A journey of a thousand miles…

Lizards.

I am from Ohio, you see…We dont have Lizards in Ohio. I mean, we do, but they are kept behind cages and tanks, in pet stores, homes, or zoos. They dont run around all willy nilly like!

Apparently, here in Florida, you cant walk two inches without one shooting across your path.

When I was down here last June visiting, I found this cute. Quaint, even…I mean, I AM an animal lover…Right?

Right.

So, about one month ago, I go into my bedroom to turn in for the night, and there on my wall is a lizard. He was ten feet long if he was anything!! (Okay. That might be a SLIGHT exageration…but he didnt look so quaint up there on my wall)

So in comes the man of the house, right??

He is going to catch this beast for me. Thats what men do…

So the chase begins.

All the while I am watching from my perch on the bed, legs and feet tucked up tightly under me, JUST in case!

So he catches the darn thing. For a mili second. He apparently caught him by the tail, and as I watched in absolute horror, this little thing dropped to the ground, with his tail STILL in Brian’s hand. WIGGLELING!!! It was STILL MOVING PEOPLE!!!! I screamed soooo loud. It was the grossest thing I had ever seen…

Now, to go back just a moment, this thing got into my house because my bedroom window is currently missing a screen. No big deal. We popped the window back open and assumed the damn thing would eventually find its way back out…

Ummm. NO…

A few weeks later, I return to the scene of the crime…And sure enough, the thing is hanging out on my closet door. How do I know it was OUR lizard? He had a little stump where his tail should have been.

The man is called. The chase begins. Again.

Again, his efforts are futile. (Have you seen these things move?? Like liquid lightening…)

Into my closet it goes. Great I think. ONe day I will be putting on a shirt and a dead lizard will fall out.

Now, I dont know how long a lizard can live inside, but I am assuming this thing has GOT to be hungry. I mean, I am sure we have bugs, but, enough to live on??

So, I resign myself to the fact that I am just gonna have to share my bedroom with this thing untill it dies. As long as it does not crawl on me, I think I am okay. Right?

Sure.

So, a few more weeks go by…I am CERTAIN that this thing is dead by now, or has left via the often left open window…

That brings me to today.

I decided to be productive, right? Gonna clean my kitchen right nicely…

Go to wipe down the counters, move the cannisters on my counter, and see something moving out of the corner of my eye…

WHAT THE?!?!?!

NO…

IT CANT BE!!!!

OMG…IT ISSSSS!!

I look at him.

He looks at me.

And I think something passed between us…

I appreciated his dedication to his cause. His will to survive. His stub had grown longer…But still not a full tail…

I wanted to catch him if ONLY to let the poor thing loose outside…

But after a breif nod, a quick HELLO THERE LITTLE LIZARD, he scurried off behind the stove.

I have named him Lou…

Ugh. Last night really sucked.

Not diet wise. But life wise.

WARNING: This blog contains ExHusband Rants and Mother Rants and has very little to do with weight.

My ex and I officiall separated in August of 2007. Since then, I have done everything in my power to make our separation and subsequent divorce cordial. I have tried like crazy to retain a freindship between us. It has been hard. Let me tell you. One of the hardest things I have EVER done, and let me tell you. I have had some difficult times in my life…

I think I have now come to the conclusion it simply cant be done.

Last night I found out he DELIBERATELY did something to upset me. He did it knowing I would be upset. How do I know this? Because when I DID find out, I called him. His very first response? “I knew you would be upset…”

If you knew, then WHY would you do it? This man confesses to still care about me. More than once he has mentioned his hope we will get back together. Yet, last night, in the course of a nasty phone call, he called me CRAZY. My family CRAZY and told me I was acting like my father. (Thats a jab in itself) I was soooo disappointed when I hung up. I couldnt beleive, even as a friend, saying things like that to someone. Deliberately pushing their buttons to the point of tears.

So we hang up not so pleasantly, and I call my mom. I was sad. I just wanted my mommy.

My mother and Iused to be close. My mother has suffered from depression, anxiety, and bi polar disorder her ENTIRE life. I thought if anyone could understand, it would be her.

I am having a VERY hard time adjusting to my new life in Florida. Period. And I just wanted to cry.

My mothers first response? “What did you do to that poor man now Dawn?” Did I fail to mention that my family adores my ex husband? That MOST of them think I made the biggest mistake of my life?? That I THINK they would pefer HIM to me??

