Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

The academy of BUDDYSLIMMERS that is!!!!

So, I am gonna be honest here. I simply dont take kindly to these blogs that scream out “Hey, look at me…” And by that, I mean the ones that say “I am leaving the site because so and so hurt my feelings” or “You people suck because you dont support me like I THINK you should”. You all know the ones I mean…I absolutely HATE it. It starts an endless, vicious circle, EVERY TIME…

My last blog got 5 comments. FIVE. I have 100 buddies. Now, I could whine about that, but instead, I KNOW that the reason for that is because I havent been here giving MY support like I should. Additionally, there are some blogs that rock it, and some blogs that dont. Period. I have some blogs with 30 comments. And some with 1. Just depends on who was feeling me that day, you know?

At any rate, I am going to take at least THIS moment. On THIS blog to give some shout outs to some folks who SINCERELY deserve it.

For the truth is, I have NOT been a great buddy lately. I have even left my poor forum support folks hanging and I do so apologize.

If your name is NOT on this list, do not be offended. There are MANY of you who touch me, inspire me, and amuse me DAILY. But these folks are CONSISTENTLY good buddies…

So to: Jessica, Khrys, Mindy, Theresa, and Stacianne, THANK YOU for all the booster notes. I log in after a couple of days and WITHOUT FAIL you guys have left notes or emails for me. THANK YOU!!!

To Miss Nancy, the Booty Bouncing Blogging Phenom… Shanna and Lori (Who used to be just an apple!), thank you for almost ALWAYS reading or responding to my blogs. I appreciate it!!!!!

To my very special buddies, my long long long LONG timers…LOL… Jo, Catrina, Kama, and Bette Jo, Thank you for being my buddy for so long. For commenting. Saying hi. Inspiring me. Etc. Catrina, I hope you and your husband are having the time of your lives right now!!

And a very special thanks to anyone who has EVER read one of my blogs or felt my story was worth reading…

You get out of this site what you put in. Period. Always. No one can lose this weight for you. You either do it or you dont. And if you dont you come out here to figure out why…And if you do, you come out here and tell us all how!

Also, welcome back to Angie and Tamira. Two of my very first buddies wayyyyy back in 2006. I hope you guys stick around for a while!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

“When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”

~Coldplay

Jo, I read your comments on my blog and you know what? I have not one single answer for us.

I know exactly what you are talking about and who. I have watched soooo many people come and go here on buddyslim.

Some have been here as long as me, and have had very little loss. Some came in like ganbusters, lost their weight, and presumably left the site. Are they still successful? I dont know…But, it wouldnt suprise me if they werent…

Some of our very own buddies ARE doing it. And doing it well.

What do they have that we dont?? I dont know. I dont think its quite that simple…Really…

We have a pretty high return rate here at buddyslim. Not like, all scientific like, but I have seen it. I know you have too. People come, people go, people return…

You know why? Because this is a hard hard battle…

Even when you think you have won it, you havent. Not really. For many of us, it will never truly end…

And no offense, but I am not talking about the folks who have ten, twenty pounds to lose…You have your own battles. I get it. But losing a significant amount of weight is HARD. If you are a morbidly obese person trying to be a thin person, its a truly hard battle…It takes time. Sacrafice. And dedication.

This is not “Hey, I want to look good in my wedding dress…Or I want to wear a bikini”…This is I MUST DO THIS OR I WILL DIE…Period.

I have had it. I have had that success. I have lost it. I have had it again.

Long term success is difficult. They have studies that PROVE this fact…

So what sets us apart from them??

I do not know.

In EVERY aspect of my life I have the drive and determination to succeed. This is not a brag. This is not a boast. This is my own fact. I am one of the most stubborn, hard working, dedicated gals I know. Tell me I cant do it, and I will kill myself proving you wrong.

This character trait of mine has served me so well in all I have done.

Careers. Relationships. Hobbies. Etc.

Why can I not CONSITANTLY channel this into long term PERMANANT weight loss success???

I dont know.

But here are the facts I do know.

I have lost a lot of weight. I know how to do it. And I feel GREAT when its getting done.

If you add in the loss and reloss, I have lost WELL OVER 100 pounds in the last five years. That, dear friends, is not an easy task…Loosing weight two or three times over is more difficult than the first time. Trust me on that.

I know what it takes. I know the tricks. The tools. The ins and the outs. I have the desire. I have the motivation. And yet something remains elusive to me. And I have no idea why. I do not know why I will not let myself succeed.

Yes, I have been around long enough to have learned that CLEARLY, I am my own worst enemy and my biggest sabatoger. But I dont know why…

Soooo…

In the mean time. I am STILL HERE. STILL FIGHTING. STILL WANTING TO SUCCEED.

I dont know what else to do…Honestly.

Today I put my new plan in action, and it was a successful day. I did a full hour at the gym. Logged my food. And I feel good. Tired, but good…

I still hope to acheive my goal of a size nine in 2009. I have 10 1/2 months to get there. And I know I can…

Will I? Dont know…I hope so. I pray about it. I talk about it. I want it. Very much so…

I think I just really wanted to say to ANYONE out there who may be reading this:

If this is your first time around, and you are doing well, then KEEP DOING IT. Dont stop. Dont take a break. Dont let it go, because doing it the second, third, or fourth time SUCKS. Period.

If you, like me, are struggling, know that you are NOT alone. That there may not be ready answers for you, but there are plenty of people out here who relate and can at least see you through the dark times.

And until it all makes sense. Until you find your magic key. Just keep on going through the motions. Please. Dont give up.

If we give up, we die. Period.

