Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

It occurred to me today in one of my many trips through the analytical forest of my mind.

I pride myself, always, on my honesty and my integrity, and my openness…These are qualities that are extremely important to me. I don’t EVER want to be anyone other than my authentic true self.

Games of that nature have never interested me. People only interested in the one side of me, and not the total package, hold little interest for me. You want happy, funny, sexy Dawn? Guess what? You need to put up with crabby, stubborn, OCD Dawn too…

And I guess you could say I do my best to surround myself with likeminded people…I want GOOD honest people in my life…But of course, there is only one of me. And I am quite the original…LOL…

So as I was deep in thought, yet again, I started thinking how often I utter the phrase “I have no regrets” And for years I have been saying I live my life with “Little to no regrets” which I realized JUST TODAY is a total and utter cop out…

No. Really!

And anyone who says that. Or thinks that in your OWN life is very disillusioned.

Trust me. I sit here today a bit sad and disillusioned with myself…

Of COURSE there are regrets!!! How could there not be?? For any of us? Some big. Some small.

Every day of our lives we are faced with a THOUSAND decisions…From the moment we get up till we fall asleep. From the very very tiny to the major life changing and earth shattering.

And for every decision we make, there is an outcome.

Should I leave at 8:00 or 8:05? Should I wear the blue shirt or the white shirt?

I was thinking on this today, in relation to my move in November…

In November, at the age of 36, I decided that it would be a perfectly brilliant idea to leave a great job, and move five states away to Florida. I told myself I was at a point in my life where if I didn’t at least TRY, I would ALWAYS regret it…And you know me…I don’t want regrets. EVER.

I told myself I had no “baggage” so to speak. No kids. No spouse. I was completely uproot-able…I had “No ties” here…

What a crock of crap.

Hello?? McFly???

I had a job. A GREAT job. One of the BEST jobs I have ever had. I had family that loved me very much. I had dogs who loved me. I had friends that loved me. If those are not ties, I do not know what are.

So, long boring story short, I went, I came back, and here I am, trying to come back from that decision. One of the “Not so bright” decisions I made recently…(Yep, another one tossed in the bucket…)

But the thing I realized today is…And this is HUGE people…Is that it didn’t matter…

That decision gave me NO RELEIF WHATSOEVER from the demon that is the “WHAT IF???”

If I had gone or if I had stayed…Either decision was riddled with consequences…

I left to end the relentless wondering…But the reality is that the wondering is still there…

What in my life today would have played out differently if I had just stayed?

A decision of that magnitude was doomed from the get go…Because either scenario offered consequences…You know…The beloved “What if?”

Now, I pride myself on my intelligence. Really. My capacity to analyze and think things through. My compassion. My kindness. I am no genius, but I know a thing or two! And I do try hard to make the best decisions always.

But hey! Guess what? I mess up too…(Trust me. I am as shocked as you!)

Regrets? I guess in reality I have a bucket full…

Sure…I try to own up quickly… Make my mistakes…Fix what I can…And move on, but I do have them…

I wonder…

If I had worn my flip flops today instead of my black shoes, would that have changed something down the road in my life?? Okay. Maybe that’s the simplest form of this blog, but you see what I am getting at??

Every single thing we do from one second to the next impacts our life in some way…

And guess what? When our life is impacted, it also reaches out and gently nudges the lives of those around us…Connected to us…(I know, like we needed MORE pressure not to screw up, right?)

Some consequences we will recognize immediately. Some things won’t surface for years…

I am just now getting it people…(I know, so much for the afore mentioned intelligence, eh?)

I am now having to deal daily with decisions I made years ago…My life. My job. My relationship. My weight. (Good grief!! I could write a novel on the weight loss decisions alone!!)

For the last few years I have been living my life loud, publically, and at full force. Doing what I felt I “needed” to do in order to have the fewest regrets on my deathbed…To live my most authentic life…I wanted to be true to ME!! ME ME ME…

Today, for the first time in a long time, and without any real therapy (), I realized it doesn’t matter…

One regret will always replace another…One decision always replaces another…One outcome simply replaces another. 