But thats what the ex is good at. Putting on this super sweet guy act in front of everyone. He HATES being the bad guy. Very VERY few people ever saw the man he really was. The man that eventually made me want to leave. And for the most part, I have played along. I have taken MOST of the blame for our marriage. I took the greatest loss as far as belongings, house, etc…I received a 20k dollar settlement and turned it right back around and paid OUR debt. I have, I feel, gone above and beyond…

So mom contiues to bitch. I say “I have no one to talk to down here” (Now, keep in mind, I am down. I am depressed.) Her repsonse? “Well, Dawn, You knew that going down there”. Ummm. Yes. Thats what you want to hear.

So mom and I fight. It ends HORRIBLY.

Now, mind you. I am NORMALLY a strong person. I have relied VERY little on my mother in the last five years of my life. WHY? Because in 2003 my mom had a complete mental breakdown for OVER TWO YEARS, she was a walking zombie. So strung out on morphine she couldnt even function. In and out of hospitals. Guess who was there for her??? ME. ONLY ME. My sister was in Japan. I took her to the doctors. Bought her groceries. Payed her bills. This is what you do…

She told me last night she cant relate to me any more and hasnt been able to in years. Great. Thank you for adding to my already shitty night mom. Thats what EVERY daughter wants to hear…

So, finally, I call my older sister. And she answered. And she talked me through it all. And even though my sis and I have a very sister relationship. Meaning we love and hate each other simultaneously sometimes, last night she completely and utterly stepped to the plate. We talked for over an hour. She helped me more than she will EVER know…

So today I awake sad. Just sad. Because I know that in order for me to move on, and settle into my new life here in Florida, I need to cut loose ALL my ties to my ex husband. Which is hard, because we still have shared debt. A house we need to sell, and pets I love…

But I know I need to. For me. For Brian.

Brian.

Did I mention I have one of the greatest boyfriends in the world? Seriously. He has tolerated ALL of this. Every little thing I talk to him about openly and honestly. I withold nothing from him. And he loves me no matter how many faults I inform him I have.

If there is a man on earth who deserves my love, its him.

Yet, I feel in order to completely give myself to him, I need to completely let go of my old life in Ohio.

And I have no idea how to do that…

Ugh.

Sorry for the very long vent. Thanks for listeing.

Oh, I ended up eating at eight p.m. last night due to all this drama. UGH. Still finished the day under 1300 calories, but still…NOT about to let this kind of drama to keep me from my goal…

Beauty.

It is a funny thing.

We are all, in some way, judged by our level of beauty, as seen by someone else.

True. People have different visions of what they personally find appealing. Blue eyes vs. brown. Fat vs. thin. Red head vs. brunette.

But, a pretty person is a pretty person. Period. And I would wager that MOST cultures would recognize that person as such, with a few, small exceptions of course.

I saw a special once where they did a study of facial features, and it was discovered that there was actually a formula for the face as to how attractive you are considered!

For instance, the width of your eyes, nose, mouth, etc. It was fascinating. They did the study in different countries and cultures, and almost everyone labeled the pictures the same, from the most attractive to the least attractive.

Now that is something, eh?

Two separate, but equally compelling things happened to me today to provoke this blog. Two different case studies on what is beauty. I will try to now share my thoughts with you.

I belong to several “On-line” communities. I try hard to be an active member of any one I join. Through these sites I have met NUMEROUS people. Men and women. I have never, knock on wood, had a bad “on line” experience. THANK GOD. And I am proud to say some I have met only through the internet have gone on to become crucial parts of my life.

So, on another site I frequent, I came across a young person. He/She emailed me. We became acquaintances. He/She was not a wholly active member of the site, but was definitely noticed. Can you guess why???

Correct.

Because of this persons look. They posted pics of themselves as their avatar. EVERYONE loved them. I mean, lets be honest, I was pretty honored myself. I was like WOW. One of the pretty people wants to be my friend. They think I have something important to contribute. You know??

So, time passes, an email here or there. A comment on a post. Etc.

Finally, I meet this person face to face.

Perhaps I went into it expecting pretty people sparks and fire works. There were none. This person was certainly pleasant. And yes, easy on the eye, and after a few exchanged pleasantries, I was like, okay. What was the big deal??

I couldn’t find one.

Our paths crossed again, and this time I truly looked. Deep inside this person to see what it is everyone thought was soooo awesome about them. For you must understand EVERYONE I had met who was a mutual acquaintance said OH. YOU WILL LOVE HIM/HER. THEY ARE SOOOO GREAT!