And I dont know about you, but I sure do have a heck of a lot of livin left to do…

Take care buddies…

Or, BOCK, if accent means anything!

Well, after my mini meltdown, pity party, self loathing, etc…

I have taken many of my buddies advice and decided to do something different.

I took the whole weekend to dwell on it. Think on it. Analyze it. Etc.

I dont know why its gotten so hard for me…Truly.

I know I want this. I know I am TIRED of being fat. I know I am not happy with myself or my appearance. I know I want what I had back in 2006. The confidence. The pride in a job well done. I know it takes a while. I know 1-2 pound per week is my M.O. And I have ALWAYS been okay with this. Up till now.

Now, I am just tired and want it done.

I am soooo tired suddenly, of counting calories. Of looking at pictures and picking only the ones that hide my double chin. Of putting on pants that are too tight or show too many rolls.

I know I hate all of this.

But I have no idea how to CONTINUOUSLY chanel that into action and progress…

I havent lost my mojo. Or my desire. I have somehow lost the ability to lose even ONE pound a week. And I MUST try to find out why.

Age?

Does a few years make that much difference? (I dont know. Really.)

Has all the loss and re-gain (Like 30 times!) messed up my body so bad???

I truly dont have the answers. All I know is that of ALL my restarts, this one has been the hardest.

Prior to last week, I had been on plan for almost 7 weeks. With NO RESULTS. And that is a first for me. Honestly.

And it was a very hard pill to swallow.

But, I am loving Jo’s enthusiasm. Catrina’s dedication. Angie’s return. Kama’s progress. And countless other buddies who continue to inspire me even when I fail to inspire myself.

I havent given up. As much as I whine about it and dream about a life with no exercise, calorie counting, food journals, etc…I know this is not the life for me. I know this. I have spent enough time on this journey to know that these things, in some way, will define me for the REST of my existance. Plain and simple.

I was not graced with a good metabolism, skinny genes, whatever. I have/had two parents that are obese. Sister who has fought this fight. This is my life. And I will deal with it and accept it. But yeah, even I sometimes cry out at the unfairness of it all…

But anyway, I dont know EXACTLY what my game plan is, for I think I need to be somewhat flexible and let it play itself out…Catrina, I did ready your advice and am considering reviewing my protein.

But for now, for the immediate future, and by immediate, I mean today. (Why wait till tomorrow, right?)

Here is my plan:

I need a small break from counting calories. I have been doing it for YEARS. I can do it in my sleep. I very rarely even need books or the internet because I know how to figure calories quite accurately. Rarely these days am I suprised by a caloric count on an item. I need a change. I have done fat grams. I have done points. I have tried, with NO success Atkins. Slim Fast. Etc.

One thing I have NOT tried on this journey, is to simply eat healthy without any calculation.

Its a risk. But I am willing to try it. Short term.

So, here it is:

Exercise. This is a must for me. So for now, I am going to increase my workouts DAILY. For me, a FULL hour, no excuses, no leave earlies, etc…FIVE days minimum, per week.

Food Journal. Will still keep this. Will log my food and exercise, but I will NOT assign a point value or caloric value to it. I will simply list my food out.

Thats it, really. Its going to be VERY difficult. I am very much a creature of habit. Very much like my routines. I need the exercise. I need the food journal.

But I also need to be able to focus on one thing for now, and I have chosen to focus on exercise and resculpting my body again. It has changed alot int he last few years with the loss and regain of 10 pounds here and 10 pounds there.

I am going to try this for a few weeks…And then reaccess…If I feel no different, then I will start counting something, but most likely NOT calories. Maybe go back to weight watchers or try fiber and protein. I just dont know yet.

My body is telling me that SOMETHING I am doing right now is NOT working. And instead of wallowing in self pity, I MUST listen to my body and see if I can help it out…

Thanks everyone for all your advise and support. I will SOMEDAY be triumphant over this monster. I swear it!!!!

Thats right. I am having a big old giant whopping pity party…

Just for me!!

So. Its been a little over a week since I was last here…

Much has happened.

Monday the BF got news that after 15 years witht he Home Depot, he will be laid off in April.

Wednesday, TOM arrived with a hateful VENGENCE. I mean, CRAMPS, and the urge to eat anything and everything in site. It was a BAD one. Add in some adult acne, and well, I am sure I was a purty little thang!

Thursday my little sister flew in for a four day visit.

So Iknew I would be off kilter for the week. I didnt WANT to be, that is just how it ends up happening with me. No gym. Food journal goes to the wayside, and once again I take a break from my goals.

Normally, this wouldnt bother me. As a matter of fact, I am a big fan of taking breaks. I think it helps with long term success. But my breaks are just too darn frequent.

And today I sit here just. FRUSTRATED.

I went back to the gym on Monday. Went back to my journal on Monday, and all is okay. But NOT great.

I am frustrated with myself and my lack of progress. I didnt expect miracles. But I expected SOME noticeable changes after 7 weeks…And not only do I not notice ANYTHING. I feel fatter than ever.

Seriously.

Just uploaded pics from the weekend with my sis and I swear my face is fatter than ever. It looks gross. I look gross. And I am mad. I want to chuck everything and say FUCK IT. (Excuse my french!)

I am sooooooooooooooooo tired of it all.

I dont do anything for four months and maintain. I do things right for the first time in for months, and maintain. I dont get it.

I want to give up.

I want to starve myself.

I want to cut every inch of fat off my body.

I want to bury my head in a pint of chocolate ice cream and be done with it all.

Yep. Thats me there in the corner. Party of one…

I will take the steak, and you might as well deep fry it for me…