And thinking of the “What ifs” and the “If onlys” will slowly kill you…

Most of us make the best decisions we can make based on all the information we have at that time…That’s all we can ever do…

And if the decision is wrong, so be it…If it’s right, but still has a ripple effect, so be it…

At some point we must simply let it all go…Or it will surely kill us…

So even now. As I write this blog. I am enlightened once again in my life, I have another choice. I can of course dwell FOREVER on the actions I should have, could have, but didn’t do…

Or

I can simply acknowledge that YES. I have a TON of regrets in my life. Bad decisions a plenty.

People I loved. People I lost. Jobs I abandoned. Family I lost touch with. Friends I let go. WEIGHT I allowed to creep back on after swearing I wouldn’t…Yep. REGRET REGRET REGRET…

But I can hope that in the big scheme of MY LIFE…That which belongs to ME and only me, that the percentage of GOOD choices and decisions I made will somehow outweigh the bad.

That somehow where I am currently in life is where I was always meant to be!

That this was the plan, all along, and the route I took to get here was left up to me.

I can hope, just a bit, that as the days go by, I get better at knowing myself, and better yet, UNDERSTANDING myself. And make choices based on the good of the whole of my life and those that have chosen to love me, and not make decisions based on any one given selfish moment in time…

In summary…

I am, as always, a work in progress…Trying to dance through this thing called Life with as little casualties as possible to my person and those that surround me…

I know. I know. It is truly shocking…LOL…

Actually, I am wrong plenty of times and unlike a lot of people in life, I often note when I am, and go about correcting any harm I may have caused…

Heck, sometimes I even take the blame for crap I didn’t do!! This is what happens when you spend a great deal of time in your own head analyzing things…

You not only find other’s imperfections but a great deal of your own too…

So last week I blogged about my frustration with the male brain, and in particular, Brian’s brain…

I got enough feedback to know that it sadly is not just a “Brian” thing…It is, apparently, a gender thing.

Okay. Fine. I get it…

This is all part of the Male package…

So I now have to decide if I can deal with this for the rest of my life…Or just say screw it, and become a female only zone…LOL…

In his defense, and much to my admiration, he did read my blog…

We waited a few days to discuss so that I could calm down and he could process…

So Sunday we have “The Talk”…And much like I had already known, he apologized for letting me down, promised to try harder, but also asked that I simply tell him what I want…This brought up my counter point that sometimes I just don’t want to tell you. Period. I want you to figure it out. And I think we just agreed to disagree at that point…

So flash forward to Sunday evening…And we are prepping our meals for the week…

And he starts packing my lunch. I am in the back bedroom he is in the kitchen…He yells back to confirm what sandwich I want. How much mayo to use, etc. (He knows I am counting calories, and this is why all the questions…)

I hear myself answering his questions…Not irritated in the least on this day…

Then I hear myself say “But please fold the meat in threes…And then crisscross the upper layer…”

He comes into the bedroom perplexed, half made sandwich in hand… “Umm, WHAT?”

I repeat “Well, I have to have the meat folded like this (And I use my hands to demonstrate) layered three across, and then a second layer of three folded across, but the other way…”

I apologize to him even as I am saying it for even I can hear that it sounds RIDICULOUS, but I can’t help it truly…It’s my OCD, honest…My meat HAS to lay this way or I won’t eat the sandwich…

(I do the same thing with Toast and PB and J’s too. HATE having anyone else make them for me because they don’t do it like I need it done…LOL)

He looks at me, almost on the verge of tears…GOOD tears…Laughter induced tears and says the truest words ever…

“And you REALLY expected me to do this on my own last week without asking you ANY questions?”

POINT TAKEN.

Brian 1= Dawn 0

I start laughing as well. And I APOLOGIZE to him, because it did suddenly strike me how ridiculous I was being from last week, because yes, even if he HAD packed my lunch, it wouldn’t have been right, and he would have heard about it…LOL…

The whole damned if you do damned if you don’t scenario…

So I gained a little more insight into myself and to this new relationship.

