Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary…

13 years ago today, I was preparing for the biggest day of my life…

I can remember it quite clearly, actually…It was a beautiful, crisp but sunny end of October day…

It is no surprise to those of you in my circle of friends that this last year has not been the greatest for Steve and I… And that we have been separated for the last two months…

Yet, today, on this anniversary, I find my self reflecting on the last 13 years…

I met Steve when I was 20. So very young…I thought I was old. I thought I would NEVER find a good man… We met at the Limited… He walked up to me, while I was staring helplessly at a copier, and asked if I needed help… And the rest, they say, is history…

I dont think he knew quite then how much help I DID need, or would require through the years…

13 years…

When I think of all that has occured in those years, I am astounded…

I have lost two children…If I had carried my first to term, he or she would be 14 now…I cant even fathom having a 14 year old…

We have lost several pets. Grandparents. Aunts. Uncles. Friends. My father. I have gained a sister. I changed jobs. I gained 13 nieces and nephews! Soooo many things…

When I think back through the years, there have been moments of anger. Frustration. Tears, sure…But there has been many more days of laughter… Silliness… Late nights in bed, laughing. Singing songs. Endless games of Rock, Scissor, Paper…And the endless arm wrestling tournaments. 13 years and I have yet to win one!!

These are all “Steve and Dawn” things…Most of you wouldnt understand…

So as this 13th year arrives…And I decide which path I must now travel, I guess I am just proud…Proud of the last 13 years of my life…

I will not allow my current situation to skew my view of all those other years…I dont want to look back in regret. I dont want to end up hating the one person who I have always looked up too…I dont want to destroy the 13 GOOD years…It is not worth it…

I met and married one of the kindest. Smartest. Creative…Silliest men ever met…I dont regret one single day of my life.

Sometimes, stories just end…And it is always sad…And a bit disappointing when you get to the end of a really good story…

So as I reflect on these years and contemplate the coming year, I will say this…

Happy anniversary Stevie… We have come far from those two people standing by the copier… I barely recognize either of them. Time has changed us both, it seems…

Where our story will end I do not know, but I have no regrets, and I will always always look at you as the best thing to ever have happened to me…

Thank you for 13 years…

Happy Saturday BSers…(BSers…Thats funny!) I amuse myself…

Just got done running with the dog and working out…WOO HOO…

I love the high I am on this week….WOW…

It feels SOOOOOO freakin good to be back on track. I even journaled today…I havent written in my food journal on a Saturday in gosh…Five months????

AND. I used a new machine at the gym today…Its been there for a while, but the first day I tried, I almost died at five minutes…HAH…

Well, today I some chick was on my elliptical, so I had to use this one…I did 20 minutes! I wanted to quit at five but sucked it up…Know what??? I DIDNT DIE!!!!! YAY…

It kept telling me my heart rate was too high tho…Weird. Didnt know your heart rate COULD get too high while exercising…

Anyway. Feeling great. Feeling sexy again…LOVE that feeling…

Feeling like I could take on the world with both paws tied behind my back!!!

Just wanted to wish you all well and a happy healthy weekend!!!

I am amazed at how quickly my moods can change…Truly. Someone should do a case study on me…

On second thought, better not…They may have me committed…LOL!!!

So…I have had a GREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAT week…

Up until yesterday…

Then, in the course of 24 hours, my mental state collapsed…(Well, lets face it, its a pretty shaky foundation on a good day!)

But, work got bad…Lots of issues and fires to put out…I got stressed…I fought with a best friend…Through TEXT MESSAGING of all things…Have you EVER fought through Texts?? Its absolutely ridiculous…Then I got in another rift with another person…And when I got home, me and the husband had it out…UGH…

Yes. Attribute it all to high stress…

But I ended up going out with the friend to “Discuss” our fight…Well, it ended up worse, and I ended up slamming a car door, and heading home in tears…GOOD GRIEF…

Didnt fall asleep till well after 1 a.m and was back up this morning at 4 stressing…thinking…trying to figure out how my week got so lousy…

Went for my morning jog to clear my head…Came to work to find I had screwed up somebody’s direct deposit…BIG WORK MISTAKE. UGH…

