Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

You know…Time is a funny thing…

We fight it in one form or another from the day we are born until the day we take our last breath…And it’s a useless fight. For time will always win…The one thing we should ALL know by now…Is that time continues…It was here before we were, and it will go on long after we are gone…

Nothing can stop it…

And yes, time is a healer…As we have all heard since we were little… “Time heals all wounds…” Its true…Scars remain…But the pain, does indeed, heal…

Five years ago today my life changed forever…It was a change I never expected…I never wanted…And it left me a far different person than it found me…

Five years ago today, my father died…

It was the end of a 57 year old life, and a 31 year relationship. One that was often filled with anger, tears and turmoil. For most of you who know me well, know, that my father and I had what can only be described as an on again off again relationship.

But…Its funny…With time, comes perspective…Understanding…Forgiveness…

It seems in retrospect, he was a better father than I ever gave him credit for. True. He was not the father I WANTED him to be…But he was the best father he knew how to be…And I have finally realized that. And I have chosen to forgive the missed birthdays. Holidays. School plays. Weekend visits…

And instead, I choose to remember these things…

Him calling us off school so we could go to work with him…Or taking us every year to Kings
Island with a friend. The endless nights of UNO. All the times he let us stay up late and watch HBO…Much to mom’s anger…(She would then have to deal with the after affects of letting your 6 year old watch the Exorcist or Invasion of the Body Snatchers!) LOL…All the movies he took me too…The Pepsi he would let me drink (Sorry mom!!)…ALL the happy memories of him at Buckeye Lake…Man…I truly could go on!!!

Do I miss him?

You bet. I miss him in ways I never thought…

I miss hearing him calling me Dawn Renee…For he was the ONLY person to ever call me by both my names…

I miss him yelling at me for something my sisters did.

I miss him complaining about his girlfriend. His brothers and sister.

I miss hearing him go on and on about his mother. And how wonderful she was.

I miss him telling me how much everything cost, and laugh as the figure grew and grew with each story telling…

I miss his smile…

His laughter…

I actually miss his bullshit…

I miss my dad…

I can’t believe five years has passed. For my life is so very different now than it was then…

You see, the night my father died changed me forever. I learned right then and there how very precious and short life can be. I didn’t get to tell him everything I wanted too…I didn’t get to say good bye…I didn’t get to apologize for not understanding him…I will never know if he knew how much I DID love him…I can only hope that he did…

And I decided THAT NIGHT to make changes…

And over the course of five years I did…I lost weight…And his death alone is responsible for that decision…For in his death, he reminded me of how unhealthy he had become…And quite frankly, I didn’t want to end up like him…I will fight this battle till the day I DIE, and I know he cheers me on from wherever he ended up…

I became a better, nicer person…I love quicker and deeper now…I am not afraid to tell people I love them. I show affection much more openly…I have become much closer to BOTH of my sisters…I changed jobs…I continued to do things that scared me just to prove I could do them…I have fallen in and out of love…And am not scared to love again…I try daily to live my life to the fullest…Doing things I love with people I love. I have surrounded myself with good, healthy, and happy people. I have eliminated a lot of the toxic ones…I started volunteering…I started doing 5 and 10k’s…

I fix what I can, and move on when I cant…

I forgive much easier now.

And I always. Always strive to find the good in EVERY SITUATION…Even when it’s a dark one…

Which is why I wrote this blog. For it was through the death of my father, that I became the woman I am today. And I like her very very much. Without his death, I would not be…

There are days when I don’t even recognize the woman I was then…And I wonder, often, what he would have to say about the last five years of my life…

And so, I could go on and on about how depressed I was here and there. All the tears I cried with my sister. All the “What ifs”…I could…

But I am not…

I am going to simply state, as I did above, what good things his death brought…

I got to see my father the night before he died…For that I will ALWAYS be grateful. I got to visit him in the hospital and tell him of my promotion at work. I got to hear him utter the words “Dawn, I am sooo proud of you!”

I remember him walking me to the elevator that night. Saying “You’re tired sweetheart…Go home. Drive safely, and I will talk to you tomorrow”.

I remember looking back as I was getting on the elevator, and he was standing at the window looking out…Very mellow…Very much in his own head at that point…I had no idea that would be the last time I would ever see him a live…But it’s a nice memory…And I am grateful for it.

The following day…The day of his death…A Friday…He called me THREE times at work to chat…This was soooo out of character for him…I remember even saying something to Jen who I shared an office with at the time… “Man, my dad will not leave me alone today!!!” and we kind of laughed about it…I didn’t understand it then…Now I have to wonder if he somehow knew…

The last call came at 2 in the afternoon…

He was soooo happy he had reached my older sister and made amends with her…He wanted to also tell me that they were releasing him from the hospital the next day…

I can remember his last words as if they were being whispered in my ear as I type this. “Have a good day Dawn. I love you and will see you on Sunday.”

By 4:30 Friday evening, my father was gone. Just like that…

I got the call from my sister…I had been out with Steve celebrating my promotion. I had very stupidly turned my cell phone off. No one could reach me. They had been trying to find me for two hours…

I remember picking up the phone and hearing only this “Dad’s dead”. I remember being in total and utter disbelief and shock. I remember being angry at my sister. I thought she was playing a horrible horrible joke on me. I remember dropping to the floor…Dropping the phone…And I remember SOMEHOW Steve getting me to the car and down to the hospital…I remember crying more than I ever thought a body could…

That night I choose not to remember. It was the saddest. Longest night of my life. I t was a horrible horrible night…

And now its been five years. Fights over headstones. Wills. Money. Possessions …Those are all done now…(THANK GOD!!!)

Now…

Now I am free to simply reflect on my dad…

To remember him how I want too…

To love him like I want too…

So to you dad I say this…I miss you today as much as I did five years ago…I am sorry for not telling you then how much I loved you. I am sorry for NOT telling you all the good things you did for me…I am sorry for not speaking to you for two years…What a waste of time that was…Your death has taught me many more lessons than your life ever could. And for that I am grateful…

I love you dad…

And I miss you much…

Love Always-

Your Dawn Renee