Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

Okay…So I think I have formulated a plan…

This is how I roll…

I am typically a big picture kinda gal…Always need a plan…

So I have been trying to find my way back to the motivation weight loss revolution…And have sadly failed…

Analyzed it to death…

Discussed it amongst my closest friends…

And I have no answers really as to whats keeping me imobile…

I am happy…Life is basically good.

And while I am proud of maintaining 75% of my weight loss, I am simply not happy with how I look.

I went to a beer tasting last night where there were two other beer gals there…Both in their mid 20’s. One, PROBABLY a size 2, the other, taller, but probably an 8 tops…

I felt like the proverbial elephant in the room…

This was the first time in a long time where my confidence was at an all time low…UGH…

For the last two years, even on bad days, I was able to maintain my confidence…

Last night, not so much…

I feel like I kind of just faded into the couch when sitting next to these two…

I HATE THAT FEELING…For I know inside I am a strong, beautiful, sexxxy woman…UGH…

So. Its time.

The only one to blame is me.

The only one that can fix me, is me.

So.

I made a plan.

I have not exercised regularly in WEEKS.

Have not counted calories in MONTHS.

Have not journaled in MONTHS.

BAD BAD BAD.

These are all key elements to my success…

So. I am bringing them all back today.

And instead of my usual BIG PICTURE GLOBAL THINKING…

I am thinking smaller…Baby steps…One freakin day at a time…

I am giving myself a two month goal. Two months from today. August 30th.

Two months. 60 days. However I need…

Surely, TWO MONTHS sounds MUCH better than LIFETIME…

For the next two months I will:

• Journal EVERY DAY every morsel good or bad in my mouth.
• I will stay 100% on plan (1200-1300 calories) Monday through Friday
• I will shoot for 75% on the weekends
• I will exercise for a MINIMUM of 45 minutes 5 days a week
• I will blog at least once a week.

These are all things I can do.

These are all things I USED to do.

This is NOT new, unchartered territory…

But, I think to myself, SURLY I can go without for two months…That is nothing…

And at the end, if I stick to my plan, there is no reason why I should not be down a minimum of 10 pounds and GOD WILLING more…

Here I go…

Baby steps…

Wish me well…

You know…Time is a funny thing…

We fight it in one form or another from the day we are born until the day we take our last breath…And it’s a useless fight. For time will always win…The one thing we should ALL know by now…Is that time continues…It was here before we were, and it will go on long after we are gone…

Nothing can stop it…

And yes, time is a healer…As we have all heard since we were little… “Time heals all wounds…” Its true…Scars remain…But the pain, does indeed, heal…

Five years ago today my life changed forever…It was a change I never expected…I never wanted…And it left me a far different person than it found me…

Five years ago today, my father died…

It was the end of a 57 year old life, and a 31 year relationship. One that was often filled with anger, tears and turmoil. For most of you who know me well, know, that my father and I had what can only be described as an on again off again relationship.

But…Its funny…With time, comes perspective…Understanding…Forgiveness…

It seems in retrospect, he was a better father than I ever gave him credit for. True. He was not the father I WANTED him to be…But he was the best father he knew how to be…And I have finally realized that. And I have chosen to forgive the missed birthdays. Holidays. School plays. Weekend visits…

And instead, I choose to remember these things…

Him calling us off school so we could go to work with him…Or taking us every year to Kings
Island with a friend. The endless nights of UNO. All the times he let us stay up late and watch HBO…Much to mom’s anger…(She would then have to deal with the after affects of letting your 6 year old watch the Exorcist or Invasion of the Body Snatchers!) LOL…All the movies he took me too…The Pepsi he would let me drink (Sorry mom!!)…ALL the happy memories of him at Buckeye Lake…Man…I truly could go on!!!

Do I miss him?

You bet. I miss him in ways I never thought…

I miss hearing him calling me Dawn Renee…For he was the ONLY person to ever call me by both my names…

I miss him yelling at me for something my sisters did.

I miss him complaining about his girlfriend. His brothers and sister.

I miss hearing him go on and on about his mother. And how wonderful she was.

