Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

If you close your eyes…

And open your mind…

And focus…

You can hear it…

The sweet sound of success…

Thats right! Its right there! ALL around you…

It may be lurking in dark corners, but its there…

I can hear it…

I can FEEEEEL it…

Its coming to me…

2009 is about to be my best year ever…Because I have chosen it to be…

This is it…The end of 08…The end of yet another chaotic, hectic, tough, disappointing year for me…And I am so freaking glad its gone…

But, in true Dawn style, I shall point out the POSITIVES of 2008.

*I am still alive.

*I lost no family or friends to death or illness.

*I made it through a divorce in one piece.

*I made it through back surgery in one piece.

*I adopted a new mutt. Saved a life.

*I made new friends.

*I kept all my old ones! LOL.

*I am still walking my weight loss journey. Still trying. Still attempting.

*I have a job.

*I have a home.

*I have a car.

*I have my health.

What more could I want???

2009 goals are simple…

*I will work out five days a week.

*I will strive for consistency, not perfection.

*I will journal EVERYTHING. Food. Exercise. Life.

*I will do ONE thing every month that scares me. A new class. Meet a new person. Etc.

*I will continue to live within my means, and build my savings.

*I will go out and discover one new thing each month about my new state.

*I will do my best to make the best, of my new surroundings.

My short term weight loss goal is ten pounds. Thats right. 10. I have found it goes better for me if I DONT think of the big picture. Ten pounds is NOTHING. I can do that…And then ten pounds becomes twenty. Twenty leads to thirty, and so on. You get the picture…

Ultimately, down the road, I woul like to be 30 pounds lighter by June. I know this is do able. I have done it. Twice, actually. LOL…Third times a charm, eh??

So thats it.

I am bound and determinded to make 2009 a great year both physically, mentally, and personally…

And to rock out 08 and jump into 09, I have committed to a two hour block today for the gym…WOOT…

Happy 2009 everyone!!!

Okay. For once, this is not a weight related blog…Well, not directly anyway…

So, after four weeks, and numerous interviews, and over four months of applying and searching, I have been offered a job.

In my field of Human Resources.

The last time I was unemployed in 2006 it took seven weeks and over 28 interviews.

So, I will consider this, overall, a success.

So what then is my problem??

The job, and the pay, are a GIANT step backward for me…And friends, I am  having a REALLY hard time swallowing that…Especially since this was all my own doing…

Arent those ALWAYS the hardest pills to swallow?? The ones we make ourselves…Yep. Just call me the local neighborhood pharmacist, for I am continually making my own tough pills, swallowing them, and then wondering why I dont feel so well. UGH…

I am 36 years old. When will I learn???

So, before you think me a complete, ungrateful brat, please know, I am not.

The economy sucks right now. Period.

The unemployment rate in Florida is one of the highest in the nation. Period.

This is NOT the best time to be looking for a job.

There are many many people who have LOST their jobs and would kill to be employed right now.

So yes, in that aspect, I am grateful. I truly am, and when the shock wears off a bit, I know I will feel all that. Blessed.

But right now, I am still n shock.

You see, I dont have a college degree. I have mentioned it before. And without a degree, I have worked my way up to a very beneficial career in Human Resources. Me. I went from being a waitress for over ten years, to administering benefits for several large employees. I am very proud of that. Maybe too proud. I dont know.

But, through the years, I was finally making a very comfortable salary. One of the best I had ever made.

And yes. I walked away from it. Willingly.

Naively thinking, once again, that I would have no trouble finding a job, or one in my salary range.

Well, I found one okay. And its actually a pretty good job. But its stuff I was doing five years ago. And at a rate of pay I was at five years ago. UGH.

I am sick to my stomach thinking about it. I can make it. I know this. But its gonna be hard. Its gonna take a lot of scaling back. And possibly a second part time job.

But the fact is, because of the economy, and this state, salaries are running about ten thousand dollars behind what they are for similar jobs in Ohio.

So this was not entirely unexpected, but when I said yes, I accept the job, it finally hit me. This is it.