To Brian’s credit, I think his good natured, laid back-ness attitude is definitely a good counter balance to my intense, high strung-ness. It is fascinating though, to be 37 years of age, and STILL learning things about yourself…

It’s also interesting to be navigating the waters of a new relationship this late in the game…It has its frustrations for sure…But it also has a heck of a lot of “A-HA” moments…

Those moments you realize “Ahhh. So that’s what my ex was talking about…” LOL…

I am glad that I am open to it though…And I am glad that Brian has the patience of a saint when it comes to dealing with me…

Because I KNOW I am trying at times…And I KNOW my expectations are ridiculous most of the time…

But for some reason, the guy still hangs with me…

Must be my extreme good looks, my over abundance of charm, my keen sense of style, and my earth shattering wit…LOL…

There were a LOT of things, and writting it out will help me…I will mention the things I did not do great with, but will refuse to let them get to me…

So, I just had a scheduled four day social tornado…

It’s remarkable really, because usually I dont have a ton of things going on, nor the money to do them with…

But for some reason, from Thursday night through today, I was a social butterfly…

As we all know on this weight loss journey, ONE social event can make us or break us, but FOUR???

So here is the good, the bad, and the ugly…

Thursday- Thursday  I call a success…Beer tasting and Chinese which I previously blogged about was good. I made it through the night UNDER my caloric limit and still enjoyed myself immensely…

Friday-Friday I am going to say was not a success, but not a complete failure. The morning started with me running late, so I didnt pack my breakfast…FAIL…I have learned this lesson before…

So I got to work and had an egg sandwhich from the deli. I switched from the croissant to plain toast, left off the cheese and went with ham instead of sausage…PASS. Little things add up people…

I wrote the calories down, had my lunch later, and all and all felt okay. I was running a little high on my calories by dinner time AND I was eating a late dinner…FAIL…This is another lesson learned…

So we were meeting some friends for dinner at 7:30, and when I got home at 5 I was already at 800 calories. SO I knew it would be tight and I didnt want to eat a snack at home and waste more calories…

Well, we get to the restaraunt and my friend is running late and we were STARVED and we did a GIANT no no. We ordered an appetizer. Spinach Artichoke dip. FAIL…

I rebounded with my dinner when I ordered a Tomoato and Mozzarella Salad. Light. Healthy. And YUM. Add in the two beers I drank and I ended my night way too high. Just under 2000 calories…

Friday was not great. BUT, it could have been way worse. Dinner saved me. And in the past I would have just said screw it, and orderd the wings anyway…I did NOT do that this time. So I am going to focus on that.

Saturday-Saturday I was REALLY worried about. It was the Irish Festival. Lots of deep friend goodness and things on a stick. You know how  I love those!

I stopped at the C-Store and got a protein bar. Something I had NEVER done. But I didnt want a big heavy breakfast and I wanted to save most of my calories for the fest. It was a 300 calorie bar which made my heart hurt, but it did the trick…I was pretty good at teh festival. No, actually, I was really good…

I had a corned beef sandwich…Three of six deep fried pickles and one beer…ALL DAY…Not bad. Not bad at all…PASS!

(I will say that I did go back later to stand in line for some fries, or a funnel cake, but the line was so long I gave up. I decided it was a sign from god that I really didnt need it….And I really wasnt all that hungry…)

Sunday-We were supposed to get up early and head for Cleveland for another beer event…

Well, we woke up at six a.m. and decided it just wasnt a good idea. We were tired from being at the festival all day the day before. Brian was not feeling great. We have about 5 other things we could spend the money on that we would have spent, and I CERTAINLY didnt need another day of food and beer…So we stayed home…And this made Sunday a SUCCESS!!

