This is my confession…

I am a big fat liar…

No…Really!

It occurred to me today in one of my many trips through the analytical forest of my mind.

I pride myself, always, on my honesty and my integrity, and my openness…These are qualities that are extremely important to me. I don’t EVER want to be anyone other than my authentic true self.

Games of that nature have never interested me. People only interested in the one side of me, and not the total package, hold little interest for me. You want happy, funny, sexy Dawn? Guess what? You need to put up with crabby, stubborn, OCD Dawn too…

Surface friendships lacking any true connection have never interested me.

I can’t stand liars. Fakes. People who say one thing and do another.

And I guess you could say I do my best to surround myself with likeminded people…I want GOOD honest people in my life…But of course, there is only one of me. And I am quite the original…LOL…

So as I was deep in thought, yet again, I started thinking how often I utter the phrase “I have no regrets” And for years I have been saying I live my life with “Little to no regrets” which I realized JUST TODAY is a total and utter cop out…

No. Really!

And anyone who says that. Or thinks that in your OWN life is very disillusioned.

Trust me. I sit here today a bit sad and disillusioned with myself…

Of COURSE there are regrets!!! How could there not be?? For any of us? Some big. Some small.

Every day of our lives we are faced with a THOUSAND decisions…From the moment we get up till we fall asleep. From the very very tiny to the major life changing and earth shattering.

And for every decision we make, there is an outcome.

Should I leave at 8:00 or 8:05? Should I wear the blue shirt or the white shirt?

Now, overall, those two examples should have no impact on your overall life…

But what if they DID???

I was thinking on this today, in relation to my move in November…

In November, at the age of 36, I decided that it would be a perfectly brilliant idea to leave a great job, and move five states away to Florida. I told myself I was at a point in my life where if I didn’t at least TRY, I would ALWAYS regret it…And you know me…I don’t want regrets. EVER.

I told myself I had no “baggage” so to speak. No kids. No spouse. I was completely uproot-able…I had “No ties” here…

What a crock of crap.

Hello?? McFly???

I had a job. A GREAT job. One of the BEST jobs I have ever had. I had family that loved me very much. I had dogs who loved me. I had friends that loved me. If those are not ties, I do not know what are.

So, long boring story short, I went, I came back, and here I am, trying to come back from that decision. One of the “Not so bright” decisions I made recently…(Yep, another one tossed in the bucket…)

But the thing I realized today is…And this is HUGE people…Is that it didn’t matter…

That decision gave me NO RELEIF WHATSOEVER from the demon that is the “WHAT IF???”

If I had gone or if I had stayed…Either decision was riddled with consequences…

I left to end the relentless wondering…But the reality is that the wondering is still there…

What in my life today would have played out differently if I had just stayed?

A decision of that magnitude was doomed from the get go…Because either scenario offered consequences…You know…The beloved “What if?”

Now, I pride myself on my intelligence. Really. My capacity to analyze and think things through. My compassion. My kindness. I am no genius, but I know a thing or two! And I do try hard to make the best decisions always.

But hey! Guess what? I mess up too…(Trust me. I am as shocked as you!)

Regrets? I guess in reality I have a bucket full…

Sure…I try to own up quickly… Make my mistakes…Fix what I can…And move on, but I do have them…

I wonder…

If I had worn my flip flops today instead of my black shoes, would that have changed something down the road in my life?? Okay. Maybe that’s the simplest form of this blog, but you see what I am getting at??

Every single thing we do from one second to the next impacts our life in some way…

And guess what? When our life is impacted, it also reaches out and gently nudges the lives of those around us…Connected to us…(I know, like we needed MORE pressure not to screw up, right?)

Some consequences we will recognize immediately. Some things won’t surface for years…

I am just now getting it people…(I know, so much for the afore mentioned intelligence, eh?)

I am now having to deal daily with decisions I made years ago…My life. My job. My relationship. My weight. (Good grief!! I could write a novel on the weight loss decisions alone!!)

For the last few years I have been living my life loud, publically, and at full force. Doing what I felt I “needed” to do in order to have the fewest regrets on my deathbed…To live my most authentic life…I wanted to be true to ME!! ME ME ME…

Today, for the first time in a long time, and without any real therapy (), I realized it doesn’t matter…

One regret will always replace another…One decision always replaces another…One outcome simply replaces another. 

And thinking of the “What ifs” and the “If onlys” will slowly kill you…

Most of us make the best decisions we can make based on all the information we have at that time…That’s all we can ever do…

And if the decision is wrong, so be it…If it’s right, but still has a ripple effect, so be it…

At some point we must simply let it all go…Or it will surely kill us…

So even now. As I write this blog. I am enlightened once again in my life, I have another choice. I can of course dwell FOREVER on the actions I should have, could have, but didn’t do…

Or

I can simply acknowledge that YES. I have a TON of regrets in my life. Bad decisions a plenty.

People I loved. People I lost. Jobs I abandoned. Family I lost touch with. Friends I let go. WEIGHT I allowed to creep back on after swearing I wouldn’t…Yep. REGRET REGRET REGRET…

But I can hope that in the big scheme of MY LIFE…That which belongs to ME and only me, that the percentage of GOOD choices and decisions I made will somehow outweigh the bad.

That somehow where I am currently in life is where I was always meant to be!

That this was the plan, all along, and the route I took to get here was left up to me.