Sooo. You see where I am going here…

 I wanted to find the nearest hole and climb into it…

So…

We had our BIG first weigh in today at work for our challenge. There are now 15 people in it…

I was not looking forward to another trip to the freight scale from hell…

I got on and to my surprise. Amazement. And absolute delight, I was down FOUR POUNDS…

I was the biggest loser out of the bunch…

And to have all these other people, all various weights, heights, job titles cheering you on, it was AMAZING…We all stood around the scale and lended our support…

It was awesome…

And JUST LIKE THAT, the clouds lifted from my shoulders…

I emailed the previously mentioned friend to tell him my good news, even though we ended our last conversation in anger…

And within seconds he had replied with pure joy and excitement…And just like that, our argument was over, and things forgiven…

And life is good…

HAPPY FRIDAY all…

Good morning buddies. It is insanely early here…4 a.m. I cant sleep…

So I decided to blog…

Its been a long long time since I have actually YEARNED to blog to help clear the mind…So I am going with it…

I think I had an ephiphany this morning!!!

Its been a while since I have had one of those too!!!

Sooo. Its no secret that the last, oh, 4-5 months have been hard on me…Been struggling to find my voice. My footing. My motivation…Etc. Etc. Etc.

Well, this week, everything has kind of fallen in place…

I feel MORE NORMAL this week then I have felt in MONTHS. I feel ALMOST happy…

Sooo, let me back up a bit for some of you who may not know me…

Last year, as I started to really lose the weight, and change my body by exercising, my personality seemed to change too…It was noted by many many people…

I heard over and over again “You are so outgoing” “You are so friendly and talkative” and all kind of other non sense…

Well…

I had a real hard time with this. As a matter of fact, I have been searching for myself for well over a year now. Trying to figure out how this weight loss has changed me and how it hasnt…I was soooo fat for soooo long, that OTHER people I loved in my life had a real hard time with my changes…

So add that to the turmoil I myself was feeling, and well, you have one messed up chick…For I often STILL, even now, see the shy, quiet FAT girl I was for 13 years…

I am actually, quite often, shocked, when people DO like me…

So this morning, I was lying in bed, thinking about how good this week has been, and why…

And here is my conclusion…

I got my weight loss plan back on track this week. TRULY back on track…I stopped running off about doing it, and actually STARTED doing it…And I feel 100% better…

I have been 100% BACK ON PLAN all week with eating, exercising, journaling, and motivation. And it feels sooo good and sooo right! This is what I was missing…

And then, I started thinking about ME…

And how over the last year, some of the people I love and trust the most have kind of let me down…By making ME feel like I was the one with problems, or issues, or I had changed….

That I needed to adapt to them, their rules, their lives…

That I was the one who needed to get help, or see a counselor, or whatever…

Now…Dont get me wrong…I needed help…Temporarily, to deal with a pretty deep heartbreak I had experienced…I got it, and I feel better now…

But as I was laying in my room this morning, thinking about my husband…Wondering how he and I got sooo far off track with our life. Our marriage. Our goals…It hit me…

I dont think I have changed…

I think I found the girl that got buried…

Buried for YEARS behind a blanket of FAT. A blanket of marriage.  A blanket of shyness and insecurity…

I had forgotten…ALL THESE YEARS…

That when I first met my husband…He was 8 years older then me…And I liked him from the get go…Truly…And I reached out to him first!!! I made the first move!!! I wont bore you with the whole sordid tale, but TWO TIMES I made my intentions known, before he actually got a clue…

Had I not done that, I can honestly say we would not have gotten together, for my husband is JUST not that kind of guy…

Now, to some of you, that may not be a big deal…

But to me, as I am dealing with the pain of a separation, and the sadness of leaving my comfort zone, while simultaneously dealing with the excitement of a new life, new friends, etc, its a HUGE deal…

For I have been questioning A LOT about myself…”Why did you do that Dawn” “Why did you act this way?” “Why AM I so much more ambitious and bold then I used to be???”

I have been feeling kind of bad about myself and some of my actions…Thinking I had changed TOO much….

I thought it was because of the weight loss…And in a way, it is, but not because I have an ego now, or I think I am better then I was, etc…

Its because pulling away the blankets I was hiding under, let the old me resurface!!! This isnt a NEW me…This is the OLD me I was back in my early 20’s!!!

