Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

…Fire starter!

When you were a child, did you ever spin around as fast as you could? Arms outstretched? Faster and faster? Until everything around you became a blur? Then you would fall to the ground and lay there and watch the would spin…You would try to get up, thinking it would be so simple, but your equilibrium was off, and you would falter, stumble, and even fall…Putting one foot in front of the other suddenly became the hardest job EVER. Until your senses came back…

When you are eight years old, this is fun…

When you are 36, and stuck in a cycle of your own making, it kinda sucks.

This is me. Today.

There are moments I look at myself in a complete moment of clarity, and I hate what I see. What I allowed to happen…

There are other moments, when I look wayyyy back, and I think, “Okay. Okay. Its not THAT bad…”

My last real significant weight loss came in the Spring of 2007…When I reached my lowest weight…

Since then, its been creeping on one pound at a time. And I have allowed it. Hell, I guess I kind of laid down a welcome mat and said COME ON IN FAT. Why don’t you just rest yourself right there on my stomach??

And it pisses me off…

I wont bore you with the reasons. There are blogs talking about them. You all know them. Hell, you could probably tell them back to me better than I can.

But I think what I have most recently noted, and what is a HUGE shock to me, is how much this current re-gain has affected my confidence…

Confidence. A strange thing.

I never put much thought into confidence growing up. I know that sounds weird, but it was never on my radar. I was raised by a single mom to be a strong, honest, good person. And I am.

If that was confidence, I didn’t know it. I had no name for it. I just knew inside what I would and would not tolerate in my life. Even at a very early age. As a matter of fact, I went through boyfriend after boyfriend, some pretty serious ones too, because I KNEW they were not good enough for me.

My weight, while always on my radar, NEVER affected my confidence. Or my life, for that matter.

I had boyfriends in high school. Friends who liked me. No one seemed bothered by my weight. and therefore, I never bothered much with it, nor did it mean I had or didn’t have confidence. I didn’t have oodles of self esteem issues either. Another trait I attribute to my mother.

At a young age, I felt fairly well adjusted to myself and my life. I knew what I wanted. Where I wanted to go. And I just did it. It is this stubbornness if you will that took me from waiting tables for ten years to the corporate world I now love and hate.

I was 20 when I met my ex husband Steve. I was also a cute plus size gal. A size 14. Never seemed to bother him. I was, and am, a very cute girl.

That is not cockiness. Nor confidence, really, it just is.

I can look at pics and say, well, for a fat girl, you sure are cute!!! Great eyes (thanks mom!), a cute nose, a great smile, pretty teeth…Yep. I see that too…

When I look at myself I see a cute girl. A fun girl. And in some rare moments, a beautiful girl…And in my heart of hearts, I know if I got down to my goal weight, I would be stunning…

NOT because of my looks, necessarily, but because the outside would FINALLY match who I already am on the inside. A good, fun, smart, sexy, charming, gal. BEAUTIFUL…Inside, and out.

But I digress a bit…

This blog isn’t about confidence of looks. Its about confidence in life.

You see, the significant portion of my weight loss came in the Fall of 2006. I lost about 35 pounds in three months. I had been on my journey for two years already, but it is that time period where the inner me met the outer me, and the two emerged into a confident, beautiful, young woman.

And suddenly, I had confidence I never even knew I lacked…

I took charge of things. My life. My job. My body.

I had fun. Took chances. Made decisions and felt proud of them.

I made sooooo many new friends that year. Did soooo many new things.

Day after day, week after week, I crossed things off my list. Things I had always wanted to do but was never brave enough to do…

I was a rockstar…

That Fall and Winter I had people flocking to me like moths to a light. When I asked about this, they all replied, “You exude confidence”. This amazed me. This was new to me. For I had no idea what it all meant. But I liked it.

And mind you, I was still fat. By all records, even still obese, but I was on my way to a thinner happier self. And it showed.

But, like all flames do, mine burned out…Slowly sputtering month after month.

It took a while…But, as I went into 2008, I was making grand, life changing decisions, that in retrospect, I probably had NO RIGHT to be making…

And on and on the flame grew dimmer…

Until now, its so dark, I can barely see. My confidence in myself and my decision making are at an all time low.

And I hate it.

I question ever decision I make, and then I will re question it.

And I hate it.

This is NOT me.

This is NOT who I want to be.

I HATE THIS GIRL. She is weak. She is scared. And she is a shell of her former self.

This girl is afraid to get on the scale. This girl is afraid to go to the gym. This girl is afraid to go outside for fear people will say HEY, WHOSE THE FAT GIRL…

This girl sits here. With fire in her soul, and a flame in her heart, but she is sooo afraid. She cant remember how to make the spark.

This girl sits here, in a new town, in a new state, wondering how on earth she is to begin this grand new life she had planned for herself???

She wants it. She knows she does. She hates EVERYTHING about this girl. She wants the old girl back. The one PRIOR to weight loss who was oblivious to the weight that burdened her. And she wants the POST weight loss girl back. Who showed her how truly lovely life can be when you are living it to your fullest. Enjoying EVERY BREATH. I want BOTH of them back…

But I have no idea where they went, or how to go about finding them.