Of Open Doors and New Begginings…
Comments(8) Well. Here I am…
For the first time in almost 16 years. I am a single gal…
At approximately 11 a.m. this morning, in Franklin County, Ohio, a very kind judge, ruled my marriage was indeed over…
WOW…
It has been a roller coaster of a ride…
Almost two years in the making…
Throughout those two years, there were bucketfuls of tears shed. By both of us. Harmful words spoken. By both of us. Hurtful actions made. By both of us. There were talks upon talks. Together. With a counselor. Words and more words…
Then there was a long, quiet, calm period…The wait…
All and all, the “Wait” went well. We co existed peacefully…Yet somehow both withdrew into ourselves and our own circle…Somehow making it easier…And somehow, making it harder…
Yesterday, as the eve of my divorce drew near, I confess to a mini panic attack…My mind going everywhere, and sadly, nowhere…
Truly, if it hadnt been for my sister Angie. My mother, Lynda, and two of my dearest friends, Brian and Jen, I doubt I would have made it through.
Let me tell you this…You find out who your true friends are in moments of extreme trials and tribulations…Of that, I am fully confident…
I am surprised at those who have stepped forward…And saddened by a few who have not…
This morning I awoke to a stomach full of nerves. A few doubts, and a whole heck of a lot of pain and sadness…And I cried. For almost an hour straight, I cried…
I cried for the young couple that was Steve and Dawn many many years ago. That met. Fell in love. And were determined to have a good strong marriage…
I cried for the babies that we lost. Together. The beloved pets that we lost. Together. The parent that we lost. Together.
I cried for the love that used to be there, but somehow slipped away…
And I cried for the hurt and pain I had caused the one man who has been by my side more consistantly then any other man in my life…
I cried as hard this morning, as I did almost five years ago when my father passed away…For today was truly a death, just as that was. And all deaths must be mourned…And each person mourns in their own way…
And while I cried…The one man who has always stood beside me, held me, and let me cry…
And thats what makes this sooo hard for sooo many people to understand…There is no real bad guy here…He is not an ass. And I am not a bitch…And in a divorce, people want someone to blame…
The truth of the matter is…We BOTH allowed ourselves to get here. We BOTH tried very hard to save it…And we BOTH agreed, to some degree, that we could not find a solution…And we could not continue on as we were…
Which brings us to today…And the wonder of it all…Just HOW DID we get here???
Somedays I think I know…And somedays I have no freaking clue…
For Steve and I have always been, the best of friends…
And I am proud to say we handled our divorce the same way we handled our marriage…With LOVE. Intelligence. Friendship. RESPECT. And even some laughter…
So I am sure this is not the typical post divorce blog…And I am quite okay with that.
For I have always been an unusual gal…Who married an unusual man, and together we tried hard to have the unusual marriage…So it makes perfect sense to us, that our divorce be just as odd…And indeed, it was…
We were divorced…Then headed out to lunch together, holding hands, and even laughing a bit…
For my marriage may have ended…For reasons that are known between he and I. And understood, between he and I, but the friendship does not just end…
I have known this man since I was a 20 year old girl…With him, I have grown to be a woman. A fun, intelligent, witty, charming, and slightly wacky woman…
It is not in my nature to just abandon that friendship…
So, today, I gently closed the door on a 16 year relationship…
And I stare now at many many doors that are in front of me…
The sun is shinning…
The sky is blue…
And somehow I just know, somewhere, deep within myself, that not only did I do what HAD to be done…Something that was the hardest thing I have ever HAD to do…Something I have thought this WHOLE time I had done alone…I now realize I was not EVER alone…
For several people were placed in my path, every step of the way to offer love, friendship, and support in different ways…And I am grateful…
And, somehow, I know…No matter what door I choose to open…
I am going to be okay…
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power” ~Alan Cohen