I can hope, just a bit, that as the days go by, I get better at knowing myself, and better yet, UNDERSTANDING myself. And make choices based on the good of the whole of my life and those that have chosen to love me, and not make decisions based on any one given selfish moment in time…

In summary…

I am, as always, a work in progress…Trying to dance through this thing called Life with as little casualties as possible to my person and those that surround me…

I may stumble…I may fall…But I will ALWAYS pick myself up, dust myself off, apologize to those I knocked over, and continue on my way…

A year…A month…A week…

Seriously…I find it soooo hard to believe Monday has arrived already…

My weekends of late have been soooo nice…Calm…Fun…Time with friends…Family…Brian and Zoe (The mutt)…And I find it gets harder and harder to get up and get motivated on Mondays…Ugh…

So its time to check in with myself…

I have been BACK on my journey now for just over one month…I recommitted myself on July 1st, and officially started logging my calories, journalling, blogging, etc….on July 6th…

Overall, I am giving myself a B+…

I am still struggling on the weekends a bit during social functions…It is VERY difficult to maintain 1200 calories at a cook out…Or going out to dinner, etc…

So I am still working on this…And I either need to stop doing anything social for a while or I need to raise my calories to 1400 on the weekend…Because if I dont, then mentally I feel a bit guilty and like I have failed…

During the week I am doing great. Journalling I am doing great. Planning meals with Brian have been going GREAT. He is truly in this with me…He reads labels now. Helps me decide what I can have and what I cant. Its nice and I appreciate his effort.

Now that I have formed my new routine, I am also ready to reinstate my “Free Day”. I am a big beleiver in these so that you dont feel deprived. The key is to keep them to a minimum.

On my first jourey I actually gave myself one a week…So I had six days on program and one day off…It worked, I still managed to drop my weight…

But this time I think I will start with once every two weeks…I will give myself one free day. Free from counting calories, journalling and exercise if I choose too…Of course, my hope here is that I wont choose too!!!

I will be weighing in again this weekend…Have decided to just do this monthly for now…Because I do NOT want to be a slave to the scale but I DO need to gage my progress…So once a month for me…

This week saw the completion of one more small goal I set for myself…

Saturday I finally joined the YMCA…I was finding too many excuses and blaming it on financials…In reality, it cost me just 65 dollars to join myself AND Brian up for the first month, and that is what we could spend in a weekend on going out to eat, beer, clothes, etc…

So I did it.

Is it a great gym? Nope. Its old. Outdated. Small.

But it has what I need. Treadmills. Ellipticals. Weights…And its less than two minutes from our house…So it will do for now…So I have completed all my small starting goals…And overall, I would say I am a B+ for now, working towards that A…

Another anniversary passed this week for me…

One year ago I had back surgery…

This was a decision that truly changed my life.

Living with chronic back pain was a bitch. Truly. Towards the last year of it, it was soooo severe that I had trouble sleeping. I had trouble walking. My burst disc was pressing constantly on my nerves in my back…

I couldnt work out. I was always tired.I was always crabby.I gained over 15 pounds. I had trouble sitting at work. I popped pills like crazy to dull the pain.  I have no idea how I functioned….

I ignored myself and my body sooo often…I kept thinking it was nothing and I should just be tough and learn to deal with it…

SO WRONG…

It was only when I finally demanded action from my doctor and told her how severe the pain was, that within a week I had all tests done and surgery scheduled…

And even though my back will NEVER be right, and even now, sometimes it gives out if I turn the wrong way…It is sooooooooooooooo much better than it has been in ten years that I truly feel like I gained a few years of life back…

So in the month to come I will continue to tweak my calories. Finding a range that works for me…

In the immediate week ahead my goals are simple:

**Go to the gym for a mininum of 5 days, for an hour at a time.
**Stay UNDER 1300 calories consistently for 7 days.
**Weigh in on Saturday no matter how I am feeling.
**Continue to journal and blog.

My hope is next month when I write my month in review that I will have a nice loss to report…Five to ten pounds would be delightful…

Thats the upside to weighing once a month…

When I do weigh, if all goes well, and I have done what I need to do, the weight will be coming off in bigger chunks!
WOO HOO!!!

Have a great week all and I hope you are all having success on your journey!!!

I’ll have a piece of that Humble Pie…

You know…Sometimes I AM wrong…

I know. I know. It is truly shocking…LOL…

Actually, I am wrong plenty of times and unlike a lot of people in life, I often note when I am, and go about correcting any harm I may have caused…

Heck, sometimes I even take the blame for crap I didn’t do!! This is what happens when you spend a great deal of time in your own head analyzing things…

You not only find other’s imperfections but a great deal of your own too…

So last week I blogged about my frustration with the male brain, and in particular, Brian’s brain…

I got enough feedback to know that it sadly is not just a “Brian” thing…It is, apparently, a gender thing.

Okay. Fine. I get it…

This is all part of the Male package…

So I now have to decide if I can deal with this for the rest of my life…Or just say screw it, and become a female only zone…LOL…

In his defense, and much to my admiration, he did read my blog…

We waited a few days to discuss so that I could calm down and he could process…

So Sunday we have “The Talk”…And much like I had already known, he apologized for letting me down, promised to try harder, but also asked that I simply tell him what I want…This brought up my counter point that sometimes I just don’t want to tell you. Period. I want you to figure it out. And I think we just agreed to disagree at that point…

So flash forward to Sunday evening…And we are prepping our meals for the week…

And he starts packing my lunch. I am in the back bedroom he is in the kitchen…He yells back to confirm what sandwich I want. How much mayo to use, etc. (He knows I am counting calories, and this is why all the questions…)

I hear myself answering his questions…Not irritated in the least on this day…

Then I hear myself say “But please fold the meat in threes…And then crisscross the upper layer…”

He comes into the bedroom perplexed, half made sandwich in hand… “Umm, WHAT?”

