Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

Well Buddies…Its monday!

The start of a new week…A time for new successes and new failures…

Lets focus on the successes, shall we?

As I have blogged about often, my life is very chaotic these days…Really no different from any of yours I am sure…We all have our things we deal with…

I can say honestly, I havent handled mine well…And I have resorted to tossing my own wellness aside time and time again…And I am tired of it…

So, starting fresh, YET AGAIN, today, I am trying to stay on track…

I have the intelligence. The tools. And I KNOW I have done it before. So I just need to do it again. Simple, eh???

Today, I took a GIANT step towards my future. One that kind of freaked me out. Scared me to death. And all kind of things in between.

I put in my notice at work. The first step to my relocation to Florida by December 1st.

I have no job there. No home there. No friends. No family. No pets. NADA.

So, the urge to NOT go was very very strong this weekend. The urge to just stay here, where I have always been, in my comfort zone, was very very compelling…

I am not afraid to admit I had a major breakdown this weekend and spent most of my weekend in bed, in tears, trying to sort it out. To do what is best for Dawn…

I am sooo afraid of failing…That the urge to not even try was soooo strong…

I talked to Brian, the BF…To Steve, the Ex-husband, to one of my best friends, Jen, and they all said the same thing…

“Dawn, we know you…If you dont even try, you will be incredibly disappointed in yourself”.

And they are right…

So with a shaky hand, and tears in my eyes, I put in my notice today.

I now have four weeks to pack 36 years into a POD, and relocate myself to Florida.

Where awaits a lovely man who seems to love me even though I am fat, and mentally unstable on a GOOD day…LOL…

I have done some crazy things in my life, but this, honestly, is up there as the craziest…

BUT…

I think I gotta try it…

So with that now done, I can imerse myself in the next four weeks…Recommit myself for the 100th time to my OWN fitness and weightloss…And HOPEFULLY, both endeavors will end up successful…

So my goal for this week is very simple indeed. I am aiming for five days in a row of 100% on plan. For me, this means this:

• Journal every morsel that passes my lips
• Stay at or around 1300 calories per day
• Work out for a mininum of 1 hour per day

Its all so very simple…In writting, at least…

“The journey of a thousand miles, begins with just one step…”

So here I go…One foot in front of the other. One minute at a time…And before I know it, I will look back and be amazed at my progress…

That was my attempt at a Brittney Spears impression. LOL.

I sat here this morning staring at my computer. I wanted to blog. Badly. I looove to blog. Always have. Have always blogged for myself. As an outlet for my many chaotic thoughts. But today, I just didnt know what to say, yet felt compelled to say something…

I often feel I dont have much to say. Because I keep going around in circles. So if I blog continually about the same thing, I sound like a freakin broken record. Yet, to not blog, makes me feel, well, incomplete. Its a very strange thing.

I sit here this morning angry.

I am angry at myself.

And no, not the whiney, self destructive, pity party that I think we all do from time to time…Today I am honestly and truly angry.

I am not a stupid girl.

I am not a genius, by any means, but I am bright. I am educated greatly on the ins and outs of fitness and weight loss. Hell. I have been on this journey for so many years, you would think I could write oodles about it.

I am stubborn.

I am resourceful.

I am feisty.

I NEVER let people tell me what I can and can not do.

And I succeed at most things I truly put my heart into.

I have accomplished a lot in my 36 years, and I am very proud of where I currently sit in this thing we call life.

So, why, please, can anyone tell me, why true, everlasting, weight loss, remains elusive??

People. Its not hard. Truly.

Every single one of us here knows the math.

Eat less. Exercise more. Period.

All these diets. No matter which one you are on. Atkins. Jenny Craig. Weight Watchers. Even Bariatric Surgery. The math is the same. Smaller portions, which equal fewer calories, and exercise.

Sure. You can do one or the other, and be succesful. But to be a long term, permanent, HEALTHY success, you need both.

Pills dont work. Shakes dont work. There is no magic pill. There is no way you can simply wish the weight away….

Fewer calories and Exercise.

To see it. To read it. Its ever so simple.

