Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

Hello buddies…I am still here!!!

Honest!!

Work has been insanely busy and I swear if I dont die from a heart attack by years end I will be amazed…Next week is my 6 month anniversary there…CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT…And I have had only TWO…Count them…ONE. TWO. Days off since I started…

I am in DIER need of a vacation…So I am taking one soon…

The weight loss battle continues…I am working out in the mornings now before work, because I am too tired at night and thats working out well…But geesh…Re-losing this weight SUCKS…It is sloooooow going buddies…FOR SURE…I want to give up more often then not, but I keep going…Keep trudging along. I feel like Charlie Brown a lot though…GOOD GRIEF…

For all you newbies out there, take it from me, I have been around the block a time or two…If you lose the weight…KEEP IT OFF, because regaining some and then trying to re-lose it sucks…BIG TIME…UGH…

I have lost 6 of the 15 I had regained…But damn…I am sooooo mad at myself for gaining that 15…Grrrrrrrrrr…

On a somewhat sad and baffling note, I got in a terrible fight with my mother last week…UGH…Mothers…She confronted me in the middle of a football party I was having…Said she no longer liked me, and blamed it all on my weight loss!!!!!! She said she liked me better, fatter!!!! WTH???? Ugh…Said I was nicer fatter…???????????????????

Really, she is upset about Steve and I…And she was speaking about things she knows nothing about…She stomped out of my house and I ran upstairs crying…Nice, huh???

Anyway…I still havent talked to her. I will…I will…I just have to find the words to say what I want to say, and the patience to let her say what she needs to say…

As I have repeatedly said, weight loss DOES change you…So does LIFE…I sometimes think my mother still looks at me as a 16/18 year old snotty nosed teenager…

 She fails to see the woman I have become…We have much work to do, she and I, on our relationship…

On the marriage front, Steve and I are moving forward with our dissolution, and actually, things are going well. He and I have had some really good conversations of late…He is helping me find an apartment and I hope to be out on my own by the first of the year…

We are doing our best to remain good friends. Best friends even, which is really freaking out a lot of people…But, well, he and I have always been an odd couple, so we figure we will continue to be so!!!

Well, thats all for me…Hope you are all doing well…

These holiday seasons are killers…So heres hoping we all make it through thinner!!!

Take care-

Dawn

It seems that I have been blogging much more about life then weight loss lately… I apologize for that…I guess it’s just where I am at right now…And unfortunately, weight loss and life walk hand and hand! (At least in my experience…) 

Soooo… I achieved some more soul clearing this past week… 

Several things contributed to it…My anniversary. My recommitment to my weight loss…A family issue…And two new, but very good friendships I have made… I will break it down a bit…During the anniversary melt down I had, and the deep conversation with my spouse afterward, he pointed out that I have not been a very good friend to him… 

He was absolutely right… During all of our marital troubles this year, we have held fast and firm to the notion that we would do our utmost best to retain a friendship, no matter what the outcome of our marriage was…For we started off, and have ALWAYS prided ourselves, on our very deep, very loving, VERY FUN friendship… 

It has always been the most important thing in our marriage…Our friendship came before the passion, the physical intimacy…Everything…We have prided ourselves that we have always been able to talk about anything and everything…We prided ourselves on the fact that after 15 years, we can still make each other laugh, and even now and then, still surprise each other with a thought or an action… I think I had pushed him away, I THOUGHT to help him out…I couldn’t separate the marriage from the friendship…Which is silly, because for us, its always been kind of separate…Side by side, but separate… 

So, I am glad he felt confident enough to call me out and I am glad my ego did not go ballistic…For he was so right… I have since committed to doing something with him, and ONLY him, at least once every two weeks…Not romance. Not dating…Just two friends spending time together…He will plan one, I will plan one, etc… 

My hope is that by rebuilding the friendship, perhaps other things will bloom again…And if not, well, hell…Maybe we can be one of the first couples in history that have divorced and remained best friends!!! Stranger things have happened… The other soul clearing I had this week was in regards to my medication… 

I have been anti medication most of my life…Because my mother was addicted to prescription medicines for most of HER life…She also has been on every mood altering pill known to man…I have real issues with medicines. Doctors. Therapists. Etc… So, of course, I fought it long and hard…Then in August, my family kind of forced the issue…Out of love and concern…I do not blame them. I was desperately a very sad and broken individual at that time… 

So I did what they wanted and took the pills…Paxil…It worked…In the moment, I will admit, it worked…But as it was working, so was I… I reached out to new friends, reached out to old ones, game back on here to reconnect with you guys, and basically tried hard to get my life back on track… 

Two weeks ago, much to the dismay of my family, I stopped taking the pills… Why?? 