This is what I will be making. And its about 30% LESS than what I was making. And it makes my belly hurt.

I feel like a brat. I feel like a spoiled child. I feel anger at myself. Frustrated that I keep making stupid choices that I cant think through…UGH…I truly dont know why I am in such a vicious cycle here…

Yes. Life could be much worse.

But why, when life was finally getting better, did I decide I needed new and bigger challenges? Why cant I ever just be content with where I am at in life and enjoy. It never seems to be enough for me. Sometimes, this is a good trait. It forces me to acheive more. Do more. But sometimes, its a bad thing…And I know this.

So, I should be excited to finally be starting a new job. I know it will help me MUCH in the whole getting settled thing. And having a routine will help me in the weight loss arena as well. I know, overall, this is a GOOD THING…

But right now, I am just a bit deflated…

I do know, once I process, in my usual way, I will come up with a plan. As I always do…

But man…Right now, I am soooo tempted to just spit out every pill I made, run back home to my mom, and curl up in her lap and cry…I can do that, right?????

Oh, wait…I guess I forgot…I am an adult now…

Being an adult sucks…I want to be five again…

I dont know why it is…Or how it all works…Honest…

Even after almost five years on this journey, I can not predict, or understand why it sometimes “Clicks” and why it sometimes doesnt…

But, for whatever reason, it all makes sense again to me, and since last week when I reached my angry frustrated level, life has just taken on a whole new perspective…

I swear, if I could understand it, bottle it up for all of us, and sell it, I would be a rich rich woman…

Thats right. I am talking motivation. Determination. That feeling inside that you just KNOW you are back on track. Its not just one thing. Its many things. But you know it when it arrives. AND you know when its missing and you are gonna have to do this all half assed…

Some of my buddies know this…Catrina. Jo. Nancy. When you got it you got it. Thats what they say.

And when you dont, there is no other option but to FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. The key to it all is to keep going even when its gone in hopes that it will find its way back to you. It will. Eventually. At least in my experience. Sometimes its weeks. Sometimes its months. And in my case. Its been over a year.

The mental game of this journey has been EYE OPENING.

But, I made the decision last week to just do it. Get all the clutter out of my mind. Quit relying on my excuses and reasons. And yes, Miss Jo, just like you, quit worrying about finances, decisions I made, or didnt make, etc.

I had to clean out my head. Get rid of the cobwebs.

I rejoined a gym, and since then, even though I have only gone twice (They were closed yesterday) my attitude has changed by about 75%. It has been noticed. By many.

I just FELL BETTER. Period.

The gym has always been the key to my state of mind. Period. I feel thinner even when I am not. I feel healthier even if I am not. I feel prettier. Younger. More energetic.

So, I am going to thank Miss Nancy for her blog. You know. The gym one!! For one thing stuck out at me. And its something that hit me in the face last week.

We must push ourselves. ALWAYS.

Man. We are creatures of habit. I sure am!!!

Comfort Zones are great, but to be successful, you must stray outside of that. Nancy has. Catrina has. Jo has. Even when they struggle, these are the ladies I look to for inspiration when it comes to the dreaded EXERCISE!!!

You see, I have done the gym thing for five years. And I love it. BUT, I have done CONSISTENTLY, the same thing. Elliptical. Treadmill (And outside walking) Arm weights. And stomach crunches. FOR FIVE YEARS…

True. It worked. But it slowed…

I have learned, in just the last week…Okay, if I am honest, I kind of knew it, but refused to do it…Lol…That I MUST do something new and different to shock my system…But I played ignorant…

Friday at the gym I did a whole new thing. The circuit training. I worked EVERY muscle group in my body. This was new to me, and my body responded as predicted. For THREE days my muscles hurt. THis is a good thing…

One simple change has made me re-evaluate and rejunvenate my whole outlook…

I am now STOKED to head to the gym. Yes. The elliptical will continue to be a big part of my cardio. But, I am going to do circuit training once a week. (They actually dont recommend it more than that!!) as well as start venturing into other machines…

In addition, I am working myself up to the big one…A class!!!

