To me, a coward is ANYONE who places blame on someone…Anyone who does not stand up and admit when they were wrong…Fight for what they beleive in…But have enough courage to listen, learn and continue to grow. Anyone that takes the easy way out…Anyone who doesnt stay in the fight, whatever fight that might be…Anyone who runs…

I was going to come out here and check in after a week of fighting off illness…But so much has happened this week around me that I have to vent about something entirely different…

COWARDS…

Thursday night brought the news of two tragic events…

A murder/suicide here in my town. A man murders his wife. His 9 year old son. And himself. Reportedly because he has Parkinson Disease and financial troubles.

Now. Understand this.

I UNDERSTAND Depression. I have lived with Depression and Mental illness my entire life. I understand being suicidal. I have delt with a mother who has attempted it on three occasions. Hell, I myself have contemplated it a time or two. I get it. I get that dark feeling and the feeling of being alone…

Then Thursday night I hear about the Fort Hood shootings and I am like, Your kidding me, right?

Now I realize there is much much more to the story than we are hearing, but come on…A man might be upset about his deployment? He might be upset becuase people harrassed him about his religion? And what? That gives you the right to walk in and shoot over 40 people? And not even have the guts to shoot yourself? Coward…

Then today, another shooting in Orlando…Really?

When did the world get so full of cowards…

Since when does depression mean you have the right to take others down with you? Life is tough. Guess what, every single person has a story to tell. Yours is not special. Yours does NOT give you the right to take another persons life because YOU are sad and miserable.

NINE YEARS OLD. His son was NINE. Not even old enough for his first kiss. His first dance. Life is over because hey, dad was depressed. Makes me ILL.

So I have heard “Dawn, he was mentally ill…” No. He was not. He was a selfish coward. And its times like these when I REALLY hope there IS an afterlife and that he will have to pay for eternity for what he did…

There is no excuse. NONE. For taking your own childs life…

I apologize for having zero sympathy in all these cases for the shooters…All of them cowards…

You know what? Life sucks sometimes for ALL of us…Deal with it.

I am absolutely flabergasted at how sick and twisted our world has become. Kids arent safe at school. Kids arent safe at home. Soldiers arent safe on base. Workers arent safe at the office. What in the world is the world coming too?

It truly frightens me…And saddens me…

Getting off my soapbox now…Will be back this weekend to actually blog about weight loss…

Thanks for listening all and may you all have successful weekends!!!

I am certain this blog will offend at least one person…And so I do apologize in advance, but, well, you know I gotta say what I gotta say…

So, I have a friend…Well, an aquaintance really…

Met through work, later hang out on Facebook…Have never “Met” her only spoken on the phone.

Funny gal. Delightful gal.

Well, in August of this year…2009…She had the Gastric Bypass…The Lap Band…I have spoken with her about this of course, because as previously stated, I TOO have thought about doing this not once but twice…

Trust me. I know how inticing it is…

And for those of you who have had it, I am sure it was not an easy choice…

But I do have to vent for just a second…

This friend gives periodic weight updates via Facebook…

Well, its no shocker, she is dropping weight rapidly…Although its much more rapid than I thought for the lap band version…

But since August 11th, she has lost 40 pounds…She started right under 300 pounds…

She looks great and is feeling greater…

So whats my gripe?

Well, the other day when she posted her update, she also stated “I feel like I have accomplished something…”

I dont know…For whatever reason this really rubs me the wrong way…

What HAS she “accomplished”?

Surgery?

Now, I am not saying she took the easy way…For I truly have no idea what her exercise or eating regimine is now or was, but she has NEVER mentioned exercise to me…

But still…

I understand feeling good…

I understand being excited to see yourself melting away…

But I am really failing to see how having surgery to reduce your stomach intake is an accomplishment…

Perhaps I am envious…Perhaps I am jealous…Perhaps I just know in my heart what it means to work your ass off for the loss of one measley little pound…So to see someone do it rather effortlessly MIGHT make me a bit irratable…

But at any rate…Several days later and I am still dwelling on this…

Facebook…UGH…Some days I think I should just stay away from it all…LOL…

 Have a great weekend all…

On a complete whim mind you…

I am not a regular weigher…By any means…

I used to be a once a weeker…but in the last two years I do it only periodically…

Why?