Because it no longer felt right or necessary… I told my doctor going into it that I did not want to be a “lifer” for me, I would much rather feel the pain, the sadness, the ups and downs of life, then to feel nothing at all… 

To me, this is what life is…Feeling…The joy. And the sadness… For how do you know how happiness feels, if you don’t experience severe sadness???? How do you know how to be grateful for all you have, if you don’t come perilously close to losing it??? How do you know how to love, if you never put yourself out there to be loved??? And how do you learn how to survive, if you have never had to struggle??? 

One of my favorite quotes…GREAT LOVE AND GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS INVOLVE GREAT RISKS…I have ALWAYS taken risks… I guess I am just that type of person. I do not play the victim. I, and myself alone got me here, and I, and myself alone, will get me out…For I am, above ALL THINGS, a survivor… 

This is my life. MY BODY. I will say what goes into it… Two weeks later, I feel better then I have in  long long time…Now, I know, most likely, the drugs are still in my system…And I know I will have ups and downs…But I WANT to have them… 

I am working hard on myself right now…My weight and my health have become my number one priority again…And with that, I have started to love and respect myself again…And so, I just don’t want those kind of drugs in my body… I want and NEED to have all my wits about me…I will never again let myself get so low, or lose myself so completely, that I forget me…FOR I AM IMPORTANT. AND I MATTER!!!! 

Now, how about the rest of this?  Well, I won’t bore you with the rest of it, except to say my little sister is going through an extremely trying time…As is one of my new friends. Divorce and separations seem to abound right now…And my heart hurts for both of them 

Standing on the outside, observing the very real pain, guilt, depression, anger, anxiety, and fear, of these otherwise strong individuals, really helps put your own life in perspective… For we all have our demons to battle. Our hills to climb. Our baggage to carry… 

Truly, no ones life is without those things listed above…But how we chose to handle them is what we are all about…Our character, if you will… We can give up, give in, and let the demons win, or we can stand and face another day… 

Happy Friday buddies…

Thank you to those of you who commented on my “anniversary” blog or emailed me privately. I do appreciate it.

Monday was pretty tough…I am sure you ladies know what I mean, but I had one of those good, deep, soul drenching cries…The ones that make you think you cant possibly have any more fluid in your body…

Seriously, I think I went through a box of Kleenex…I think I cried for two hours straight…Poor Steve…He was soooo worried about me…The funny thing is…I wasnt so much upset, as I think I just needed to cry!!! Honest…

I dont even think I was crying just for him…I kind of was just crying for the rotten stinking year we have had…

But, it all ended up rather well. Steve and I had a very very long talk and I was able to tell him some honest truths about some thoughts and feelings I have had this year…

I was finally able to give him a full truthful version of my feelings for a third party in my life.(Yes, buddies…The root of some of my marital troubles…I had feelings for another person. Very strong. Very real. And very much to no avail…)

I did, indeed, suffer from a broken heart…And since then, I have been unable to love anyone…Not even myself…This has been the very heart of my descent into the most fascinating, chaotic, and turbulent year of my life…

And why I thought he didnt know is beyond me…Because he did…But he appreciated me telling him, and honestly, I felt better telling him…Felt like if we are going to have a fresh start, we can now have it…He shared some things with me too, and it was nice…

We are putting the marriage of Steve and Dawn on hold  for now and are going to focus on our friendship…And this makes my heart glad…

Anyway…The rest of the week went better…But it was busy, so I only worked out three nights…For all of a sudden I find myself with a pretty full social calendar!!! LOL!!!! I went to the movies Thursday with my friend Dave and we saw 30 days of night…Silly movie really…But it was fun…And…I resisted the butter popcorn he repeatedly shoved in my face!!! UGH…Damn him…He is SUPPOSED to be my weight loss buddy…I think he failed the screening process!!! HAH!!!

Anyway, I had my weigh in today…Down just one pound this week. But I am actually happy…For I thought I might have gained or stayed the same. So I will embrace my pathetic one pound and rejoice!!!! I am going down, and thats all that really matters…

Plus, I am truly mentally there again, and that makes such a HUGE difference in how you handle the scale…

HOWEVER. I will say this…One other girl in my challenge lost 7 pounds this week!!! SEVEN…She lost FIVE last week…AMAZING…I was a bit discouraged at first, so I asked her how she is doing it…Well…She is eating very little…HEALTHY, but very very little…

So…I am happy for her…But its just not for me. That kind of diet…Sure I could get quick results…But I dont want them. I want an eating plan that I truly, sincerely, can do for the rest of my life…Because i will NEED to do this the rest of my life..

And denying myself a lot of things just spells disastor for me. I can deny myself certain things for a good cause, but darn it, I am NOT going to eat celery and carrots all day EVERY day!!!! I would get horribly crabby!!!

Anyway, I am happy with my plan for now…For my life and my weight loss…Cant wait to get this regain gone and hit the fresh poundage!!!!

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Thanks for stopping by!!!