Well…I am on week three of my Leave of Absence following lower back surgery. Thats all well and good…

I am on week two of the journey back to my health and fitness…I have walked and worked out five days last week, and am on day three for this week…

Food journaling is at about 80%. I am doing it, but I am not quite lovin it again yet…I hear Wonder Womans voice in my head though “Just keep doing it…” so thats what I am doing hoping eventually I will enjoy it again…

I gotta say, even though I dont LOVE getting up and going to the gym yet, I sure do love the way it makes me feel…In just a few short weeks my body is already responding…I think this is because prior to my two month gym sabatical (Isnt that fancy???) LOL…I had worked out regularly for four years…So its easier for my body to get back in its groove…

 So, I am not perfect yet…I would say I am running at about a 75% success rate with both diet, exercise, and journaling…

I aim for 100% by the end of September…

But I am kinda proud of myself…I could have gone many different ways in the last three weeks…Could have totally given in to the time off…Could have stayed in my pjs day after day, stuffing my face with bon bons…(Okay, I dont even know where to get bon bons, but you catch my drift)

But I havent…

From day one since my surgery I have walked…I have watched what I ate so that I wouldnt GAIN while off…I have tried to stay to a schedule so I dont go INSANE (I cant drive, so I am extremely limited in where I can go). I have had NO SNACKING…(HUGE when you are home all day)

And honestly, I have done well…

I have slept in only once in three weeks…

And stayed in my pjs only once (Yesterday I confess!!) (Hey, in my defense, it was cold and rainy, and the PERFECT Pj day!!!)

So, I although I am sad to report I am not quite a supermodel…(Yes, I kind of did expect a miracle…)

I know I am back on the right track…And that makes me happy and proud…

My body is back to changing again…HOPEFULLY this time for good…

Have a great week, and oh, where in the world did Catrina go??? I cant find her…I keep getting an error on her profile???

Hmmm…Maybe she is in the witness protection program!!! Hah…

Life is but a dream…

Okay…Have NO IDEA why that song popped into my head! Or why I jotted it down as the title…Perhaps I have lost a marble or two??

Anywho…

It has ALWAYS amazed me how the mind works. Mine. Yours. Ours…

I swear, if I could do it over again, I would study the human brain…Fascinating shit in there…

Mine needs to be preserved for future generations…So they can see how weird a mind can be…LOL…(No, that does not give any of you the right to disect me brain and store it in a jar on your desk…)

As usual…I have been deep in thought…

It amazes me how we can go from one place to the next in a matter of days, hours even, in our minds…

Three days ago, I hit rock bottom, mentally…

Today, I awoke in great discomfort…Back was telling me I had done far too much yesterday…But I sit here smilin…

Why?

Because I choose too!!

I feel great. Mentally clean. Determined. Focused. Ready to go…

Dont know where it came from. Or where it has been, but my motivation for not only my weight loss journey, but for my life, is back…

The power of positive thinking is indeed a wonderous thing…

Its like, I woke up Sunday from a very long dream…And finally decided to get on with my life, and WHAM, today, thats precisely what I am doing!!! Nothings really changed, but my attitude…

HAH…I suppose you could say I gave myself an attitude adjustment! WOO HOO!!! (A much needed one, I am afraid!)

I reflect back on a year ago…

This time last year I was in a very dark dark place…The lowest I had been in a long long time…I lost one of my dearest friends…No, I didnt misplace him, we just mutually agreed that our frienship had become a bit toxic to each other, and we both chose to say goodbye…

My heart broke as we both walked away…And a severe depression set it…

But I awoke each day, still, my stubborness for once, providing me the only amunition I had at the time to live…

And I started my journey back…Back to me…

Its been a long journey…But for every pot whole I hit along the way, there was also some remarkable rest stops!!!

In a year, I have cleared one hurdle after the other…Not without pain or incident, but cleared none the less…I faced Judge after Judge…People, friends, coworkers, who felt the need to tell me what I did and didnt do right…Answered question after question…Heard disappointment time and time again…

Always, I remained as honest as I could be, and answered them directly…Explained when I felt I needed to…Apologized when that was needed, and through it all, I stood, and faced them with as much grace and dignity as I could muster…

I took my blows…And I remained standing…

One year later, life is good…Finally…

Perfect? Oh, HELL NO, but, its okay.