For me, personally, I have found great success. At my lowest, I had lost over sixty  pounds. Hit 179 from 243. I did it. I was successful. I did it the simple way. The cheap way. SIXTY POUNDS!!! What an acheivement to be proud of…

I stayed at or around 1200 calories per day. Wrote down every calorie that passed my lips. And exercised 5 days a week for about an hour. Simple, eh???

People. That part was not hard. Honest.

Once I hit my groove, I just did it. And honestly, I was rarely hungry. I rarely cheated. And I lost about 1.5 pounds per week. When I am on it, this is how it goes for me. Nothing distracts me from my goal.

But for some reason, I allow life to abduct me from my weight loss journey. And I dont know why. And I am angry at myself.

I dont feel good. My pants are tight yet I refuse to buy bigger. Food brings me no comfort. Yet, I continue to mindlessly eat it in high stress situations. Sure. I have a lot going on right now. But in reality, who doesnt? Dont we all have our battles?? Yes. We do.

So why cant I put myself AND my weight loss journey at the top of my priority list?? It doesnt take any more time than NOT doing it. The people I love support it. So I cant even blame them.

ITS ME…Its all me.

When I have had a bad day at work, I eat. Even if I am not hungry.

When I am stressed, I want to go home, get in my pjs, and curl up in bed.

When I am at the gym, I feel great. Even if I am not losing weight, I feel great. I like how my body feels and looks, when I exercise, no matter what my weight. Yet, getting to the gym lately is an every day mental battle.

And I am wore out.

I recommited to this journey in August. Truly want it again. I know how its done. I have the tools. I have the power. I know what success feels like, and how crappy failure feels. And I know I want it. YET. I cant seem to continually and consistently, execute it.

This week started out GREAT. Three days of exercising twice a day. Keeping up on my little goals.

Friday night hits, and failure occurs. Due to a busy work day, I skip my lunch, and my lunch time walk. This makes me STARVING by the time I get home. So not only talk myself OUT of the gym, I talk myself INTO going out for dinner. Ribs. Steak. Bread. Butter. Need I go on??

And today, I now deal with anger. Disappointment. Failure.

I looked at some old pictures of myself this morning. At my highest. And then, as I am now. Trust me. Even with just forty pounds gone now, I still look and feel, ten times better than I did back then.

But I want more. I have always wanted more.

I have never yearned to be what the books say I should be. 132. I have never yearned to be a size 7. I have always, only, yearned to look and feel good. Whether that ends up being 170 or 145. I know I will know when I get there.

So this morning I asked myself honestly “Dawn, what the fuck is your problem?” and I have no answer buddies…I am tired of being off the wagon more than on. I am tired of seeing new people come here and drop 50 or 60 pounds in a few months, while I sit here still babbling about my struggles. Tired of saying I am going to do something than fail to do it. Tired of talking about weight loss. Thinking about weight loss. I am simply tired…

I dont know what the answer is to this rambling blog. I only know I had to put it in writting for myself. I know that after the anger will come action. And after the action will come success.

The math is ever so simple. And we ALL have that knowledge.

There is NO MAGIC in weight loss. NO QUICK FIX. There is only action and then success.

I am having a Charlie Brown Day!!!!

So…First things first…

I am a mad woman. Truly. My OCD has proved to be unfounded, once again…

My weekend travels to Florida were great…I went to the Epcot Food and Wine Festival, and did well. Didnt eat a whole lot and walked for four hours straight.

I met the boyfriends kids and it went AWESOMELY…Truly…They liked me…So much so that on Saturday, his little boy Josh called him and said “Daddy, Eva wants to talk to Miss Dawn” LOL…I was giddy…

Soooo fascinating for someone like me, who has never had kids, to watch the interaction of someon I love with his kids…Whole new perspectives opened up in me.

Beer tasting went well. Met a ton of new people…

And my third interview went pretty good. I havent heard anything yet, but I feel I have done all I can at this point…

So here I am. Home. Ready to get back to business, but today I am struggling…

Gotta few major decisions to make in my personal life, and work life is  very chaotic right now…So I am struggling today to do what it is I need to do…NOT EAT…And EXERCISE…

I have the reasons…Need to keep the motivation…I just seem to go to shit when I am under pressure…And I am trying hard not to allow that to happen.