So, I guess I was expecting greatness.

What I got was an ordinary person. Sure. On the outside, a very cute, pretty, petite package. But inside? While interesting to meet, not someone I could sit down with over coffee and just chat the night away. There was something missing. We just didn’t click. And I am not sure why. And I was actually shocked and disappointed.

Give me my money back. This person is NOT as awesome as I was led to believe!

What pisses me off, is that others remain fooled by it. Simply because of the package.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I get it.

No one wants to stare at a 300 pound person, if there is a fit attractive 125 pound person to look at. I get it. I myself, am not above falling for the trap of beauty.

Beauty attracts people. Period. I know this.

But why, I wonder, do we ignore other things from a person, just because they look good? Why do we excuse so many things? Why are we so quick to elevate even the most mundane talents in a pretty person??

WOW. LOOKY THERE!!! THEY BREATHE! HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT. (I bet they can tie their shoes too!)

And why do we even try to measure ourselves against?

This person might have looked better than me on the outside. And maybe I am not being fair to this person after just two short meetings, but I can sit here and confidently say I am a much more beautiful person.

Then came the discussion on another site of racy avatars. My beer site. It’s heavily laden with testosterone. Craft beer is just not a huge female hobby. (Although there are several of us on the site) We are sadly outnumbered by the males. And what do some males use as avatars? Pictures of super skinny, fake boob baring, bleach blond bimbos.

Now the discussion was pretty intense with mostly men debating if those images were appropriate. If they were tasteless. If they objectified woman. I stayed out of that…(And you will be happy to note, several men WERE upset about the avatars…)

But I did pop in with this.

I am not offended by those images. Nor do I really care what image ANY adult uses on an ADULT beer site. HOWEVER. I am disappointed…

Because I believe that we, as women, do not need one more little jab to our egos, our self esteem, saying HEY. YOU ONLY MATTER IF YOU LOOK LIKE THIS HOT LADY IN MY AVATAR.

Now. How many of us have in our lives. In our circle of friends and family, these people?? I can tell you, I do not. And that’s no offense to my lovely friends and family. Sure, I have cute. Sexy. Thin friends. Heck, my younger sister is a hottie! But none of them are “Playboy bunny” hot. You know?

Those people, if they do exist, they exist in very small numbers, and the real ones, even smaller. An all natural beauty is rare. At least in my life experiences.

We are raising a generation of women that think they must alter their body to fit the images reflected in those avatars. And THAT makes me sad.

Now. A smart woman knows there is sooooooooooooooo much more to it than that. A smart woman knows that beauty is about Intelligence. Confidence. Attitude. And humor. But it takes YEARS to build that knowledge. And sadly, many women NEVER learn that.

Readers, I have been overweight for most of my life. And it took me most of my life to learn I was much more than the package I was put into.

And that is the reason behind this blog.

How many more young people do we need to lose to surgery. Eating disorders. Mental disorders. All in the name of SOCIETIES standards of beauty??

Isn’t that, in some way, why we are all here???

Sure, we all want to be healthy. Play with our pets. Our kids. But lets be honest. We want to look good too. And not just to ourselves, but to those around us too…

And it just makes me so sad that ALL of us, myself included, have fallen into the trap that is BEAUTY.

And I continue to regret it. Every time I do…

A beautiful package does NOT always make a beautiful person.

Just a quick one today to alert some of you to a nice little place we have in the forums.

Under WEIGHT LOSS SUPPORT…

Its GOAL oriented support.

No weigh ins. No roster. Just come on out and post your daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly goals.

This puts them in writting to help you see them and reach them.

We wont beat you over the head if you fall short, but we will help support you!

We are a small group, branching off the Last Chance of 2008 group!!

Goals can be weight loss or just life related!

Come on out and join us!!!!

You can laugh and scoff all you want to. But I swear it to be true…

Sometime around the week of December 1st, Aliens snuck into my home, I am sure at night, and abducted the girl formerly known as Dawn, and replaced her with a being I havent seen in months…

Hell…A year and a half to be honest!

This being is different. New.

Now, you may be asking yourself “What IS she babbling about now?”

So, dear reader, I shall tell you…

Yesterday, for the first time in over a month, I gave myself a “Free Day”. Some call this a “Cheat Day”. “Day Off”. Whatever name you call it, I gave it to myself.