I repeat “Well, I have to have the meat folded like this (And I use my hands to demonstrate) layered three across, and then a second layer of three folded across, but the other way…”

I apologize to him even as I am saying it for even I can hear that it sounds RIDICULOUS, but I can’t help it truly…It’s my OCD, honest…My meat HAS to lay this way or I won’t eat the sandwich…

(I do the same thing with Toast and PB and J’s too. HATE having anyone else make them for me because they don’t do it like I need it done…LOL)

He looks at me, almost on the verge of tears…GOOD tears…Laughter induced tears and says the truest words ever…

“And you REALLY expected me to do this on my own last week without asking you ANY questions?”

POINT TAKEN.

Brian 1= Dawn 0

I start laughing as well. And I APOLOGIZE to him, because it did suddenly strike me how ridiculous I was being from last week, because yes, even if he HAD packed my lunch, it wouldn’t have been right, and he would have heard about it…LOL…

The whole damned if you do damned if you don’t scenario…

So I gained a little more insight into myself and to this new relationship.

To Brian’s credit, I think his good natured, laid back-ness attitude is definitely a good counter balance to my intense, high strung-ness. It is fascinating though, to be 37 years of age, and STILL learning things about yourself…

It’s also interesting to be navigating the waters of a new relationship this late in the game…It has its frustrations for sure…But it also has a heck of a lot of “A-HA” moments…

Those moments you realize “Ahhh. So that’s what my ex was talking about…” LOL…

I am glad that I am open to it though…And I am glad that Brian has the patience of a saint when it comes to dealing with me…

Because I KNOW I am trying at times…And I KNOW my expectations are ridiculous most of the time…

But for some reason, the guy still hangs with me…

Must be my extreme good looks, my over abundance of charm, my keen sense of style, and my earth shattering wit…LOL…

Happy day all!!!

For once in my life…

I am going to focus on what I did right this weekend…

There were a LOT of things, and writting it out will help me…I will mention the things I did not do great with, but will refuse to let them get to me…

So, I just had a scheduled four day social tornado…

It’s remarkable really, because usually I dont have a ton of things going on, nor the money to do them with…

But for some reason, from Thursday night through today, I was a social butterfly…

As we all know on this weight loss journey, ONE social event can make us or break us, but FOUR???

So here is the good, the bad, and the ugly…

Thursday- Thursday  I call a success…Beer tasting and Chinese which I previously blogged about was good. I made it through the night UNDER my caloric limit and still enjoyed myself immensely…

Friday-Friday I am going to say was not a success, but not a complete failure. The morning started with me running late, so I didnt pack my breakfast…FAIL…I have learned this lesson before…

So I got to work and had an egg sandwhich from the deli. I switched from the croissant to plain toast, left off the cheese and went with ham instead of sausage…PASS. Little things add up people…

I wrote the calories down, had my lunch later, and all and all felt okay. I was running a little high on my calories by dinner time AND I was eating a late dinner…FAIL…This is another lesson learned…

So we were meeting some friends for dinner at 7:30, and when I got home at 5 I was already at 800 calories. SO I knew it would be tight and I didnt want to eat a snack at home and waste more calories…

Well, we get to the restaraunt and my friend is running late and we were STARVED and we did a GIANT no no. We ordered an appetizer. Spinach Artichoke dip. FAIL…

I rebounded with my dinner when I ordered a Tomoato and Mozzarella Salad. Light. Healthy. And YUM. Add in the two beers I drank and I ended my night way too high. Just under 2000 calories…

Friday was not great. BUT, it could have been way worse. Dinner saved me. And in the past I would have just said screw it, and orderd the wings anyway…I did NOT do that this time. So I am going to focus on that.

Saturday-Saturday I was REALLY worried about. It was the Irish Festival. Lots of deep friend goodness and things on a stick. You know how  I love those!

I stopped at the C-Store and got a protein bar. Something I had NEVER done. But I didnt want a big heavy breakfast and I wanted to save most of my calories for the fest. It was a 300 calorie bar which made my heart hurt, but it did the trick…I was pretty good at teh festival. No, actually, I was really good…

I had a corned beef sandwich…Three of six deep fried pickles and one beer…ALL DAY…Not bad. Not bad at all…PASS!

(I will say that I did go back later to stand in line for some fries, or a funnel cake, but the line was so long I gave up. I decided it was a sign from god that I really didnt need it….And I really wasnt all that hungry…)

Sunday-We were supposed to get up early and head for Cleveland for another beer event…

Well, we woke up at six a.m. and decided it just wasnt a good idea. We were tired from being at the festival all day the day before. Brian was not feeling great. We have about 5 other things we could spend the money on that we would have spent, and I CERTAINLY didnt need another day of food and beer…So we stayed home…And this made Sunday a SUCCESS!!

I immediately grab my journal and start planning the days meals so I can get back on my track…

So this morning I review my journal…I hadnt pointed anything since THursday night..ANd I was tempted to skip Friday and Saturday and just work on today…

But then I decided against it…This my friends is another SUCCESS…

I went back and held myself accountable…I wrote down Friday and Saturday’s foods…And the damage was not near as bad as I thought…Friday was bad, but not life shattering…2000 calories…Saturday was about 1600 calories…Not great, but a thousand times better than I would have done years ago…

So out of four days, two were awesome. One was okay. And one disappointed me.

