learning things about yourself…

It’s also interesting to be navigating the waters of a new relationship this late in the game…It has its frustrations for sure…But it also has a heck of a lot of “A-HA” moments…

Those moments you realize “Ahhh. So that’s what my ex was talking about…” LOL…

I am glad that I am open to it though…And I am glad that Brian has the patience of a saint when it comes to dealing with me…

Because I KNOW I am trying at times…And I KNOW my expectations are ridiculous most of the time…

But for some reason, the guy still hangs with me…

Must be my extreme good looks, my over abundance of charm, my keen sense of style, and my earth shattering wit…LOL…

There were a LOT of things, and writting it out will help me…I will mention the things I did not do great with, but will refuse to let them get to me…

So, I just had a scheduled four day social tornado…

It’s remarkable really, because usually I dont have a ton of things going on, nor the money to do them with…

But for some reason, from Thursday night through today, I was a social butterfly…

As we all know on this weight loss journey, ONE social event can make us or break us, but FOUR???

So here is the good, the bad, and the ugly…

Thursday- Thursday  I call a success…Beer tasting and Chinese which I previously blogged about was good. I made it through the night UNDER my caloric limit and still enjoyed myself immensely…

Friday-Friday I am going to say was not a success, but not a complete failure. The morning started with me running late, so I didnt pack my breakfast…FAIL…I have learned this lesson before…

So I got to work and had an egg sandwhich from the deli. I switched from the croissant to plain toast, left off the cheese and went with ham instead of sausage…PASS. Little things add up people…

I wrote the calories down, had my lunch later, and all and all felt okay. I was running a little high on my calories by dinner time AND I was eating a late dinner…FAIL…This is another lesson learned…

So we were meeting some friends for dinner at 7:30, and when I got home at 5 I was already at 800 calories. SO I knew it would be tight and I didnt want to eat a snack at home and waste more calories…

Well, we get to the restaraunt and my friend is running late and we were STARVED and we did a GIANT no no. We ordered an appetizer. Spinach Artichoke dip. FAIL…

I rebounded with my dinner when I ordered a Tomoato and Mozzarella Salad. Light. Healthy. And YUM. Add in the two beers I drank and I ended my night way too high. Just under 2000 calories…

Friday was not great. BUT, it could have been way worse. Dinner saved me. And in the past I would have just said screw it, and orderd the wings anyway…I did NOT do that this time. So I am going to focus on that.

Saturday-Saturday I was REALLY worried about. It was the Irish Festival. Lots of deep friend goodness and things on a stick. You know how  I love those!

I stopped at the C-Store and got a protein bar. Something I had NEVER done. But I didnt want a big heavy breakfast and I wanted to save most of my calories for the fest. It was a 300 calorie bar which made my heart hurt, but it did the trick…I was pretty good at teh festival. No, actually, I was really good…

I had a corned beef sandwich…Three of six deep fried pickles and one beer…ALL DAY…Not bad. Not bad at all…PASS!

(I will say that I did go back later to stand in line for some fries, or a funnel cake, but the line was so long I gave up. I decided it was a sign from god that I really didnt need it….And I really wasnt all that hungry…)

Sunday-We were supposed to get up early and head for Cleveland for another beer event…

Well, we woke up at six a.m. and decided it just wasnt a good idea. We were tired from being at the festival all day the day before. Brian was not feeling great. We have about 5 other things we could spend the money on that we would have spent, and I CERTAINLY didnt need another day of food and beer…So we stayed home…And this made Sunday a SUCCESS!!

I immediately grab my journal and start planning the days meals so I can get back on my track…

So this morning I review my journal…I hadnt pointed anything since THursday night..ANd I was tempted to skip Friday and Saturday and just work on today…

But then I decided against it…This my friends is another SUCCESS…

I went back and held myself accountable…I wrote down Friday and Saturday’s foods…And the damage was not near as bad as I thought…Friday was bad, but not life shattering…2000 calories…Saturday was about 1600 calories…Not great, but a thousand times better than I would have done years ago…

So out of four days, two were awesome. One was okay. And one disappointed me.

But here are my lessons. I have got to STOP letting myself get hungry. WHen I am hungry I lose all power to make good decisions. My stomach over rules my head ALWAYS…

I need to plan better. I did a decent job but I need to do better. I should have had a light snack prepared for Friday before dinner, and this would have helped me skip the Spinach Artichoke dip. It also would have helped with my breakfast at work.

And the other thing I learned is that I am going to be okay. No. Really.

I wrote in my journal even though I didnt want too.

I came on here to blog and read blogs.

And I did a ton of walking to help curb the calories….

I talked myself out of things several times, and overall, made better choices this time than I have PROBABLY on any other time on this journey…

So over all, I am with my gal Nikki on this one. I had a great week, lots of fun with friends…But I am soooooooooooo ready to get RIGHT BACK AT MY ROUTINE…

And this week I VOW I will finally join my YMCA so I can start doing my elliptical. I am tired of talking about it and now just need to do it…

Oh…Just one slightly amusing side note…

That scale thats now in the hallway…You know, the one that has special mind controling powers?

Yeah. It got Brian today.

I watched, amused, as he stood on it. Got off it. And got back on it.

He says “OH, that cant be right…”

Well, I saw what it said. And I saw what it said last week when he weighed…And he was up about 4 pounds…

He was in complete denial…LOL…

I said “See…You see how frustrating it can be to go up and down over night?? THIS is why I refuse to weigh daily…Far too many fluxuations…”

I gotta say…

It was nice to see a man experiencing a little bit of scale anger…