My last day…
Hmmm. I am really not even sure how to begin this blog?
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Been sitting here for 15 minutes thinking it through?And I don?t really have an answer yet, so I think I am just going to open my thoughts and let them pour?Let my fingers do the typing and see if I make any sense at the end?
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I think, someday, when I am done with this journey, I shall truly try to write a book about the ups and downs of a significant weight loss journey?I really don?t think that my journey has been or will be any different from any body else?s?There are mental reasons we all became fat, and there are mental reasons we all want to lose the weight?There will be mental reasons some of us fail, and some of us succeed?And until we get to the heart of that mental matter, we will keep going round and round in this cycle?
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I am absolutely convinced that this journey is probably 95% mental?I think where I may differ from some is that I talk about it more?I talk a lot?About everything?You may have noticed that! 
Just my personality. I don?t really believe in holding back your thoughts and feelings?Honesty has always been incredibly important to me?Honesty to others, but above all, to myself?
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I, of course, reflected quit a bit this weekend?
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For the last few months, I have been thinking that it is because of my weight loss that I actually kind of ?Wigged Out? for a while?I mean, I truly was not myself for way too many months?But I think it finally hit me this weekend that it wasn?t the weight loss that did it, necessarily?It was what the weight loss was hiding?
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See, we, all of us, I think, use our weight as an excuse? ?People don?t like me because I am fat?? ?I can?t do that because I am fat?? ?I have enough to deal with being fat, I can?t tackle that too?? It is far too easy to blame the fat?
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See, we don?t fix the things that need fixing, because we can?t quite see them through the fat? When you shed significant amounts of weight, those things are finally revealed to you. You really have no choice BUT to acknowledge that it might not have been the fat?It might have just been YOU!! And you can fix them, or not, the choice is still yours, but if you choose to fix them, well, it starts a whole other journey?
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I have read several articles on this subject, and it is truly, truly not uncommon for marriages to end after one, or both partners lose a significant amount of weight. I believe the reason for this is the above?Shedding the weight not only reveals the good newer parts of you, it often reveals some parts you might have been hiding?From others and yourself?Parts that were less then stellar?
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I believe this is also why some of us lose friendships as well?The toxic nature of some of our relationships are finally revealed, and you have to chose to cut them lose, if you want to continue getting healthy in mind and spirit?
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So this weekend, it was quite pretty here in Central Ohio?So late yesterday afternoon, I sat on my deck, in full sun, and I just thought?
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And I thought, if this was my last day on earth, how would I want to spend it???
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If I died tonight, and I get to heaven, and look back over my last day on earth, do I want to have spent that day thinking about my weight?? Obsessing about that weight??? Or obsessing about things that I really can?t control? Thinking of my friends and their lives and things that really don?t impact me?? Thinking about lost opportunities, and missed connections??? Dwelling in my head thinking of every single ?What if? or ?If only? ??? Analyzing myself and others to death????
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The answer is a giant NO?I do not want my last day on earth to be that?
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Sooooo, since none of us ever know when our number will be called, I decided I must DAILY strive to not do that?I must somehow over come my mind. This is the next step in my journey?
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I want my last day on earth to be full of thoughts of love?
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I want to think about my husband who has loved me, made me laugh, shared all the ups and downs of my adult years with me?I want to think of my mom, and how she makes me laugh. And how she single handedly raised two beautiful daughters with no man by her side. I want to think of my sisters and all the memories we share?I want to reflect kindly on my friends, and individually, what they have all brought to my life.
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I want to think about my animals?How they have loved me unconditionally. How they are excited to see me EVERY day?How they could care a less if I was 300 pounds or 100 pounds. All they ask from me is food, water, a soft place to lay their heads at night, and the occasional potty break?
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And above all, I want to smile?Smile and laugh?
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That would be my ideal last day?And I hope that day doesn?t come for many many years, but in the event that it comes sooner rather then later, I have promised myself that I will at least TRY?I will try to spend less time in my head with negative thoughts, and try, instead, to just BE?To be me. To be happy. To enjoy what I have been given and stop wondering why I haven?t been given more? 
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I shall appreciate how far I have come in my weight loss (And LIFE) journey, and enjoy my success?I will strive for more, but I wont obsess about it. I won?t beat myself up for not being a certain size by a certain date?
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I shall appreciate the folks who have chosen to share my life, and let go of those who have chosen not to share my life?
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These are the things I shall TRY from this day on?
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?There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.? ~Christopher Morley
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Wow cool blog Dawn!! I think that is a great thought.. Live every day like it were your last!! Easy to get caught up in the day to day and think negative.. I’m good at that one too!! Definitely the right attitude about the weight loss too.. It isn’t a race.. No need to be there by a certain date.. Let that weight come off the way it wants too.. End result is still the same!! Great attitude!!
Great insight, Dawnie.
