Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

Ummm, that would be because I AM FAT!!!

Okay. I am having a HORRIBLE fat day…I HATE those…

Now, how is it that yesterday I felt fine, and today I feel fat? I mean, nothing has changed. At all…But I feel like a blob…

I have been working out faithfully and journalling faithfully and I am glad about that…But…I have eaten out several more times then normal this week. NOW…I have ordered out well. Grilled chicken…Fish…Or salads…But I dont know about you guys, even when I eat healthy, I just dont do as well when I eat out…

 So again, next week I am putting a moratorium (sp?) on social engagements for a couple weeks…Get myself better on down the track before I trust myself with eating out…

 I really feel mentally like this is it again…I am there mentally…I just need to tweak some things here or there and keep the thinking that it doesnt mean I cant go out to eat EVER again…Only for a while…

So I am struggling this week buddies. Not with the plan…Just the SLOWNESS of it all…I want to be thin NOW…Not six months from now! LOL…If only, right????

Oh well. Gonna go take my fat self to the gym now…WOO HOO!!!!

So. About two years ago, once I had shed several pounds, I realized how much of life passed me by while I was fat. I used my fat as an excuse to NOT do most things…Mostly out of fear of ridicule, but also, some things were physically impossible…

Well, I decided I no longer wanted to be that person.

I wanted to do things. A lot of things. I wanted to live life. Not watch it go by. I wanted to make sure when I go meet my maker, wheter it be sooner or later, that he (or she) would say “You did good kid”…

So I kind of made a list in my head of things I want to do before I go…

But mostly, what this translates too, is that the things that scare me the most, I force myself to do…

This can be hard sometimes, because, sometimes, I have to make sure I am NOT doing something I dont REALLY want to do. (My marriage is a great example of this) I had to tread very carefully when working on this one. To make sure I am not using my list as a reason to toss a 13 year marriage…I imagine I will always have some doubts…

But for the most part, this has led me to do many things over the last two years that I would have NEVER done 60 pounds ago…And it feels great…

So this weekend I did something that I was absolutely petrified about. I traveled two hours north of here, by myself, to meet some fellow beer lovers from Cleveland. People I had not met, only talked too…I was sooooo scared…Scared to go by myself. Scared to go into a bar by myself (Where I was meeting the first one) Scared. Scared. Scared.

To the point of getting sick to my stomach…

But. I did it. I walked into the brew pub. Sat at the bar. Ordered a drink. And then, once I got settled, went in search of this person. Yes, it was awkward occassionly, but overall, I had a great time. Ended up meeting four of the guys and even two girls. Had a blast. Not exactly what I thought it would be, but it was fun.

And now, in retrospect, I am like, what was the big deal??? Really?? Why am I so afraid all the time of doing new things? They almost ALWAYS end up okay…

So, I am very glad I did it. And am going to work on NOT getting worked up as much prior to something like this…

But I will say, that for any of you just starting on this journey, take this to heart…Life WILL change for you when you shed the weight. You will discover things about yourself you didnt even know existed…But man…No matter how hard this battle is, and it IS…The results go sooo far beyond “I just want to look good in a swimsuit”…

Yes. That is certainly a good by product of weight loss. Who doesnt want to look hot? But man. Health wise I am in better shape then ever…No longer winded just walking up stairs. AND I AM STILL FAT!!! But in great shape…But for me, its been the internal stuff that has shown me the true meaning of this weight loss…

So good luck to all of you…I hope you find that person inside!!!

Happy Friday buddies… Well, I finally weighed in today…Havent done so in two weeks…

 I am only down 2.5 pounds…Remember. This is still re-loss…UGH…

While I AM glad I lost. I sure did work hard for those two pounds…So today I am just trying to just stick with it and calm myself down…Its depressing to work hard and see such little results…Especially when you are reved up and raring to go…

 Trying to focus on the big picture and not just today…

 Already, I know I am in a better frame of mind. Because over the last few months if I was down ANY amount, I would use that as an excuse to take a day off…Not today…

I am still keeping on plan today and MOST of the weekend…Because if I dont, I will regain and lose the same 5 pounds for the rest of my life…

I do have two social engagements this weekend that will throw me off plan a bit, but I am going to try hard to stick close. Still journal everything even if I go over AND work out…

I even had an invite for dinner tonight and I declined. Because I think I will hit the gym tonight on my way home and just eat a light meal…

Sooo. I guess I am a bit mixed today. Happy the scale went down. Sad it was even up to begin with. Sad that it wasnt a ten pound loss (Hey, a gal can dream cant she?) Happy that I have been good all week. Sad that I am not yet at my goal weight due to my own stupidity…

Well…Gonna go pull myself up…Thats the only thing I can do…I cant let it derail me…I got a long way to go!!!

