Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

Hello buddies…Sorry to be MIA for a bit. I have been sick…And its kicking my butt…I am also getting read to travel for work out to California (San Francisco) again…UGh. I am excited. Just always sooo much to do…

Anyway. Something happened last night that has had me pondering of course…

I met a new person last night. This is someone who found me on myspace. He was struck by my weight loss.

I have chatted with him for about a month, and he invited me to hang out last night. So I did…

Now. I had seen pictures of him, and I knew he was a larger guy. And I know, due to our talks, that he is desparately trying to lose weight…

So. With all that said, when he got out of the car, I will admit, I was taken aback.

This gentleman was indeed a big guy…I would say close to 500 pounds…Give or take.

This is not weight thats easily hidden…This is not someone who melts into a crowd…

I hung out with him for several hours. And I was incredibly sad by the end of the night. For him. People were cruel. In my head, perhaps, I was cruel.

Now. Before you start emailing me nasty emails or leaving not so kind comments on my blog about how anti fat people I am…Please take note…I have been MORBIDLY OBESE and I still am FAT…So I get it, okay???

 He was a super sweet guy, and his appearance is not neccessarily the point of this blog…

After hanging out with him all night. Walking. Eating. Sitting at a sporting event. What meeting this person did for me, was remind me that I dont want to be fat anymore…

I am not here to make fun of him by any means. Or point out the obvious. He knows he is Obese. And he is working on it. And for that, I am glad…And I will help him in any way I can…

But walking with him, I had a HUGE reality check…

Several times I had to slow my gait for him…While in the parking garage, instead of walking up a level, he had to take the elevator…He was out of breath within seconds of leaving the car…At the sporting event, I truly dont know how he fit in the seat, and he had to get up several times to adjust because his circulation is bad…

Now…I say this because it has been a long long time since I have experienced any of this…Either by myslef or with another person…

I say this ALSO because I USED TO BE HIM!!! Maybe not exactly, but close. I used to get out of breath sooo easily. Sweating. Red faced. Breathing hard. Hated walking anywhere. It sucked…

Used to have trouble fitting into seats…Wearing seatbelts, etc…I have been there. Maybe not as severe as him, but I have been there…

Its been soooo long (Four years) since I have been there that I had forgotten what true, severe, obesity looks like…

Not, hey, I wanna lose 20 pounds to look good in a swimsuit…But people who truly have a long long road ahead of them. It put my life in perspective big time…

30 pounds?? This should be nothing for me to lose…And I need to just do it and get it done…

And at the of the night, I realized two things…

I dont want to be him, or my old self, ever again…

And I dont know that I could ever have a close relationship with an inactive person again.

And by that, I mean, it has now become second nature to me to take the stairs. To walk everywehre…I was litterally ITCHING to walk up the stairs last night. Didnt like the elevator…

Yes. I am still fat. I still have 30 pounds to lose. But, because I work out consistently, I no longer, even fat, have the health issues I used to…

This is why I posted today. Not to point out his flaws, even though I know to some of you thats exactly what I have done…

It was more to put MY life in perspective…

If I never lose another pound, I am still successful, because I took myself from that out of shape morbidly obese girl to this girl who you see that runs and walks marathons…

BUT…

I DO want to lose more…Seeing him last night struggling just to breath, I know in my heart I dont want weight to be the death of me…Too many other things out there that will get me…Out of my control…

This one I can control…And I chose to take control of it…Sooner rather than later…

Okay. So I have been pondering this of late…

In the last two years of my life, I have found that I increasingly turn to the internet to meet some of my needs…

Obviously, this website is one. I am also on myspace. And on my beer website. I have formed, what I feel, are true, legitimate, friendships with many faceless people…

How can that be??

How can you feel so utterly and completely connected to another individual when you have never met??

Now. Dont get me wrong. I do have a nice large network of “Real” people in my life. And I adore them. And I do, on every occasion I can, try to meet some people that I have connected with…

But I wonder why it is, that it often seems easier to bond with a stranger over a mutual interest, then it is the people in our own life?? Maybe becasue we are concentrated in one area? Maybe because we are protected by our computer screens? I know not…

I will, in April, be going to a large “Beer” event and meeting litterally HUNDREDS of people…Many of who I have met on line or chatted with. I am so incredibly excited and can not wait to meet people who share a similar hobby with me…

And as I make plans, and chat,  I find myself just jubilant that these strangers will be strangers no more…

Its those moments when I am so thankful I live in the century I do…For I am meeting people that I otherwise would never have known existed…

Well, anyway…

Onto the weight loss stuff…Just finished my third full week of low fatness…I was not incredibly sold on it last week…

This week, the scale was down four pounds…

FOUR POUNDS. First real weight loss I have had in MONTHS. So I think I will stick with this for a while and see how it goes…

I want to lose 10-15 pounds by end of April…

We will see…

Take care buddies and have a great weekend!!!