But here are my lessons. I have got to STOP letting myself get hungry. WHen I am hungry I lose all power to make good decisions. My stomach over rules my head ALWAYS…

I need to plan better. I did a decent job but I need to do better. I should have had a light snack prepared for Friday before dinner, and this would have helped me skip the Spinach Artichoke dip. It also would have helped with my breakfast at work.

And the other thing I learned is that I am going to be okay. No. Really.

I wrote in my journal even though I didnt want too.

I came on here to blog and read blogs.

And I did a ton of walking to help curb the calories….

I talked myself out of things several times, and overall, made better choices this time than I have PROBABLY on any other time on this journey…

So over all, I am with my gal Nikki on this one. I had a great week, lots of fun with friends…But I am soooooooooooo ready to get RIGHT BACK AT MY ROUTINE…

And this week I VOW I will finally join my YMCA so I can start doing my elliptical. I am tired of talking about it and now just need to do it…

Oh…Just one slightly amusing side note…

That scale thats now in the hallway…You know, the one that has special mind controling powers?

Yeah. It got Brian today.

I watched, amused, as he stood on it. Got off it. And got back on it.

He says “OH, that cant be right…”

Well, I saw what it said. And I saw what it said last week when he weighed…And he was up about 4 pounds…

He was in complete denial…LOL…

I said “See…You see how frustrating it can be to go up and down over night?? THIS is why I refuse to weigh daily…Far too many fluxuations…”

I gotta say…

It was nice to see a man experiencing a little bit of scale anger…

Night all…

Small but HUGE victories…

Happy Friday all!

Another week on the books…

Well, I had a small but huge victory last night…One that really kind of astounded me…

Brian and I went to a small beer tasting held here at our favorite beer store (Shout out to Blacklick Wine and Spirits!)

It was not a grand tasting by any means, but thats not why we do this…We just enjoy the experience of trying new things and meeting new people, and last night, we got to do both. It was a Sam Adams tasting…And it was delightful. Sam Adams is pretty widely distributed for a craft beer, and therefore, a bit controversial for alot of “Beer Geeks”, but I have always been a fan…And remain so after last night…

So I had about 8 2oz samples, and I pointed them all out…

I was STARVING by the time we were done (no dinner and beer samples makes Dawnie very goofy) so we headed next door to my favorite CHINESE place!

Chinese is definitely one of my favorite ethnic foods…And when dieting, I try to avoid it. For the salt factor and the caloric factor.

I havent had Chinese in MONTHS so I was stoked.

But yesterday I planned well. Kind of knew what I would get. And how many calories I would have…I perused several sites to gage what I could and could not have and what to avoid…

We sit down and order, and I started with some wonton soup. I had read on one of my websites taht this was a good soup choice at Chinese places…

Now, again, I was STARVING which USUALLY means I make poor choices and then gorge myself…

Remarkably, even full of beer, and starving, I made AWESOME choices last night!

Sure. My heart wanted to order the deep friend anything…(Ahhh…I love me some Crab Rangoons!) but as I perused the menu, I noticed the Veggie section, and it jumped right out at me…

Sauteed bean sprouts!!!

I LOVE bean sprouts and always order extra when eating Chinese or Japanese food…So I see its sauteed with a light brown sauce and green onions, and I am sooooo in…

It came with rice, which I didnt really want…Because if I cant have nasty, artery clogging, fried rice, I dont want anything…

But I went ahead and got a side of steamed rice…

The food came, and it was GOOD…

This is the first time in my life I ordered a Chinese meal with NO MEAT…

I ate MAYBE a cup of the veggies with a few spoons of rice, and I was FULL. Honestly and legitamately full…

I came home and pointed it out, and I estimate my entire meal was less than 500 calories…

I was soooo freakin proud of myself…

This is HUGE for me guys. HUGE. HUGE. HUGE.

I mean, I can tear up a Chinese Buffett people…So besides the sodium I am sure it contained, I think my choices for the evening, even with Beer and Chinese were worthy of a gold star….

The funny thing is, I was happy AND satisfied with my choices…

Even watching Brian eating his egg roll…Didnt bother me at all…

I didnt feel deprived…Or angry that I had to make good choices. I WANTED TOO!!! (As my buddy Nikki mentioned, I think this time my mind set is just DIFFERENT)

As mentioned I have a VERY full weekend ahead of me socially…And EVERY day will be a challenge for me to make good chocies…Well, this was test number one, and I passed…And I am very proud of myself…

Now on to test number two…I am armed with knowledge and preparred for battle!!!

Have a great weekend all!

Scales, Bugs and Boyfriends, OH MY!!!

So what is it about the scale that has us all captivated? I have read no less than 8 blogs this week dedicated to the evils that are the scale, so at least I know I am not alone in my frustration.

See, I hadnt been on my scale in over 6 months!!! And I was perfectly happy in my no scale zone world…

Then, I got on it last week…

Pulled it out from its hiding place behind the toilet…Cleanned it up all nice and shiney like. (Note to self: Hairspray residue is NASTY!) and placed it in a place of prominance in my household.

It now rests in the hallway where I pass it every day to remind myself of what I am doing here.