So for this week, since I just came back from vacation, and am on a shortened week, my goals are fairly simple…But also, NOT UP FOR NEGOTIATION…

I must work out Tuesday through Saturday (Five days)

And I must walk at my lunch hour Tuesday through Friday (Four days)

I will weigh in Sunday for my Pink Ladies, and go from there.

Next week I want to institute all my old goals and add a few new ones…Little by little, I shall navigate these choppy waters of my life and try not to fall out of my little wobbly boat!

Oh…Okay…Lets be honest…It was more than half full!!! Gadzooks!

Buddies…

Last night I met my “Girls”. There are three of us.

You know those girls…Most of us have them…We have been together for ten years. Met through a former employer. As different as night and day, been through marriages, divorces, re-marriages, babies, the war (One of them had a son over there for a year!), job changes, etc…

And somehow, we have managed to remain close. We try hard to get together once a month at least. Last night was the night. I got the impromptu call on Tuesday to meet at our favorite Mexican place.

Now. I planned for it. Saved my calories. Etc.

But, what did I do??

Due to a VERY stressful work day, as soon as I got there I ordered a beer, and started eating the chips and pico de gallo…UGH…

Why?

I could not stop…Seriously…

I was on automatic pilot…Hand to basket. Finger to chip. Chip to mouth. Chewed up chip to belly…”Hello chip, I am belly…Nice to meet you…Wheres your buddy salsa??”

On and on…

Now. thats all I had for dinner…So there is that…

But, when I got home buddies. I was MISERABLE. I mean, I felt like I had eaten two Thanksgiving dinners. I wanted to blog about that feeling last night, but I was TOO FULL TO BLOG…

Egads!!

I hate that feeling now. Its sooo foreign to me, because in all honesty, I just dont over eat like that much now days…I used ot have that feeling DAILY almost…

Now, when I get it, I HATE IT. I want to die. I never want to eat again…

And it takes sooo little now days to get there…

I used to be able to pack away the food peeps…Really!

Now, even when I want too, I cant…

Sure, I ate three tons of chips last night, but back in the day, i would have eaten that PLUS dinner…

UGH…

Its soooo funny some of the changes that occur when you arent even looking on this journey…

That full feeling used to bring me comfort…

Now it brings me misery…

UGH…

Well, I am off today for my trip to Florida…Will be MIA until Monday…I am happy to report I look super cute today…I think the boyfriend will approve!!

Good luck to all my buddies and a special shout out to my Pink Ladies!!

Rock those scales girls!!!

So. One would think…After many many years on this journey, that I might have learned all there is to learn…

When, in reality, I have learned that we really never stop learning…Or, I should say, WE SHOULDNT…Some of us refuse to learn more…About love. Life. Relgion. Politics. And yep, even weight loss.

I am amazed some days, how much more I DO need to learn, because in many ways, I feel these last few years have taught me sooooo much about myself. Where I came from. Where I want to go.

I have learned much about what I want from life. What I am no longer willing to go without…I have learned about my strength…And yep, have learned LOTS about my weaknesses…

So. This week, as I buckled down and did some INTERNAL housekeeping, I learned, or rather, reconfirmed a notion I had tucked away some time ago…I DO MUCH BETTER ON THIS ROAD TO FITNESS WHEN I TAKE THE TIME TO PACK A HEALTHY LUNCH…

Not a news flash, right??? I knew this in some dark recess of my brain. But I ignored it…As one so often does…

Something else I have recently learned…I need to relearn my grocery shopping habits…

I am used to going once every three to four weeks…And what happens is that much of my food goes bad and I end up tossing most of my produce. Which makes packing my lunch difficult…This starts a vicious cycle then of me not packing lunch, then hitting teh vending machines at work or grabbing a bite out. Both things unacceptable on this journey for me.

So. I have, over the last few weeks, started shopping weekly. I hit the produce section first, and find things I know I will eat. Fruits. Veggies. Salad.

I hate parting with 40 or so bucks per week, but, its just a matter of re-learning my habits…40 per week is no different than 150 once in a while. Really.

