Emotional Blockage
You know. I love Oprah. Have watched her for YEARS…Followed all the UPS and DOWNS of her weight loss journey…
And I used to hear her and Bob Greene talking about “Something emotional” making us fat…And personally. I thought it was a crock…Truly. Never did buy into that…
I think now, I need to revisit my dismissal of that…
I have been reading a lot of blogs lately…So VERY HAPPY to see some long termers returned…Its nice to know that we are never as alone as we sometimes feel…
In September I will have been here for two years…WOW…I started my weight loss journey OFFICIALLY in January of 2004!! 2004!!! It has taken me much longer than I ever could have imagined…
I have felt like a failure more than once…And I have gotten back up, more than once…And here I am…Still trying…
It is my philosophy that as long as I keep getting up and trying, then I am still successful…
So, I have done a lot of analyzing here lately…(this is kinda what I do anyway)
See…I mean well. Truly. My plans always SOUND great…I just cant always execute them…
I know how to do this. I have done it. I know what I need to do. I know those feelings of fitting into things never before fitting into. The euphoria of being able to see your toes. Seeing pictures of yourself transformed. The compliments. The confidence. I know this all so well…And I loved it all…I lost 64 pounds…And worked for each one of those pounds…I have felt the success…
And the disappointment…
It is so easy to forget that…All of it, as you watch a few pounds creep back on. You see it. But you lie to yourself about it. And before you know it, you have regained 10, 20 or 30 of those darn pounds…And you feel awful…
Something has been holding me back for a year…A YEAR…From continuing my weight loss journey, and I could not put my finger on it.
I dont like being fat. Period. I know this. I HATE feeling stuffed into my clothes. Hate the way my face looks. My confidence has taken a giant nose dive. And I hate it.
But, I dont want to be thin bad enough.
I keep trying, and I keep failing…And I dont know why…
I think, after some examination, I have some emotional blockage. I havent figured out how to unblock it yet, but at least I feel like I have discovered what MIGHT be holding me back…
I was divorced in April. After a 16 year relationship. It was a relatively friendly divorce and I still talk to my ex every day…
And now, well, I am dating someone new…A very nice guy…
So, boo hoo, right? Whats the problem Dawn?
Well…
GUILT.
I think I have some tremondous guilt associated with the last year of my life…Now. I have talked to those around me. My ex has forgiven me for the heartache I caused him…But for some reason, I cant forgive myself…
I am horribly hard on myself…I am a bit of a perfectionist, so when I let myself down, I then beat myself up. Repeatedly…
There are days when I know I am a good person, with a kind heart, and well worth the love I receive. Then there are other days when I think WOW…You are a total Schmuck for doing that to him…
And now I have this new guy, who is completely awesome, and already thinks I am pretty groovy…And I should be soo happy, but there is something holding me back. I dont want him to love me…For I feel unworthy of it all…
There is a part of me that wonders, deep inside, if I am maybe self sabatouging myself because if I am fat, then I dont have to deal with anybody loving me, and therefore, breaking their hearts. For I have convinced myself I will hurt everyone who loves me…
Guilt. This same guilt almost killed me last year. Honestly. I had to go on medication to deal. Maybe its time to go back on it. I dont know…
I feel kind of lost. On the threshold of a new life. Wanting that new life, yet scared to let go of the old…
Fat me was safe me.
I think I am afraid to be thinner…Because when I lost this weight the first time, all hell seems to have broken lose…And maybe I am afraid that will happen again? I just dont know…
I know that I should be grateful. To be loved twice in one lifetime by two great guys is, well, remarkable…Some people dont even get one…
But I feel unworthy of that love right now…
So somehow, in the next few days, weeks, as I get myself sorted out, I have got to find a way to accept that the past is the past, and there is no going back…That I can only sincerely apologize and try to always do better. And that somehow, I have got to always strive to be the person, both inside and OUT that these folks love…
Somehow, I have got to learn to let go of the pain. The hurt. The guilt. The past…
I want to be worthy of that love again. I want to start my future…
I want to be that beautiful, kind, giving person I used to be…
Oh Dawnie. You need to love your self first. NO one is perfect, and I have been there, too. You ARE worthy, you DO deserve the best. That person is still there inside of you, she never left. Just got buried a little she will come back out if you let her. Hugs! Kama
Well, I’m sure whatever I write here may have nothing to do with you because maybe I’m missing whatever is going on with you but I’ll write it anyway. When I lost some weight I was really feeling good about myself. I mean really good. Confidence was up, feeling sexier and all that. So much so that I think it became somewhat “dangerous” feeling that way. Like maybe I started eyeballing a new life. I love my husband but something about this new confidence was really too much. I sometimes have to reel myself in and say woe, slow down. Even now. Is the guilt that you are feeling not only because you left a “good guy” but because he supported you through out your weight loss? Like, would you have divorced had you never lost a pound? If you felt in anyway that I have felt do you think that getting thinner again will make you want to eyeball another new life outside this new guy? All I know is that you made some changes in your weight and found something about yourself that wanted something more and the marriage ended. Happens all the time. And you will find someone else and so will he and there are good chances that everyone will live happily ever after. And you do deserve love girl. We all do. I think we were put on this earth to love and to be loved. I know this sounds silly but I admire Elizabeth Taylor for marrying 8 or 9 times. You know she has had to have been hurt over the years but she never gives up on love. And then she can look back at her life and say “I may have married many times and made mistakes but I did it for love and I lived my life.” Let go of the guilt girl. Life is too short. Let this guy love you. Just surrender to it. Enjoy life and love.
Wow! I have seen some of this with my buddies and relationships and losing weight. I have seen people split up. I have had buddies that started developing problems in their relationships with their significant others and just drop out of here. Do people really change that much when they lose weight? Aren’t they the same people in a smaller body? I know I am not trying to become a different person, I want to be the same person in a smaller body and healthier. I think some times I self sabatoge myself because I felt safer being heavier! I know this has been kind of rambly, but,
I just want to say, you are a wonderful person! You have been an inspiration to me!
Biggest HUGS!
Thanks guys…Would I have divorced him anyway?? I truly dont know…Losing the weight just opened up soooo many doors I had no idea exsisted…I did become a different person in ways. I became OUTSIDE what I always felt like INSIDE, and well, things just snowballed…I love him still…But not like I did…And he knows that…We will always be the best of friends…But yes, i am scared…Scared the same thing will happen with new guy. That I will lose weight, become another new person I dont recognize, and then add another notch to my life of guilt…Just feeling a bit scared right now…Which is ALSO a new feeling for me…UGH…I dont normally allow fear to control me…HATE that…