But here is the problem. The scale, no matter how much you say it wont be a measure of your success of failure, IS!! It has a strange, almost magnetic pull, and in some cases, mind controls all of us!!! (Does the government know about this I wonder???)

Anyway, since that time, I have gotten on the scale THREE times…And seen NO movement…Fine. It had only been two days since my weigh in…So I vow to give it a week…

Well, the week has come and gone, and today I wanted to step on that scale soooooooooooooooo bad. I mean, I had to fight it with EVERYTHING in me…

But I didn’t. Because now I am scared of the damn thing again…

Its been over a week. What if I get on there and see NO LOSS or worse, A GAIN!!!! You see, even though my eating has been great…I mean, honestly, in the 5 weeks I have been back on my game, I have had 2 off days…TWO. That’s remarkable for me. Really. BUT, what if on those two days I gained 10 pounds? (Yep, I honestly do think that happens!!!) add to that the fact that as of right now, the only exercise I am getting is walking (Which I love by the way, but in NO WAY burns the calories I need to get this thing done).

Well, I am right around that 6 week mark which I think is CRITICAL to those of us on the journey…After 6 weeks you want to see a result. ANY result. I know me. I know my body. And if I get on that scale and don’t see at least a LITTLE loss, I am gonna be devestated and tempted to throw in the towel.

Do I feel better? You bet. Do my clothes fit better? YEP. But do I feel thinner? No, not yet…

So I didn’t do it…Because as much as I want to know, and need to know, I just cant do it yet…UGH…

I HATE THE SCALE!!!!!

So lets talk about bugs for just a sec. I live in the coutnry. I got bugs in my yard by the bucket ful. I am not much of a girlie girl, so bugs are normally not a big deal to me. But we have holes in two of our screens, and are missing a screen all together on one window, so nightly I get at least one bug escaping into my house for protection, food, or just to piss me off…

Its usually a mosquito…A moth…Or a lightening bug…And frankly I am really tired of it.

Every mornig I find a bug corpse in my shower, or my sink…And I am done…BUGS, QUIT BUGGING ME ALREADY!! Grrrrrr…

Okay. The boyfriend. (Yes, that means YOU Brian!) He reads these ramblings of mine occasionally, so I will try to go somewhat easy on him, but COME ON…

What is up with men? Really…

Are us women REALLY all that difficult to figure out? I truly truly don’t think so…But I don’t know. Maybe some of us are…

I think, as a girlfriend, and previously, as a wife, that I am no great mystery…(Completely awesome by the way, but not hard to figure out…)

I am very outspoken…Too honest for my own good, and I am HUGE on communication…So speaking up with my partner has never really been in issue for me…I wear my heart and my emotions on my sleeve, so at any given moment, you pretty much know where you stand with me…

I would THINK that this means that a partner of mine SHOULD know exactly whats going on with me at any given moment, right?

WRONG.

Apparently it’s a man thing…Apparently they need a bill board…A written invitation…Or a swift kick in the butt to actually ANTICIPATE what you need without being told…

Now I will preface this with two things.

ONE: I am fiercely independent some times, and have even gotten worse in the last few years.

TWO: Brian is a truly awesome, kind, and sweet guy.

BUT…And here is a really big but…Sometimes, I have no idea where his brain is at…(Knowing him, its over on Facebook playing Mafia Wars! LOL)

In our year and a half together, I have played my “Baby” card very little…This means I have not been whiney, or sick, or needed extra attention…I was not sick at all during the winter…And besides my back surgery from last August, he has not really had to “Take care of me” in any way…

Now, I am not saying he doesn’t do things for me. He does. If he is getting up to get a drink, he will ask if I want anything…That sort of thing…

But, as noted earlier in the week, I took a nasty spill, which did result in a legitimate injury that made me whiney, and hurty (Yeah, it’s a word…) A little extra attention would not have only been nice, but it was kind of actually expected!!

Why? Because he is super sweet on a normal day, so I expected SUPER SIZED sweetness with a wound in the house…Some extra lovin…A card…Even a small token to say “Hey, sorry you had a rough week”…

Ummm. No…

I was completely wrong…

I got no extra babying this week…UGH…And yes, I brought it up to him last night…

Then, today, I had to leave early…He knew this. Remember? We talk about EVERYTHING. But, instead of takig it upon himself to make sure I had my lunch/breakfast and everything else I needed to get me out the door early, he did NOTHING as I rushed around like a mad woman…

Now…

You may be saying to yourself that I am being unneccessarily cruel.

I don’t think so. And here is why…

I take pretty good care of him too. This definitely goes both ways.(Yours truly even cuts his nails for him…Now how freakin sweet am I???)

If I am out in the kitchen packing my lunch, I pack his too. I also make sure he has PLENTY of food for his day, and will often make sure he has breakfast as well. He has never ever asked me to do this. I do it because that’s what you should do.

I don’t ASK him what he wants because I know his likes and dislikes.

I PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!!!!

So why, when I bring these things up, do I get the answer “Baby, all you have to do is tell me what you want me to do and I will do it!”

Yes. I know this. He is a great guy and would do anything I asked short of murder…

Great. That works great with a trained dog as well…But it should NOT be that way with a partner…Should it??

The problem is I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTIME I WANT OR NEED SOMETHING!!!! I want you to use your head, act like the adult that you are, and just anticipate my needs for the day!!!

Really. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t ask this ALL the time, but yes, on special occasions like running late or an illness, yes, I want you to do things without me asking you to do them!!