I am alive.

I have a job.

I have a car.

I have a roof over  my head.

I am still the girl I was…Cute. Smart. Witty and oh so sexxxy!!!! She is still here! She just got hidden a bit!

I have no doubt I made the right choice last year…Had I known how hard the next year would have been, I might not have…

Had I known that my weight loss journey would completely stall, I might not have…

But, it is what it is, right???

And today, I am okay. I am no thinner today then I was on Sunday, but for some reason, I feel AWESOME…I KNOW I will do it this time…I can feel it deep down in my soul…I KNOW I will get this weight off…

I KNOW my life is now on the upswing…

I have a wonderful circle of friends and family who do thier best to support me, even when they dont understand me…

I have a wonderful new man in my life who has also faced my judges…Walked right into a firing range and faced them with grace and dignity…And simply by being himself, proved them wrong…

I remain, still, good friends with my ex husband, and I am glad we are both moving on…I wish him soooo much joy for putting up with me for soooo many years!!! LOL…

I am not an easy gal to love…For I know this all too well…

But love me they do…

And you know what?

Today, I love myself too…

Yeah yeah…I am still fat…And probably will be for a while…But I have drive and determination…

I have always had this…

This is what took me from a low income, shitty ass, neighborhood in my little hometown to where I am today…

This is what has taken me from waiting tables to being an office professional (And please, that is NOT a slam against waitresses!!! I had a lot of fun doing that and still miss it from time to time)

This is what has allowed me from going from my highest weight of 250+ pounds to where I am now…

This has helped me overcome the loss of my father…The loss of babies…The loss of friends…

This is what has made me the woman I am today…

Drive and Dertermination…

This is the difference between those that THINK and those that DO…

I have ALWAYS been a woman of much thought…But I am also a woman of much ACTION…

And this I am very very proud of…

Well…Exactly one week and a half ago, I did indeed undergo back surgery…I cant remember the fancy name for it, sorry…But I had the bone of one of my disc’s removed because it was herniated and pressing on my nerves. 

I will always have back problems I am told because I have degenerative disc disease, but this should help…

I am very happy to say that I made it through the surgery with flying colors. Two hours post op, I was up and using the restroom. Call it determination, stubborness, or just plain vanity, but I had to use the restroom, and the nurse said you can use a bed pan, or the restroom…And I choose the restroom…

From that moment on, I was movin and groovin.

Dont get me wrong. I had some rough days. Very painfull from time to time and I have some nerve damage in my leg that makes my leg feel like its asleep most days…

But overall, I am gratefull to be here. A million things can go wrong with ANY surgery…One done near your spine and nerves, even more so…

And, well, I can walk…And thats all I needed to hear…

I was up and walking two hours post surgery and I have never stopped…I have walked EVERY day for a minimum of 30 minutes. Watched what I ate. Etc…

Then, starting yesterday, I returned to the gym…

Nothing major…Just the treadmill and a few minutes on the elliptical until I can tell how my body feels…

So far so good…

Now…

The rock bottom part…

I think anyone who has started this journey, once, twice, how ever many times knows this feeling…

That feeling where you say “This is absolutely it.” “I am disgusted and I must do something about it”.

That point where you realize that YOU and ONLY YOU can make yourself do what you need to do…

I have been trying for months…

I have been talking about it for months…

But it was only this past weekend where it really truly hit me like a ton of bricks…

I bought a few pairs of shorts at the thrift store to “Tide me over”…In a size bigger than I am now…I told myself for sheer comfort…I assumed when I got them home and tried them on, they would be too big…

NOPE.

They fit. Almost perfectly. And for whatever reason, that was it for me. I got mad. I got frustrated. I tore myself down repeatedly…I could not beleive I had lost 64 pounds ONLY to let it go…

I have not been this big in over two years…

True…

I am not where I started.

