DEFECTIVE-Return to Sender!!!
There are days, when I truly feel like stamping this on my forehead…
Folding myself up into a little (Okay, BIG) box…Covering myself in bubble wrap and packing peanuts, and shipping myself BACK to my maker…
“To whom it may concern…This 1972 DAWN model has become defective. Please correct all imperfections immediately, or refund my life in full…”
Can you imagine the Returns Department in heaven if we could do such things?? Gadzooks!!!!
There are days when I will say, or do something so incredibly stupid, when something will fly out of my mouth so quickly, that seems to have come from some dark recess of my brain (Or in most cases, doesn’t seem like it even ran through my brain) that I am left speechless with myself…
There are days when I, myself, don’t understand me…And I look upon myself, or my actions, with awe and disbelief…And I say to myself, “Who in the hell ARE you?? And where in the hell did you come from?” These are the days I wish I could send myself back… I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately…Trying to sort things out again. Trying to get a jump start on 2008…Planning…Most of you who know me, know that I am a planner…DAWNIE ALWAYS NEEDS A PLAN…(She doesn’t always get it though!) I am unhappy currently with myself. And this is something I truly haven’t been in a while…
I have, through the good and bad times, always been mostly happy with myself…Always felt inside, where it matters, I was a good egg… I think this egg might have started to turn rotten…(Where is Templeton the Rat when you need him? Charlottes Web reference for those of you not familiar!)
While wadding through the muck of my life last year, I kind of lost site of my main goal…Which was to always live the best life I can live…To be a good, true, honest person…To make this world a bit better by simply being in it…
I did this many ways. Making people laugh. Picking people up. Helping people out. Volunteering. Heck, in a way, coming out here and blogging all last year helped people…
I kind of lost that…All of it…And it has finally come to land in my heart…And it weighs heavy…
One of my favorite authors to quote, is Maya Angelou…She just gets it right…And this is one of my favorites:
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain”
I find myself complaining a lot these days…And I cringe…
I find I can not handle stressors like I used too…
I find I am angry more then peaceful these days…
I find I have forgotten how to laugh spontaneously…
I find I have forgotten how to simply love just being with people I love…
I find I have forgotten how to be at peace with myself…
I find I have simply forgotten how to be me…
I am not happy with some areas in my life. And it is beyond time I change them…To get back to good…
I want to be good egg! Hell, I want to be a GREAT, Grade A quality, cage free, 100% organic egg!! (You know, the REALLY expensive ones!!) THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO BE!!!!!!
Starting with my weight…
It continually amazes me. And it really shouldn’t by this point, how self image affects ALL OTHER ASPECTS of your life…
Last year, I was losing weight steadily. In complete control of my weight loss journey, and I felt great. Confident. Happy. HEALTHY. Sexy…Nothing or no one could touch me…
I attracted soooo much good to me because of the positive energy I put out! It was awesome. A sight to behold!!! Since I regained a few pounds (Okay. 15 to be exact) I have felt horrible…
And its not so much about the weight, for I am still proud of my weight loss achievements, but I don’t like how these 15 pounds make me feel…Sluggish…Frumpy…Shy…Reserved…I just don’t like it…That’s not the me I want to be. So that has been moved to the absolute TOP of my priority list…
I am currently in a heated, head to head, combat with my fat demons…I think I lost a battle or two, but the war rages on, and I am confident that I will arise victorious out of the ashes someday soon…
Like the glorious phoenix I know myself to be inside…
The other thing I am working on is PEACE…
Life is full of trama, drama and turmoil…For all of us…But its how we handle it that makes all the difference…
When you are a stubborn and passionate person, such as myself, it is hard NOT to want to cry, yell, scream and curse when things upset you…But that’s not a good way to handle things…
So, as I continue to deal with my ever changing life. My pending divorce. The complete rearranging of my life and my family, I am going to strive to be PEACEFUL…
How I am going to do this I do not yet know. But I do believe being aware of it, and wanting it, are the first steps to achieving it…
I have a lot of work ahead of me…For sure…
There will be GOLD STAR moments…And there will be moments where I fail miserably… But I can not stop trying… Trying to be healthy and thinner… Trying to be peaceful and calm… Trying to be all that I was meant to be…
I must never give up the battle for the life I feel I need and deserve to live… For if I did, my soul would die… And a dead soul is a very sad sight indeed…
“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.” ~Maya Angelou
WOW! I can completely relate to what you said. It is difficult to not give in and grow lax in your efforts to tend to yourself. I think we are programmed from a very young age (mainly women) to care for everyone else and their needs instead of focusing on our own. A friend keeps reminding me though that you need to put the oxygen mask on you first. (plane reference) You need to have your strength, sanity, and courage to be able to help yourself before you can help others. Thank you for such an awesome blog!