I miss him telling me how much everything cost, and laugh as the figure grew and grew with each story telling…

I miss his smile…

His laughter…

I actually miss his bullshit…

I miss my dad…

I can’t believe five years has passed. For my life is so very different now than it was then…

You see, the night my father died changed me forever. I learned right then and there how very precious and short life can be. I didn’t get to tell him everything I wanted too…I didn’t get to say good bye…I didn’t get to apologize for not understanding him…I will never know if he knew how much I DID love him…I can only hope that he did…

And I decided THAT NIGHT to make changes…

And over the course of five years I did…I lost weight…And his death alone is responsible for that decision…For in his death, he reminded me of how unhealthy he had become…And quite frankly, I didn’t want to end up like him…I will fight this battle till the day I DIE, and I know he cheers me on from wherever he ended up…

I became a better, nicer person…I love quicker and deeper now…I am not afraid to tell people I love them. I show affection much more openly…I have become much closer to BOTH of my sisters…I changed jobs…I continued to do things that scared me just to prove I could do them…I have fallen in and out of love…And am not scared to love again…I try daily to live my life to the fullest…Doing things I love with people I love. I have surrounded myself with good, healthy, and happy people. I have eliminated a lot of the toxic ones…I started volunteering…I started doing 5 and 10k’s…

I fix what I can, and move on when I cant…

I forgive much easier now.

And I always. Always strive to find the good in EVERY SITUATION…Even when it’s a dark one…

Which is why I wrote this blog. For it was through the death of my father, that I became the woman I am today. And I like her very very much. Without his death, I would not be…

There are days when I don’t even recognize the woman I was then…And I wonder, often, what he would have to say about the last five years of my life…

And so, I could go on and on about how depressed I was here and there. All the tears I cried with my sister. All the “What ifs”…I could…

But I am not…

I am going to simply state, as I did above, what good things his death brought…

I got to see my father the night before he died…For that I will ALWAYS be grateful. I got to visit him in the hospital and tell him of my promotion at work. I got to hear him utter the words “Dawn, I am sooo proud of you!”

I remember him walking me to the elevator that night. Saying “You’re tired sweetheart…Go home. Drive safely, and I will talk to you tomorrow”.

I remember looking back as I was getting on the elevator, and he was standing at the window looking out…Very mellow…Very much in his own head at that point…I had no idea that would be the last time I would ever see him a live…But it’s a nice memory…And I am grateful for it.

The following day…The day of his death…A Friday…He called me THREE times at work to chat…This was soooo out of character for him…I remember even saying something to Jen who I shared an office with at the time… “Man, my dad will not leave me alone today!!!” and we kind of laughed about it…I didn’t understand it then…Now I have to wonder if he somehow knew…

The last call came at 2 in the afternoon…

He was soooo happy he had reached my older sister and made amends with her…He wanted to also tell me that they were releasing him from the hospital the next day…

I can remember his last words as if they were being whispered in my ear as I type this. “Have a good day Dawn. I love you and will see you on Sunday.”

By 4:30 Friday evening, my father was gone. Just like that…

I got the call from my sister…I had been out with Steve celebrating my promotion. I had very stupidly turned my cell phone off. No one could reach me. They had been trying to find me for two hours…

I remember picking up the phone and hearing only this “Dad’s dead”. I remember being in total and utter disbelief and shock. I remember being angry at my sister. I thought she was playing a horrible horrible joke on me. I remember dropping to the floor…Dropping the phone…And I remember SOMEHOW Steve getting me to the car and down to the hospital…I remember crying more than I ever thought a body could…

That night I choose not to remember. It was the saddest. Longest night of my life. I t was a horrible horrible night…

And now its been five years. Fights over headstones. Wills. Money. Possessions …Those are all done now…(THANK GOD!!!)

Now…

Now I am free to simply reflect on my dad…

To remember him how I want too…

To love him like I want too…

So to you dad I say this…I miss you today as much as I did five years ago…I am sorry for not telling you then how much I loved you. I am sorry for NOT telling you all the good things you did for me…I am sorry for not speaking to you for two years…What a waste of time that was…Your death has taught me many more lessons than your life ever could. And for that I am grateful…

I love you dad…

And I miss you much…

Love Always-

Your Dawn Renee

Well. I am here…Three days in a row…

This is big for me.