A full day of eating whatever I wanted. No workout. No logging. NOthing.

Most people do agree you need to do this from time to time to shock your system. I have always done it to give my mind a break and to help me not feel deprived. These days have become crucial to my time spent on this journey…

So yesterday, we headed to a Scotish Festival of sorts. Scotish Highland Games. I was gonna go nuts. French fries. Corn dogs. Gyros.

The world was my oyster…

Well, I actually started of slow…I got the gyro, took a few bites. And it just didnt taste well to me.

Then I helped the BF’s six year old finish his hot dog. It was okay. I ate it. But I didnt enjoy it.

At first I thought it was them. Maybe something was wrong with the food. Tried the fries. Eh…Stopped…

Tried some ice cream. It was okay. Gave most of it away.

By late afternoon, I was actually still hungry because I hadnt really finished any of the things I tried nor enjoyed them. SO we went for one of my biggest treats. ONe of my BIGGEST weaknesses. BUFFALO WINGS.

I ate them. They were all right.

I think at this point I was getting soooo frustrated that my FREE DAY was not quite as joyous as I had hoped for, that I was willing to shove anything in my mouth to try to obtain that feeling of euphoria food usually gives me…

I was left defeated. No euhporia found me yesterday…

I ended the night with a beer gathering at a local bar, with the inevitable trip through a fast food resteraunt on the way home. This one I shoved in fast and quick. I cant even tell you that last time I had a Whopper. Maybe ten years ago. Last night I did indeed have one. And it tasted like cardboard…

Was it me?

How could this FREE day have gone so horribly wrong…

I came home, went to bed, and woke this morning with the answer.

I didnt WANT the cheat day. I didnt NEED it!

Therefore, the Alien inside of me rebelled. The Alien who has been keeping me motivated and determined for the last month fought back yesterday!

Today, I did not wake feeling Guilty. Not at all. FOr I had freely given myself this day, and indeed, earned it. So I wasnt feeling guilt. I was feeling, maybe Sluggish? Disappointed?

The processed crap I ate yesterday just laid in my stomach all day…It made me feel, UN CLEAN. Non of it tasted good. Non of it made me feel good. And as a matter of fact, was a complete and utter waste of a day…

So I lay here this morning ready to apease my alien. To go to the gym. To not eat at ALL today until my body tells me its hungry. To log what I do decide to eat. And to resolve NOT to give myself another cheat day until I feel I absolutely must do so…

For reasons still unknown to me, the ALien wants me to be soooo successful this year, that I do beleive it removed all of my food/pleasure sensors for me…

So to this I say THANK YOU!!!

I dont know who sent you to abduct me, but I am ever so glad to have you here, residing inside my body…

So I am certain this blog will probably piss off someone, and for that, I do slightly apologize. But its been churning in my head all day and I gotta get it out!!

So, I am kind of frustrated….

And honestly, I dont even know if I have a right to be…

So, first observation. Complaint. Frustration.

*Those girls in the lunch room playing at dieting.

Dont get me wrong. I have stumbled 1000 times along the way of this journey. And true, I have no idea what is really going on with these girls. But they appear in every job I have had.

Those girls who are ALWAYS on a diet when asked. Yet, look like they never lose any weight. I guess, what frustrates me, is they will sit at lunch. Eating their Lean Cuisines. Or their bland little salads. Then on the way out of the lunch room, grab a cheese cake or a muffin.

Every day they play at dieting. And every day they talk about what they did last night or ate, and I can tell you. It is not a healthy lifestyle.

I think it annoys me because they will look at my plate, which has REAL food. Baked Chicken. Veggies. And they will say “I thought you were dieting?” And I want to screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam.

ONE. I am NOT dieting. This is the way I live my life.

TWO. My baked chicken and side of veggies is EVERY bit as healthy as your Sodium ladden Lean Cuisine meal.

Trust me. I am an OVER educated dieter.

These are the same people that will go out to dinner and order a grilled chicken ceasar salad. One of the WORST salads you can consume. But hey, its a salad, right? It MUST be healthy…Umm. NO. Then, when I order a SMALL plain hamburger, they run their mouths. Again, I know how many calories I am consuming, and I know what is a healthy choice and what isnt.

Now. I am VERY open to new information and helpful suggestions. And I too eat Lean Cuisines. But, I am going for an all over life style make over here. Not a diet to lose ten pounds. I dont want to look good in my wedding dress. I am not doing this to get back at an ex boyfriend. I am not doing this to be part of the “girls club” at work.