Well, who wants to constantly see the scale go up? I got enough reasons to be depressed…Dont need one more!

Anyway, I know, to be completely recommitted to this journey, I need to start facing the scale…

At least weekly…

And handle whatever it tells me…The good…The bad…The ugly…

So today I jumped on it before I had a chance to really think about it…

Low and behold…

For the first time in almost TWO LONG YEARS…

The scale has moved down…

Only three pounds…

But its THREE POUNDS!!!

Three pounds closer to my first mini goal of 15 pounds by Christmas…

I know its early…

I have only been back on my game for two weeks…But I really REALLY needed to see that downward movement…To keep me focused on the WHY…Why I am here doing this…

So I am stoked…

Three pounds is nothing in the grand scheme of my plan, which is 50 pounds…But heck, I will take it…Screw that…I LOVE IT…

Me and the scale…Working towards a better relationship in the future…Woo Hoo!!!

And it feels good…

I am finding that as long as I keep my patience in check…I am good…

Which is no easy feat, really…I am the most impatient person sometimes…

Sometimes, when I am recommitted to my weight loss, I feel as long as I have been good. Real good, then I should see an immediate result…Like in my head, I feel I should put on a pair of pants and they should fall to my ankles…

Ummm, Dawn, it doesnt work that way…

It takes a while for your body to catch up to the mind set…THIS…This is my biggest battle ALWAYS when I am in my groove…

So I am finishing up my first week back and I am pretty happy with my results.

I met a friend for dinner on Friday out…And I ordered a nice GRILLED Alaskan Halibut…It was really good and low calorie..I felt full and NOT deprived…Ended Friday with 1350 calories…Not bad at all for eating out.

I am getting there…My mind seems to understand this time that I just HAVE to do this…I have too…

Its no longer an option of whether I will write in my journal today…

Whether or not I will exercise…

Whether or not I will eat healthier choices…

I just HAVE to do it. No discussion. No arguments.

I think I am finally getting myself sorted out…I hope so…

I can be fat…Or I can be thinner…I will never be THIN…But I can be thinner and healthier…

I can sit here month after month. Struggling. Whinning. Wondering why I am NOT losing weight…

Or I can face the facts and the hard truth and realize that I will never lose the weight until I committ to mySELF to do so…

Guess what?

That means that YES, I have to deny myself certain things.

YES, I will have to make some sacrafices…

Yes, for the rest of my life I will have to make these permanent changes.

That means basically I need to grow up. Own my weight. And take personal responsibility for it. I got myself here. And only I can get myself back…Period…

I can do it or not do it. The choice is mine…

I have ben reading a lot here lately about diet pills…Diet shots…Surgery…Etc…I would like to throw my two cents out there as well…

I will, and have, confessed to TWICE in my life considering the Gastric Bypass…

Its a very inticing option…

A quick surgery and suddenly I would be dropping five pounds a week…Like that!!! Sweet!!! Sign me up!!!

Or not…

Both times, I have stopped short of having it…I have many many friends and aquaintences that have had it…It was their choice and for their own reasons, they chose it…

Sadly, so far, very very few of them have been successful, long term…

LONG TERM is the key phrase…

I guess my thoughts are this…

However you choose to lose your weight is of course, YOUR choice…Whatever diet you choose, whatever exercise you do, whatever tools and resources you choose, ALL YOUR CHOICES…

Correct…

However, here is the thing…

No matter what diet…No matter what tools…The end result MUST BE a life time of changed behaviours…

PERMANENT CHANGES.

There is no quick fix. There is no magic pill.

I get soooo many emails from people…Even when I havent been on here for a while asking me “How did you do it??”

And I get the feeling they are looking for me to give them some magic code…There is none…

Any one who takes one millisecond to read my story, which is right here in the pages of my profile…My blogs…KNOWS I have struggled…They also know how I do it, and how I fail…And how I keep on trying…

My story is much more than the pictures on my profile…

To loose weight you must do this:

Consume fewer calories then you burn. Period.

As awesome as I am, I didnt invent that…LOL…Its just a basic mathmatical equation…

That is the basis of ALL diets…Atkins, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc….

And guess what…To be a long term success, to be a HEALTHIER success you will have to EXERCISE.

