Some very random somewhat incoherent thoughts…
Good morning buddies. It is insanely early here…4 a.m. I cant sleep…
So I decided to blog…
Its been a long long time since I have actually YEARNED to blog to help clear the mind…So I am going with it…
I think I had an ephiphany this morning!!!
Its been a while since I have had one of those too!!!
Sooo. Its no secret that the last, oh, 4-5 months have been hard on me…Been struggling to find my voice. My footing. My motivation…Etc. Etc. Etc.
Well, this week, everything has kind of fallen in place…
I feel MORE NORMAL this week then I have felt in MONTHS. I feel ALMOST happy…
Sooo, let me back up a bit for some of you who may not know me…
Last year, as I started to really lose the weight, and change my body by exercising, my personality seemed to change too…It was noted by many many people…
I heard over and over again “You are so outgoing” “You are so friendly and talkative” and all kind of other non sense…
Well…
I had a real hard time with this. As a matter of fact, I have been searching for myself for well over a year now. Trying to figure out how this weight loss has changed me and how it hasnt…I was soooo fat for soooo long, that OTHER people I loved in my life had a real hard time with my changes…
So add that to the turmoil I myself was feeling, and well, you have one messed up chick…For I often STILL, even now, see the shy, quiet FAT girl I was for 13 years…
I am actually, quite often, shocked, when people DO like me…
So this morning, I was lying in bed, thinking about how good this week has been, and why…
And here is my conclusion…
I got my weight loss plan back on track this week. TRULY back on track…I stopped running off about doing it, and actually STARTED doing it…And I feel 100% better…
I have been 100% BACK ON PLAN all week with eating, exercising, journaling, and motivation. And it feels sooo good and sooo right! This is what I was missing…
And then, I started thinking about ME…
And how over the last year, some of the people I love and trust the most have kind of let me down…By making ME feel like I was the one with problems, or issues, or I had changed….
That I needed to adapt to them, their rules, their lives…
That I was the one who needed to get help, or see a counselor, or whatever…
Now…Dont get me wrong…I needed help…Temporarily, to deal with a pretty deep heartbreak I had experienced…I got it, and I feel better now…
But as I was laying in my room this morning, thinking about my husband…Wondering how he and I got sooo far off track with our life. Our marriage. Our goals…It hit me…
I dont think I have changed…
I think I found the girl that got buried…
Buried for YEARS behind a blanket of FAT. A blanket of marriage. A blanket of shyness and insecurity…
I had forgotten…ALL THESE YEARS…
That when I first met my husband…He was 8 years older then me…And I liked him from the get go…Truly…And I reached out to him first!!! I made the first move!!! I wont bore you with the whole sordid tale, but TWO TIMES I made my intentions known, before he actually got a clue…
Had I not done that, I can honestly say we would not have gotten together, for my husband is JUST not that kind of guy…
Now, to some of you, that may not be a big deal…
But to me, as I am dealing with the pain of a separation, and the sadness of leaving my comfort zone, while simultaneously dealing with the excitement of a new life, new friends, etc, its a HUGE deal…
For I have been questioning A LOT about myself…”Why did you do that Dawn” “Why did you act this way?” “Why AM I so much more ambitious and bold then I used to be???”
I have been feeling kind of bad about myself and some of my actions…Thinking I had changed TOO much….
I thought it was because of the weight loss…And in a way, it is, but not because I have an ego now, or I think I am better then I was, etc…
Its because pulling away the blankets I was hiding under, let the old me resurface!!! This isnt a NEW me…This is the OLD me I was back in my early 20’s!!!
Back then, I saw something, and I went after it…Whether it was a man (My husband!) a job, a goal, etc, I made up my mind to do it, and it got done…
Very plain and simple…
I WAS outgoing and ambitious and friendly and happy and goal oriented…
I had completely and utterly forgotten that part of my life…
And now, because of that revelation, I feel more normal then I have in months…
I am now so excited to rediscover more of my past persona…To remember what it was like back then when I never met a stranger. When I talked to anyone. When I liked myself very much, and enjoyed doing new things and meeting new people…
Keeping on track is the key…
My disposition has changed 360 degrees this week for one reason and one reason only…
I got myself back on track…And the good feelings that brings are absolutlely indescribable…Working out makes me feel GOOD…Eating right makes me feel GOOD…Journaling makes me feel GOOD…
So why on earth would I ever ever let that go???
I am going to try very very hard not to let it slip away again…As I always ALWAYS say…
Life is too short…
Too short to not feel good…
Today, I feel good. About ME. About my life. About the decisions I have made and the people I have loved…
My only regret that I will name, is not shedding those blankets sooner…
Girl, you truly inspire me! Some of those things really apply to what is happening in my life now! I have started to become more open and honest about my feelings. I am becoming more outgoing than I was when I hid behind my world of fat and what I took as my security. I am finding some people would rather have the old me back (this includes my hubby at times)! I get told what happened to you
, you are getting a big mouth 
It is me expressing those same feelings that I use to repress, and now I have the confidence to speak out! I will continue to express my opinion and I would be glad to discuss why I have those opinions, but I am not going to tolerate being a door mat for the people who don’t like my opinion and want to treat me like I am the one with the problem 
I am so glad that you are back on track with everything! You are doing so amazing!
Have a good one!
Awesome introspection! You amaze me, girl!
I’m curious to see how things will evolve with you… I don’t mean in the weight loss area… I AM CONVINCED that you are going to reach your goals… but otherwise. Things are happening, aren’t they? You must feel like a fox on the run, looking for a shelter… well, I don’t know, but I remember feelign that way maybe 3 years ago and I was amazed at what life brought to me but I also afterward found great relief when things settled down.
All my best, kiddo, you are a lovely lovely lady. Yes you are. You’re selling yourself short by trying to please people too much. The’d still love you if you didn’t.
I’m glad you shredded those blankets. Me, I never want to be the person I was way back when. That life was too full of heartache. But I want to be the best me now that I can be. And if the girl you were is the best for you, then go for it!!