I have never in my life done a fitness class!! And I DONT want to do one right away, because I am horribly out of shape from not working out in over two months. But that is a new goal of mine…

Try a fitness class, just one, within the next thirty days.

And I am soooo excited. I cant WAIT to get to the gym today and see what new machines await me. I cant WAIT for my muscles to hurt. I cant WAIT to sweat again.

Honest.

I dont know what happend or why, but it all makes sense to me again, and I am back and ready to go…

I think in my next blog I will be summing up my year and making my goals for 09. NOT RESOLUTIONS, but goals. I encourage you all to do the same.

LETS MAKE 2009 THE YEAR OF US!!!!!! WOO HOO…Rock on buddyslimmers…

I am convinced of it!!!

Now I know why all the folks on Jillians Biggest Loser hate her at first and cry like babies!!

Personal trainers are PURE EVIL…

But a neccessary evil.

So I met with my first ever personal trainer today. One hour later, I am a big old jiggly mess. My arms and legs feel like a giant bowl of jello. Someone call Bill Cosby!!

Seriously. She kicked my ass…

And I FEEL GREAT!!!

I sweated like a pig.

Felt sick to my stomach.

But I did EVERYTHING she asked me to do. She was awesome in an evil kind of way…LOL…

I get two more sessions with her…And then I have to pay. I would love to have a personal trainer, but lets be real. I can not, at this point in my life, afford a 100 bucks an hour for her services.

But, I did learn some things today.

I have never really worked my legs at the gym. Because my legs, calves, are already strong, and kind of big. So I focused on only my arms. She scolded me for this.

Apparently, a large portion of your muscle mass is in your legs, and by working them, and increasing your muscle mass there, you increase your ability to burn more calories!!! It makes sense to me…

Also. I had to get on the dreaded scale.

OH MY GOD.

I have not been on a scale since August. Truly. I have been hiding from my scale.

The bad news is, I am still fat!!!!

The good news is, I have absolutely maintained through the last FOUR months.

Buddies. This is remarkable!!

I have done NOTHING since August as far as diet and exercise. I have had nothing but stress and depression. And to come through that all with a MAINTAIN. Well…I WILL TAKE IT!!!

So I am not where I was. Or where I want to be, but it could have been OH SO MUCH WORSE.

In my head, I had myself back up to 250. Truly. Convinced of it.

Well.

I am not.

So. I have the numbers. I have the tools now. I just need to keep on keeping on.

I FEEL GOOD BUDDIES…Day one is starting off great…Now I only need to do this for 355 more days…WOOT!!!

That’s right….

We all fall down from time to time. Some of us fall MULTIPLE times…And there is NO SHAME in falling…There is only shame if you lay there and refuse to get up!!!!!

Sooo, here I am. Pulling myself up. AGAIN. (I have lost count of how many times I have done this!)

And you know what?

I will do it a thousand more times over the course of my life if I have too. I will fight this battle till my dying day. I know this. For my mother and father were/are both overweight, and it is forever in my mind.

So contrary to what my blog may have portrayed yesterday, I am actually doing much better…

I think yesterday was just my anger and frustration explosion.

But today has been filled with action. Today has been a good day.

Every day I learn more. About myself. My journey. My destination.

Thank you to all of you who left comments. I appreciate the support.

A lot of times I need to get very very angry before I get to work. And that’s what yesterdays blog was. The storm before the action.

So, through the course of the last few days, I have cried. Screamed. Yelled. Reflected. And read.

I have read everything I could online to help motivate me. To placate me. To keep my mind occupied…

I started with the Biggest Loser. I watched the finale. I was inspired.

Then I went to the Today Show website to read up on past winners and where they are now. Do you know what??? MANY of the former contestants AND WINNERS, have regained some weight. Some of them SIGNIFICANTLY.

Of the stories they highlighted, I would say about 75% of them gained at least 15 pounds, and in most cases, 40 pounds!!!!