There are days, when I truly feel like stamping this on my forehead… 

Folding myself up into a little (Okay, BIG) box…Covering myself in bubble wrap and packing peanuts, and shipping myself BACK to my maker… 

 “To whom it may concern…This 1972 DAWN model has become defective. Please correct all imperfections immediately, or refund my life in full…” 

Can you imagine the Returns Department in heaven if we could do such things?? Gadzooks!!!! 

There are days when I will say, or do something so incredibly stupid, when something will fly out of my mouth so quickly, that seems to have come from some dark recess of my brain (Or in most cases, doesn’t seem like it even ran through my brain) that I am left speechless with myself… 

There are days when I, myself, don’t understand me…And I look upon myself, or my actions, with awe and disbelief…And I say to myself, “Who in the hell ARE you?? And where in the hell did you come from?”  These are the days I wish I could send myself back…  I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately…Trying to sort things out again. Trying to get a jump start on 2008…Planning…Most of you who know me, know that I am a planner…DAWNIE ALWAYS NEEDS A PLAN…(She doesn’t always get it though!)  I am unhappy currently with myself. And this is something I truly haven’t been in a while… 

I have, through the good and bad times, always been mostly happy with myself…Always felt inside, where it matters, I was a good egg… I think this egg might have started to turn rotten…(Where is Templeton the Rat when you need him? Charlottes Web reference for those of you not familiar!)

While wadding through the muck of my life last year, I kind of lost site of my main goal…Which was to always live the best life I can live…To be a good, true, honest person…To make this world a bit better by simply being in it… 

I did this many ways. Making people laugh. Picking people up. Helping people out. Volunteering. Heck, in a way, coming out here and blogging all last year helped people… 

I kind of lost that…All of it…And it has finally come to land in my heart…And it weighs heavy… 

One of my favorite authors to quote, is Maya Angelou…She just gets it right…And this is one of my favorites: 

 “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain” 

I find myself complaining a lot these days…And I cringe… 

I find I can not handle stressors like I used too… 

I find I am angry more then peaceful these days… 

I find I have forgotten how to laugh spontaneously… 

I find I have forgotten how to simply love just being with people I love… 

I find I have forgotten how to be at peace with myself… 

I find I have simply forgotten how to be me… 

I am not happy with some areas in my life. And it is beyond time I change them…To get back to good…

 I want to be good egg! Hell, I want to be a GREAT, Grade A quality, cage free, 100% organic egg!! (You know, the REALLY expensive ones!!) THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO BE!!!!!! 

Starting with my weight…

 It continually amazes me. And it really shouldn’t by this point, how self image affects ALL OTHER ASPECTS of your life…

 Last year, I was losing weight steadily. In complete control of my weight loss journey, and I felt great. Confident. Happy. HEALTHY. Sexy…Nothing or no one could touch me… 

I attracted soooo much good to me because of the positive energy I put out! It was awesome. A sight to behold!!! Since I regained a few pounds (Okay. 15 to be exact) I have felt horrible…

And its not so much about the weight, for I am still proud of my weight loss achievements, but I don’t like how these 15 pounds make me feel…Sluggish…Frumpy…Shy…Reserved…I just don’t like it…That’s not the me I want to be.  So that has been moved to the absolute TOP of my priority list…

I am currently in a heated, head to head, combat with my fat demons…I think I lost a battle or two, but the war rages on, and I am confident that I will arise victorious out of the ashes someday soon… 

Like the glorious phoenix I know myself to be inside… 

The other thing I am working on is PEACE… 

Life is full of trama, drama and turmoil…For all of us…But its how we handle it that makes all the difference… 

When you are a stubborn and passionate person, such as myself, it is hard NOT to want to cry, yell, scream and curse when things upset you…But that’s not a good way to handle things… 

