Detours and Delusions
Comments(3) | Detours and Delusions
Well, the title really does say it all… I feel I have been on one giant life detour for, well, almost a year!! (Actually, probably a bit longer, but I won’t bore you with that!) It started late last summer, but sadly, continued on through this first half of the year…How did it get this way? I really have no clue…I guess it’s all a part of life just not working out how we plan it. Period. In a nutshell, since August of 08 I had, and recovered from back surgery…Was raring to go within 6 weeks and finally started down the right path, back to wellness…Was feeling so motivated…So happy to be pain free for the first time in four years… Then in November I decided to quit my rather wonderful job and move from Ohio to Florida…Why would I do this?? Well, I had/have a rather wonderful boyfriend residing there first of all…Second of all, with no children, or dependants of any nature, and at the then age of 36, I thought, WHY NOT?!? I thought “what do I have to lose??” Silly girl… I had a lot to lose…Benefits. Great pay. Great boss. Great co workers. Great friends and family surrounding me. A safe and cheap roof over my head. Comfort zone galore… I failed to recognize the seriousness of the economy…Or my role in that…Lesson number one learned the hard way… It took me about 6 weeks to find a job in Florida, and when I did, it was at a significant pay cut. Like over 40%!!!! I started working in January…I did join a gym…And started working out again regularly and was actually feeling pretty good until March…Thinking I could FINALLY get going with this weight loss thing again…Size 9 in 09 was my new motto…I was confident I could do it. Heck, I KNEW I could do it, as long as everything stayed on track… So what happened in March?? Well, by mid March I was told I was laid off…Laid off?? Are you kidding me? From this crappy low paying job I hated anyway??? In addition to my lay off, which was a bit annoying but not mourned too much, my boyfriend found out HE was losing his job after 15 years with his company… Who did WE piss off up stairs, huh??? Talks ensued. Tough. VERY TOUGH decisions had to be made, and jointly, we packed up everything we owned and spent money we didn’t really have and moved BACK to Ohio where the job market looked a bit more promising for me and he was able to transfer to another division within his company without any loss of time or benefits. (This is the super condensed version of the story of course!) So goodbye Florida, hello (Again!) Ohio… We arrived the second week of April, and while the boyfriend immediately went to work, yours truly started the very daunting, and extremely frustrating task, of finding full time employment at the worst time in the history of our economy that I have seen in my life time… Very few jobs posted in my field and those that were had 300 applicants vying for one position. I did EVERYTHING they say you should do. Updated my resume. Networked like crazy. I reached out to every co worker and boss I ever had. Attended numerous job fairs. Lowered ALL my expectations. Started applying for things outside of my field but relevant. Signed on with SEVEN different temp agencies. Updated my interview outfits. Maintained my appearance. Etc… The result? Five. Count them. FIVE interviews…And no jobs. NOT EVEN THROUGH THE TEMP SERVICES. In three long months…Stay positive they say! That is the key! And how do you do that??? I have no idea why. I am a good worker with excellent references and a fairly stable work history mind you! For three months I thought of little else but finding a job, and paying my bills. I did not qualify for unemployment since I was laid off in Florida after only having worked there for two months. I didn’t qualify in Florida or Ohio since I left my last Ohio job voluntarily. After 25 years of paying into the system and working my tail off, I qualified for nothing…I was a glitch in the system. My weight? It was there. Always…In the back of my mind. But I had neither the time or the energy to think about it. Perhaps that’s a cop out. I don’t know. So now the delusions part of this rambling blog. Back in 2006 when I finally and utterly committed myself to my weight loss journey I lost over 65 pounds. I looked and felt AWESOME. It was hard. I focused on my weight loss and almost ONLY my weight loss… So during the last year of my life, I have managed to regain over 25 pounds of the 65 I lost. This is absolutely devastating. Nothing fits. I have totes full and I do mean TOTES full of new clothes in a much smaller size that I never wore and still have tags!!! I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I hate seeing pictures of myself now…For the first time since 2006 I don’t WANT to take pictures of myself. I don’t want to see the girl I have let myself slip back too. I was soooo disillusioned. Thinking that the last time was the FOREVER time. That I would WIN this battle once and for all…Man, have I been proven wrong… So here I am. AGAIN. Half of 2009 is now over, and I spent the first half just surviving. And trust me, there were some dark days there when surviving was about all I could do… But this time I must be careful. I must strike the balance between commitment and compulsion. I have to put it first, but I DON’T want to lose those I love or the life I have lived in the last year just to lose weight. So this begins my next struggle. How to lose the weight. Get healthy. While still living my life with my friends and family. I don’t have the answers yet but I am now FINALLY ready to begin again, the journey I started over five long years ago… I now know that this will never ever end for me…I have considered, honestly, bariatric surgery…And while that’s still out there, in my mind, I know that even THAT will not end the battle for me… So until I reach a destination I feel comfortable with, I truly have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and tackle one thing, one day, at a time… For me, today, I brought my walking shoes, and will use my lunch hour to walk…It’s a small step…A very small step…But it’s a start…And we all must find some place to jump in and get started… This will be mine… |
