Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

You know. I love Oprah. Have watched her for YEARS…Followed all the UPS and DOWNS of her weight loss journey…

And I used to hear her and Bob Greene talking about “Something emotional” making us fat…And personally. I thought it was a crock…Truly. Never did buy into that…

I think now, I need to revisit my dismissal of that…

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately…So VERY HAPPY to see some long termers returned…Its nice to know that we are never as alone as we sometimes feel…

In September I will have been here for two years…WOW…I started my weight loss journey OFFICIALLY in January of 2004!! 2004!!! It has taken me much longer than I ever could have imagined…

I have felt like a failure more than once…And I have gotten back up, more than once…And here I am…Still trying…

It is my philosophy that as long as I keep getting up and trying, then I am still successful…

So, I have done a lot of analyzing here lately…(this is kinda what I do anyway)

See…I mean well. Truly. My plans always SOUND great…I just cant always execute them…

I know how to do this. I have done it. I know what I  need to do. I know those feelings of fitting into things never before fitting into. The euphoria of being able to see your toes. Seeing pictures of yourself transformed. The compliments. The confidence. I know this all so well…And I loved it all…I lost 64 pounds…And worked for each one of those pounds…I have felt the success…

And the disappointment…

It is so easy to forget that…All of it, as you watch a few pounds creep back on. You see it. But you lie to yourself about it. And before you know it, you have regained 10, 20 or 30 of those darn pounds…And you feel awful…

Something has been holding me back for a year…A YEAR…From continuing my weight loss journey, and I could not put my finger on it.

I dont like being fat. Period. I know this. I HATE feeling stuffed into my clothes. Hate the way my face looks. My confidence has taken a giant nose dive. And I hate it.

But, I dont want to be thin bad enough.

I keep trying, and I keep failing…And I dont know why…

I think, after some examination, I have some emotional blockage. I havent figured out how to unblock it yet, but at least I feel like I have discovered what MIGHT be holding me back…

I was divorced in April. After a 16 year relationship. It was a relatively friendly divorce and I still talk to my ex every day…

And now, well, I am dating someone new…A very nice guy…

So, boo hoo, right? Whats the problem Dawn?

Well…

GUILT.

I think I have some tremondous guilt associated with the last year of my life…Now. I have talked to those around me. My ex has forgiven me for the heartache I caused him…But for some reason, I cant forgive myself…

I am horribly hard on myself…I am a bit of a perfectionist, so when I let myself down, I then beat myself up. Repeatedly…

There are days when I know I am a good person, with a kind heart, and well worth the love I receive. Then there are other days when I think WOW…You are a total Schmuck for doing that to him…

And now I have this new guy, who is completely awesome, and already thinks I am pretty groovy…And I should be soo happy, but there is something holding me back. I dont want him to love me…For I feel unworthy of it all…

There is a part of me that wonders, deep inside, if I am maybe self  sabatouging myself because if I am fat, then I dont have to deal with anybody loving me, and therefore, breaking their hearts. For I have convinced myself I will hurt everyone who loves me…

Guilt. This same guilt almost killed me last year. Honestly. I had to go on medication to deal. Maybe its time to go back on it. I dont know…

I feel kind of lost. On the threshold of a new life. Wanting that new life, yet scared to let go of the old…

Fat me was safe me.

I think I am afraid to be thinner…Because when I lost this weight the first time, all hell seems to have broken lose…And maybe I am afraid that will happen again? I just dont know…

I know that I should be grateful. To be loved twice in one lifetime by two great guys is, well, remarkable…Some people dont even get one…

But I feel unworthy of that love right now…

So somehow, in the next few days, weeks, as I get myself sorted out, I have got to find a way to accept that the past is the past, and there is no going back…That I can only sincerely apologize and try to always do better. And that somehow, I have got to always strive to be the person, both inside and OUT that these folks love…

Somehow, I have got to learn to let go of the pain. The hurt. The guilt. The past…

I want to be worthy of that love again. I want to start my future…

I want to be that beautiful, kind, giving person I used to be…

“All signs point to yes!”

This is what it said. I swear it. And its rarely wrong, right?

So…Just when I had FINALLY found my weight loss mojo, Life, God, Mother Nature, whoever you wanna beleive is in charge…Says to me “Not so fast kid…”

I found out Monday, via an appointment with a Neuro Surgeon, that I have to have back surgery…UGH…

I have suffered severe back pain for years. I KNEW something was wrong. But my family doctor drug her feet. And stupid me did not demand any more…She kept telling me it was “Muscular” and there is nothing that could be done…

Well, this year has been hell for me. I had a bad back blowout in March. One of the worst ever where I actually could not walk or stand. I did this one morning by merely getting in my car…I was laid up for days…And I havent ever really recovered…

So for most of the last three months I have delt with chronic pain. Poppin pain pills by the dozens. Not working out like I want because it hurts. I cant sleep at night because my nerves are now affected and my leg, butt cheek, foot and toes tingle all night long…

Its made me very very crabby and depressed…

So FINALLY, in late May, I begged my doctor for an MRI…And sure enough, I have a serverely herniated disc. Degenerative Disc Disease. And arthritis in my spine…

Really?? Hmmm…I thought it was just muscular?

It is no wonder I have felt like I am 80…Ugh…

Back pain sucks. Period. And affects everything else you do.

So surgery is the option given due to the large size and the severity of the herniation. I saw the films myself, and it was all pretty gross…

So immediately, my OCD kicks in…(Who me??)

I am going to die on the table.

I am going to end up paralyzed.

I am going to gain back every single pound I lost in the last four years.

Seriously, that is what I am worried about…

My brain…I tell ya…Sometimes I could shoot my brain…

But. She encouraged me to get moving as soon as I can. Walking. The more active I am the faster I will heal. I cant run, or hit the gym vigorously, but she does encourage me to get moving…

Sooo…I am bummed. Scared. Nervous. Worried about being off for so long. Gaining weight…Etc…

But. I am also excited to MAYBE be pain free for the first time in years…And maybe I will feel sooo good when done that I can really hit the gym hard.

So.

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if I would be okay…And of course, it stated the answer I started off with…All signs point to yes…

I love my Magic 8 Ball…