I think I’ve been trying to live every day like it was my last ever since I got on that bus from Arkansas to California 7 years ago! And it’s been a whirlwind ride ever since! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my down days, but for the most part it’s been one helluva ride!
Thank you Dawn, you have put it perfectly. You have answered a lot of questions I have had lately. You have hit the nail on the head. I only hope I can learn as you have and change my mental attitude. I have tried so hard recently, especially after losing my mother to bring myself out of the mental attitude. I only fall back into it, wish it could be as easy to do as it is to say.
Good Luck and keep up the great work! Life is way to short not to live everyday as if it is our last! Enjoy Life While We Have It!
Dawn, you made me cry this morning reading this blog! That is how each of us should live every day- I really needed that today. Thank you for sharing. If you ever do write a book I want an autographed copy!
You really hit the nail on the head with that one!
I have been doing a lot of that kind of soul searching before I started again with my weightloss journey. The fact is that I needed to do that before I could even try to lose the weight. I, now, have a man who loves me just as I am…and have dealt with some of the trauma of my past and am finally ready to deal with whatever comes after my weightloss. We are all very special individuals…and this journey has just made us learn about ourselves a little more than we may have thought possible.
Have a great and blessed day! Take Care!
Tracey
Great blog Dawnie! It’s so easy to get caught up in over analyzing stuff and make yourself miserable. I know I’m totally guilty of that! Thanks for the perspective!
wow that really hit a soft spot, as you always do share from the heart and from experience, its always nice reading your blogs, becasue in some way shape or form we can always relate,you like someone i wish lived next door,, always happy to see ya,, and well looks like this weekend we were on the soul train together, was doing alot of thinking this weekend as i always do but sometimes i get a little deep..
and well life is funnt on how things trigger our emotions and review whats important and what can be addressed later on down the road,’only now can i see life in a different light after experiencing things in life i can really share if i had to, and you my dear girl i dont even know and i am so proud of your transition, hope when your weight lose journey in life is done,everything in your life is right where you want it to be, and there will be no more obsessions and challenges as hard as the weight loss journey is,long and fustrating at times but you are a inspiration to alot of us here and for that we will always remember ..keep up the good work and enjoy your life,.
Beautiful Dawnie. This is exactly how we should all live our lives. Loving, laughing, caring, sharing, and smiling for what we have in our lives instead of whats missing. I have been giving my life alot of thought lately too and I should get down on my knees and thank God for what I have and what I have been blessed with. We are all here on this beautiful planet still, so let’s sit back and start to enjoy it!!
Dawn, those are beautiful thoughts. You’re right - we hide our other insecurities in our weight, and when we finally gain the courage to shed the weight, those have to go along with or else we’re just set up to gain it back! I think living every day to the fullest should be a goal we all strive to meet!
You probably won’t but remember how we once shared a discussion about the obession of weight loss versus living? That I said “maybe I am not ready, then” because I just didn’t want to obsess about it every single day? Losing weight is probably going to take me many many many years, but I am not in a race, I’ve decided. Anyhow, to be frank, back in Jan it sounded as if you were in a race - perhaps for your big upcoming birthday bash - but maybe you’ve figured out that this year will be your year precisely because you are smooth sailing, on the home stretch, going along for the ride, rather than speeding, careening towards your goal. Maybe I have it all wrong in which case I’ll say sorry I didn’t major in Psych. Stop and smell the roses, Dawn, is such a powerful thing to enact.
Ok, you scared me there with the “my last day…” title. I thought you meant it was your last day HERE. Thank god, because its blogs like this one and every single one you write that would make us miss you like crazy if you weren’t here. You always manage to put into words what so many of us feel or don’t know we feel until you say it and we sit back and go “THAT’S what its all about”. The part about your animals loving you unconditionally hit home big time. That is SO true. Makes me well up a little. When you reach that point just before you decide to do something like this, sometimes you feel like your animals are the only ones in the world that love you, and you know they will love you always. It makes you appreciate life just a little bit more. Once again, thank you for your inspiring blog and thank you for sharing it with us. I appreciate every word as always. Peace Out…
Janis
Great blog Dawnie and so right! I think LIFE in general is 95% mental. I just finished reading “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne and it’s about living life with this principle in mind. Mental state is what life is all about. With this new outlook on life, you’re sure to find the happiness and beauty in each day.
You did it again Dawn. I for one, admire your honesty and your ability to open up to us. I, too believe in letting it all out, specially in here. I believe that because of this, some of you guys know me better than my friends and family do.
Don’t know if you read Jessica’s blog, but hers touched on some of the points you brought up in yours.
Thank you Dawn for pouring your heart, thoughts and feelings to us. I feel priviledge and quite honored.
As always, you have touched my heart in an unimaginable way.
May God bless you my sweet friend.
Quite the beautiful blog! A little soul searching is such a wonderful thing.