Back then, I saw something, and I went after it…Whether it was a man (My husband!) a job, a goal, etc, I made up my mind to do it, and it got done…

Very plain and simple…

I WAS outgoing and ambitious and friendly and happy and goal oriented…

I had completely and utterly forgotten that part of my life…

And now, because of that revelation, I feel more normal then I have in months…

I am now so excited to rediscover more of my past persona…To remember what it was like back then when I never met a stranger. When I talked to anyone. When I liked myself very much, and enjoyed doing new things and meeting new people…

Keeping on track is the key…

My disposition has changed 360 degrees this week for one reason and one reason only…

I got myself back on track…And the good feelings that brings are absolutlely indescribable…Working out makes me feel GOOD…Eating right makes me feel GOOD…Journaling makes me feel GOOD…

So why on earth would I ever ever let that go???

I am going to try very very hard not to let it slip away again…As I always ALWAYS say…

Life is too short…

Too short to not feel good…

Today, I feel good. About ME. About my life. About the decisions I have made and the people I have loved…

My only regret that I will name, is not shedding those blankets sooner…

Happy Sunday all!

It is absolutely gorgeous here in Central Ohio…Sun is shining and the air is cool…YAY…

Soooo. I had an interesting weekend…

I went out Friday with my sister and met up with a new friend of mine…I should say, an OLD new friend….You see, I had met this guy YEARS ago, as a very lose aquaintance of my husband…

By a VERY strange twist of fate (Is there such a thing??) he re-entered my life a few months ago, (Its a very clever story how it came about, but I will save that for another day!)…. Anyway, he is going through  separation as well, and he and I have become really good friends…The cool thing is, my husband knows him, and likes him, so our friendship is out in the open, and it seems to make everyone more comfortable…

So he met up with us, and we all had a really fun time…

The thing is, he shared some thoughts on me that I had not really heard for a while…Apparently, he had observed me and my sister for a few minutes before making his prescence known at the bar…

The things he shared were good…Dont get me wrong, however, it is still so very bizarre to me to hear people discribe me in ways I am not used too…For even after sooo many years on this journey, I still have a very VERY hard time seeing myself as others now see me…

He called us Intrigueing. Delightful. Outgoing. (Now, for anyone to call me outgoing is really really odd, for I have spent most of my life describing myself as shy and introverted) somehow. Someway. I have turned that around and I dont really remember doing so…He also told me I was cute…Which I have been feeling anything but, lately…To hear this, from a friend who is nothing more then a friend, well, it gave me lots of things to ponder this weekend…

For I sooooo want to be everything that he described. Yet I dont really feel I am…I have been feeling really down about myself lately…Disappointed in allowing myself to regain some weight and fall of the wagon. I have been feeling fat and unattractive…And it was nice to hear such honest feelings from a third party not associated with much of my up and down battle…

My sister left me alone for a while while she went to get a drink. And I was talking to one of HER friends, a complete stranger to me…We carried on a conversation like we were long lost pals. I would NEVER have done that in my previous life. I would have been mortified to be left alone with a stranger…

Soooo. I have been heavy in my thoughts this weekend…Trying to stay motivated to commit and win this challenge I have joined…And then what should happen then my back pain flares up again this weekend. So I did NOT work out yesterday…

So I said “What the hell, i will just start on Monday”

But then I talked to myself about Friday…And said SELF…Just because you cant exercise doesnt mean you can eat like a maniac. So I kept myself in check yesterday…Today, I got up, took my dog for a walk/run then I headed to the workout room…

What is it about working out that makes me feel instantly TEN TIMES better…IMMEDIATELY I felt better. Mentally and physically. THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO REMEMBER…

And I am amazed…

Soooo. I am NOT waiting till Monday…I am starting now…Yesterday, in fact…

To try to be the person INSIDE my head that some of my friends already see on the outside…

This is my new goal…

I want to be AMAZING…

Take care all!!!!