I loved reading this blog. It hits home in so many areas. The best thing I read in the whole thing is that you have not given up. Never, EVER, EVER give up. Adversity makes us stronger and we CAN get through it, every single time… if we don’t give up and settle for less.
We all tend to hit that spot in our lives when things are going so well, and then boom, and we sit back and scratch our heads and say “what happened?”
When that happens to me, it’s usually that I’m letting one thing get out of balance…. physical, emotional, or spiritual…
I love your attidue Dawn, and I love how your mind thinks.
You’re one splendid egg indeed!
Hugggggggggggs,
Shan
Well. wouldn’t you know…I wrote a long heartfelt rah, rah , reply to this great blog of yours and somehow deleted the whole blasted thing….now who’s the defective one! I am definately past my best before date today! Hang in there girl. You’ll find peace. I’ll write you again when my fingers and brain decide to work together !
You are a good egg Dawn, personally I like the EggLands Best eggs….they have a little red EB stamped on them…my initials.
Off the point.
You want to talk about doing something stupid? last week I actually stood infront of my front door, pushing the unlock button on my car keys.
Not only did I do it once, but twice and proceeded to call it a piece of shit for not working before I realized that I was trying to open my house and not a car door.
You are a good egg!
by the way, what happened to the plans to come visit me?
15lbs on?
you’ve lost it before…… you can lose it again.
hell you can lose more!!
keep it up girl. you’ve done SO WELL. and every lb you’ve lost and every thought going through you mind is worth the effort it took to do.
so dont be negative.. but take a more positive approach.. and you’ll see yourself as the good egg you are and always were.
x
there must be something to eggs right now, i ate them twice this week and i don’t usually eat eggs, and i am reading a funny book in which Humpty Dumpty’s death is being investigated. Okay, very
off topic, but that is me!
Dawn, I really love reading your blogs, your thoughtfulness and truthfulness always shine through as does your humor. I don’t know you so well but even i can see that you are right, you are a good egg. MAybe it’s been hiding for a little while, maybe the regained 15 is keeping you from yourself, or maybe you’re just in a slump. It is so hard to see the good in ourselves and our lives when we feel like shit. I am so glad you are coming out of it and coming to be the you you want to be. I am sure you can do anything you want. I can’t help wondering, too, how to maintain happy even when the weight isn’t maintained. We all need a little of that - yes?
We are not defective, only human. I had to realize this, too. I’m still trying too. Thanks for your honesty, hugs to you,Kama
Dawnie, you know very well that I FEEL you, completely, wholeheartedly. I believe that you know deep within your heart and your soul that you are a good person, who like me, lost a bit of focus along the way. The thing is…like I have discovered, the very core of who we are still lives within us…so it’s time to take time out for self and do some serious inventory of where we’ve been, where our decisions in the past have affected our present…we need to take ACTION NOW and move forward, into the shiny bright future we badly wish for and so deserve.
We continue to grow as individuals and we have to accomodate the changes our lives bring us. It’s like I said in my blog…it’s about broken dreams and aspiration, but more importantly it’s about the NEED and the WANT to take advantage of the greatest gift God has ever given us—LIFE!!
I know you will find yourself…people like us…we never give up. We may stumble and fall, but in due time, we pick ourselves up and move forward!
Love reading your post, I think we can all relate to those feelings at times. I am not going to give you a “oh, come one you are a good egg” speech. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is just write what you just wrote….true feelings, thoughts and frustrations. Thanks again for writing what so many of us want to say to ourselves…yet the key, I think, is to use those true feelings to motivate us and not to make us feel less of ourselves….so true feels; yes…now what are we going to do with that?
Keep working,
gary