No. I am not happy about that, and that is not why I mention it. I feel for them. For sure. But, I guess it was nice to know that EVERYONE on this journey stumbles. There is no magic. Even on a reality show.

Then, I found out that Oprah’s next issue will talk about her weight gain. OPRAH. I have been a fan of hers for years. Love her or hate her, you can NOT deny her her success and hard work. And I love the fact she goes public with her weight loss. And gains!!

Again, it proves to me no matter how much money you have, weight loss is still a struggle. (I cant wait to read this article)

Then I came back here.

You see, when I am down, depressed, wallowing in self pity, I withdraw. From my friends. Family. Even this site. ESPECIALLY this site. Its just what I do. I don’t know why because ALWAYS this site brings me back. ALWAYS.

Blogging is my drug. True. I love it. It is soooo healing to get it out.

I have never blogged for others. Only me. But it makes my day when someone else has read what I wrote, and it’s a double prize if they can relate even a little.

I also love checking in on some of the buddy slim success stories…For inspiration.

And, I also like to know when those same successes have trouble too. It helps me. Not because I wish that on ANY of my buddies, but it is sooo helpful to know I am not alone. That I did not do something horrific to get here where I am.

Its nice to know I am human too. Just like everyone else here.

So, all this came to a head yesterday in the blog I posted…And today, I awoke refreshed and ready for action…Pity party was over. Time to go home.

I started by actually getting dressed, hair done, make up on. I have NOT been doing this due to depression and lack of motivation. I am not working, so what’s the point, right? Wrong. Looking like shit makes me FEEL like shit.

Step one, get dressed in NORMAL clothes and put a face on!!!

Then I put on a pair of Capri’s I bought yesterday. They are a size bigger than I am currently in, because yesterday in my depression, I had convinced myself I have gone up at least a size in the last month. Yes, I know. Its crazy. But its what this journey does to us sometimes.

Low and behold, they were too big! WAY big actually, and they are 100% cotton, NO SPANDEX. I am wearing them, because they are super cute and super comfortable, but I was STOKED that they were too big…Meaning I am still in the same size I was a month ago…

Then, I went to Barnes and Noble for a gift and found the CUTEST little journal. It is a nice red suede covered journal. Quite fancy for me. I usually just go with the 3.99 supermarket special. This one was 8 bucks, but you know what? I liked it. I needed a new fitness/food journal, so I splurged!!

Step two, get back to journaling EVERYTHING I eat and do.

Then, I did something I was afraid to do.

I went to a gym. A REAL gym.

I actually went yesterday to check it out. That’s right. I was scared. And depressed. And miserable, but I went.
Today, my decision made, I went back to join.

This is a HUGE deal for me. I have NEVER belonged to a real gym. I never needed too. I had a nice fitness center in my condo complex in Ohio. And that’s where I have gone for the last five years…

At first, it was hard for me to justify the money. Forty bucks per month!!!
But then, I thought, You know what??? I drop 30-40 bucks at one time AT LEAST once every two weeks on a meal out with friends…So pony up the cash and quit whining! I NEED THIS. This is an investment in myself…Plain and simple…
So I did it. I joined, I talked to Johnny Workout dude, and I didn’t even flinch.

Its GOLDS GYM and its 24 hours. Five miles from home. They have a ton of free classes. Free trainers. A woman’s only section and the coolest thing????

CARDIO THEATER…That’s right. They play a movie in a theater for you while you work out on a treadmill, bike, or elliptical. VERY COOL.

Step Three, GO TO THE GYM!

And so tomorrow, at 9 a.m., for the first time in my life, I am meeting with a personal trainer. I am stoked.

A new, scary thing, crossed off my list…

I am BACK on the path to finding myself again. And I am excited.

I know that I may fall a dozen more times in 2009, but I am going to try my hardest to keep my eye on the prize and make 2009 the year I FINALLY find the woman I was meant to be…

…Fire starter!