I am doing this FOR ME. So that I can live a long and healthy life and feel good doing it.

I got a lot of stuff left to do on my list. You know what I mean??

So, anyway, I guess sometimes I just want to shake these girls and say WOULD YOU GET SERIOUS or just stop pretending????

I CAN honestly say that until 2004 when I did decide to lose weight I was NEVER one of those people who dieted on and off. Actually, I had never seriously tried until 04 when I did Weight Watchers, and maybe thats why I have no patience for them. I didnt pretend. I just got fat and let myself get fat. And then when I got scared and fed up, I actively changed.

Second observation:

*I HATE the physics of this journey.

This is what I mean by that statement. As previously mentioned, from about Mid September till Mid December I did NOTHING towards my journey. I was stressed. Moving. Looking for a job. Etc. I ate whatever I wanted and I did NOT exercise. Somehow or other, I managed to not lose or gain ANYTHING for three months.

How, I have NO IDEA.

So, basic math. Physics. Whatever you want to call it would say that as soon as I did start SOMETHING, the weight would come off, right?? Isnt that how it works??

I have been back on plan for a month now. True. Not 100 percent, but pretty darn close…I am running at about 85%.

I have a job which in itself is movement I did not have before.

I stay at or around 1300 calories CONSISTENTLY.

And I am working out 4-5 days a week. HARD.

Now, one of those things, I think, would add success.

All of them combined are SURE to equal a loss right??? How could it not??

Now, my little disclamer. I really have no idea if I have lost or not, because I am on a scale hiatus till next week. The scale is a sabatoger to me and I would prefer to not see it right now. For if it DOESNT show a loss, I know I will be sorely tempted to throw up my hands in defeat.

So it IS possible I have lost.

But I dont FEEL it.

My clothes feel the same. I look the same. I am sure I am as fat as ever. And I dont understand how I could be. Honest.

How could doing these things for ONE MONTH after not doing them for THREE MONTHS not lead to some weight loss???

This is one of the most frustrating journeys I have EVER been on in my life…

GOOD GRIEF!!!!

“I’ll be forever blue
that you give me no reason
you know you’re making me work so hard” ~Erasure 

I am in love. 

Absolutely, head over heals, in love… 

For the first time in years… 

Perhaps, forever. 

I have found my missing half… 

I can’t get him off my mind. 

I think about him constantly. Anticipating our next adventure. Wondering what he will have in store for me.  

I have not felt this kind of excitement in so long that it’s hard for me to even grasp. Truly. 

I have felt so helpless for most of 2007 and all of 2008. Didn’t think I would ever find my soul mate. But for reasons still unknown to me. 

I have found THE ONE… 

And he is GYM…Or more specifically. THE Gym. 

I know. I know. You are tired of hearing about it, but I just can’t help it. 

I am in love with my gym. 

I can not believe that just seven weeks ago, I posted in one of the forums how scared I was to try a new gym. I ALMOST didn’t do it. 

DAMN IT. I am soooo glad I faced that fear head on… 

I walk through my gym now like I belong…Even if I don’t look like I do.  

True. It’s full to brimming of the pretty boys and gals… 

True, I am PROBABLY one of the bigger gals that go there. 

But surprisingly, I simply don’t care. 

Every day I go.  

Every day I work HARD. I sweat.  

Every day I try a new piece of equipment or expand my time on a newer piece. 

They even have a “Women’s Only” gym upstairs… 

I went once and never returned. It was boring. Felt like they were hiding us away. I wanted to be amongst the pretty people…You know why? 

Because I belong there too… 

I too am a pretty person… 

I have been working out for over five years now. Pretty faithfully I might add. And yes, it did help me lose my weight. But I was sooo limited in my choices at my old gym. I had no idea. 

Now I have so many choices I literally can’t wait to get to the gym every night… 

It’s such a strange feeling. 

I have never minded working out, but have never loved it either. 

Now, I can almost say I enjoy it. Now, I feel horribly guilty and somewhat depressed if I cant get there. I am so very excited. 

I am soooo ready to make this my year… 

I have stated it on the forums, and I will state it here. 

My motto for 2009 is this:

 ROCKIN MYSELF TO A SIZE 9 IN 2009!!! WOOT!!! 

Buddies…I am telling you…YOU CAN DO THIS. WE CAN DO THIS. 