Understanding that, and accepting that, will be the key to my success…

Take care buddies…

Good morning buddies… Well…Its been a good week for me…I have journaled EVERY day…And I gotta say, I love it…

Looooove looking at my food, broken down…I have not only stayed on plan for the last five days, I am actually, in some cases, not eating enough…(yeah, yeah, I am working on that…)

Now, many of you old timers know how I feel about the food journal…For me, it has been the most CRITICAL piece of my success…And my failures…I absolutely swear by it, at least for me…

I am sooo glad I am back on my journaling wagon…

I am also now hitting the gym a solid 6 days in a row…And I increased all my workout times by five minutes (Baby steps!)

This has all lead me to feel VERY successful this week, and MUCH better and happier with myself…I just FEEL thinner, even though, in reality, I am most likely not…

Thats what I love about exercise…Even at the same weight, I just feel better. Different. Hard to explain unless you have been there…Some of you know what I am talking about…Exercise is not only physical, it is definitely mental…

I will now go on record and say I absolutely HATE this time of year at the gym…

Why?

Because everyone and their brother decides its time for their new years resolutions, and the gym is extremely crowded…And my machines are full. Grrrr….

Now…Far be it from me to stop someone from changing their life…

However, this is my FOURTH January at my gym, and the record has shown that many many of these folks will not return past mid February…

And I dont mind the ones that truly need to be there…

But I HATE the little size 2 girls that REALLY dont need to be there. HAVE NOT been there regularly, and apparently are just there to show off the cute little workout gear they got for Christmas…

These are the ones I want to kick in the rear and say GET OFF MY ELLIPTICAL MACHINE…

Do I sound bitter??? LOL…

Well, thats it for now. Just checking in to let you know that I have found my groove finally…Thank GOD…

It was MIA for far too long…

Jo. Tina. Nikki. Erika…My longest buddies…My buddies who have struggled some last year…

Girls, WE CAN DO THIS…We can…IT IS A NEW YEAR!! OUR YEAR!!! Look around at some of our most successful buddies…They did it, and so can we!!

We have been on this board talking a good game for a long long time…

Time to start living the life we keep talking about!!!!

Love you all! Stay healthy!!!

Dawn

Okay. So…I am REALLY OCD-ing this week about my age…

 I just feel old…And I dont like it…

I think its some of this extra poundage I re-gained…For I did NOT feel this way over the summer…So I HOPE it goes away as the pounds fall again…

But man…

I went out Friday with my friend…He and I split a few pitchers of cheap beer…That was my first mistake of many that night (Some I have to keep to myself…Shhhhhhh)…

I have to confess…

I can NOT tolerate mass quantities of alcohol like I used too…

My body takes sooooo long to recover these days…It took me ALL day Saturday to recover…And I hated it…

So just like WW, I am going to quit drinking like that for a while…It just doesnt feel good anymore…One, because I dont really like cheap beer. Would rather drink GOOD beer, slowly…Second, it is no longer worth the caloric intake to feel a bit goofy for a few hours, and three, I just dont need to waste a whole day of my life recovering…

Other then that, things are going well…

From reading your blogs, it would see a lot of us still struggle on the weekends.

I do great with my eating all things considered AND my exercising, but I am still having trouble journaling on the weekends. I do great Monday through Friday…But for some reason, I skip Saturday and Sunday…

So I am working on that…

Thats my next mini goal…To get through TWO FULL weeks of journaling AND being 100% on plan…

I know if I can make it through two weeks, I can make it through.

I do feel great though, otherwise…My groove is coming back and it will be all down hill from here…WOO HOO!!!

Yep. Its true…

I  reconnected this week with a dear old friend…And I fell head over hills in love…

 AGAIN!