When you were a child, did you ever spin around as fast as you could? Arms outstretched? Faster and faster? Until everything around you became a blur? Then you would fall to the ground and lay there and watch the would spin…You would try to get up, thinking it would be so simple, but your equilibrium was off, and you would falter, stumble, and even fall…Putting one foot in front of the other suddenly became the hardest job EVER. Until your senses came back…

When you are eight years old, this is fun…

When you are 36, and stuck in a cycle of your own making, it kinda sucks.

This is me. Today.

There are moments I look at myself in a complete moment of clarity, and I hate what I see. What I allowed to happen…

There are other moments, when I look wayyyy back, and I think, “Okay. Okay. Its not THAT bad…”

My last real significant weight loss came in the Spring of 2007…When I reached my lowest weight…

Since then, its been creeping on one pound at a time. And I have allowed it. Hell, I guess I kind of laid down a welcome mat and said COME ON IN FAT. Why don’t you just rest yourself right there on my stomach??

And it pisses me off…

I wont bore you with the reasons. There are blogs talking about them. You all know them. Hell, you could probably tell them back to me better than I can.

But I think what I have most recently noted, and what is a HUGE shock to me, is how much this current re-gain has affected my confidence…

Confidence. A strange thing.

I never put much thought into confidence growing up. I know that sounds weird, but it was never on my radar. I was raised by a single mom to be a strong, honest, good person. And I am.

If that was confidence, I didn’t know it. I had no name for it. I just knew inside what I would and would not tolerate in my life. Even at a very early age. As a matter of fact, I went through boyfriend after boyfriend, some pretty serious ones too, because I KNEW they were not good enough for me.

My weight, while always on my radar, NEVER affected my confidence. Or my life, for that matter.

I had boyfriends in high school. Friends who liked me. No one seemed bothered by my weight. and therefore, I never bothered much with it, nor did it mean I had or didn’t have confidence. I didn’t have oodles of self esteem issues either. Another trait I attribute to my mother.

At a young age, I felt fairly well adjusted to myself and my life. I knew what I wanted. Where I wanted to go. And I just did it. It is this stubbornness if you will that took me from waiting tables for ten years to the corporate world I now love and hate.

I was 20 when I met my ex husband Steve. I was also a cute plus size gal. A size 14. Never seemed to bother him. I was, and am, a very cute girl.

That is not cockiness. Nor confidence, really, it just is.

I can look at pics and say, well, for a fat girl, you sure are cute!!! Great eyes (thanks mom!), a cute nose, a great smile, pretty teeth…Yep. I see that too…

When I look at myself I see a cute girl. A fun girl. And in some rare moments, a beautiful girl…And in my heart of hearts, I know if I got down to my goal weight, I would be stunning…

NOT because of my looks, necessarily, but because the outside would FINALLY match who I already am on the inside. A good, fun, smart, sexy, charming, gal. BEAUTIFUL…Inside, and out.

But I digress a bit…

This blog isn’t about confidence of looks. Its about confidence in life.

You see, the significant portion of my weight loss came in the Fall of 2006. I lost about 35 pounds in three months. I had been on my journey for two years already, but it is that time period where the inner me met the outer me, and the two emerged into a confident, beautiful, young woman.

And suddenly, I had confidence I never even knew I lacked…

I took charge of things. My life. My job. My body.

I had fun. Took chances. Made decisions and felt proud of them.

I made sooooo many new friends that year. Did soooo many new things.

Day after day, week after week, I crossed things off my list. Things I had always wanted to do but was never brave enough to do…

I was a rockstar…

That Fall and Winter I had people flocking to me like moths to a light. When I asked about this, they all replied, “You exude confidence”. This amazed me. This was new to me. For I had no idea what it all meant. But I liked it.

And mind you, I was still fat. By all records, even still obese, but I was on my way to a thinner happier self. And it showed.

But, like all flames do, mine burned out…Slowly sputtering month after month.

It took a while…But, as I went into 2008, I was making grand, life changing decisions, that in retrospect, I probably had NO RIGHT to be making…

And on and on the flame grew dimmer…

Until now, its so dark, I can barely see. My confidence in myself and my decision making are at an all time low.