I was stalled for a long time for many reasons… 

But I KEPT trying… 

Keep trying buddies. DON’T EVER GIVE UP. EVER. 

And TRY NEW THINGS. 

Eventually, it will work…We can achieve these goals we have all set… 

Its only the second week of January…We have the WHOLE year ahead of us to change our lives!!!!

Thats right…

Call the cops. I did it. I am stalker…

If I could get certified in it, I would…

I have become quite good at it…

I blame my genes…Lol…I have ALWAYS loved to people watch. I find human behavior fascinating…And I could spend hours sitting back and observing. I have been tested several times in the work place as to my “Personality” and always the results come back as an “Analytical Observer…” or a “Thinker”…

I have horned this skill.

I watch.

I listen. TRULY listen. To what people say and more importantly, what they DONT say…

I have been told I am easy to talk to.

I have been told I FORCE peole to open up and talk…I love that one…

Yep, thats me, there with the giant ball bat, forcing you to open your mouth and speak. If not, fifty wacks with the bat. Period. Dont sass me. Just speak!

I also looooove knowledge. Research. Whatever you want to call it.

I also have OCD. What this means is…If there is ANYTHING I have an interest in, I become OBSESSED with it. I read about it. Learn about. I scour the net in research. I drain ALL of the info, and sometimes the joy, out of it, until I am satisfied.

At this point, I usually become bored…

Boredom is the little red devil sitting on my shoulder.

Boredom has caused me to make more than one horrible decision in my life.

I am just one of those people that have one of those minds that MUST be occupied to over flowing, or I get distracted and bored…

Personal. And in my proffesional life. BOREDOM = DEATH to me. I both love that and hate that about myself.

Okay.

Back to stalking…

All of these traits. Quirks of mine. Have led me to become a pretty good stalker…(And in case there IS a cop out there reading this blog, please calm down…I am not THAT kind of stalker!!!)

Here is the gold…My confession…

I HAVE BEEN STALKING MY GYM EQUIPMENT!!!!

OMG. Its ever so true!!!

A creature of habit I am, and its soooo freakin hard to get me to do things…Stubborn as a mule…Or, hey, a BULL…(I am a taurus!!)

So. If you follow my journey, then you know about 5 weeks ago I joined my first REAL gym after 10 years of using a fitness center at my condo…I loved my little fitness center and as far as fitness centers in condos go, it was pretty nice.

But can I just say…

I LOVE MY GYM!!! MY REAL, BIG KID, GYM!!! (Insert a shout out to GOLDS GYM here!) The facility I go to is TOP NOTCH. And really, I dont miss the 40 bucks a month I pay.

So. I go 5 days a week, for about 50 minutes to an hour and a half depending on the body part I am working that day.

Since day one, I have been stalking.

I get on the machines I KNOW. The beloved Elliptical and the Treadmill.

And the ENTIRE time I am on them, I am scoping out the other machines. I STALK THEM. I watch their EVERY MOVE. I think on them. Contemplate about them. OBSESS about them.

I EVER so carefully choose my next victim…

Will it be the fancy bike in the front row with the groovy computer screen that simulates mountains?

Will it be the Tony Little like Gazelle machine behind me?

Perhaps today it will be the stair climber that actually looks like a set of STAIRS!!! (Truly, a mini escalator…How very cool is that??)

You see…

I feel like a freakin kid in a candy store…And, well, I kind of am!!

Oh, wait, what I am, is a fat girl in a gym!!! A REAL gym. With EVERY bit of new technology in front of me…And I am USING it for the first time on this journey…I have broken out of my routine…

Last week it was the TREAD CLIMBER by Nautilus. Now. If you know NOT what that is. Let me tell you. It was surely invented by Satan himself. And yes, I am certain a man invented it…

Its like a treadmill on steroids. Two individual belts. One for each foot, and it goes up and down WHILE walking…

Now, I had stalked this machine for WEEKS. Watched its every move. “Whats the big deal?” I said to myself…So its a funky treadmill…Who cares…Why the fuss Gus???

It burns TWICE the calories as a regular treadmill? Sure. Whatever!

So, I mosey on over last week. Set the timer for 20 minutes. I mean, I can do an hour on the treadmill. 20 minutes should be NOTHING on this silly machine…

Yeah. Ummm. Sure…You go with your badself Dawn…

And just like that…The stalker becomes the stalkee!!!

