Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

Good morning Buddies!  Happy Tuesday! 

Well, I am feeling pretty darn good I must say…Thanks to all of you for all the feedback…I am liking the hair dark, I think…The husband likes it a lot and friends and family are still split about 50/50…  My boss said it makes me look more “serious”…Not really sure what that means!! LOL! J 

So I had dinner last night with some old old coworkers…Not old in age, but old as in three jobs ago! HAH!! J  I hadn’t seen them in over a year and a half!! 

One was my old boss whom I absolutely adored…But they fired her, of course, because she was actually one of those bosses that spoke on behalf of her employees…  My company at that time didn’t like that much…So they let her go, and I was devastated…I left about 4 months later after seven years there… 

Anyway, had a GREAT time catching up on all the work gossip…She is doing well…  So, I was sitting down when they all arrived, and they all mentioned my weight loss, which is cool and all…I have lost about 30 of my pounds since they last saw me… 

But then when we got up to leave, we all stood out in the parking lot for a while talking, and several of them said “Oh my god…You are sooo tiny!”  Now…At 180 pounds, I am far far far from tiny… 

However, I mention this ONLY because that is the second time in a week that I have been called TINY…ME!?!?!  Has the world gone mad??? 

Seriously…  Last Friday, I was hanging out with my girlfriends, and my friend Annette FIRST got mad because my ankles are smaller then her… 

MY ANKLES?!?!!? She was sooo upset…I mean, really, she is a size 6 people. I think I could handle having chunky ankles if I was a size 6, but anyway…  Then I am standing there…With a towel over my head, no less,  (Coloring my hair, of course!) when she said, “Girl, standing out here like that you look really really tiny!” 

So there you go. Twice in one week…  Who knew you could be tiny at 180 pounds?? 

Personally, I think it’s all rather ridiculous, but you know what, it all felt good. Really really good…  I am doing well on my diet these days…Sticking to plan. Feeling good physically and mentally for the first time in months… 

I feel like I am getting my spark back…My spirit…My voice…And that is a GREAT feeling…  I have missed me… 

So take care all! Hope you are all doing well!!!  Love ya-Dawn

To my hair, that is!!! LOL!!!

There it is buddies…Me with dark auburn hair…I left the blond pick up in my profile too.

Feel free to tell me which you like the best…

So far, its running about 50/50!!!

Anyway, I am off to the hospital in a few to get some X-rays done…What a great way to spend a Saturday morning…

Then off to the gym and then my sister and I are spending the day together…

WOO HOO!!

Take care all!

Happy Friday all!  WOO HOO!!! How much do we love Friday’s???? Well, WE ABSOLUTELYL ADORE THEM!!! 

Mine started off bleak and rainy here in
Ohio…Perfect PJ weather I say! Alas, I had to come to work…BUMMER…And they will NOT let me work in my p.j.s which I think is a total shame… 

Well, weigh in went well. NOT great, but well… Here is the deal…The REAL deal… 

CONFESSION TIME!!!!! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Two weeks ago I had climbed back up to 189!!!!! YEP…Egads!!! I about had a heart attack!!! 

Now, that was prior to my meltdown…I am now referring to my life as PRE Meltdown and POST meltdown! J HAH!!! (I laugh, because I now can!) On Monday, at the doctors office no less, I was down to 183, fully clothed…Today, I am down to 181!! Not quite back to where I was, but getting there…8 pounds in two weeks is okay by me…So I am excited… 

I need to work just a bit harder and I know this…I am still letting my job get me off track, due to long hours…I need to stand up for myself and take back some of my time… So my goal is to be at 175 by end of August…And my new GOAL goal, is to be AT GOAL by Christmas…I know I can do this…If I want it bad enough… 

That’s about it for me today kids… Gonna color my hair today…Going darker I think…Just need a change…Gonna hang out with my girlfriends tonight and my sisters tomorrow… 

Staying busy and keeping occupied… Have a great weekend all and best of luck on your weigh in’s!

Wow…It’s been a while again, huh??

I am ever so sorry about that…

I have been trying very hard to make my way back to this site for quite some time now…For some reason I cant quite get back on the wagon as far as buddyslim goes…

I come on to check emails and update my ticker, but that pretty much takes up all my energy these days…

So, I won’t give you a lengthy explanation, as I really don’t think this is the place to do so…

But did want to say that I have been gone battling my own demons, so to speak.

I have not felt comfortable blogging for quite some time, because, well, this is a weight loss support site, not a depression support site…In addition to that, I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes you just want to say “ENOUGH ALREADY” when you read blog after blog about the same thing…

So that is why I primarily pulled away. I have sought help, and am receiving help for the first time in my 35 years from my personal physician, a counselor, and the help of medication.