So last night, after a long day at work, and an even longer evening at the eye doctor, I decided to just run to the store for a few things…

Well, a half hour later I leave with a ton of fresh fruit, veggies, bottled water, etc…

I didnt get home till well after 8. I was tired and crabby.

But this morning I had everything I needed to pack a nice healthy breakfast and lunch. I got up early to do so…

So…I just need to work on this. I am now aware. And have made it a goal of sorts. To shop on Saturday or Sunday, and then use Sunday as my “Prep” day for the week…

We will see how it goes! Baby steps…Mini goals…This is what I am doing right now to keep my life in balance…

Keep on learning buddies!!!

So…First off…Thank you to all of you who helped me during my little meltdown.

Your feedback and advice was read and processed.

I am doing my best to actually apply it! (Isnt that always the hardest part?)

So, I have a few things in my mind that I will work on. LITTLE goals as Catrina calls them. Today my goal was to walk at my lunch. And I have done that.

Sooo. I just need to clear the cobwebs and obsessive thoughts from my mind and focus on the good good good.

So, as previously mentioned, I am meeting my boyfriends kids this weekend for the first time. They are 4 and 6. A boy and a girl.

I am incredibly excited and happy. And also scared to death.

Why? Why would I be so scared of two little people, who by all accounts, are good kids.

I have 13 nieces and nephews and reign supreme and bask in the fact that I am the “FAVORITE AUNT” I am the fun aunt. The one that gets down on the floor with them and plays with the toys, colors, etc…

Even though I have no kids of my own, I have always wanted them. Always enjoyed them. And have always done well with them.

So what could be my problem??

Well. I am ashamed to even say it…Truly…

But because my self confidence is at its lowest point in over two years…I am scared to death that when they first meet me they are gonna say “Daddy, why is she fat?”

Yep. That is my fear.

And I could never blame them or get angry at them for stating a fact.

Its true. I am indeed fat. And in comparison to their mother, I am even fatter. She is 125 pounds and has never had a weight issue. Apparently, no one in her family does either…So the kids are not really surrounded by obesity or weight…And this worries me…

This doesnt bother me with the boyfriend for I know he loves me as I am. I have no doubts actually…But the kids…The kids are different.

Kids say what comes to mind. And I am trying to prepare for that. WHile at the same time NOT letting it stick in my brain…

I feel ridiculous. Last year this wouldnt have even been a thought to me. But because mentally, I am at a low right now, its all I can do to NOT obsess about it…UGH…

And then I think, so what, what if they do? I smile, and agree, and move on…

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…………

I think I need a padded cell this week buddies!!!

Okay…So…I guess I just dont handle stress and chaos well…

I mean, I am strong person, and always end up back on my feet, but in midst of change, I completely and UTTERLY freak out…Most of this is due to my OCD. My mind is a constant mess….

So, I am really in the middle of a break down here and I need some help, advice, whatever…

Approximately two weeks ago it started…

Prior to that, I was good. I was staying on track. I was on target. Motivated. Resolved. Etc.

Then, all of a sudden, several major life events happen, and its like everything I know to be true just falls out of my head. I lose ALL SIGHT of what my goal is. I have no outlet for my OCD or my stress.

My first reaction is to eat. ALWAYS. Even working out makes me want to eat. And I am sooo frustrated…

Briefly, as to not bore the reader, here is what is going on:

Long distance job search: I have had a very good hit from a nationally recognized company. On paper, I have EVERY skill they are asking for. And I have ten years of experience doing it. I had TWO hour long phone interviews with two separate groups. They flew me down and I had TWO face to face inteviews with two groups for a total of FIVE PEOPLE. I provided FIVE professional references, two of whom I KNOW they called. I also offered THREE supporting docs in the form of TWO letters of recommendation from previous bosses, and an award I won at my last job for outstanding achievment. NOW. This week I get a call saying they want me to come back and meet with ONE MORE PERSON…UGH…Really?? What more could they POSSIBLY need to know about me.