And I hate it.

I question ever decision I make, and then I will re question it.

And I hate it.

This is NOT me.

This is NOT who I want to be.

I HATE THIS GIRL. She is weak. She is scared. And she is a shell of her former self.

This girl is afraid to get on the scale. This girl is afraid to go to the gym. This girl is afraid to go outside for fear people will say HEY, WHOSE THE FAT GIRL…

This girl sits here. With fire in her soul, and a flame in her heart, but she is sooo afraid. She cant remember how to make the spark.

This girl sits here, in a new town, in a new state, wondering how on earth she is to begin this grand new life she had planned for herself???

She wants it. She knows she does. She hates EVERYTHING about this girl. She wants the old girl back. The one PRIOR to weight loss who was oblivious to the weight that burdened her. And she wants the POST weight loss girl back. Who showed her how truly lovely life can be when you are living it to your fullest. Enjoying EVERY BREATH. I want BOTH of them back…

But I have no idea where they went, or how to go about finding them.

Hello buddies!!!

Well, Monday was the grand Re-luanch of my ship…The ship being myself…

I asked Brian to even crack me over the head with a bottle of champaign to make it all official, but he said no…I know not why!?!?! LOL…

First three days were a bit half hearted I confess…

But I kept saying “Fake it till you make it”…I knew eventually that going through the motions would eventually just click…

Here I am on day four, and finally starting to get excited again…

I ended the first few days around 1400 calories. This is about 100 calories more than I want…So I have some tweaking to do…

I also havent been to the gym yet…I have definitely exercised. In the form of walking, and working, and unpacking. But nothing structured…

Now…Do you want to hear a secret?

Do you know why I havent yet been to the gym??

Its because yours truly is SCARED. Yep. I am scared to go to the gym…

Ridiculous, no?????

You see, its a new gym. Its a small, new gym, that is associated with my apartment, but is at a different complex. So I have to drive to it. Its about a mile a way.

My old gym was right in my neigborhood, and I went to it faithfully for over four years. I was comfortable there.

This one is NEW. OMG…And I am afraid.

I admit it.

Soooo…Today…I am going to FORCE myself out of this house and to that gym…

Its sounds simple, I know, but as most of us know who give into fear from time to time, its getting there thats half the battle!!!

On another note, I finally unpacked all my clothes yesterday, and boy o boy was I depressed! Buddies…I have lots o clothes!!! WHEW…

Sadly, MOST of them currently do not fit!!!! UGH O RAMA!!!

They are nice, new, size 14s mostly…I bought them over a year and a half ago when I was firmly at 185 and fit well into 14s…Currently I am snug as a bug in a rug in my 16s…

Call me a stuffed sausage if you will!!!

I was soooo tempted to throw them all out yesterday…

But then, that would have meant giving up on getting back there. And, well, I am not ready to call it quits just yet…

I know, if I work hard, I can easily get into them within the next two to three months…

I think of my buddy Jo and how she has lost over 15 pounds in two months, and she keeps me going…I know in 15 pounds I could fit into them again…

So today I awoke with some new motivation…I want to fit into all my clothes again…They are soooo cute!!!

I am finally starting to get excited again about my weight loss journey. And excitement is key…

Today, I am also waiting for an important phone call…Yesterday, I adopted a dog from the local shelter…

I have been horribly home sick and missing the two dogs I left behind with my ex husband. My babbies…

So I picked me out a dog. She was on death row, actually, and a week beyond her kill date…They kept her because they just knew she was adoptable…I think she was just waiting for me!

She is a 11 month old Collie Mix…

She is shy and timid…

I can not wait to go get her…She has no name yet, and we are currently running through the list…

I cant wait to have yet another reason to get up in the morning and get out and about…Anyone who has ever owned a puppy in an apartment knows, there will be no laying in bed now!!! LOL…

Good luck to all my buddies today…

Remember, the number of mistakes we make do not matter, its how we learn from them that does!!!