I should also say I am getting some incredible support from a few friends and my family, of course…I tried to pull away from all of them too, but a few of them refused to let me…And I thank them for their determination…This was an extremely big step, and incredibly hard step for me. To admit defeat, so to speak…I could not battle this one alone, and it was not easy to reach out for help…

Depression, anxiety, and all sorts of darkness runs in my family, and I fought it for a long time because of that…

I am (used to be) extremely independent, a perfectionist, and incredibly hard on myself. So to admit there were things going on in my life that were irrational, and beyond my control, well…Lets just say it hasn’t been easy…

Soooo…I am now being treated, and so far, so good…Baby steps, right???

I imagine, like most things, my recovery will be slow, but I have lots of hope that I can get back to the sparkling, vibrant person I was…I miss that girl a lot…And I don’t feel like I have truly seen her since this time last year…

I am excited to welcome her back…

So, to end on a somewhat happier note, my diet is finally under control…100% actually for the first time in months…

I think this is a side affect of the other chaos in my life…My diet. My weight is the one thing I CAN control right now…So I have channeled some of my OCD over into that…In a positive way…

So I have dropped several pounds in the last two weeks…

I am hoping for a really nice weigh in come Friday…I can feel a good one coming…YAY!!! Finally!!!

I will continue to update my ticker and weigh in here, and I hope to eventually get back to blogging and reading blogs…That is a goal of mine, as it truly did help me…

I appreciate those of you who have sent private emails to me…It is nice to be gone for a while, to pop in, and notice that someone has missed you…Very nice feeling…

Finally, I would like to send a GIANT congratulations to my buddy Catrina who has truly become the epitome of a true weight loss success story by closing in on a 100 pound weight loss in 7 months…Truly an inspiration to anyone who felt they just cant do it…She has just proven to all of you that you can…

First of all, can I just say how very confusing all these new names are on the site? I have NO IDEA who anyone is anymore when I try to read blogs…UGH…

Okay…

Lets talk about me now, okay??? HAH!!!!

Just a quickie today to say that so far, my new plan is working…I increased the exercise and threw out the food journal, and today I found myself down two pounds…

Buddies, you all know I sure needed to see that downward movement! I feel really really motivated now…How long will it last? God only knows, but its here now, so I will take it!

I wont change my ticker till my official weigh in on Friday, but I am very very hopefull…

Husband and I went to our first counseling session last night and it went REALLY well. It was weird. No lie. Odd talking about such personal things with a complete stranger, but it opened up a lot of dialogue between us and this is good…

TOM is coming this week too, which sucks, but I am trying not to let him interfere with me…Damn him…

Anyway, take care all and I hope by next week to be a bit more regular around here. Life is finally slowing down a bit. I have been reading blogs but havent been able to comment. I hope to start commenting more next week…

Take care all!

Dawnie

Happy Sunday buddies!

Well, the weekend started off pretty rough. Mentally, I have been as drained and challenged as one can be without going into the deep end…

Well, Okay…Mayb I DID fall overboard…But I kicked and kicked and managed to stay afloat!

Friday sucked and Saturday morning did too. I was having a HUGE freakin pity party for myself…I was soooo whiney I was annoying myself!

Truly, you  know you have problems when you get on your own nerves!

Saturday morning I was mad at the world. Several small, personal things played into this, but truly, most of my loved ones fell into my “Oh woe is me” tirade…I was pretty mad at all of them…Thankfully, none of them were aware of this!! HAH!!!

So, to releive some stress and frustration, I went to the gym. I worked out, and hated every minute of it. But I did it!

THEN, my day got better…Truly…

Met my two sisters for lunch and drinks, and for the first time in three years all of us were together. Laughing. Talking. Drinking!!! We had a blast. And truly, it must have been what I needed because I feel 10 times better today!

Reading all of your comments and your blogs have helped pull me out of my dolldroms too. So thank you to all of you who took the time. YOU ARE ALL APPRECIATED!

I am not even close to 100%, but I am still moving on…For I really have no other choice…

My new plan is this…I am throwing out my food journal for a while…

WHAT???? WHAT DID SHE SAY???? Yes, most of you know, I am a DIE HARD beleiver and user of the food journal. The old fashioned PAPER kind. I carry it everywhere and for nearly EVERY DAY of the last three and a half years, I have written down every morsel…I am completely and utterly burned out on it…

Soooo. While I struggle to find my way back to the path of righteous rockin weight loss, I needed to make some changes…This is a change I can make…

I am giving myself one month without it. I will try during that time to eat right and utilize portion control, while increasing my exercise…

If, after a month, nothing has changed, then I will bring it back and change something else…

See, I think focusing on both things right now, the eating and the exercising has stressed me out, burned me out, whatever…So I picked the thing that has made the greatest difference, and I gotta be honest…The exercise won out…

Do not get me wrong. YOU NEED BOTH TO BE SUCCESSFUL…I know this. But until I can get myself grounded again, I need to focus on just one…

And the exercise has changed my body and my life….So I am starting there…I do not plan on eating McD’s every night. NO WAY…What I hope to do is learn to make good choices WITHOUT the help of my food journal. I need to test myself to see if I can do this on my own…

I feel pretty good today…

Bought a new dress for the wedding next week. Right off the rack at Kohls…A large…No EXTRA large, just a large. And it fit and I look nice in it. I will, of course, post pics!