I will do it, because I need a job before I move, but buddies, the whole process is STRESSIN ME OUT. I had to go sink 75 dollars on a suit, because “Off line” I was told this is a pretty important person. I am also soooo not a suit gal…I have been wantin ONE for a while, for this purpose, but wanted to wait till I had lost more weight so its not a waste of money…

So..

On top of that, I am, in no particular order, dealing with this:

Meeting the boyfriends kids for the first time next weekend. This is a big deal to me. We have been dating for six months. I have NEVER dated a guy with kids, nor do I have them. Little people scare me…

Meeting a new large group of beer guys next weekend for the first time. (I think this is my self image issues here)

Looking for apartments and/or houses in the area I wish to relocate too.

Worrying about finances like crazy with a move upon me, airline tickets, clothes, housing assesories, etc.

Trying to find the cheapest safest way to transport my belongings from Ohio to Florida

Trying to figure out WHEN this will all go down (Soooo many unknowns!!!) Most of my major decisions are waiting for other things to fall into place…And, well, patience is not a virtue of mine…UGH…

Fighting with my insurance company and my hospital over a three hundred dollar bill that I have been fighting about since MAY…UGH.

Dealing with my CURRENT job as we upgrade to a new computer system and yearly open enrollment for benefits.

And finally, trying very hard, to remember why it is I am here, and why it is so important in the midst of all this, to eat healthy, and exercise daily…

But so far, I am failing miserably.

I am NOT a smoker, yet, out of desperation, I bought a pack this week. HOPING that having a cigarrette in my mouth would prevent me from putting FOOD in my mouth…

Is there any of you out there that can offer me any kind of advice to help me shut my brain down. Relax. And just learn to let go of those things I can not control??

I do know, in the end, I will end up where I need to be, and I will be okay. My history has proven this to me. But here, now, in the midst of all of it, I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel…

Than you all…

Good morning buddies!

Sorry I have been gone for a few days…Its been another little stressful time for me…Good stress, if there is such a thing…

As most of you know, I am diligently working on relocating from Ohio to Florida by years end…Well, this past Monday I had a job interview in Florida…I was up and gone ALL day from 4 a.m. until 11:30 p.m. In the airplane…In the airport…In the interview…UGH…

I havent heard back yet…But it was a long and stressful day…

I have definitely learned that I just dont have a creative outlet for stress yet…My first reaction is to eat…Or workout. And even when I work out, I often want to eat…UGH…

So I am still committed…Just struggling with how to stay on tasks when life starts to get chaotic…I am looking for a job. Looking for an apartment. Packing. Separating items between my Ex and myself. Trying to figure out how to move across the states…Etc…While still working here full time. All good things…Just having a hard time juggling all my priorities.

I have been watching the biggest loser. Thats very motivating.

I am getting to the gym about 4 days per week which is not as much as I want. I am still journalling my food, but instead of the 1300 I am shooting for, I seem to hit around 1500 per day…So, as you can see. I NEED SOME TWEAKING!!! Lol…

I still feel good overall tho…Loved your GOAL blog Catrina. Very inspiring! And Jo, Thank you so much for your continued “Off site” support…

I wanted to post these lyrics. Music is a big motivator for me in all aspects of my life. I love music…And for some reason, this song was running through my head this morning…Take care buddies!!!

“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”

FIX YOU-COLDPLAY

LOL!! Dont we looooooooooooove quickies!!!???

I am still here…Still getting things under control…I had a pretty loose week and I need to reign myself in…

Sitting here in my brand new jeans today, which fit, but are cutting into my stomach are a great CONSTANT and painful reminder of why I need to go to the gym tonight when I get home and NOT crawl into my pjs.

The weather has turned quite crisp here in Ohio and buddies, it is testing me big time. I confess…I did skip the gym last night and opted for my pjs…UGH…

Today, I shall be victorious!!!

Personally, my life is a bit chaotic right now, and a bit, ummm, “Unsettled?” I guess…

I will be able to share more next week, but it sure is making it hard to focus on ME…But I am still trying…

Read this article today. VERY interesting…Seems some things we all beleive, might not be so true after all!!

Take care buddies!!

http://health.msn.com/weight-loss/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100213228&GT1=32001