True, I am not even where I was two years ago when I had to get back on track after a regain…

But, I am far too close for comfort…

I am so incredibly disappointed in myself…I know better…

But, after a 24 hour period of berating myself, I decided to finally get down to business…

I dusted off my food journal…Laced up those walking shoes, and out the door I headed…

Now, true, I am only on day two…But it feels different this time…(Some of you know that feeling)

I now know I MUST derail this train before I go right back to where I was…

And only I can do it. No one can do it for me…

So, I truly hope this is indeed a fresh new go around for me…

It feels like it…For sure…

It felt good to return to the gym for the first time in two months…Feels good to be journaling again…Feels good to have a plan…

I am trying to NOT focus on the fact that my new shorts fit…And just try to focus on the fact that in a month or two, they wont…

But I had to hit rock bottom first…And now I am going to start climbing outta of my hole…

No big concrete goals for me…Those just dont work for my mind…But I would like to be at least 25 pounds or more, lighter, by Christmas.

This is a very reasonable goal…And I know I have the tools to do it…I just need to do it…

No more talk…

Just action from this day forward…

Take care all!

I am scared…Nervous…Etc. etc. etc.

But…

I am also excited…This is one of my final hurdles I need to clear to get going with the next phase of my life. I am hoping this will all go well. And that before I know it, I will finally be pain free for the first time in four months. That I can work out again. Sleep through the night. Walk like a normal person.

I have a grand plan too…I think I am slowly finding my mojo again. Thanks in part to some of our buddies…Wonder Woman. Catrina. Very encouraging…

And to one of our newest members, Alicia…If you havent read her bio, please do…If it doesnt give you a reason to get up and get moving, then I dont know what will…

 Reading my fellow buddies blogs has started to motivate me…

Dont get me wrong. I am a firm beleiver that really, YOU must motivate yourself…YOU are ultimately responsible for either getting going or chosing not too. But I do think outside sources can give you a boost…Support. Encouragement. Determination…

Ultimately, I must do the work, but its nice to see others beside me on this journey too…

So, I wont be able to work out for a while while recovering (4-6 weeks) but the doctor says I can walk as soon as I feel I can. And I plan too.

My goal is to get up immediately and walk. Even if its only five minutes…

And while I am off, I want to walk my way back to health…And HOPEFULLY some weight loss.

I went to the store and stocked up on healthy foods. For I have not been home all day every day, since, well, I was a child!!! I am hoping to keep the boredom away…NO DRIVING…UGH…That sucks…

Anyway, I truly am looking at this as a fresh start for me…A tough one, maybe, but a fresh one. I TRULY want to get moving on teh weight loss again so that I can end the year either back at my lowest weight or GOD WILLING, closer to my goal weight…

Thanks for reading and I will catch up with you all later in the week!

See. When we are born, we simply start off with one title.

I was my mother’s daughter.

This is all I knew for a while. Then I met my dad, and I became my father’s daughter. Michele’s sister. I learned I was a granddaughter. A cousin. A niece.

Each of these titles expanded my world a bit, and therefore, formed a part of my identity.

I went to school and learned I was someone’s Friend. Someone’s Student.

I became someone’s babysitter. Someone’s enemy. Someone’s girlfriend. Someone’s co-worker.

I became an adult, and willingly became Steve’s wife. I also uknowingly, became Angie’s sister! HAH…(Some titles come upon us when we aren’t looking!) And so on and so on….

My titles. My world. Expanded. Little by little. Year after year. Experience after experience.

But what happens when you lose a title? Or, if you thought you would have a title but didn’t?

Well, it changes you. You have to switch gears, adapt, and keep going.

See. This happened to me. I think its happening to her. I think it happens in some way, to all of us. We forget, or perhaps we never knew, who WE  WERE at the core. Before we acquired all these titles. And so some of us feel the need to find that. Will the real Dawn please stand up????

I laugh when people I love say they “Know me so well”…Really? Because there are many days I don’t even know myself…LOL…

I have been through much in the last few years. Much of it self inflicted. Some of it, not of my making.