He’d gone missing many months ago…Probably because I lied to him…Treated him poorly…And basically ignored him for weeks on end…

When he left, I thought “Hmphf…I dont need you…Not really…”

I thought “You are sooooo last year…”

I thought “I will show you…”

I was ever so wrong…

Who is this mystery man????

Why, he is no man at all…

He is my beloved food journal… :razz: 

Thats right…My food journal and I parted ways many many months ago…I said it was a mutual decision…But I lied…

I think I just got tired of all his truthy-ness…Didnt want to see it. Hear it. Write it…

So this week, as I embraced my new determination and found my new motivation to LOOK GREAT in 08!!!!!!! I tracked him down, once again…

He had moved to a secluded, desolate spot on top of my fridge…It was lonely up there, but he said the view was amazing!!!!! :lol: 

I asked him if he would take me back…And he did…Arms (pages?) open wide…

And in just four days of journaling regularly, I have once again fallen in love…

Sure. Writting everything sucks.

Sure. It can be time consuming.

Sure. There are days I dont like what it says.

BUT……………..For some reason…If I see it in print, (Miss Visual here) It is more real to me…

For some reason, when I see that I have reached 1300 calories, I simply stop…

Without my journal, I cant seem to stop eating…

I continually try to push the boundaries of this relationship. I continually try to go it alone without his help…And yes, I continually fail…

For, I fear, he and I will be lifelong companions…

Without him, I stumble…

With him, I can take on the world…

Welcome back my luv!!! I look forward to our evening encounter…

So. Two things I have to say today…(Oh, I know…You are all dying to hear…)

First…

Weight loss related…I took my giant wall calendar off my office wall today and mapped out my weight loss…

I actually did this two years ago when I had a “re-start” and it worked wonders…Back then I had regained 18 pounds and was fed up. Had a fancy wedding to attend that April and wanted to look and feel great. And it worked…

 All I do is at the end of the week I just write the number 1…One little digit…That is the MINIMUM of poundage I will lose that week…Then I count foward to certain events to gage where I will be and when.

For instance. I have a small “beer” related trip planned for end of april. (Beer tasting is another passion/hobby of mine). I will be meeting people from all over the country that I have chatted with on line. And by using this method, I can visually see that by that date, I can realistically be down 15 pounds…GOD WILLING, and with hard work, MAYBE more!!!!

It really helps me, as I am a visual gal…

So I use one pound…

My average, when I am going strong, tends to be 1.5 to 2 pounds, so thats actually a low estimate…

Just seeing it in print has REALLY pumped me up…Truly…I am excited again…And that excitement helped me bypass the hot pretzel stand at the mall today…WOO HOO!!!

Second…

While perusing previously mentioned calendar, I marked my birthday…UGH…I will be 36 this year…I can NOT beleive it. Seems like just yesterday I turned 35!!

EGADS…Stop the clock, will ya??? Where is Dick Clark when you need him??

I feel old buddies…I feel like I wasted year 35 being trapped in a bad friendship…Going back and forth with my spouse…Going back and forth with the same 10 pounds…UGH…One excuse after the other, and now I am Five months away from another birthday…

It will fly. I know this…

So this too made me reconfirm my commitment to put my weight loss first this year…Each year that passes it gets harder to lose…And I dont want to be still typing these “Restarting” or “Recommitting” blogs when I am 40!!!!

Also…At what age is it on us women where suddenly we have hair growing out of places we previously didnt?? Seriously…Looked at my face today in the natural light…

EGADS…I have a wrinkle or three!!!!!

And my skin!! My skin does not look like it did when I was 18. And this makes me mad…

And my eyelids are drooping. And I dont like it…

And I found a hair on my chin!!! WTF???? I pulled that bad boy ASAP…UGh…

Age…Its a bitch…

Going to go call Mr. Clark now for aging advice…Be back later…

Woo hoo!!!

Happy Monday!!

Boy am I ever excited…FIRST…My beloved Buckeyes take on LSU tonight for the national title…Buddies…I am nervous as all get out!! LSU is an AWESOME team…Whew!

Going to my friend Dave’s house tonight to view the game. Very excited, but scared as hell!!!

Well. I am also excited because today I got up and hit the gym again at 5:30 a.m. Now. You might not know why that excites me.

It does, because I took the last week off…Off from exercising, journaling, and eating well…

Why?

