Why doesn’t he just call me a fat ass and be done with it???
*Originally posted at thoughts.com
Wow…You know you have been away from a website for a while when you come back and the log on screen looks completely different and your log on information is no longer stored…That’s a giant wake up call…
It’s been too long… And I know this…
Writting has always been a release for me… In high school I wrote poetry to release my thoughts…A short story here or there…But never really considered myself a writer… Then in 2006 I discovered the internet…LOL… Okay, the internet had been there for awhile, and I was familiar with searching, shopping, etc…But I had no idea about forums, groups, blogs, etc… So that’s when I discovered blogging.
I had no idea what it was or how to do it…But I do believe I took to it rather quickly… It was like free therapy… I started blogging on www.buddyslim.com primarily about my weight loss…It was a God send to me…(You can read my pathetic attempt at my first blog here: http://dawnrenee1313.buddyslim.com/2006/09/21/new-person-here/ )
Pretty sad, eh???
But as I went a long, I found my footing, and I got better… This remains one of my all time favorite blogs: http://dawnrenee1313.buddyslim.com/2007/02/01/i-believe/
I think I like this blog because of its honesty…
I blogged then, as I still do, primarily for myself…I like writting down my thoughts and feelings…And I felt if I could help just ONE person know they they are not alone, then it was worth putting myself out there… And putting myself out there is what I have always tried to do…
I do not hold back in my blogs…I say what I have to say, and am full aware of the consequences…
Through the years it has mostly been good…Honestly…
And I discovered something else…I think I am pretty good at it…
I try always to be honest and straightforward, and just a tad witty. I like to make fun of myself just a bit and call it like I see it…And I like to make people think…No matter what the subject matter is, I want to bring a different side of the story to your attention. To agree with or not, it is your choice, but man, if I can open your eyes and your mind for just a second, then I feel successful. If I can make you chuckle? Doubly so…
I have learned that I am more successful in my efforts when I blog…Not just about weight loss but also life…When I blog, I feel more normal…I can’t explain it, it just is…
So after a month hiatus, here I am again…Blogging…
And now on to the title of this blog…
I have been very blessed in my life to have found partners who think I am beautiful… Not just inside, but out…(This, of course, makes perfect sense to me, because I happen to think I AM a beautiful woman, no matter what my size!!)
Unlike some ladies, my weight has truly never been in issue in the relationship department…Seems a lot of men arent nearly as shallow as we are lead to beleive…
I have intelligence, wit and charm that exceeds the package I happen to currently be in…
Well, lets be honest, even as a fat chick, I am kinda easy on the eyes…LOL!!!
I met my ex-husband when I was 20 years old and a very pretty, but plump, size 14!! It never seemed to bother him, and over the years, I dont think he critisized my weight ever…Even when I went from a 14 to a size 22!!!! Yep. You read that right…
Actually, he told me often how beautiful I was or how nice I looked…
Overall, I am grateful…It would suck to be in a relationship with an ass who only sees a package…Of course, I am way too vocal to be in such a relationship…But thats just me…
Sometimes, this made me mad…And you will soon find out why….
After my divorce, I met Brian…
Now, Brian is a nice guy. Truly. A super guy, actually…He is one of those guys that all of us girls hear about but dont believe exist…Not only is Brian a nice guy. He is actually an awesome person. Inside and out, this man is just GOOD…He doesnt PRETEND to be a good person…He actually IS a good person…Kind to the point of saint hood. No, really!!!
I have not hear him utter a mean word about ANYONE unless it deals with child abusers or animal abusers…Then you start to see the anger…Other than that, he is the absolutely most kind hearted, laid back, supportive individual I have EVER met…
Of course, I have inside knowledge that I cant share here, but there have been circumstances in his life where he COULD have been a bad man, but he chose NOT to be…Amazing!
Now he enters my life and brings all that good human goodness my way…And I already thought I was a pretty awesome person, but Brian, I do believe Brian even tops my awesomeness… (Please dont tell him I said this for he will be a demon to live with for a while due to his increased ego size…)
But sometimes all his kindness, devotion and love makes me mad… WHY?? Because much like my ex husband, Brian thinks I am beautiful…He doesnt just THINK it…Oh no…He TELLS ME…DAILY…He will say silly things like “Your so hot…” “Your ass looks sexy…” (Because apparently having an ass the size of a small house is hot????)
He not only gives these thoughts lip service, he truly seems to believe it…
No. I know what you are thinking…I really am as crazy as I sound…I have learned to embrace my quirkiness…You should too!!!!
Not only does he think I am beautiful, but he seems completely and utterly ignorant to the fact that since I met him almost two years ago, I have gained 30 pounds!!! Not 5. Not 10. BUT 30 POUNDS… People…. This is absolutely ridiculous. Upsetting. And frustrating.