So, as I continue to deal with my ever changing life. My pending divorce. The complete rearranging of my life and my family, I am going to strive to be PEACEFUL…

How I am going to do this I do not yet know. But I do believe being aware of it, and wanting it, are the first steps to achieving it…

I have a lot of work ahead of me…For sure… 

There will be GOLD STAR moments…And there will be moments where I fail miserably… But I can not stop trying…  Trying to be healthy and thinner… Trying to be peaceful and calm… Trying to be all that I was meant to be… 

I must never give up the battle for the life I feel I need and deserve to live… For if I did, my soul would die… And a dead soul is a very sad sight indeed… 

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.” ~Maya Angelou

First, thanks so much for the Fat Gram help…I also spoke with my friend who used to be a trainer, and after he berated me for several moments about how I am NOT eating enough calories, based on his feedback and yours, I feel I will be fine if I stay between 20-25 grams of fat per day…

He wants me to increase my calories up to 14-1500 though. And I gotta tell ya…I feel odd about that…I have been at 1200 calories for so long, but he thinks thats why my weight loss has slowed…

Anyway, a few of you asked about the book I am reading and its called THE OMNIVORES DELIMA-A Natural History of Four Meals…AWESOME book, and I doubt you will ever look at food the same again…

http://www.amazon.com/Omnivores-Dilemma-Natural-History-Meals/dp/0143038583/ref=pd_bbs_1/105-4542531-3665249?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1202390391&sr=8-1

Other then that. I feel really good on this new plan. The newness and challenges of it all have kept me thinking, and reading labels again. More aware of whats going in my mouth. I dont know if I will stay on it forever, but this is DEFINITELY the kick start I was needing…

 Thanks for the feed back on the Organic and Vegetarian. These are still avenues I am going to explore this year…

Now…On to my buddy Jo’s blog…(Sorry Jo!!)

I read it with great intrest today. For yes, I remember reading a similar one last year…

And I just wanted to throw my two cents in…

You all can disagree with me, for sure, but I truly think when a women hits her 30’s, her brain truly wacks out a bit…

This can manifest in many ways, but the underlying theme seems to be “Where did I go??” The me before I was a wife, mother, friend, (Insert other titles here)…

I honestly have gone through this in the last two years…

This is the number one reason my marriage is now over. (For those who dont know, my dissolution will be final on April 2nd)

I am a big embracer of doing things that scare you. To try DAILY to become the person you WANT to be…You will fail. Often. But you must keep trying…

I truly have no idea some days how I ended up here…At this precise point in my life…

How did I go from fat and happily married, to thinner, and unhappily married…And a whole ton of things in between…

I think on this daily, and really have no answers except this…

I have been restless, and discontent for many years. While nothing outstanding is wrong with my life or my husband, it is just no longer the life that fits me…I no longer want the same things that I did when I was 21…And I think thats okay!!!

You can call me selfish. You can call me stupid. For I have heard it all…Trust me…

I am walking away from a pretty decent life, to embrace the uknown. And yes, I am scared as hell…

But to not even try? Thats just not my style. I may VERY WELL fall flat on my face…I may very well regret ever making half the decisions I made this year…

But, when I wade through the fear. And the guilt. And the insults. I am left with the feeling that to stay in this life my sould would slowly die…

And a dead soul is a sad thing indeed…

So Jo, I say to you, you do not need to do anything drastic…But why not start, little by little, living the live YOU want (And deserve) to live???

Rock on buddies…I will check back later in the week to tell you about my first week of low fatness…TOM is here and I will NOT weigh in while he is here…

Damn him. His timing sucks!

And I need some answers!

Any fellow Fat Gram counters out here? I can not seem to get a definitive answer on how many fat grams I should have…

YEARS ago (over ten) I counted fat grams and lost weight, but if I remember correctly, I stayed under 20 per day. That seems awfully low…

Per the Alli website which also counts fat, it says you should stay UNDER 15 per meal, which would be 45 per day. That seems HIGH…

So I have done some research and I am getting numbers all over the board. I have, for now, decided to stay around 30…But does anyone else know???

Other then that confusion, things are going well. Training myself to look for fat along with calories is challenging, but I have enjoyed getting back in touch with my food labels. I think this change/challenge is exactly what I needed…I have been on plan, and under my 30 grams of fat all week…

Also wanted to ask another question. I think Jennifer eats organic…I am really really thinking of starting to switch my diet over…I am reading a great book right now about how bad our food is for us, and frankly, its scaring me into eating better…More natural. And its actually making me entertain the idea of vegitarianism.