Most of it, from outsiders, can be traced back to my first significant weight loss. Which led many to comment that “Your weight loss has changed you”

Well. True. It did. You can’t lose a significant amount of weight and remain the same person. First of all, the dedication and motivation it takes to get there changes you. Determination is a powerful thing.

Second, as you shed layers of fat, and people start complimenting you in ways you haven’t heard before, you change. Your confidence in yourself soars. Your pride goes up. You are proud of yourself and have every right to be. Losing weight, working out, its not easy people. This is why we are in the middle of an obesity epidemic here
America.

Third, you find you are less content to just settle for the things you have always settled for. Whether it is a job, toxic friendships, or even relationships. You realize that HEY. I CAN DO ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TOO…I went out and grabbed the brass ring and damn it. I deserve better!!! You want to live life more fully. Right or wrong, that is the thought process.

And you lose patience with those who are stagnant in their lives. For many of us, losing the weight and getting healthy is the first significant thing we have ever done for ourselves. So yes. It changed me. And I am sad to say I lost more than one friendship on my journey.

I denied this for a while. I kept saying I was the same old Dawn…But I wasn’t. The thinner Dawn is different from the morbidly obese Dawn. Period. How could she not be??

But, here is what I have had trouble explaining to folks…It wasn’t just THAT title that changed me. It was a whole series of lost titles that changed me…

See, shortly before my weight loss journey, and, in fact, the reason I started the journey, I lost my dad…My dad, who had been out of my life more than in it. I could write ten blogs and never ever get that relationship down…

So what happens when you are no longer Dave’s daughter? Some of you know this feeling. No matter how old you are when it happens. Losing a parent changes you.  I lost a title. I adjusted the best way I knew how…

Then my mom had a nervous breakdown. And somehow, my role/title flipped from being Lynda’s daughter, to being her care giver. WOW. That was a blow I did not expect. I truly believe, that experience alone, changed me more than any other…

When you essentially lose two parents within a year, it knocks you down. My mom was essentially mentally gone from her life for two years. I found I had great strength. Great will to survive. And I learned to carry on without her. I had no choice. This title too, I lost, without my permission.

Then we come to the biggie. The one title lost that has shaped my entire adult life.

I am nobody’s mother.

Being a mother is a title that from our earliest memories, us girls assume we will one day have. I, like them, assumed it would one day just happen. They don’t teach you in kindergarten about infertility. They shove a baby doll in your hand and say go be a mom.

The fact that I am not now, nor ever will be, a mother, has changed me. Forever. And many many people have no idea how much. This title too, was taken from me, without my permission. And I deal with it the best I know how…I shove it down deep inside.

This brings me to my most recent lost title. I was Steve’s wife. Very happily. For many years. Then all these changes happened in a three year period, and well, Steve and Dawn couldn’t keep up with them. We tried. Both of us. At different times and in different ways. But we couldn’t adapt…

I couldn’t go back to what I was for him. And he couldn’t change and keep up for me. It was a sad state of affairs. This title I gave up. Willingly, I suppose. Depends on how far you analyze it.

And my newest title? I am a divorcee…

Talk about change…

Now. All of these titles have given me, at times, great sense of achievement, and also great sense of guilt and failure…The divorce. The infertility. I feel like a failure some days for those. The weight loss, it’s ongoing. There are moments of pride. And moments of disappointment.

So, what is the point of all this? I have rambled on and on…And if any of you are still with me, then God bless you. Go get yourself a candy bar on me! LOL…

The point is. None of us are what we seem. Truly. These titles that are slapped on us, sure, they are a part of us, but not one single one is entirely encompassing of who we are…

You can look upon another’s life. You can judge. You can assume.

You can assume one title makes up that person. “Oh, she is a soccer mom”. “Man, she is a slut!”.

You can make a million and one comments or observations. You can say “I can’t believe she did that. Why did she do that?” Etc etc. etc. But you will never know what it is like to walk in that person’s shoes…Armed with that person’s knowledge…Isn’t that a rule we learn very early in life?? To not judge until we have walked in another mans moccasins?

Yet we all do it. Even myself.