I listened to “Roll On” by Kid Rock this morning. I must confess, I have had a secret crush on him for years…Him and his stringy hair are just somehow, a little bit hot!!

Shhhhhh…Dont tell him! LOL…

I have always enjoyed his music too. This song, in particular, fits me currently and my mood.

So here I sit. Writting to you all from Orlando Florida. I am sitting here in SHORTS. IN DECEMBER. And I just cant get my little head around that.

The adjustment has been hard. Period.

Truly. I was facing this move like a hardened warrior. Thought I wouldnt be phased at all. I was so excited…Couldnt wait to go.

What the hell was I thinking???? How could I not be phased at all???

I thought I knew myself so very well…Apparently, I have alot left to learn…

I left everything I have ever known. My “Comfort” zone. A great job. A warm home. My pets. My friends. My family. And my Stevie…

Boy, did I get very humbled very quickly. Like a giant slap in the face…UGH…

The melt downs have come at weird times. I feel extreemly unstable. Okay okay. Smartasses. MORE unstable than NORMAL…LOL…

One day, I was in the parking lot of a grocery store, saw a lady with her dog, and just started bawling. Seriously. Uncontrollably. I missed my furry babies…

Then yesterday, I was unpacking my China dishes…And the water works started again!! Out of NO WHERE. The dishes reminded me of my home. Of the Christmas I received them. Of the person who gave them to me. Stevie. And all the hopes we had for them. We were going to use them to have fancy dinner parties…”Going to” is the key word there…

We never really did…

Of course, that made me even sader…The regrets…

I try, for the most part, to not have them. For they are poison to your soul. They cant be undone. There are no do overs. So to waste time on them is very senseless…

But I confess. I allowed myself to have a few yesterday. Call it a pity party for one! Regrets that I didnt use them. Regrets that somehow or another, I ended up where I am. That I made a series of bad judgments. That I allowed ONE person to change the way I viewed my whole life. Someone who is no longer even a part of my life.

Regrets? Yep. I have a heart full of them.

And they suck.

But here I am. On a path of my own choosing…In a situation I created. And there is nothing I can do, but put one foot in front of the other, and continue to breathe…

Its not all bad. Not by anymeans.

The weather has been gorgeous. The new apartment is coming a long great! Brian has been an absolute gem. I truly dont think I have ever met a truer, more sweeter, human being. I do beleive he would do ANYTHING for anyone.

He watches me cry. And does not judge. He just lets me. And tells me it will get better. He knows for whom I cry, and why, and he understands…And that, my friends, is remarkable…

I wonder if there will come a day when this does feel like home…

I wonder if I will some day have a new group of friends to call up and hang out with…

I looked at the calendar on my fridge. Marked all the important dates for next year…Marked my one year anniversary here in Florida for NEXT November, and I wondered to myself where I will be at that time??

Will I look back at this moment and laugh at myself for being so silly?

Or will I be packing and heading back home to Ohio?

I truly have no idea.

I gave myself one year here.

One year to try to make a new life. God willing, a better life…Although, in reality, my life in Ohio was pretty damn good. So it will be hard to top…

But, for reasons uknown even to me some days, this is the path I chose, and if I were any one else. Any one LESS stubborn, I probably would have already tucked my tail between my legs and ran back home…

But thats not really ever been my style…The easy way is just that. The easy way…

And I dont play that game.

I take the hard way…Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not…

So here I am. In Florida. Looking for friends. Looking for a job. Looking for myself, I guess…

I hope I find her soon. My real self. And that she is everything I have been hoping she would be…

“Sitting here alone
I’m lookin back on where I’ve roamed
And laughin, how I swore
I’d win and not get burned
Left my family, left my home
I worked my fingers to the bone
And there was not a stone
I did not leave unturned

And I was having a good time
Roll On, roll on, roller coaster
We’re one day older
and one step closer
Roll on, there’s mountains to climb
Roll on, were on borrowed time
Roll on rollercoaster,
Roll on tonight “