I truly don’t get it…In my female brain it seems overly simple. You see something that needs done, and you do it. Whether in life, or at work, whatever…

Am I really the only person that processes this way???

Okay…Rant done…For today anyway…

Secret Secret…I’ve got a secret!!!

“I’ve got a secret…I’ve been hiding…Under my skin…” –Styx (Mr. Roboto)

Yeppers…

I’ve got a happy secret that I would looooove to share with my web family…But sadly, since I do not really know who all reads these ramblings of mine, I can’t quite share…YET…(And NO, it does not involve marriage or babies of ANY kind….LOL)

Let us (Lol…I said Lettuce!) just say that I received a much anticipated phone call last night that will HOPEFULLY be the start of something truly wonderful in my life…

Last night, after MONTHS of thinking God must hate me…That Karma must have truly abandoned me…That I must have REALLY pissed someone off in a past life…Last night I finally feel like someone is saying, “We’ll take it easy on you for a while kid…”

You see, yesterday, as some of you know per my facebook status, I had MORE bad Karma…

I fell…(NO, not from grace) but literally FELL on my afternoon walk…

I was jamming along. Listening to my IPod. Thinking in my head about my progress. My weight. I was actually thinking what it will one day feel like when I am truly happy with my body. Not skinny. Not even thin. Not a certain number on a scale, but what will happen when I walk by a window, and the reflection I see is a FIT and healthy girl looking back at me…

This shouldn’t have caused my accident because I normally spend a great deal of time in my head. I am OCD anyway, and can often be found up there over analyzing everything…LOL…

And then without warning. WHAM.

I went down. HARD.

In downtown Columbus during a busy lunchtime no less.

I didn’t have time to be mortified at first because I was in actual pain. I fell so hard my glasses came off, my brand new cell phone went skidding across the sidewalk…I had three people rush up to me to see if I was okay, and all I wanted to do was cry…Which I did NOT do…

I collected myself and then checked out the damage. Both hands were bruised and road rashed. Left knee was skinned, bruised and swelling quickly. Right ankle, which I suspect caused the whole thing, was twisted and throbbing…
I hobbled back up to my office, and then the mortification set in…

How does one fall by simply walking on the side walk??

I have had these feet for a while now; wouldn’t you think I should know how to use them??? Good grief…I bet I gave those folks a laugh of a lifetime…

Anyway…

I iced it when I got home, and it’s much better today, although I suspect I might have done some real damage to my knee, but well, without health insurance, not much I can do about it right now…(Where’s the Aflac duck when you REALLY need him???)

So I am gonna skip my lunchtime walk today, to give it some time to heal, and besides, it is raining today…So I don’t feel too bad…

Next up for me is a VERY long and over packed weekend. It is going to take ALL of my will and determination to not crash and burn…Please pray for me Webbers (Unless you are an Atheist, then you can simply send me good thoughts!!!!)

Thursday night, a small beer tasting at a local beer store. Not too worried about this one, as they are just samples, and I can easily utilize portion control.

Friday night, going out with a friend to the Winking Lizard. More beer. More food. HOPEFULLY I can make wise choices here. Focus on the greens and NOT the deep fried goodness…

Saturday the MUCH anticipated Dublin Irish Festival. Truly one of the nicest Irish Festivals in the Midwest. If you have never gone, I encourage you to do so…
I look forward to this all year, and usually go every year….I am a fan of all things Celtic you see…I was most certainly a druid in a past life…Or a medieval princess…LOL…

Anyway, two of my favorite Celtic rock bands are gonna be there. The Prodigals and the Young Dubliners. I have seen them both several times and they soooo put on a rockin show. If you are not familiar with Celtic Rock, you should be…Its GREAT workout music…

This one will be the toughest, as there is absolutely NO healthy food at a festival. Period. AND I am doing a whiskey tasting. So portion control and LOTS of walking will have to help me here…

Then on Sunday, we are getting up at an insane hour in the morning to make the 3 hour drive to Cleveland for yet another beer tasting…Beer and Breakfast. LOL.

It’s completely crazy, but something we both want to do…

This one should not be too bad, as long as I pay attention…

So many many tests and trials for me this week…I am strong. I am up for it. And really, overall, I am doing really well…My calories have consistently been between 12-1300 for weeks now…

I still struggle a bit on the weekends. I am aware of it and working on it. And I STILL need to get more workouts in…Again, this will be fixed permanently this week when I get to sign up at the Y (Waiting for payday you see!)

So that’s me in a nutshell this week…

A bit damaged…In mind and body…But happy…Secretive…And otherwise, A-OKAY!

Scary Gyms And Things On A Stick…

Good morning all…

Why is it Monday already? And why wasn’t I consulted about it?

My weekend was kind of a mix bag of “Kudos” and “No-No’s”

Friday night was awesome. I had planned well and was able to enjoy a few pieces of veggie pizza AND a few bites of hot fudge Sunday. Brian and I had “Date night” at the laundry mat…LOL…And in between loads we walked over to the Pizza Place. It was fun actually. I ended the day at only 1280 calories and that was an awesome success.

Saturday started out well…With good intentions…(Don’t they all?)

