A Life Interuppted…
It seems that I have been blogging much more about life then weight loss lately… I apologize for that…I guess it’s just where I am at right now…And unfortunately, weight loss and life walk hand and hand! (At least in my experience…)
Soooo… I achieved some more soul clearing this past week…
Several things contributed to it…My anniversary. My recommitment to my weight loss…A family issue…And two new, but very good friendships I have made… I will break it down a bit…During the anniversary melt down I had, and the deep conversation with my spouse afterward, he pointed out that I have not been a very good friend to him…
He was absolutely right… During all of our marital troubles this year, we have held fast and firm to the notion that we would do our utmost best to retain a friendship, no matter what the outcome of our marriage was…For we started off, and have ALWAYS prided ourselves, on our very deep, very loving, VERY FUN friendship…
It has always been the most important thing in our marriage…Our friendship came before the passion, the physical intimacy…Everything…We have prided ourselves that we have always been able to talk about anything and everything…We prided ourselves on the fact that after 15 years, we can still make each other laugh, and even now and then, still surprise each other with a thought or an action… I think I had pushed him away, I THOUGHT to help him out…I couldn’t separate the marriage from the friendship…Which is silly, because for us, its always been kind of separate…Side by side, but separate…
So, I am glad he felt confident enough to call me out and I am glad my ego did not go ballistic…For he was so right… I have since committed to doing something with him, and ONLY him, at least once every two weeks…Not romance. Not dating…Just two friends spending time together…He will plan one, I will plan one, etc…
My hope is that by rebuilding the friendship, perhaps other things will bloom again…And if not, well, hell…Maybe we can be one of the first couples in history that have divorced and remained best friends!!! Stranger things have happened… The other soul clearing I had this week was in regards to my medication…
I have been anti medication most of my life…Because my mother was addicted to prescription medicines for most of HER life…She also has been on every mood altering pill known to man…I have real issues with medicines. Doctors. Therapists. Etc… So, of course, I fought it long and hard…Then in August, my family kind of forced the issue…Out of love and concern…I do not blame them. I was desperately a very sad and broken individual at that time…
So I did what they wanted and took the pills…Paxil…It worked…In the moment, I will admit, it worked…But as it was working, so was I… I reached out to new friends, reached out to old ones, game back on here to reconnect with you guys, and basically tried hard to get my life back on track…
Two weeks ago, much to the dismay of my family, I stopped taking the pills… Why??
Because it no longer felt right or necessary… I told my doctor going into it that I did not want to be a “lifer” for me, I would much rather feel the pain, the sadness, the ups and downs of life, then to feel nothing at all…
To me, this is what life is…Feeling…The joy. And the sadness… For how do you know how happiness feels, if you don’t experience severe sadness???? How do you know how to be grateful for all you have, if you don’t come perilously close to losing it??? How do you know how to love, if you never put yourself out there to be loved??? And how do you learn how to survive, if you have never had to struggle???
One of my favorite quotes…GREAT LOVE AND GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS INVOLVE GREAT RISKS…I have ALWAYS taken risks… I guess I am just that type of person. I do not play the victim. I, and myself alone got me here, and I, and myself alone, will get me out…For I am, above ALL THINGS, a survivor…
This is my life. MY BODY. I will say what goes into it… Two weeks later, I feel better then I have in long long time…Now, I know, most likely, the drugs are still in my system…And I know I will have ups and downs…But I WANT to have them…
I am working hard on myself right now…My weight and my health have become my number one priority again…And with that, I have started to love and respect myself again…And so, I just don’t want those kind of drugs in my body… I want and NEED to have all my wits about me…I will never again let myself get so low, or lose myself so completely, that I forget me…FOR I AM IMPORTANT. AND I MATTER!!!!
Now, how about the rest of this? Well, I won’t bore you with the rest of it, except to say my little sister is going through an extremely trying time…As is one of my new friends. Divorce and separations seem to abound right now…And my heart hurts for both of them
Standing on the outside, observing the very real pain, guilt, depression, anger, anxiety, and fear, of these otherwise strong individuals, really helps put your own life in perspective… For we all have our demons to battle. Our hills to climb. Our baggage to carry…
Truly, no ones life is without those things listed above…But how we chose to handle them is what we are all about…Our character, if you will… We can give up, give in, and let the demons win, or we can stand and face another day…
Thanks for sharing your struggles both in weight-loss and your life. You are so right that unfortunately we cannot separate the two.
I especially love the fact that you are planning date night, and you are making him plan one as well. This is so great and should be a nice step towards focusing more on each other. Glad you are making him “do the work” as well.
Best wishes in all you do,
Debbie
I’m not sure how to explain how I feel about reading your blogs!! I wish I had such a power over words like you do!! You say what you are feeling and thinking in such an organized and enthralling way that I just love it! I find myself rooting for you so much! I just want you to be happy! It doesn’t sound like you are needing any “words of advice” about the drugs. You are making a logical decision without letting your heart rule. At least that is what I gather from your post. I hope it works out well for you! All I want to say is that I enjoy the “peace” I feel from your writing!
Well, I’m just sitting here blubbering after reading this. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life read such profound and true words and I am SO proud of you for getting your thoughts and feelings down on paper. I hope you save it, print it, and put it somewhere special, so that you can go back to it and read it whenever you feel the need. You are so right. Life is life and things will happen and to not accept it is to drown in our addictions to avoid it. That empty feeling… embrace it, and you will grow and learn and carry on. Instead of sitting on the bank watching that river flow on by, you will be jumping in and savoring the very life it breaths.
Big huge Huggggggggggggs to you today. I hope you don’t mind, but there’s a paragraph you’ve written that I would love to copy to my private journal that I keep in my Bible case…
“To me, this is what life is…Feeling…The joy. And the sadness… For how do you know how happiness feels, if you don’t experience severe sadness???? How do you know how to be grateful for all you have, if you don’t come perilously close to losing it??? How do you know how to love, if you never put yourself out there to be loved??? And how do you learn how to survive, if you have never had to struggle???”
If it’s too personal, I understand and won’t copy it, but I just found those words so profound that I don’t want to ever forget them.
Love and hugggggggggs,
Shan
It is a good, thoughtful blog, I enjoyed reading it. I like your approach to things you are dealing with. I’ve noticed that people apologize for posting personal (not strictly weight-loss related stuff). I wonder why. There are times when it is difficult to separate, and there are times when other things take over making it difficult to focus on strictly weight loss. I think the blog is ours to use the way we feel is helpful to us.
Very powerful and thought provoking blog.
Take care Dawnie
Lori
Thank you for sharing. You are right. We are in control of our life. Thank you and I wish you luck!
No man is an island, or so we’re told!
You’re a courageous woman for sharing your inner struggles with us. May God bless you ALWAYS my sweet friend!
You are amazing! I too was on Paxil, but I decided I would rather be able to feel, good or bad. I think it is so awesome what you are doin with Steve, too. Your blogs have been moving me to tears, lately, thank you, have an awesome day. Love you!
Wow chicky you never cease to amaze me. Your one hell of a woman! I agree with just about everything the rest of the buddies wrote so i wont bother repeating it. I’ll just say things have a funny way of working out and though we dont often see it while its happening, things happen for a reason, and we are stronger because of it. Birghtest Blessings Chicky.