No, you dont need to spend 2 hours a day in a gym. But you will need to get moving…

It is possible to lose weight simply by changing your eating. I know this. I have done this. But…To be truly healthy, you are gonna have to get some exercise. Regular exercise in some form…

I know. It sucks. But its a fact…

I am amazed at the number of people who do these fast result programs…Surgery…Pills…Shots…But dont change their behaviour…

If you dont fix the problem…Then all these things are just band aids…A quick, TEMPORARY fix…

Can these things work? ABSOLUTELY…

Some people use these tools for a jump start. I get that…As mentioned, I too am impatient…I would LOVE to start seeing five to 10 pound weight loss per week.For me, it would help me…I think…

But, as with anything in life…

Things that come to us easy, are often  not appreciated…And that is the point of this long and rambling blog

You can do this the easy way…

You can do this the hard way…

The choice, indeed, is yours…

And whose to say surgery or pills ARE teh easy way? We all have different oppinions on this of course…

But for me, the hard way is just going to make a larger, longer lasting, impact on my life…When I work hard for something…VERY hard, I appreciate it more…

Does that mean that I will always be a success too? No. As noted, I have failed more times than I can count…

But I would rather fail on my terms, then the terms dictated to me by some surgeon…Or some diet pill commercial…Or whatever…

And with doing the least amount of damage to my body and my organs… 

I am in this game to become HEALTHY…

Not to be a number on a scale…

Not to be a certain size…

Not to fit within the confines of some doctors or “Proffessional’s” Weight chart that says what I SHOULD weigh…

I am doing this for me. So that I can feel good about EVERYTHING about me…Whether I end up at 180 for the rest of my life or 140…

I want to WANT to make better food choices…I want to WANT to be outside exercising in any form…

I want those choices to just be a natural reflex for me…So that no matter what weight I am at, I am living the most healthy life I can live.

I want that to be what my life IS, every day…Not just for a period of time…

Whew…

Didnt think this one could get here soon enough!

I have had a pretty good week over all…Logged my food. Stayed UNDER 1200 calories every day. (Please dont panic, I wont always keep it that low, just what I need to do my first week back) and I have gone to the gym three days (M-W) for my work out AND walked afterwards. (One night we went for an hour and a half walk!).

I did take last night off…I was starting to just feel Blah…Like I was getting sick. Not sure if I truly am, or if my body is just in shock from being back at the gym…LOL…

Either way, the next three days will be crucial…I will need to find a way to get my hour of cardio in each day whether at the gym or on hikes with my dog…If I can, then I will call this first week back a HUGE success…

So far, the eating part has been easy…

Its always amazed me how 1200 calories fills me up. NO, Not always. There are some days, no matter what, that my body wants to eat, but MOSTLY, if I use those 1200 calories wisely, lots of protein and fiber, and energy boosting foods, then yes, I go to bed every night full and satisfied…

The exercising is still a bit of a struggle…

Two big reasons. I HATE my gym right now…And my work hours are very off right now…So these two things make me not want to go. So every day is a struggle…But so far, I am winning…

I have posted some “Skinny” pics through out my house so I can focus on where I want to get to…

Some days, I look at those pictures and I dont know who that girl was…that girl that in just a few months dropped 64 pounds…She looked happy. YOUNG…Healthy…(And, by the way, I was still 180 pounds!!!) but when you compare that to 250 pounds where I started, you can see that she was a new person…

I am desperately trying to get there again…This time a little older…A little wiser…A different support system…But I still want to get there…

Its hard to forget the past…I cant continue to dwell on wehre I was, and how I let myself regain 30 pounds…I can acknowledge it and move on…Because if I dwell on that time, then I get stuck. Frustrated. And I want to give up. Thinking I will never get there again…Wondering HOW I let myself get back here…

I just cant do that anymore…Spent soooo much time beating myself up over it…

So I have really tried to just focus on my future…When on my elliptical, I envision myself, my future self, in the Spring, in smaller clothes…

I envision myself at the weight I want to be…

And in this way I hope to start eliminating the past and focusing on my future…

 I have sooooooooooo far to go…It seems overwhelming…But if I focus on one step. One pound. One gym visit. One meal at a time, it seems completely reasonable and doable…

I wish you all the best success today…May you tackle your own steps and pounds!

Day one is done, and I did great.