But by dinner time I had already used MOST of my calories and we were going out to catch a friend’s band…Add in dinner and some cheap beer, and you got it…Calorie over load…

But this did go to show me yet one more sign that I am back…GUILT…
I felt guilty about my choices, or lack thereof and I just felt…Bloated…Gross…Full…

There WERE healthy options there, but I didn’t order them…And I regretted it ALMOST immediately…And the cheap beer…UGH…Gave me a headache something fierce…

So on Sunday I decided to just shake it off…Made the decision that I am just not strong enough to go out weekend after weekend YET and make good choices…

I skipped a previously arranged trip to the Jazz and Rib Fest because I knew the temptation to eat there or eat out again would just be too much. So instead, I stuck around the house, took a walk with Brian and the Dog, and grilled out some lean pork chops…It was a GREAT Sunday.

We prepped our meals for the week. Went grocery shopping. Scanned cookbooks for new and healthy dishes, and genuinely just enjoyed the day together…Got my mind back on track…(By the way, it is soooo nice having a partner who enjoys cooking as much as me and wants to be a part of the process…)

It’s hard to say no to yourself, and in this case, let down some friends who were expecting you to join them out, but sometimes you have to know yourself…And in this case, myself said I was too weak to go to a rib fest and not eat a rib…Or something on a stick…LOL…

See, the other outlier for me is workouts. I am not doing them yet. If I were, I would have been able to go to the gym and work out before or after and felt LESS guilty…But right now I can’t…

Which leads me to my next task. Choosing a gym.

Brian and I checked out the YMCA in our town on Saturday…Folks…I use the term Y very loosely here…We live in a very small town. And apparently, this Y is in an old abandoned school…It has no pool, and the “Gym” area consists of 6 ellipticals. 6 bikes. 6 treadmills. It’s old. It’s dark. And it looks (and smells) like somebody’s moldy basement. But it’s convenient (Less than two minutes to my house!) and all things considered, CHEAP.

I was dead set against it at first…I want a state of the art, FUN gym…Like I had in Florida…I want the cardio theater…The latest equipment…The 32 TV screens. Unfortunately the closest one is about 20 minutes away…

And then I thought about buying my own equipment again…But then remembered I did that once…And I heard my ex husbands voice in my head saying “Now Dawn, are you REALLY going to use that??”…And I remembered that my elliptical became a great clothes hanger and ended up being sold on Ebay…LOL…

My friend Stacey said it best…She said I need to be honest with myself…And that only I REALLY know me and what I will truly do and not do…

And because of that, I know I will find more excuses than NOT to drive 20 minutes to a gym…And even more excuses to ignore the elliptical in the living room. So I think I will suck it up and join the old outdated YMCA…

It’s a bit scary. It smells. But it has what I need…Just the basics…

So that’s on my agenda for this week…Joining the Y and beginning my hour workouts again…

It will be tough. Brian and I are used to chilling out in the evenings together, but its time. I am spending wayyyy too much time on the computer at night…Wayyyy too much time on my butt and not out being active. And I hate that…

I am never going to reach my goal of 40 pounds down by Christmas if I don’t get MOVIN…

I have another 5k coming up on August 22 (Heart Walk) and my most cherished 10k (New Albany Classic) in September…

So I MUST get training now…

Hope you all have a GREAT Monday!!!

Super Cabbage To The Rescueeeee!!!

Good morning Webbers!

Man alive am I stoked…I discovered a new veggie gem!!

CABBAGE…

I know…I know…

It’s not like it was just recently discovered by archeologist, but still…It’s been rediscovered by ME!

I have always liked cabbage, and as a child, I would eat it raw by the leaf…As an adult I LOVE it in my Chinese food, and even cooked in restaurants, but I have never really sought it out on my own…

So yesterday I bought a head of cabbage…Folks, I kid you not, it was 39 cents!! How on earth can you beat that???

I was going to try to recreate a recipe I had spied on my FAVORITE Food Network show, Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (You know, the show my boyfriend Guy Fieri does!! LOL….Shhhh…Neither he nor his wife realizes I am his girlfriend…YET…)

Now, at first this recipe sounds high in calories, but I assure, it is not…(Of course, you could always fatten it up if you wanted to!!)

Here is the recipe for those of you wishing to try something a little different:

6 cups/1 bag of egg noodles, boiled (220 calories per cup, 6 cups in a bag=1320 calories)
6 strips of LEAN, CENTER CUT bacon (30 calories for 3 slices = 120 calories)
½ a head of shredded cabbage (25 calories folks!)
1 small onion (30 calories)
2 tablespoons of Olive Oil (200 calories)

Cut the bacon into bits and fry to a nice crispy brown, add in the onion so they can sauté a bit…Then add in the cabbage, use a lid on your pan to trap in the moisture and reduce the cabbage. Then throw in your already boiled noodles. Depending on your bacon, you may not need any more oil, but I did add two addition tablespoons. Garlic, salt and pepper to taste, and WHAM…A delightful main course or side dish…

6 one cup servings end up being 282.5 calories!!! Folks, that is NOTHING…And it’s ever so filling…

So I was so incredibly pumped, and Brian and I were trying to decide what to do with the other half of our cabbage…And we have all kind of ideas now…We feel like adding it to everything, because folks, this cabbage apparently is a power veggie…I HAD NO IDEA!

Some on line research shows that it’s VERY low in calories…High in fiber (Between 2-4 grams per cup depending on web source!) (This also might explain why Brian and I were fighting over the bathroom this morning…LOL…Ewwww…TMI???)

Each cup contains 1 gram of protein and in additional to a slew of other vitamins, this sucker packs a whopping 36% of your daily Vitamin C recommendation!!!! Holy wow Batman!!!

