For the 1000th time…
I feel I have written this blog 1000 times.
I bet most of you feel you have read it 1000 times. LOL…
I have been gone from here for about a month. On purpose.
I am not sure what shifted in the universe in February for me, but I did some major curling up in a ball. I am certain I had some depression going on. Sadly, I am currently uninsured and can’t really do anything about it right now. So I kind of had to let it run its course, and talk myself through it.
I felt fatter than ever, and was soooo tempted to eat my way to oblivion. To just become the morbidly obese person I seem destined to become. Then I would go to the other extreme and want to get gastric bypass. I was all over the board. Very lost I was!
I am not 100% yet. But I am feeling the beginnings of hope again. And for all of you who have battled depression, you know this is a start.
I have no idea what triggered it. Finances probably. I am, like most of you, wondering how I am going to live for the next few years. I took a 30% pay cut, and I am getting further in the hole each passing month.
Add to that the never ending battle of the bulge, and well, you have a sad, depressed, poor fat chick.
I was sooo motivated in December and January, then came February, and I lost it all. Why Oh Why does it come and go like that??
If I could answer that, I would be rich woman indeed.
I came on here one day in early February, read a blog that I absolutely did not like or agree with, and for some reason, I just backed away. I didn’t comment on the blog. Or to the person. Because this person is a buddy of mine. And I didn’t think I was in the proper state of mind. But my reaction to that blog made it clear to me that I needed a breather from buddyslim for a while. I actually withdrew from other things too. Its just kind of what I do when I am trying to figure myself out. I flirted briefly with another site. GASP!! (I did. I did.)
But I didn’t like it. My history is here. Period.
Buddyslim has been like a warm blanket to me for the last three years.
So I have started sorting myself out. AGAIN. And I know I am a freaking broken record. Trust me. But I WILL get this done. I HAVE to.
I have adjusted my motto from “Workin towards a size 9 in 09” to “THERES STILL TIME IN 09”.
That’s right. There are 10 months left to the year. I still have time to work towards my goal if someone on the biggest loser can lose 100 pounds in 8 weeks. SURELY I could lose 50 by the end of the year. Okay. Realistically, I need to drop 60 to even approach a size 9. But I have not given up. Just had a momentary lapse of reason.
People. I have been on both sides of this battle. I have been hugely successful for over a year. Dropping the weight like melted butter. And I have struggled beyond struggle with some regain. THIS IS THE HARDEST BATTLE I HAVE EVER FOUGHT and I am convinced I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY.
For those of you who regularly dish out advice here, I would ask you to remember that. When life is good, and we are feeling great, it’s easy to lose patience with those around us who aren’t keeping up. I know. Been there. It’ far too easy to judge others. We have all done it. Its easy to forget the struggles when we are feeling so fine. But remember, in a heartbeat, it can go. And you will be right back on the other side.
Thus ends Dawn’s lecture for the day! LOL.
I am flying home to Ohio tonight to visit my family and my dogs. And when I get back on Sunday I am diving into 09 once again. I have lost count of what attempt this is, but I don’t think that matters so much any more.
What matters is I am still here. I am loved. And I am fairly healthy. The rest is all fixable, so I must be getting around to doing some repairs on this old life of mine…
Have a safe trip home Dawn. You really need it.
I wish you the best these past 10 months.
What we write in these blogs are personal for the most part. It is a place for the individuals to vent and let out their feelings about this journey. I do it every day because it’s my free therapy.
Whenever you are ready to do it, you know how and when and why. Good luck and you have a ton of people backing you when you do.
Not past 10 I mean next 10 months.
Fall down seven times, stand up eight.
You can do it (again) once you get your focus back. We’ve all been there as you said. Glad to see you back
Glad to see you here again. Welcome back!! Good luck girl, debbie
We miss you. But I have been where you are. I support you.
Just looking at your before & after pictures I can see that you’ve come a long way already and should be SO proud of that. 2009 has just began and you have the rest of this year to make your goal. 2009 is YOUR year and don’t let anyone take that from you. Best of luck! By just coming back on here…you’re already on your way.
I know what you mean, I got sick in February and just seemed to have trouble fully bouncing back. I went through the motions, ate well, did workouts, but always some little piece was missing.
I’m feeling better now, and just yesterday I felt like quitting. It can go that quick.
I think this is all part of the journey that some of us have to make on this. Maybe for some, it goes faster, or looks different, but maybe for some of us, we have to fall a few times to get it right. I don’t know.
I know that even though it’s hard, I’m sticking to it, and it sounds like you are too. Welcome back.
Relating to so very very much with you. Im not giving up but so very tired of fighting myself and the world. Tired leads to depressed I suppose. Thinking of you…
So glad to see you back
You mentioned no insurance right now. You may want to look into whether or not there is a place that will see people without insurance. I work in Illinois and my work is strictly for the uninsured and underinsured. We do not see people with private insurance. The psychiatrists and therapists are great and often have their own private practices or also work at hospitals. Something to keep in mind if you decide it is what you need. It is the “helper” in me. Take care and completely enjoy your trip.
Dawnie, I understand what you are going through and needing the time away to pull yourself out of the funk. Know that we are all here for you and know you need to take care of you! One step at a time, my friend. Depression can definitely take you down a few notches when you try to stand up! Breathe…sometimes it’s one second, then one minute (you know the rest) at a time. Safe travels, my friend!
Hi Dawn! Remember its not the past that is important its the present and future. It sounds like I have similar problems to you and I understand how one minute you are so into something and another its just not that important. Exercise always seems to help me because it clears my mind and allows me to think clearly. I hope you have a great time when you go to see your family! Try to clear your mind. When you return come back focused. I have confidence in you!
i understand how you feel , im glad you see hope . i hope everything gets better for you !
Good Luck to you.. Hope everything will be fine. I have some great information here. take a look.
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