Yeah, I know…I have been on this journey too many times and far too long to know that one day does not make or break you…

 Trust me. I know I have a long long long road still ahead of me…

But I DO know, as some of you know, that simply getting started is the hardest part…

So thats what I did today…

I simply did what I had to do….

Wrote in my food journal…Kept my calories in check (1139!) and returned to the gym…

(Amazed, by the way, that 1200 calories CAN and DOES fill me up…)

Sure, the first day back is hard after a break…I wanted to quit the elliptical after ten minutes…I wanted to quit after 20 minutes…But I didnt…

I just kept talking myself through it in my head…

I reminded myself that I HAVE done this before…That I CAN do this again…

And it worked…

I finished the day with a nice cardio workout under my belt…A completed food journal…And my calories falling just under 1200…I feel good…Motivated and focused…

I KNOW I can do this. A few months of hard work, some sacraficing and dedication, and before I know it, it will all become routine again and I will miss nothing…

I know this…

And the reward for my hard work will be so powerful that I wont mind the work at all…As a matter of fact, after a few months, it ceases to become work, and is just a part of my life…

 I cant wait to get back to that feeling…

And today, well, today was a very good start…

Wishing you all successful days as well…

Wow…You know you have been away from a website for a while when you come back and the log on screen looks completely different and your log on information is no longer stored…That’s a giant wake up call…

It’s been too long… And I know this…

Writting has always been a release for me… In high school I wrote poetry to release my thoughts…A short story here or there…But never really considered myself a writer… Then in 2006 I discovered the internet…LOL… Okay, the internet had been there for awhile, and I was familiar with searching, shopping, etc…But I had no idea about forums, groups, blogs, etc… So that’s when I discovered blogging.

I had no idea what it was or how to do it…But I do believe I took to it rather quickly… It was like free therapy… I started blogging on www.buddyslim.com primarily about my weight loss…It was a God send to me…(You can read my pathetic attempt at my first blog here:  http://dawnrenee1313.buddyslim.com/2006/09/21/new-person-here/ )

Pretty sad, eh???

But as I went a long, I found my footing, and I got better… This remains one of my all time favorite blogs: http://dawnrenee1313.buddyslim.com/2007/02/01/i-believe/

I think I like this blog because of its honesty…

I blogged then, as I still do, primarily for myself…I like writting down my thoughts and feelings…And I felt if I could help just ONE person know they they are not alone, then it was worth putting myself out there… And putting myself out there is what I have always tried to do…

I do not hold back in my blogs…I say what I have to say, and am full aware of the consequences…

Through the years it has mostly been good…Honestly…

And I discovered something else…I think I am pretty good at it…

I try always to be honest and straightforward, and just a tad witty. I like to make fun of myself just a bit and call it like I see it…And I like to make people think…No matter what the subject matter is, I want to bring a different side of the story to your attention. To agree with or not, it is your choice, but man, if I can open your eyes and your mind for just a second, then I feel successful. If I can make you chuckle? Doubly so…

I have learned that I am more successful in my efforts when I blog…Not just about weight loss but also life…When I blog, I feel more normal…I can’t explain it, it just is…

So after a month hiatus, here I am again…Blogging…

And now on to the title of this blog…

I have been very blessed in my life to have found partners who think I am beautiful… Not just inside, but out…(This, of course, makes perfect sense to me, because I happen to think I AM a beautiful woman, no matter what my size!!)

Unlike some ladies, my weight has truly never been in issue in the relationship department…Seems a lot of men arent nearly as shallow as we are lead to beleive…

I have intelligence, wit and charm that exceeds the package I happen to currently be in…

Well, lets be honest, even as a fat chick, I am kinda easy on the eyes…LOL!!!

I met my ex-husband when I was 20 years old and a very pretty, but plump, size 14!! It never seemed to bother him, and over the years, I dont think he critisized my weight ever…Even when I went from a 14 to a size 22!!!! Yep. You read that right…

Actually, he told me often how beautiful I was or how nice I looked…

Overall, I am grateful…It would suck to be in a relationship with an ass who only sees a package…Of course, I am way too vocal to be in such a relationship…But thats just me…

Sometimes, this made me mad…And you will soon find out why….