So the next time you are tempted to judge. Don’t. And the next time you are tempted to find who you are. Do. Shed the titles that no longer fit. Embrace the titles you like. And do your best to adapt to the ones you lose. Go out and find new ways to define yourself.

But remember…You and ONLY YOU know what’s at your core. And to deny it is almost like dying a bit every day. Go out today and be everything you WANT to be. Not what THEY want you to be.

“To thine ownself be true” ~William Shakespeare

And I used to hear her and Bob Greene talking about “Something emotional” making us fat…And personally. I thought it was a crock…Truly. Never did buy into that…

I think now, I need to revisit my dismissal of that…

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately…So VERY HAPPY to see some long termers returned…Its nice to know that we are never as alone as we sometimes feel…

In September I will have been here for two years…WOW…I started my weight loss journey OFFICIALLY in January of 2004!! 2004!!! It has taken me much longer than I ever could have imagined…

I have felt like a failure more than once…And I have gotten back up, more than once…And here I am…Still trying…

It is my philosophy that as long as I keep getting up and trying, then I am still successful…

So, I have done a lot of analyzing here lately…(this is kinda what I do anyway)

See…I mean well. Truly. My plans always SOUND great…I just cant always execute them…

I know how to do this. I have done it. I know what I  need to do. I know those feelings of fitting into things never before fitting into. The euphoria of being able to see your toes. Seeing pictures of yourself transformed. The compliments. The confidence. I know this all so well…And I loved it all…I lost 64 pounds…And worked for each one of those pounds…I have felt the success…

And the disappointment…

It is so easy to forget that…All of it, as you watch a few pounds creep back on. You see it. But you lie to yourself about it. And before you know it, you have regained 10, 20 or 30 of those darn pounds…And you feel awful…

Something has been holding me back for a year…A YEAR…From continuing my weight loss journey, and I could not put my finger on it.

I dont like being fat. Period. I know this. I HATE feeling stuffed into my clothes. Hate the way my face looks. My confidence has taken a giant nose dive. And I hate it.

But, I dont want to be thin bad enough.

I keep trying, and I keep failing…And I dont know why…

I think, after some examination, I have some emotional blockage. I havent figured out how to unblock it yet, but at least I feel like I have discovered what MIGHT be holding me back…

I was divorced in April. After a 16 year relationship. It was a relatively friendly divorce and I still talk to my ex every day…

And now, well, I am dating someone new…A very nice guy…

So, boo hoo, right? Whats the problem Dawn?

Well…

GUILT.

I think I have some tremondous guilt associated with the last year of my life…Now. I have talked to those around me. My ex has forgiven me for the heartache I caused him…But for some reason, I cant forgive myself…

I am horribly hard on myself…I am a bit of a perfectionist, so when I let myself down, I then beat myself up. Repeatedly…

There are days when I know I am a good person, with a kind heart, and well worth the love I receive. Then there are other days when I think WOW…You are a total Schmuck for doing that to him…

And now I have this new guy, who is completely awesome, and already thinks I am pretty groovy…And I should be soo happy, but there is something holding me back. I dont want him to love me…For I feel unworthy of it all…

There is a part of me that wonders, deep inside, if I am maybe self  sabatouging myself because if I am fat, then I dont have to deal with anybody loving me, and therefore, breaking their hearts. For I have convinced myself I will hurt everyone who loves me…

Guilt. This same guilt almost killed me last year. Honestly. I had to go on medication to deal. Maybe its time to go back on it. I dont know…

I feel kind of lost. On the threshold of a new life. Wanting that new life, yet scared to let go of the old…

Fat me was safe me.

I think I am afraid to be thinner…Because when I lost this weight the first time, all hell seems to have broken lose…And maybe I am afraid that will happen again? I just dont know…

I know that I should be grateful. To be loved twice in one lifetime by two great guys is, well, remarkable…Some people dont even get one…

But I feel unworthy of that love right now…

So somehow, in the next few days, weeks, as I get myself sorted out, I have got to find a way to accept that the past is the past, and there is no going back…That I can only sincerely apologize and try to always do better. And that somehow, I have got to always strive to be the person, both inside and OUT that these folks love…

Somehow, I have got to learn to let go of the pain. The hurt. The guilt. The past…

I want to be worthy of that love again. I want to start my future…

I want to be that beautiful, kind, giving person I used to be…

This is what it said. I swear it. And its rarely wrong, right?