Well, there is nothing quite like seeing your weight advertised on a giant Freight Scale… Talk about a reality check… 

Man…This one just smacked me right upside the head!! I am not happy…As this scale is about 7 pounds heavier then my home scale… 

So after a short temper tantrum (WHO ME????) my co-worker pointed out that it is what it is. It’s the scale we are ALL using, and it’s not the number that counts, it’s the percentage I will lose… She is right, of course…DAMN. I hate when she is right… 

But I was still pissy for awhile. And a tad depressed… We are playing for money, of course…And we are going by the person who loses the highest percentage of body fat… 

Still… Freight Scales suck cow’s eggs! 

But…After getting it out of my system, I have come to realize that I lie to myself an awful lot…And I know better…And you cant lie when there is a big bright red digital number staring you down… I used to love weighing in and watching the scale go down… 

I haven’t liked the scale in many many months…So I really needed this…As hard as it was to see…And as hard as it was to weigh in, in front of another person, I needed to see it… I need accountability. 

I need this challenge. I need the support this challenge will give me… 

I need to finish this journey once and for all… And more then anything, I know I can not do it alone…While I am ultimately responsible for my own failures and successes, I do much better when surrounded by supportive people who understand… 

After my summer, I realize more then ever that this is a battle I will fight for the rest of my life…I will never ever be able to stop…Its way too easy for someone like me…Like MOST of us…Who truly have obesity issues within our families, to ever stop… Exercise and eating right will always always be a part of my life…I stopped for just a few months, and I can not believe how quickly the weight crept back on…UGH!! 

Somehow, I chose to ignore that this summer. I let life get me down. And I let it side track me from my goals…I let it change me…I completely lost my focus. And I lost site of how good it all felt… I am slowly getting it back…So although I had a bad reality check this morning. I am ultimately excited…I can change that BIG RED DIGITAL NUMBER… 

I hold that power…I don’t EVER have to see that number again…  And man…There is something exciting about that power. That control… Take care all!!!!  

Hello buddies!!!!

I get so sidetracked some days, I often forget to come out here and actually write…

I get caught up in reading and what not and forget to actually contribute…What a dork I can be!

Well, if there are any other sports folks out there then you know that its been a very hectic HAPPY time here in Ohio…The Indians are doing GREAT. The Buckeyes miraculously have moved to number 1 in the BCS polls, and the Browns actually won a game…Life is pretty good for the sports folk here in my lovely state…WOO HOO!!!!

As for me, life is still going well…

This is my favorite time of year!!

And depsite my strange personal situation, life is pretty good…Calm…FINALLY…

Work is busy. Steve and I are still talking and are still good friends, we are still separated, but we hang out a lot…I am making a lot of new friends and hanging out with some old ones too…Its actually been a pretty fun and exciting time for me…

I started and have joined a weight loss challenge at work!!!

I have never really done this before, but I needed something NEW and exciting to get me motivated through the holidays…So with my bosses approval, I set up a challenge. Monetary donation, weekly weigh ins, and it will run for 12 weeks. I am pretty excited…

Winner will take the cash at the end…

The funniest part of it all, is even though I work in Human Resources, my office is adjacent to our Warehouse, so we will be using an actual freight scale to weigh in!!! Hah!!! What a riot!!!!

We have 8 people signed up so far, and hope to get a few more….We start Monday. I am very excited…I need this…

I just can not seem to break my 180 platuea…

I think thats about all for me…

Going out with my sister tomorrow…Going to a Hockey game on Sunday, and thats about all on my plate…

Hope you are all doing well, and staying healthy…

OH…GOSH…I almost forgot…GEESH. I swear…My mind is just not very bright these days!

My food journaling is going well…Its been hard getting it back, in all honestly…But I have done it…So I am hoping next week its a bit more casual and less of a task…

Okay…

Gotta watch the Tribe clinch the series…SORRY BARRY!!!!!

Why oh why do I even think I can survive this journey without my journal??

I have not journaled in MONTHS…Probably since MAY…EGADS!!!

So yesterday, I started it again…And in just ONE DAY I already feel 50% better…

I simply dont know what it is about seeing it in print, but once I reach my limit, I stop…

My limit is currently 1200-1300 calories…And for some reason, writting it down, and seeing it, just makes me stop…

I know this, of course…

But like any thick skulled, stubborn gal (I am a Taurus, can you tell???) I seem to think I can change things that I really cant…

About once a year, I try to stop. And EVERY SINGLE TIME, I gain, or fall off the wagon…

HELLOOOOOOO?!?!? I mean, GEESH?!?!? Am I just dumb or what???