I am so excited. I feel like making cabbage bread…cabbage soup…cabbage eggs…cabbage cabbage!

Anyway, just wanted to share with you all…

Having a pretty good week food wise…Exercise wise the weather has put a damper on my walks, but I still feel okay…Going to check out the YMCA this weekend to see how much a membership is…

I cannot WAIT to get back on an elliptical again…I miss my beloved elliptical machines…My butt REALLY misses the elliptical…LOL…I had a GREAT elliptical butt at one time…

Speaking of elliptical, just a quick shout out to my gal Misty…She is pretty new to this weight loss journey, and with the help of Weight Watchers and her elliptical, she has dropped over 12 pounds in just three weeks. VERY PROUD of you Misty…I know how exciting and difficult it can be!!

Have a great day buddies and GO EAT YOUR CABBAGE…And tell them Dawnie sent you!!!

Pity Party? Table for one?

Ugh…

I am having one of those days…Okay…Let’s be honest, I am really having one of those months…

You ever get the feeling that the world seems out to get you? And you just can’t figure out why?

Yep. That’s me. I am feeling a little down. A little defeated…And more than a bit off…

I will preface this by saying I KNOW things could be worse…Truly. I am not that ungrateful…

But man. I feel like I really can’t catch a break right now…

I am not a perfect human specimen by any stretch, but I do try to be the best person I can be…I make mistakes, own up to them, and go about making amends for them…

I self analyze often, and in MOST cases, over analyze. (Who me???)

So I have to wonder who in the heck have I made angry upstairs and WHY?????
Yesterday ended in some tears for me…Tears of frustration…I think I just reached my mental breaking point.

It took three weeks for my first paycheck to get here. It was mistakenly mailed to an old address, and despite a forwarding address, it was not forwarded, and sent back to Detroit, Michigan where it originated from. I finally got it on Monday…

I was excited that I can now get caught up a bit on finances. I am not in a deep hole yet, but let’s face it, after three months of no fundage, I am in a hole…

But I have prided myself on the fact that so far, I have not let my credit go. I was tempted at one point to file for bankruptcy, and in this economy, I don’t think I would be alone, but I didn’t, and so with the help of Brian, my ex Steve, and my mother and father, I was able to get by okay and without owing too many people…Without their help, I couldn’t have done it. Period. And I am glad I have that kind of support.

So I deposit the check yesterday, and inform “Person that I owe money to #1” that they can deposit their check now from me…Ooops. Wait a minute…Apparently the Credit Union I belong to put a three day hold on the check…

What? Why? It’s a payroll check from a legitimate, well known, company???

Ugh. Now this person has to wait till Thursday. I feel like a schmuck…They have already waited two weeks for me to GET the check…Good grief!!!!

Last week I received a collection notice…My first collection notice since 1996. I kid you not. I was FLOORED…Had no idea what it was for. Come to find out that a checking account I set up in Florida for the sole purpose of paying for my move, was over drawn by 33 cents….Please read that again…33 cents.

I closed the account in March after paying for my move, and had NO IDEA it was overdrawn. It was over drawn because of a mistake on the part of the moving company who overcharged me, then refunded me through the account, leaving me short 33 cents.

Since this account was closed, and I have never received one single notice from them, I had no idea…

So instead of a notice from the bank (Wachovia, to whom I will never EVER give my business again) I received a notice from their collection agency. They are now charging me $40.33. I was sent to collections for 33 cents, and now owe 40 dollars for those 33 cents. Are you kidding me? Had you let me know, I would have gladly sent you two quarters tapped to a post card…

So several calls later to Wachovia, I learn that they did get notification of my address change in May, but still made no attempt to send a notice…But she did say that in MOST cases, they will waive the 40 dollar fee but that I need to call a different number of course…

So for three days I call and call and I get stuck in the phone tree from hell, and every time they go to transfer me to a representative, I get disconnected. UGH.

So finally last night I reach a person, who gives me yet another number to call, which is really just the collection agency where I am repeatedly reprimanded by JOE DUDE COLLECTOR telling me how worthless I am for not paying my debt and that there is nothing more he can do.

Whatever…

Yeah, I will add you to the top of the list of people needing money from me. NOT…

So I get to work yesterday morning and I have no dollar bills to pay for parking. All the lots down here are “Self Pay” meaning there’s a little metal box with slots and numbers, and you slide your money in them for collection…I have been doing this for a month. Yesterday, I had no ones, so I used a five dollar bill to pay for a FOUR DOLLAR spot…

I walk out to my car after work and there is an envelope on my windshield. Stupid and naïve little me thinks “Oh, wow, look, they are giving me my change back!!”

Ummm. NO. It’s a parking ticket with a picture of my license plate and a threat to prosecute if I do not pay now 35 dollars!!!! Are you freakin kidding me?? 35 dollars for a spot that I OVERPAID for by a dollar???

I walked right up to that box yesterday and slid in a 5 dollar bill. Now I would like to know what proof they have that I DIDN’T pay?? Because I am pretty hard to miss…I was pretty livid…I called the number on the ticket and of course got a voice mail…This one I AM fighting…

But I am soooo tired of fighting people…

The easy thing to do would just be to suck it up and pay the 40 bucks to Wachovia and the 35 bucks to the parking people, because the time, energy, and frustration I will waste on fighting it seems daunting…But I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right to me…

And I have NO IDEA why, for one small moment in time, I can’t catch a bit of good Karma…UGH…

Pity Party, party of one, your tables now ready…

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