So…Just when I had FINALLY found my weight loss mojo, Life, God, Mother Nature, whoever you wanna beleive is in charge…Says to me “Not so fast kid…”

I found out Monday, via an appointment with a Neuro Surgeon, that I have to have back surgery…UGH…

I have suffered severe back pain for years. I KNEW something was wrong. But my family doctor drug her feet. And stupid me did not demand any more…She kept telling me it was “Muscular” and there is nothing that could be done…

Well, this year has been hell for me. I had a bad back blowout in March. One of the worst ever where I actually could not walk or stand. I did this one morning by merely getting in my car…I was laid up for days…And I havent ever really recovered…

So for most of the last three months I have delt with chronic pain. Poppin pain pills by the dozens. Not working out like I want because it hurts. I cant sleep at night because my nerves are now affected and my leg, butt cheek, foot and toes tingle all night long…

Its made me very very crabby and depressed…

So FINALLY, in late May, I begged my doctor for an MRI…And sure enough, I have a serverely herniated disc. Degenerative Disc Disease. And arthritis in my spine…

Really?? Hmmm…I thought it was just muscular?

It is no wonder I have felt like I am 80…Ugh…

Back pain sucks. Period. And affects everything else you do.

So surgery is the option given due to the large size and the severity of the herniation. I saw the films myself, and it was all pretty gross…

So immediately, my OCD kicks in…(Who me??)

I am going to die on the table.

I am going to end up paralyzed.

I am going to gain back every single pound I lost in the last four years.

Seriously, that is what I am worried about…

My brain…I tell ya…Sometimes I could shoot my brain…

But. She encouraged me to get moving as soon as I can. Walking. The more active I am the faster I will heal. I cant run, or hit the gym vigorously, but she does encourage me to get moving…

Sooo…I am bummed. Scared. Nervous. Worried about being off for so long. Gaining weight…Etc…

But. I am also excited to MAYBE be pain free for the first time in years…And maybe I will feel sooo good when done that I can really hit the gym hard.

So.

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if I would be okay…And of course, it stated the answer I started off with…All signs point to yes…

I love my Magic 8 Ball…

This is how I roll…

I am typically a big picture kinda gal…Always need a plan…

So I have been trying to find my way back to the motivation weight loss revolution…And have sadly failed…

Analyzed it to death…

Discussed it amongst my closest friends…

And I have no answers really as to whats keeping me imobile…

I am happy…Life is basically good.

And while I am proud of maintaining 75% of my weight loss, I am simply not happy with how I look.

I went to a beer tasting last night where there were two other beer gals there…Both in their mid 20’s. One, PROBABLY a size 2, the other, taller, but probably an 8 tops…

I felt like the proverbial elephant in the room…

This was the first time in a long time where my confidence was at an all time low…UGH…

For the last two years, even on bad days, I was able to maintain my confidence…

Last night, not so much…

I feel like I kind of just faded into the couch when sitting next to these two…

I HATE THAT FEELING…For I know inside I am a strong, beautiful, sexxxy woman…UGH…

So. Its time.

The only one to blame is me.

The only one that can fix me, is me.

So.

I made a plan.

I have not exercised regularly in WEEKS.

Have not counted calories in MONTHS.

Have not journaled in MONTHS.

BAD BAD BAD.

These are all key elements to my success…

So. I am bringing them all back today.

And instead of my usual BIG PICTURE GLOBAL THINKING…

I am thinking smaller…Baby steps…One freakin day at a time…

I am giving myself a two month goal. Two months from today. August 30th.

Two months. 60 days. However I need…

Surely, TWO MONTHS sounds MUCH better than LIFETIME…

For the next two months I will:

• Journal EVERY DAY every morsel good or bad in my mouth.
• I will stay 100% on plan (1200-1300 calories) Monday through Friday
• I will shoot for 75% on the weekends
• I will exercise for a MINIMUM of 45 minutes 5 days a week
• I will blog at least once a week.