So thanks for putting up with me and all my rantings and my abandonment…

I am trying very very hard to fight my way back here. For myself first and foremost, but for you all second…So that you know that if someone as half baked as I am can do it, then CERTAINLY all of you normal folks can do it too!!!

Have a great great week guys!

Love-

Dawnie

Well…Here I am…

I suppose I knew I couldnt stay away forever…Although I did try…Rather unsuccessfully… :roll: 

I miss you guys!

I have been reading some blogs, and comments, and want to start by saying that I did not leave because of the changes. Nope. I actually like the changes and would never leave based solely on that…

I left because I myself felt completely lost, and felt I could not be a good buddy to you all if I myself didnt have a plan…

So…let me explain…

I have been with buddyslim for almost a year now…I have been on my journey for over three years now…

Now. For my die hard faithful readers and my bestest buddies, you will remember that through out the fall, I did rather well. Lost almost 30 pounds…

But, my life was also spiriling out of control. I was successful because I put myself first. I thought ONLY of myself for many many months. I was selfish. Extremly. This made me successful at the weight loss, but it made me NOT so successful in life…

So come January I received a wake up call of sorts. And started to get my life back in control. But, while I did that, I lost control of my weight loss.  :sad: 

For some reason, I have been unsuccessful at finding a balance…

I have lost and gained the same 7 pounds several times over since January…7 months…

I feel like an absolute failure. And that is why I felt I had to leave this site…I couldnt handle that feeling…

So where am I today???

Well, I am here, for one. For how long, I do not know. But I do know I miss you guys. I miss blogging. I miss the support and I miss the accountabililty. Yes, I may not have been as successful these last 7 months, but at least I had cheerleaders…

At least, when I had a crappy day, I could come out here and be surrounded by folks who got it…Instead of dealing with it on my own…

I have completely withdrawn from a lot of things in the last two months. And this has made me very very sad and depressed… :cry: 

Here is the true heart of the matter buddies:

I got on the scale today and could not beleive what I saw…I am right where I was in January. AGAIN…

I mean, I am like a freakin broken record here…I KNOW how to do this. I HAVE done this. Yet, I sadly cant seem to do it…I dont know why…

I can not seem to get my life together at all these days.

My marriage, sadly, is taking a beating. Its a rather long story, but I am guessing anyone on here who has been married knows that some days its easy and somedays its the hardest thing in the world…Its been a rough year for my hubby and me to say the very least…

There truly is no bad guy here. We simply just cant seem to connect like we once did…

We are not giving up, by any means, but we will start marriage counseling next week to see if there is hope for us…We have been together for 14 years…

My new job, while good, and exciting, has been extremly stressful…I am working harder then I have in years. I like this, but find its hard to maintain my beloved routines…Lots of long hours means no walks, lunches on the go, and all out diet sabatouge…

I sit here today feeling FAT. Depressed. Ugly. Sad. Nerves on edge. I feel pulled in 10 directions by family, job and friends. And on the outside I keep smiling while on the inside I slowly die…

I seriously feel I am about to crack…Just like the nut that dear Mary once said I was!! :smile: 

Sooo. I reset my weight tracker to accurately reflect where I am…Yes. I am still in the 180’s. I HATE THAT…

And thats why I stayed away…

But I didnt like what I saw on the scale. I dont WANT to be 185…I have come far and I am proud of that, but I want to finish.

I simply dont know how at this point. Honest…

So, until I get a plan and figure it out, I thought I would at least come out here and purge my thoughts onto this blog…

It has worked in the past so hopefullly it will once again…

If any of you are still around, I appreciate you reading this…

Its rather depressing for me, I realize, but, thats kind of where I have been the last few months…

I am trying to find my way back. Honest…

Jo, Nikki, Becky, Tracey, Lidecka and Maggie, you guys are great great great buddies, and I thank you all…

Jo, girl, I LOVE YOU…Honestly. I read your blogs and yes, I do beleive we are in the same spot once again…Heres hoping that one or the other, or god willing BOTH of us get out soon!!! :razz: 

Take care all…

Dawnie