Sometimes the truth stares me right in the face, and I still smile and deny its existance…UGH…One of my greatest flaws…Optimism…

Well…I think this latest round of journal vacation taught me what I ALREADY know…I will most likely journal for the rest of my life…

I feel sooo much better in just one day, I cant imagine how I will feel by weeks end…

Perhaps I truly can be at goal by Christmas…

We will see…

I am an optimist, right???

Good morning Buddies! Happy Monday!! 

Hope you all had a happy and healthy weekend… Well…A few things to report on… 

First of all…Last Wednesday I took my 13 year old niece to her first rock concert (Blue October) What an absolute riot she is! Truly… 

She was so very excited and looked so very cute that it was hard not to catch her enthusiasm. We had a ball and I feel so incredibly blessed to have been able to take her.  Her parents are pretty strict with her, and I had to beg them to let me take her, so I am glad they allowed me too…I don’t often get to experience the “Kid” thing, and it is always so delightful when I do… 

She caught the guitar pick of the opening act “Yellow Card” and I think her shriek of delight could be heard three counties over… I had no idea 13 year old girls could screech so loud! 

So, while I had an absolute blast with her, I will say, THANK GOD I don’t have a teenager!! WHEW…She wore me out…HAH… Really. She is a great girl. Very polite. A great student. On the honor roll and on a volley ball team…Outstanding child if I do say so myself! (Okay, so I am biased! SUE ME!!) 

The next day I had to take her to school…SOOOOOO weird…She is currently attending my old Junior High. I have not stepped foot in there in over 20 years!!! It was WILD…I had to walk her into the office to sign in since she was coming in late… I definitely had some major flashbacks…Darn school looks EXACTLY the same, except everything was sooo much smaller then I remembered…Different looking at the halls at the age of 35 as opposed to 13…  

So that was the major event of my week… Nothing much else to report… 

Weight loss is still going. I recommitted today to my food journal and looking forward to it…I haven’t truly journaled in months! UGH… I have to admit what I have already known. I am just not successful without it…Every time I try to stop, I just don’t do as well, even if I “Think” I am doing everything right…So here we go again!!!! 

I have been struggling to find a motivator of late… I have been missing a true motivator for a while now…A friend to keep me on track and accountable…Since Steve and I have separated, he has stopped going to workout with me…So I have kind of been on my own for many many months now…And, well, although I am ultimately responsible for my own motivation, I have sure missed having a good weight loss buddy… 

Anyway…That’s what I am searching for now…That person that’s going to give me a swift kick in the rear when I don’t want to journal. Or work out. Or when I want to eat a cheeseburger…That daily reminder of why I am doing this…  I need someone to remind me that I am aiming for complete and utter world domination here of hotness! HAH… Okay buddies. Take care of yourselves!!!

Oh my goodness buddies…

 UGH…

Okay…First…I have had a little bit of confusion surrounding me and Steve (That would be my husband to you new readers)…

 So lets get that weirdness out of the way…

Steve and I are still separated…We are, however, residing in the same home for now…I know. Its strange. But I am now staying in the spare bedroom. We did this because financially we can not carry a mortgage AND afford for me to get my own place…

We hope, by the new year I might be able to, but for now, this is what it is…

We sat down and established rules and guidelines, and actually, so far its working out pretty good…He is like a roomate, with benefits, if you catch my drift! HAH!!!

No really…Its going well…

Sooo. Lets get to my UGH moment…

Why is it that I am letting my job stress me out sooo much lately??? Seriously. I felt physical signs of stress today for the first time in  months. Immediate headache. Nausea. Heart palpatations…Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

I LOVE my job, but the volume is uncontrollable and unmanageable. And I take it all on internally…

And what do I want to do??

Well, eat of course!!!

I HATE THAT!!! I havent felt that way in sooooo long..

I guess because my old job was boring and stressless…Been a while since I have actually had to work hard…Geesh…Guess its a bit foreign to me!

Anyway. I am trying to stay sane. Trying to NOT let my job dictate my eating habits…But I am being tried greatly this week for sure…

Happy Tuesday all…