These are all things I can do.

These are all things I USED to do.

This is NOT new, unchartered territory…

But, I think to myself, SURLY I can go without for two months…That is nothing…

And at the end, if I stick to my plan, there is no reason why I should not be down a minimum of 10 pounds and GOD WILLING more…

Here I go…

Baby steps…

Wish me well…

We fight it in one form or another from the day we are born until the day we take our last breath…And it’s a useless fight. For time will always win…The one thing we should ALL know by now…Is that time continues…It was here before we were, and it will go on long after we are gone…

Nothing can stop it…

And yes, time is a healer…As we have all heard since we were little… “Time heals all wounds…” Its true…Scars remain…But the pain, does indeed, heal…

Five years ago today my life changed forever…It was a change I never expected…I never wanted…And it left me a far different person than it found me…

Five years ago today, my father died…

It was the end of a 57 year old life, and a 31 year relationship. One that was often filled with anger, tears and turmoil. For most of you who know me well, know, that my father and I had what can only be described as an on again off again relationship.

But…Its funny…With time, comes perspective…Understanding…Forgiveness…

It seems in retrospect, he was a better father than I ever gave him credit for. True. He was not the father I WANTED him to be…But he was the best father he knew how to be…And I have finally realized that. And I have chosen to forgive the missed birthdays. Holidays. School plays. Weekend visits…

And instead, I choose to remember these things…

Him calling us off school so we could go to work with him…Or taking us every year to Kings
Island with a friend. The endless nights of UNO. All the times he let us stay up late and watch HBO…Much to mom’s anger…(She would then have to deal with the after affects of letting your 6 year old watch the Exorcist or Invasion of the Body Snatchers!) LOL…All the movies he took me too…The Pepsi he would let me drink (Sorry mom!!)…ALL the happy memories of him at Buckeye Lake…Man…I truly could go on!!!

Do I miss him?

You bet. I miss him in ways I never thought…

I miss hearing him calling me Dawn Renee…For he was the ONLY person to ever call me by both my names…

I miss him yelling at me for something my sisters did.

I miss him complaining about his girlfriend. His brothers and sister.

I miss hearing him go on and on about his mother. And how wonderful she was.

I miss him telling me how much everything cost, and laugh as the figure grew and grew with each story telling…

I miss his smile…

His laughter…

I actually miss his bullshit…

I miss my dad…

I can’t believe five years has passed. For my life is so very different now than it was then…

You see, the night my father died changed me forever. I learned right then and there how very precious and short life can be. I didn’t get to tell him everything I wanted too…I didn’t get to say good bye…I didn’t get to apologize for not understanding him…I will never know if he knew how much I DID love him…I can only hope that he did…

And I decided THAT NIGHT to make changes…

And over the course of five years I did…I lost weight…And his death alone is responsible for that decision…For in his death, he reminded me of how unhealthy he had become…And quite frankly, I didn’t want to end up like him…I will fight this battle till the day I DIE, and I know he cheers me on from wherever he ended up…

I became a better, nicer person…I love quicker and deeper now…I am not afraid to tell people I love them. I show affection much more openly…I have become much closer to BOTH of my sisters…I changed jobs…I continued to do things that scared me just to prove I could do them…I have fallen in and out of love…And am not scared to love again…I try daily to live my life to the fullest…Doing things I love with people I love. I have surrounded myself with good, healthy, and happy people. I have eliminated a lot of the toxic ones…I started volunteering…I started doing 5 and 10k’s…

I fix what I can, and move on when I cant…

I forgive much easier now.

And I always. Always strive to find the good in EVERY SITUATION…Even when it’s a dark one…

Which is why I wrote this blog. For it was through the death of my father, that I became the woman I am today. And I like her very very much. Without his death, I would not be…

There are days when I don’t even recognize the woman I was then…And I wonder, often, what he would have to say about the last five years of my life…

And so, I could go on and on about how depressed I was here and there. All the tears I cried with my sister. All the “What ifs”…I could…

But I am not…

I am going to simply state, as I did above, what good things his death brought…

I got to see my father the night before he died…For that I will ALWAYS be grateful. I got to visit him in the hospital and tell him of my promotion at work. I got to hear him utter the words “Dawn, I am sooo proud of you!”