Apparently, he had been watching me too!!!! And he had my number big time…I think he said to his other mechanical buddies…”Hey, watch what I do to the fat girl…” LOL…

I made it all of about 3.44 minutes…Before I could feel every muscle in my leg burning. Ripping away from my leg bones I was certain!!

That damn machine SUCKED…(In a good kinda way!)

I put it on my list to be conquered…I will come back for you my dear. And I WILL do my 20 minutes by the end of it all…

Then a few days later it was the Gazelle like machine…Eh. It was okay. Didnt feel too hard for me…That one did NOT take me down…

Then yesterday it was a weird funky no name machine that was a Stride Maker or some sillness. It burned a heck of a lot of calories. I did ten minutes…

Then I noticed yet another new row of equipment…called the WAVE…Its like a stepper, but it goes side to side…

It looks brutal…

As a matter of fact, I watched it claim several victims yesterday at teh gym…Smiling to myself the whole time…Wondering if somewhere behind the scenes do the gym staff place bets on the victims of these machines?? If so, I am sure I was high on the list…

Well…I put the WAVE on my list today…So place your bets!

Ultimately, what I am saying here folks…For some of you who may be a little slow…Is that sometimes Stalking is a GOOD thing…

If you dont want to jump right into something new. Thats okay…

Take some time to watch. Observe. But then TRY it. AT LEAST TRY.

Dont do what you have ALWAYS done, or you will get what you have always GOTTEN. (Is gotten a word?)

I have been on this weight loss journey for FIVE LONG YEARS. And have lost a lot of weight. And regained some too…

I am continually looking to improve my success rate. Sometimes I fail. But sometimes I succeed. And that keeps me going…

So, if you need to stalk, please do!! (Seriously, I dont think the cops mind!)

And if you are sitting there. With your head and your hands. Depressed. Sad. Wondering how it is you are supposed to start this journey, I say to you; “GET MOVING!!!”

Just get your ass off the couch, and away from the computer and MOVE. Walking is one of the BEST forms of exercise in the WORLD and guess what?? ITS FREE!!!!!

You dont have to join a gym…But I do HIGHLY recommend it…You can stalk to your hearts content…I have yet to be arrested! Its awesome!

So stop reading this blog and go stalking a bit yourself!!!!

Happy stalking all!!!!

When chaos flows around you. And you feel adrift…

Theres not a whole lot you can do…

There are sooooooooooooo many things in this world beyond our control…We know this. Economics right now SUCKS…I dont know anyone currently rolling in the dough. Even those who “Planned”. Jobs come and go, not always by our choice. Relationships come and go. Health. Illness. Death…

Uncontrollables…

Currently, I feel VERY chaotic…

Really, I have felt that way for a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time. I thought moving out of state would bring me PEACE…Help me to recover and rediscover MYSELF…

Instead, I WILLING threw myself into MORE chaos…

Silly girl…

I started a new job this week. And its a doooooozy…And I hate it…So far…But I have to work…

So nothing seems to be going well AROUND me…

With the exception of one thing…

My weight loss efforts…

This is ONE thing that I have COMPLETE control over…

You can blame genetics. Mom. Dad. Great Grandma Jean. You can blame McDonalds. You can blame your sore leg. You can blame your dog.

But really, YOU can control what goes IN your body. And what you DO with that body. Period.

Dont get me wrong. I understand the excuses. I have made them a thousand times myself. But I have NEVER blamed anyone else for my fat, but me. I got me here. I will get me outta here.

So, for some reason…

Admist all this personal chaos…

I have found ONE thing to cling too.

I take that back…TWO THINGS.

My gym. And my food journal.

And I am doing WELL.

Better than I have done in at least four months.

Every day has been 1300 calories or less. I am hitting the gym 6 days a week, and working HARD. No more half assed work outs. I am logging EVERY thing I eat. And every thing I do at the gym.

This is the MOST consistent I have been in MONTHS.

Have I lost weight?

I have no freakin clue. I refuse to weigh in until I have been back on track for a few more weeks. For the scale makes me INSANE, and ALWAYS makes me want to give up. So I took it out of the equation.

I am doing what I need to be doing, and I know EVENTUALLY the scale will agree…

But I feel GREAT.

Even if I havent lost ANYTHING I feel great.

Proud of mysle for sticking to this again.

Envisioning myself in my size 9’s next fall.

I can see them. Really. I know I can do this. I know this is my year.