I immediately grab my journal and start planning the days meals so I can get back on my track…

So this morning I review my journal…I hadnt pointed anything since THursday night..ANd I was tempted to skip Friday and Saturday and just work on today…

But then I decided against it…This my friends is another SUCCESS…

I went back and held myself accountable…I wrote down Friday and Saturday’s foods…And the damage was not near as bad as I thought…Friday was bad, but not life shattering…2000 calories…Saturday was about 1600 calories…Not great, but a thousand times better than I would have done years ago…

So out of four days, two were awesome. One was okay. And one disappointed me.

But here are my lessons. I have got to STOP letting myself get hungry. WHen I am hungry I lose all power to make good decisions. My stomach over rules my head ALWAYS…

I need to plan better. I did a decent job but I need to do better. I should have had a light snack prepared for Friday before dinner, and this would have helped me skip the Spinach Artichoke dip. It also would have helped with my breakfast at work.

And the other thing I learned is that I am going to be okay. No. Really.

I wrote in my journal even though I didnt want too.

I came on here to blog and read blogs.

And I did a ton of walking to help curb the calories….

I talked myself out of things several times, and overall, made better choices this time than I have PROBABLY on any other time on this journey…

So over all, I am with my gal Nikki on this one. I had a great week, lots of fun with friends…But I am soooooooooooo ready to get RIGHT BACK AT MY ROUTINE…

And this week I VOW I will finally join my YMCA so I can start doing my elliptical. I am tired of talking about it and now just need to do it…

Oh…Just one slightly amusing side note…

That scale thats now in the hallway…You know, the one that has special mind controling powers?

Yeah. It got Brian today.

I watched, amused, as he stood on it. Got off it. And got back on it.

He says “OH, that cant be right…”

Well, I saw what it said. And I saw what it said last week when he weighed…And he was up about 4 pounds…

He was in complete denial…LOL…

I said “See…You see how frustrating it can be to go up and down over night?? THIS is why I refuse to weigh daily…Far too many fluxuations…”

I gotta say…

It was nice to see a man experiencing a little bit of scale anger…

See, I hadnt been on my scale in over 6 months!!! And I was perfectly happy in my no scale zone world…

Then, I got on it last week…

Pulled it out from its hiding place behind the toilet…Cleanned it up all nice and shiney like. (Note to self: Hairspray residue is NASTY!) and placed it in a place of prominance in my household.

It now rests in the hallway where I pass it every day to remind myself of what I am doing here.

But here is the problem. The scale, no matter how much you say it wont be a measure of your success of failure, IS!! It has a strange, almost magnetic pull, and in some cases, mind controls all of us!!! (Does the government know about this I wonder???)

Anyway, since that time, I have gotten on the scale THREE times…And seen NO movement…Fine. It had only been two days since my weigh in…So I vow to give it a week…

Well, the week has come and gone, and today I wanted to step on that scale soooooooooooooooo bad. I mean, I had to fight it with EVERYTHING in me…

But I didn’t. Because now I am scared of the damn thing again…

Its been over a week. What if I get on there and see NO LOSS or worse, A GAIN!!!! You see, even though my eating has been great…I mean, honestly, in the 5 weeks I have been back on my game, I have had 2 off days…TWO. That’s remarkable for me. Really. BUT, what if on those two days I gained 10 pounds? (Yep, I honestly do think that happens!!!) add to that the fact that as of right now, the only exercise I am getting is walking (Which I love by the way, but in NO WAY burns the calories I need to get this thing done).

Well, I am right around that 6 week mark which I think is CRITICAL to those of us on the journey…After 6 weeks you want to see a result. ANY result. I know me. I know my body. And if I get on that scale and don’t see at least a LITTLE loss, I am gonna be devestated and tempted to throw in the towel.

Do I feel better? You bet. Do my clothes fit better? YEP. But do I feel thinner? No, not yet…

So I didn’t do it…Because as much as I want to know, and need to know, I just cant do it yet…UGH…

I HATE THE SCALE!!!!!