After my divorce, I met Brian…

Now, Brian is a nice guy. Truly. A super guy, actually…He is one of those guys that all of us girls hear about but dont believe exist…Not only is Brian a nice guy. He is actually an awesome person. Inside and out, this man is just GOOD…He doesnt PRETEND to be a good person…He actually IS a good person…Kind to the point of saint hood. No, really!!!

I have not hear him utter a mean word about ANYONE unless it deals with child abusers or animal abusers…Then you start to see the anger…Other than that, he is the absolutely most kind hearted, laid back, supportive individual I have EVER met…

Of course, I have inside knowledge that I cant share here, but there have been circumstances in his life where he COULD have been a bad man, but he chose NOT to be…Amazing!

Now he enters my life and brings all that good human goodness my way…And I already thought I was a pretty awesome person, but Brian, I do believe Brian even tops my awesomeness… (Please dont tell him I said this for he will be a demon to live with for a while due to his increased ego size…)

But sometimes all his kindness, devotion and love makes me mad… WHY?? Because much like my ex husband, Brian thinks I am beautiful…He doesnt just THINK it…Oh no…He TELLS ME…DAILY…He will say silly things like “Your so hot…”  “Your ass looks sexy…” (Because apparently having an ass the size of a small house is hot????)

He not only gives these thoughts lip service, he truly seems to believe it…

No. I know what you are thinking…I really am as crazy as I sound…I have learned to embrace my quirkiness…You should too!!!!

Not only does he think I am beautiful, but he seems completely and utterly ignorant to the fact that since I met him almost two years ago, I have gained 30 pounds!!! Not 5. Not 10. BUT 30 POUNDS… People…. This is absolutely ridiculous. Upsetting. And frustrating.

Prior to our first meeting, I was at a 65 pound loss…After meeting, I have regained half that weight back… GOOD FREAKING GRIEF… Now hears why I am mad… Instead of gently telling me I need to get off my fat ass and RE-lose this weight that I worked sooooo hard at losing… He continues to love me unconditionally…Damn him!!! And I HATE it…Really! Why cant he just be an asshole and tell me I am a fatass??? I know I am. I think inside he HAS to know it too…

I have spent a lot of time over the last few weeks going over the events of the last few years that have lead me to this moment… The moment where I find myself climbing slowly but steadily back UP the scale… And I have come to the conclusion that I simply dont like where I am…It is getting harder EVERY DAY to see myself as the woman HE SEES…

 And I hate that…

I KNOW I am beautiful. Sexy. Fun. No matter what package I am in…But its getting harder to convince myself of this…

Yeah, its easy to place the blame on everyone but me…Its far too easy to say “Well, I got a divorce…” “I had a back injury”…”I had a medication that made me gain weight”…”I had a new stressful job”…”If my bofriend just found me hideous it would be easier to lose the weight”…Etc. etc. Etc…

For all these things ARE true… But the simple fact is, in the last few weeks I have been closer than ever to wanting to give up and just be fat. Forever. I mean, why bother? I have a great guy who loves me regardless, right? So what would be the poing??

I have even gone so far as to wanting BADLY to have the lap band version of the gastric bypass surgery…Because I am tired. I am so tired of thinking about it. Blogging about it. Talking about. Planning it.

FOOD, WEIGHT LOSS, FITNESS and things surrounding those topics probably consumes about 90% of my day…And its exhausting…Truly… But at my core, I know myself… And yes, three years have passed since that first blog…Six years have passed since I first decided to get healthy… And yes, gastric bypass is indeed a tool and a resource that is available to me…And its one I just might do some day…

But heres the the thing about me… I tend to do things the hard way…I call it stubborness…I blame it on being a Taurus…

Doing things the hard way or the long way just seems to be my M.O.

So once again I find myself back at the drawing board…Looking for motivation…Tools…Resources…To help me kick this weight gain…

I have some new things on the table I am trying…And its going to be slow going at first… But for now, I know that surgery is not the option for me…Its just not the way I want to do it yet…Which is why I didnt do it the first time I researched it way back in 2004…

In the end, even with the surgery, you have to be willing and ready to make a lifetime committment to healthier eating…To exercise…Etc…

And if I am going to do that ANYWAY, I might as well try ONE MORE TIME to do it this way…And save myself several thousand dollars…And a lifetime of maintenance and denial of certain foods…

So this is me…Once again…Starting over… Blogging…Eating right…Exercising…And hopefully conquering this beast that is Obesity…