Its gonna take a while. One pound at a time. But I can do it. And you can TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been around buddyslim for a couple of years now…

Long enough to see many buddies come, and go, and come back again…

Some leave never to return…

Some return again and again…

Some buddies I met here became instant “soul mates”. People I connected to like no others. Cyberville is like that sometimes…I had one buddy here who I adored. We spoke almost daily. Off site. I just really liked her…

She hasnt logged in since early last year and I have no idea what she is up to now…

Throughout my years here, I have seen leaders come and go. And by leaders, I mean those members who come in strong. Like a breath of fresh air. They seem to breathe life and motivation into everyone around them. They inspire. They lift up. They fall, and get back up. Some do it by blogging daily for all of us to read. Some hang out in the forums. Some become great challenge leaders. Yep, I have seen many…

They come, and sadly, they go…

And while I have always read, and followed their successes, in hopes of catching a bit of their success, its been quite a while since a leader has really inspired me. And not because they havent been inspiring…Its because I was not yet ready to be inspired.

See. THAT my friends, is the number one rule of this journey that I have learned. Aint nothing going to happen to you unless you are ready. And there is no magic pill to make you ready. You either are or you arent. And if you arent, you will not be successful no matter how many times you go through the motions…You simply must decide now is your time, and you simply go for it. You must be open and honest with yourself and others. You must make some sacrafices. Period. Whether it be time in the form of exercise. Time away from friends and family. Or in the form of food.

YES. You will have to give up some foods on this journey. Period.

YES. You will eventually have to exercise on this journey. Period.

You can NOT have your cake and eat it too. And if you dont get that. Or arent ready to do that, then you simply arent ready to be here. Period.

Now. With all that said, in the years I have been on this journey, I have had great success, and great failure. I have lost, and gaine, and lost, and gained. My story is like many others. But I have not given up in the five years I have been doing this.

I decided in January of 2004 to lose weight for the first time in my life…And I have never ever let go of that desire. FIVE years its has taken me to learn the lessons I have learned…

At the most, I have lost 64 pounds…At the most, I have regained 25 pounds. On again, off again…

But I have never ever given up. Even when I have appeared to be off the wagon, I havent really been.

Fitness. Food. Weight loss has become such a part of my life, I can no longer separate myself from it. It is me. All of it. And it will always be. I will always always fight this battle for the rest of my life. I know this.

So here I am. January of 2009. Five years into this life changing journey. And boy o boy, has it been!!!!

Deciding to lose weight was the greatest gift I gave myself. And I am ready to, once again, continue the gift giving…I am ready for 2009 to be a year of great success for me…

So…Back to this leaders board…

I dont think its any surprise that one of our biggest success stories. Leaders. Cheerleader. Whatever you want to call her is Miss Nancy. Now. I dont know Nancy like some of you know her.

I read her from afar. We chit chat through forums or blogs. But I dont KNOW her. Only what she has allowed me to know through her words. But I read her blogs for inspiration. HOping SOMETHING will click with me.

And finally…After months of reading…Something did…

Yesterday, I read these words:  “From size 18 to size 5.  If I can do it…. YOU CAN TOO!!”

And it happened. It clicked.

Simple sentence. She probably has no idea how that sentence affected one person. Most of the time, we blog to help ourselves, not really understanding how our words affect others…

I read that sentence over and over.

I thought about it.

Went to the gym and focused on it.

And I thought to myself…”YES. I CAN DO IT!!”

I am a size 16. Truly. My ultimate goal is a size 9. Why?

Well, breifly, I will tell you. I read a book once that your true body shape and size is the weight and size you were around your 18/19th year. Well. I was a size 9. And I looked damn good. So a size 9 is my ULTIMATE goal…

All this time, I have been thinking I will get there EVENTUALLY…Some day…

Well, suddenly, yesterday, I was thinking, WHY NOT NOW?

Its FOUR sizes. FOUR sizes away…Thats NOTHING really.

I can do that in 2009.

Nancy did it. She doesnt have super powers. She is not some magical being from another planet. She is a woman. Just like me. With lifes ups and downs. Just like me.

You see. Nancy IS just like us. The difference is, she is DOING what we all WANT to do. What we are TRYING to do.

So thank you Nancy. For putting a fire under my ass yesterday. For allowing me to FINALLY see that YES. I CAN DO THIS.

I hope that next year, I will be sitting here writting MY new years blog and saying, “From a size 16 to a 9″…

And I hope I will somehow pass the torch onto the next buddy out there. Struggling…