Prior to our first meeting, I was at a 65 pound loss…After meeting, I have regained half that weight back… GOOD FREAKING GRIEF… Now hears why I am mad… Instead of gently telling me I need to get off my fat ass and RE-lose this weight that I worked sooooo hard at losing… He continues to love me unconditionally…Damn him!!! And I HATE it…Really! Why cant he just be an asshole and tell me I am a fatass??? I know I am. I think inside he HAS to know it too…
I have spent a lot of time over the last few weeks going over the events of the last few years that have lead me to this moment… The moment where I find myself climbing slowly but steadily back UP the scale… And I have come to the conclusion that I simply dont like where I am…It is getting harder EVERY DAY to see myself as the woman HE SEES…
And I hate that…
I KNOW I am beautiful. Sexy. Fun. No matter what package I am in…But its getting harder to convince myself of this…
Yeah, its easy to place the blame on everyone but me…Its far too easy to say “Well, I got a divorce…” “I had a back injury”…”I had a medication that made me gain weight”…”I had a new stressful job”…”If my bofriend just found me hideous it would be easier to lose the weight”…Etc. etc. Etc…
For all these things ARE true… But the simple fact is, in the last few weeks I have been closer than ever to wanting to give up and just be fat. Forever. I mean, why bother? I have a great guy who loves me regardless, right? So what would be the poing??
I have even gone so far as to wanting BADLY to have the lap band version of the gastric bypass surgery…Because I am tired. I am so tired of thinking about it. Blogging about it. Talking about. Planning it.
FOOD, WEIGHT LOSS, FITNESS and things surrounding those topics probably consumes about 90% of my day…And its exhausting…Truly… But at my core, I know myself… And yes, three years have passed since that first blog…Six years have passed since I first decided to get healthy… And yes, gastric bypass is indeed a tool and a resource that is available to me…And its one I just might do some day…
But heres the the thing about me… I tend to do things the hard way…I call it stubborness…I blame it on being a Taurus…
Doing things the hard way or the long way just seems to be my M.O.
So once again I find myself back at the drawing board…Looking for motivation…Tools…Resources…To help me kick this weight gain…
I have some new things on the table I am trying…And its going to be slow going at first… But for now, I know that surgery is not the option for me…Its just not the way I want to do it yet…Which is why I didnt do it the first time I researched it way back in 2004…
In the end, even with the surgery, you have to be willing and ready to make a lifetime committment to healthier eating…To exercise…Etc…
And if I am going to do that ANYWAY, I might as well try ONE MORE TIME to do it this way…And save myself several thousand dollars…And a lifetime of maintenance and denial of certain foods…
So this is me…Once again…Starting over… Blogging…Eating right…Exercising…And hopefully conquering this beast that is Obesity…
Wow, u got a lot out there, Dawn
Ur blogs r very well written, I do agree with you ! and I also agree with you that you are BEAUTIFUL! One of my staff persons had gastric bypass in August. she probaly has 150 or so to lose. She has, so far, loast right under 60 probably. She told em the other day sometimes she thinks she should ahve just did what I did and lost it the “hard way.” Honestly, I thin the gastric bypass is the “hard way.” I don’t see anythign “easy” about it. She had to go through a serious surgery, spend time in bed recovering, miss 4 weeks of work, she can only drink 1/3 of the amount of water one should be drinking and she has to be VERY strict with her food intake and easing certain foods back into her diet. Talk about all consuming! I do not judge people who choose the surgery. It is not an EASY way out. I do feel fo rher, though cause she thinks I am the one who did it the hard way when I feel bad for her for the regrest she is having due to the surgery. There is no easy way, is there? I wish u well on getting back into the groove ~
Dawnie. It can be done. The drs were recommending surgery for me at one time. I will be forever glad I didn’t. You can do it too.
Welcome back.
You can do this.
I agree with you–you are beautiful no matter what your size is.
Once again, welcome back!
Thanks ladies…I too have several friends who have had the surgery. Some have been successful, some have not…The fact of the matter is, you CAN beat that system. Over time, you can eat more and gain the weight back. So there really is NO PERMANANT solution unless you change your behaviours…And if I am willing to do that, then I need to give this another try. A REAL try before I go that route…
Thanks for sharing, and welcome back
I’ve been on and off this site a lot in the past few years and I guess it’s nice to know that it’s like a great friend…it’s always there for you when you need it!
I think that when weight loss is for good, something just clicks. You think of life in a totally different way. I’ve had the most success this time around and I truly feel it will stick. I’ve learned portion sizes and have just stuck to eating whole grains, fruits, veggies, and lean meats. I have also been using sparkpeople.com and that has been a great tool!
Good luck to you, Dawn. You CAN do this!!
Good luck!
WELCOME WELCOME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have a good man.
You can do ti. I know you can. Take it slowly and don’t just jump in. That might make all the differnce. baby steps.
Hey Dawn, I absolutely loved reading this, You put into words exactly how I feel almost all of the time. Karl too is really super supportive which makes it really hard to find a reason to start to try to lose especially because I am pretty comfortable with my weight, I actually like the person I am now at this weight more than I liked the person I was when I was skinny. I am at the point I was looking at the lap band but had the same thought if I have gotta change my life anyway why have this surgery that I am prolly gonna have panic attacks about for the rest of my life…. I recently had gall bladder surgery, and was using my one month recovery time as an excuse not to get back to exercising, although it has now been over a month as my wii fit wonderfully reminded me today. It said something about being thirty days since my last visit and Dylan chimed in with 30 days that’s a month mom you can get back on with exercising, apparently my kids are very aware of my tries and give ups. I think that I will def be looking to your blog for some much needed inspiration as I too once again try! Look forward to reading:)