I used to come to this site daily. Several times a day. Actually, I was more than a bit obsessed with it.

And I was the most successful then.

I lost 32 pounds in four months on this site.

Then I fell off the freakin wagon.

Been trying to find me a new wagon for the better part of a year.

Recently, while describing some life acheivments to a friend. I said “I have pretty much accomplished everything I set out to do…With the exception of my weight loss…”

I think that, more than anything, brought me back here…

I dont want to be a failure. Its not in my nature. I am an acheiver. A perfectionist. A go getter…

The other thing. The death of my father.

Tomorrow is the five year anniversary of his death. That means I have been fighting this battle for four and a half years. For it was his death that put me on this path in January of 2004. That is wayyyyy too long…UGH…

So here I am. I have no plan. Baby steps. I have promised myself to come out here every day, and as time permits, I will blog, read blogs, respond to blogs, and maybe just maybe, participate in the forums. In that order.

Thanks to Stephanie who commented on my last blog…

She mentioned feeling something pulling her back. I feel that too.

I kept thinking it was the demise of my marriage that was holding me back. That once I got that cleanned up, I would be able to take on the world.

Well. The divorce was final April 2nd. My ex and I get a long fine and both of us are more at peace than ever before.

I am happy. Peacefull.

I have even met a new guy. A real sweetheart…

But something inside that I can not pinpoint seems to be holding me back from moving forward…I have no idea, truly, what it could be.

As stated. I know how to do it. I have done it. I was successful at it. I am still proud of the loss I maintained. But I dont know how to get rid of the 15 pounds I regained and continue to loose down to my goal. I just seem to have no motivation or passion…And I have no idea where to look or how to find it…

Ugh…

Take care and good luck!

WOW…

Its been awhile…Again…

Finally logged on here yesterday for the first time in a long time. And I barely recognize anyone…

I have been a memeber of this site for almost two years…And soooo many people have faded away…Makes me sad…Yet, strangely…I understand…

 Mary? Nikki? Erika??? Catrina? Gosh I would like to know whats going on in your worlds….

Some of my oldest and best buddies have actually deleted their entire profiles? Scott?

 WOW…Times sure did change…

I do see some familiar faces though…Miss Jo…I love Jo…For she keeps going…Keeps trying…Therefore she is a true success story…I have a lot to catch up with you on girl…

I see Wonder Woman is still going strong…And Kama…True inspirations…

 And sooooo many new names and faces…Going to take me a while to reaquaint myself to you all…

I can best be put into the same category as Jo…I keep trying…Not very successful lately…But I keep trying…

For this weight loss battle is just one that I keep trying to fight…I have moments of success…Victories…And then I have many many many failures…And I dont get it…

 I know what to do.

I know HOW to do it.

I have more to live for now than ever before.

Yet, I cant seem to move forward. And I have no idea why.

I have lost my passion and motivation for it. And I cant seem to find it. Yet, I know I dont like what I see…

Interstingly enough…The thing that brought me back to this site today was a closet mishap…

I went to hang my clean clothes last night and the entrie shelf in my closet came crashing down…UGH…What a mess…

But while pulling things out I found no less than 15 items of BRAND NEW CLOTHING. Capri’s. Jeans. Tops. Size 14. Bought last spring when I was reaching the 170’s. Bought with pride and excitement.

Do I need to tell you they still have the tags on them??? UGH…

I have blogged about my regain and my struggle to lose it. I am still struggling…

The only light at the end of the tunnel has been on a recent week vacation to Florida (My first ever visit to that state) I actually managed to lose 6 pounds! That has NEVER happened on vacation.

But here I am…Trying to figure out where to go and how to get tehre…

So I thought I would pop in and say hi…See what everyone is up to.

I am going to try to get myself back here. For I was the most successful when I was on this site daily…And I know this…I think I am just soooo disappointed in myself, it became to hard to come out here every day…

But I know I need this…So, much like Jo, I too will continue to try…

Take care all the new and old buddies out here!! AND MUCH SUCCESS TO YOU ALL!!!!