So lets talk about bugs for just a sec. I live in the coutnry. I got bugs in my yard by the bucket ful. I am not much of a girlie girl, so bugs are normally not a big deal to me. But we have holes in two of our screens, and are missing a screen all together on one window, so nightly I get at least one bug escaping into my house for protection, food, or just to piss me off…

Its usually a mosquito…A moth…Or a lightening bug…And frankly I am really tired of it.

Every mornig I find a bug corpse in my shower, or my sink…And I am done…BUGS, QUIT BUGGING ME ALREADY!! Grrrrrr…

Okay. The boyfriend. (Yes, that means YOU Brian!) He reads these ramblings of mine occasionally, so I will try to go somewhat easy on him, but COME ON…

What is up with men? Really…

Are us women REALLY all that difficult to figure out? I truly truly don’t think so…But I don’t know. Maybe some of us are…

I think, as a girlfriend, and previously, as a wife, that I am no great mystery…(Completely awesome by the way, but not hard to figure out…)

I am very outspoken…Too honest for my own good, and I am HUGE on communication…So speaking up with my partner has never really been in issue for me…I wear my heart and my emotions on my sleeve, so at any given moment, you pretty much know where you stand with me…

I would THINK that this means that a partner of mine SHOULD know exactly whats going on with me at any given moment, right?

WRONG.

Apparently it’s a man thing…Apparently they need a bill board…A written invitation…Or a swift kick in the butt to actually ANTICIPATE what you need without being told…

Now I will preface this with two things.

ONE: I am fiercely independent some times, and have even gotten worse in the last few years.

TWO: Brian is a truly awesome, kind, and sweet guy.

BUT…And here is a really big but…Sometimes, I have no idea where his brain is at…(Knowing him, its over on Facebook playing Mafia Wars! LOL)

In our year and a half together, I have played my “Baby” card very little…This means I have not been whiney, or sick, or needed extra attention…I was not sick at all during the winter…And besides my back surgery from last August, he has not really had to “Take care of me” in any way…

Now, I am not saying he doesn’t do things for me. He does. If he is getting up to get a drink, he will ask if I want anything…That sort of thing…

But, as noted earlier in the week, I took a nasty spill, which did result in a legitimate injury that made me whiney, and hurty (Yeah, it’s a word…) A little extra attention would not have only been nice, but it was kind of actually expected!!

Why? Because he is super sweet on a normal day, so I expected SUPER SIZED sweetness with a wound in the house…Some extra lovin…A card…Even a small token to say “Hey, sorry you had a rough week”…

Ummm. No…

I was completely wrong…

I got no extra babying this week…UGH…And yes, I brought it up to him last night…

Then, today, I had to leave early…He knew this. Remember? We talk about EVERYTHING. But, instead of takig it upon himself to make sure I had my lunch/breakfast and everything else I needed to get me out the door early, he did NOTHING as I rushed around like a mad woman…

Now…

You may be saying to yourself that I am being unneccessarily cruel.

I don’t think so. And here is why…

I take pretty good care of him too. This definitely goes both ways.(Yours truly even cuts his nails for him…Now how freakin sweet am I???)

If I am out in the kitchen packing my lunch, I pack his too. I also make sure he has PLENTY of food for his day, and will often make sure he has breakfast as well. He has never ever asked me to do this. I do it because that’s what you should do.

I don’t ASK him what he wants because I know his likes and dislikes.

I PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!!!!

So why, when I bring these things up, do I get the answer “Baby, all you have to do is tell me what you want me to do and I will do it!”

Yes. I know this. He is a great guy and would do anything I asked short of murder…

Great. That works great with a trained dog as well…But it should NOT be that way with a partner…Should it??

The problem is I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTIME I WANT OR NEED SOMETHING!!!! I want you to use your head, act like the adult that you are, and just anticipate my needs for the day!!!

Really. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t ask this ALL the time, but yes, on special occasions like running late or an illness, yes, I want you to do things without me asking you to do them!!

I truly don’t get it…In my female brain it seems overly simple. You see something that needs done, and you do it. Whether in life, or at work, whatever…

Am I really the only person that processes this way???

CABBAGE…

I know…I know…