I remember him walking me to the elevator that night. Saying “You’re tired sweetheart…Go home. Drive safely, and I will talk to you tomorrow”.

I remember looking back as I was getting on the elevator, and he was standing at the window looking out…Very mellow…Very much in his own head at that point…I had no idea that would be the last time I would ever see him a live…But it’s a nice memory…And I am grateful for it.

The following day…The day of his death…A Friday…He called me THREE times at work to chat…This was soooo out of character for him…I remember even saying something to Jen who I shared an office with at the time… “Man, my dad will not leave me alone today!!!” and we kind of laughed about it…I didn’t understand it then…Now I have to wonder if he somehow knew…

The last call came at 2 in the afternoon…

He was soooo happy he had reached my older sister and made amends with her…He wanted to also tell me that they were releasing him from the hospital the next day…

I can remember his last words as if they were being whispered in my ear as I type this. “Have a good day Dawn. I love you and will see you on Sunday.”

By 4:30 Friday evening, my father was gone. Just like that…

I got the call from my sister…I had been out with Steve celebrating my promotion. I had very stupidly turned my cell phone off. No one could reach me. They had been trying to find me for two hours…

I remember picking up the phone and hearing only this “Dad’s dead”. I remember being in total and utter disbelief and shock. I remember being angry at my sister. I thought she was playing a horrible horrible joke on me. I remember dropping to the floor…Dropping the phone…And I remember SOMEHOW Steve getting me to the car and down to the hospital…I remember crying more than I ever thought a body could…

That night I choose not to remember. It was the saddest. Longest night of my life. I t was a horrible horrible night…

And now its been five years. Fights over headstones. Wills. Money. Possessions …Those are all done now…(THANK GOD!!!)

Now…

Now I am free to simply reflect on my dad…

To remember him how I want too…

To love him like I want too…

So to you dad I say this…I miss you today as much as I did five years ago…I am sorry for not telling you then how much I loved you. I am sorry for NOT telling you all the good things you did for me…I am sorry for not speaking to you for two years…What a waste of time that was…Your death has taught me many more lessons than your life ever could. And for that I am grateful…

I love you dad…

And I miss you much…

Love Always-

Your Dawn Renee

This is big for me.

I used to come to this site daily. Several times a day. Actually, I was more than a bit obsessed with it.

And I was the most successful then.

I lost 32 pounds in four months on this site.

Then I fell off the freakin wagon.

Been trying to find me a new wagon for the better part of a year.

Recently, while describing some life acheivments to a friend. I said “I have pretty much accomplished everything I set out to do…With the exception of my weight loss…”

I think that, more than anything, brought me back here…

I dont want to be a failure. Its not in my nature. I am an acheiver. A perfectionist. A go getter…

The other thing. The death of my father.

Tomorrow is the five year anniversary of his death. That means I have been fighting this battle for four and a half years. For it was his death that put me on this path in January of 2004. That is wayyyyy too long…UGH…

So here I am. I have no plan. Baby steps. I have promised myself to come out here every day, and as time permits, I will blog, read blogs, respond to blogs, and maybe just maybe, participate in the forums. In that order.

Thanks to Stephanie who commented on my last blog…

She mentioned feeling something pulling her back. I feel that too.

I kept thinking it was the demise of my marriage that was holding me back. That once I got that cleanned up, I would be able to take on the world.

Well. The divorce was final April 2nd. My ex and I get a long fine and both of us are more at peace than ever before.

I am happy. Peacefull.

I have even met a new guy. A real sweetheart…

But something inside that I can not pinpoint seems to be holding me back from moving forward…I have no idea, truly, what it could be.

As stated. I know how to do it. I have done it. I was successful at it. I am still proud of the loss I maintained. But I dont know how to get rid of the 15 pounds I regained and continue to loose down to my goal. I just seem to have no motivation or passion…And I have no idea where to look or how to find it…

Ugh…

Take care and good luck!