My sister has been a full fledge vegitarian for 20 years…So its something I have entertained repeatedly throughout my life. MAINLY for animal welfare reasons. But now it coincides with the stuff I am educating myself on about our food industry and how many horrible things they do to our food…

So if any buddies out there have any info on a good starting process for switching to all organic, or slowly becoming vegetarian, I would appreciate it…

Also wanted to send a special thanks to LORI who has been a great buddy lately giving me some advice and encouragement. I do appreciate it!!!

Well…I have been on this journey a long long time…Over four years…

The first two years I was a Weight Watchers gal…

The last two years I was a Calorie Counter gal…

Now…

Well, I have been at a semi stalled point for too many months. The exercise is down. The motivation is back, yet, the scale is not moving like I want it too…

This round has been very tough.

A lot of it was mental. I have had a lot of mental and emotional garbage to get through this past year and I know thats held me back a bit. But I am ready now. Have been for months. And the scale is not moving very well…

So I have decided it is most likely time for a switch again. Two years seems to be my limit. My boredom maximum…

So this weekend I decided to switch over to counting fat grams. I will still exercise. I will still keep a food journal. I will still keep an eye on calories, but in addition, I will count fat grams…

I am going to see if doing something new helps me. It has proven to work in the past, so we will see…

Its hard reading and learning a whole new system…Reading labels again…But also kind of exciting…

I am very motivated lately, and really want this, however, why is it whenever we feel that way, its when the scale moves the slowest, so we cant STAY motivated….GRRRrrrrrrrrrr…

I really really want to lose 30 pounds in the next five-six months…I HAVE wanted this…

Anyway, this is kind of my third new beginning…I am excited to see if this works…I will keep you all posted…

So…Have you ever stared into the face of reality and been so shocked by it, that you want to retreat???

I know I have done this with myself. For years…Didnt like what I saw, so convinced myself it was not as bad as I thought…Ignored the mirrors. The sizes on my pants. Etc…

Well. This weekend that feeling came in a different form…

I have spoken here and there of my mother…

The facts are that I love my mother so very much. She raised me and my sister on her own. And she is one of my greatest heros…

Well…In the last year, my mother, who has always been a “larger” gal, has now put on sooo much weight that I barely recognize her…

I saw her this weekend. Out. Unexepectedly at a resteraunt…Was getting ready to leave when she was coming in.

Now. Dont get me wrong. My family and I have noticed her weight gain. And it is a grave concern to us. But to observe her out, eating…Well. It was a very sad reality.

If I had to guess, I would have to say that my mom has gained about fifty pounds this year…And it is not pretty…

I sat down to chat. Catch up. And could not beleive the amount of food she ordered and was consuming…It almost made me sick…To watch her putting away mozarella sticks. Fried pickles. Dumpster fries. Then ordered a large salad. As if that would off set the grease and fat.

Dropping food on herself. Because her belly is too big to get close to the table. My mother is no longer fat. Slightly overweight. Pleasantly plump.

Buddies…As much as I love her. And I do…The site of my mother almost made me full of disgust…I feel awful…She is very definitely obese, and I would say PROBABLY morbidly obese…She has stopped taking care of herself…At all. None of her clothes fit her, and she refuses to buy bigger ones…

Buddies, I am mortified to admit that I was embarrased by my mother…

But more then that, I am horribly horribly worried about her. She eats with such reckless abandon. She cares not at all for herself anymore. She is a diabetic, and I have every gut feeling that if she doesnt get a handle on this, she will not make it another five years…

But what to do??? As we all know. You cant lose the weight for her. I have tried to lead by example, to no avail. She is proud of me, but does nothing on her own…I have talked to her. And she has noted my concern, but as of yet, not done anything about it.

I cant force her to lose the weight…

But…I sure am concerned…I dont know what to do friends…

The whole thing made me sad…The ONLY good that came of it, is that it made me sooo sick to see that food, that I truly have been on plan ALL weekend and now feel more determined then ever to continue my battle no matter how long it takes…For I can not. CAN NOT allow myself to end up like my parents…

One already gone before his time, and the other well on her way…

What do you do when reality is not what you want it to be??????