Well…

It started because my gym was closed for two days for the new year holiday. Then I talked myself into a mini break, because “Well, you made it through the holidays pretty well. You deserve it…”

Sound familiar to anyone???

Even though I have NO RIGHT to be taking a break so early in my “re-start”

So, for me to actually get up and get to the gym this morning was indeed a small victory…I find once I get there, I am fine…Getting me there is like moving an elephant through a hall way…Impossible somedays…

So. I feel great.

I truly feel recomitted.

I spent Saturday with my sister and niece.My sister lost 100 pounds two years ago…Has since regained 20, so we are now in the same boat. We dont live close enough to work out together, but we agreed to keep each other accountable and cheer each other on. For we want 2008 to be our year!!

I also made some personal advances this weekend…

Cleared away some more cobwebs from a very toxic relationship I had last year…The person is no longer in my life, but there were still traces here and there of their existance…So I took a major step and got rid of them. It was hard. And I was sad. But I know overall it had to happen.

Sounds silly, I know, but I was holding on to their phone number “Just in case”…In case of what?? A friendship emergency?? I have had those in the last six months, and this person was not around…Too wrapped up in their own life…

So I realized, even in an emergency, I couldnt really rely on this person. So I deleted their number…

I know its such a ridiculously small thing. But buddies, to me it was growth…I felt sooo releived knowing it was gone from my phone…No longer would I be tempted to call…

Baby Steps!!! WOO HOO!

Just like everything in life…

Anyway, overall, I feel really good about 2008 so far. I truly truly know I can be at my goal by Summer if I apply myself. I know the formula. I just have to beleive I can do it. And beleive I deserve it…

My new favorite quote:

“Take the first step in faith…You don’t have to see the whole staircase…Just take the first step…” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Buddies…This is so true…In life and weightloss…Take care!

Well…I made it to 2008!!! (If you are reading this, I guess you have too!!!)

Can I get a “HELL YEAH!”

Seriously folks…There were days I didn’t think I would live through 2007…I have never in my life been soooo happy to see a year end…Well, besides the year my dad died, 2003…This one was a close second…

2007 was a rough year for me (Most of you know that already by putting up with my ever babbling blogs)…Life wise. Job wise. Weight wise…There were moments when I felt soooo sad and lost that I couldn’t even see straight. Moments of deep heartache. Confusion. Depression. Guilt. Anger. Disbelief. They were all there…

Time has healed me some…Given me much needed perspective…

Still though, if I linger too long on the memories, they start to consume me again, so I try to avoid them at all cost! I try to keep my eyes forward…Looking back makes me sad…And angry…With the anger comes bitterness…And I don’t want to be that angry bitter person. Blaming others for my plot in life…

I made my choices, for better or worse, fessed up to those choices, and have apologized for the bad ones I made that hurt others…And I will take my blows for those choices…Its who I have always been…

Sooo. I have decided that 2008 will be better. By default, it almost HAS to be!!! I liked Wonder Woman’s mantra…So I am stealing it…2008 will be the year of Dawn…

Weight wise AND life wise…

Weight wise, I am already on track…Well, not entirely on track, but I know what I need to do and am working towards that… Still tweaking some things here and there…

Life wise, things continue to go well…I am getting out and meeting a lot of new and interesting people…

My job continues to go well, and a promotion is in the works that I am very excited about…Trust me when I say I earned it! Blood sweat and tears!! WHEW!!!

I have gotten more involved in things that used to scare the shit out of me! True growth there…Never before, when I was fatter and unhappier would I have attempted the things I now do…

I am still separated and I will actually be filing my papers next week…They are completed, just need reviewed by my lawyer…Who THANKFULLY is also my best friend!

Steve and I still have our moments…The holidays were stressful and rough, but we made it through…And continue to talk and try to do what’s best for both of us…He is doing much better now and seems to have made peace with my decision…

And me?

Well, I am looking forward to 2008. Reclaiming myself a bit…ME. The me that I was before…Before I was a wife…Before I was so fat and unhappy…Before I got sidetracked by this thing we call life…

I want to know who I am…Really. Underneath it all…Who am I???

Most importantly, I want to be happy again…Truly and honestly happy…

I am getting there…I can feel it in my toes!

Here’s to “Feeling great, in 2008!”