Roll on, rollercoaster…
I listened to “Roll On” by Kid Rock this morning. I must confess, I have had a secret crush on him for years…Him and his stringy hair are just somehow, a little bit hot!!
Shhhhhh…Dont tell him! LOL…
I have always enjoyed his music too. This song, in particular, fits me currently and my mood.
So here I sit. Writting to you all from Orlando Florida. I am sitting here in SHORTS. IN DECEMBER. And I just cant get my little head around that.
The adjustment has been hard. Period.
Truly. I was facing this move like a hardened warrior. Thought I wouldnt be phased at all. I was so excited…Couldnt wait to go.
What the hell was I thinking???? How could I not be phased at all???
I thought I knew myself so very well…Apparently, I have alot left to learn…
I left everything I have ever known. My “Comfort” zone. A great job. A warm home. My pets. My friends. My family. And my Stevie…
Boy, did I get very humbled very quickly. Like a giant slap in the face…UGH…
The melt downs have come at weird times. I feel extreemly unstable. Okay okay. Smartasses. MORE unstable than NORMAL…LOL…
One day, I was in the parking lot of a grocery store, saw a lady with her dog, and just started bawling. Seriously. Uncontrollably. I missed my furry babies…
Then yesterday, I was unpacking my China dishes…And the water works started again!! Out of NO WHERE. The dishes reminded me of my home. Of the Christmas I received them. Of the person who gave them to me. Stevie. And all the hopes we had for them. We were going to use them to have fancy dinner parties…”Going to” is the key word there…
We never really did…
Of course, that made me even sader…The regrets…
I try, for the most part, to not have them. For they are poison to your soul. They cant be undone. There are no do overs. So to waste time on them is very senseless…
But I confess. I allowed myself to have a few yesterday. Call it a pity party for one! Regrets that I didnt use them. Regrets that somehow or another, I ended up where I am. That I made a series of bad judgments. That I allowed ONE person to change the way I viewed my whole life. Someone who is no longer even a part of my life.
Regrets? Yep. I have a heart full of them.
And they suck.
But here I am. On a path of my own choosing…In a situation I created. And there is nothing I can do, but put one foot in front of the other, and continue to breathe…
Its not all bad. Not by anymeans.
The weather has been gorgeous. The new apartment is coming a long great! Brian has been an absolute gem. I truly dont think I have ever met a truer, more sweeter, human being. I do beleive he would do ANYTHING for anyone.
He watches me cry. And does not judge. He just lets me. And tells me it will get better. He knows for whom I cry, and why, and he understands…And that, my friends, is remarkable…
I wonder if there will come a day when this does feel like home…
I wonder if I will some day have a new group of friends to call up and hang out with…
I looked at the calendar on my fridge. Marked all the important dates for next year…Marked my one year anniversary here in Florida for NEXT November, and I wondered to myself where I will be at that time??
Will I look back at this moment and laugh at myself for being so silly?
Or will I be packing and heading back home to Ohio?
I truly have no idea.
I gave myself one year here.
One year to try to make a new life. God willing, a better life…Although, in reality, my life in Ohio was pretty damn good. So it will be hard to top…
But, for reasons uknown even to me some days, this is the path I chose, and if I were any one else. Any one LESS stubborn, I probably would have already tucked my tail between my legs and ran back home…
But thats not really ever been my style…The easy way is just that. The easy way…
And I dont play that game.
I take the hard way…Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not…
So here I am. In Florida. Looking for friends. Looking for a job. Looking for myself, I guess…
I hope I find her soon. My real self. And that she is everything I have been hoping she would be…
“Sitting here alone
I’m lookin back on where I’ve roamed
And laughin, how I swore
I’d win and not get burned
Left my family, left my home
I worked my fingers to the bone
And there was not a stone
I did not leave unturned
And I was having a good time
Roll On, roll on, roller coaster
We’re one day older
and one step closer
Roll on, there’s mountains to climb
Roll on, were on borrowed time
Roll on rollercoaster,
Roll on tonight “
BIG HUG DAWNIEEEE!!!!
OK, dry your eyes - you are on the right path to finding her. I’m sure with your great personality and being you, friends will flock to you in no time.
About the weather, after almost 19 years here I do not like a warm Christmas! I miss the snowy, white X-mas of my childhood.
Roll on girl, one skate right in front of the other…before you know it your 1 yr anni. is here.
Have a great day.
Awww, Dawnie, you have made alot of changes in a short time. Now catch your breath.
Remember too that even the things you regret helped make you the person you are today. And I like that person!
Hang in there, you will make it. Hugs, Kama
Dawnie—ok, you have to know that I am have tears running down my face from reading your blog. If I were in Florida with you right now, I would hug you and we would both be bawling uncontrollably—why? Because out of all the years I’ve known you, which I am sure it’s been a couple, this has got to be the most raw of your blogs—and I feel your pain! I agree, you must give your new home AT LEAST one year! AT LEAST!
Steve is not going anywhere Dawnie, the two of you will forever be in eachother’s hearts, you know that and he knows that, so embrace the new life you have, the new opportunity you have given yourself and hang in there because when it’s all said and done, you will be a better person—it’s hard, I can’t say it will be easy, but I know you will come out of this stronger than ever!! A better version of an already wonderful and beautiful YOU!
Dawn,
thank you for sharing your life and in such detail where i almost feel i am living it for you, just wish i could fast foward things so next november was here and the transition was already over, but there are reasons for life and the choices you made, and well i truly hope you find the person in you your looking for , for on the outside reading whats inside, you seem like a pretty damn swell person, and people gravitate to you, but the thing is will you let them in, as time goes on i suppose this is the real test in life stepping outside the comfort zone and getting to people who have no idea who you are! and i can understand the fear, it’s like being DAWN, and only dawn not dawn and steve or dawn so and so sister or wife, or niece, its scarey, but you can do it,, like the little engine that could,,, i know , know i can,.. so Roll on roll on roller coaster!! your one day older and one day closer!! and you know what if ya can’t… nothing wrong with the good old comfort zone back home… big hug to you and good luck!