Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

 

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Okay?I too, have a confession to make this week?

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As noted in my previous blog, life has kind of knocked the wind out of me once again!!! GOOD GRIEF!!! Does it ever stop???

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Well, as I wallowed in self pity and self doubt last night, I decided that NO?It doesn?t?Its called life?

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So this whole week I have been REALLY feeling the pull of leaving this website?I have been feeling incredibly sorry for myself, and at times when I do this, I tend to withdraw into myself and try to fix things all on my own?

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Also mentioned in my previous blog, my diet and exercise has been off kilter for 4 days now, and for someone like me, that?s enough really, to throw me off the train entirely?

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Or I should say, it would have?

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So, if you have read Scott?s blog, you know that he is taking a break for a while to take care of his family?

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As most of you know, Scott has been my number one weight loss buddy since the get go?I have credited him with a lot of my success these last six months?

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So yesterday, when he made his decision, WHICH I FULLY SUPPORT, by the way, I did have more then a moment of panic thinking, ?What am I going to do now???How will I continue on this journey without his daily support? And I had decided I probably can?t?I will now fail?

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My husband, who has been on every up and down of this very bumpy journey, as I voiced my fears to him, very quietly replied ?I have no doubt that his support and friendship helped keep you motivated Dawn, but he did not lose the weight for you. You did that. And you will continue to do that. Because you are not the same person you were 6 months ago when you restarted this journey.?

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He then also pointed out, that although Scott was my first buddy, he is by no means my only buddy?He kindly reminded me that I need this site, and this site needs me?

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So all these things I contemplated throughout the long night?

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Then, I got in here this morning, and popped on here. I had no intention of bloging or anything?Just out of habit mostly?And I had TWO messages in my inbox?Two people who were checking in, and/or asking for my support?I also had a message in my regular email from somebody who had seen me on another website and asked if I would be her buddy?It was like a giant sign from above, I tell you?

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So, because of that, I want to send out a couple thank yous:

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Val and Kristina, you will never know how very much I needed both of your messages this morning. Your timing could not have been more perfect.

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To all of my buddies out here, who have been consistent buddies to me, read my blogs, leave comments, boosters, etc?I thank you!!!

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Scott-Thank you for being a great weight loss buddy! I will miss your humor and support like crazy, but I wish you and Tracey all the best with the next leg of your journey. I hope you will check back from time to time and let us know how you both are doing?You were a GREAT weight loss buddy?

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Steve, what can I tell you that you don?t already know?Thank you for still loving me?

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So I will end this confession on a happier note. I am here. I am alive. And as of today, I am two pounds lighter! I am one pound away from a 60 pound loss and 7 pounds away from my next mini-goal?

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I CAN DO THIS, I know this?

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Thank you for reading and I wish you all much success!

Well buddies, happy Monday! It is a dreary, wet one here in Ohio…So much rain that we are under all kind of flood warnings, and I beleive work has started on an Ark for us all to live on…

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I am feeling a bit off kilter today!

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I am very much a structured individual…I like my life organized and my routines in place…

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When this doesnt happen (and lets face it, it gets messed up a lot!) I feel a bit out of whack and a struggle insues…

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This week my whole weight loss diet and exercise routine are completely inside out…This is due to a personal situation that has taken me away from home for the week…

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Due to this, I have a different set of exercises, and a different facility I must use…I have to eat out A LOT, and I dont have computer access at night! Cant even jump on here and blog, or comment…(Hence why I read all your blogs, but havent commented much in the last few days!)

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So you can see, I am struggling…

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I am eating only when hungry, because I have to go out to eat…This means I am not eating as frequently as I should be or even as much as I think I should be…

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And my exercise is completely whacked…In just two days, I feel like I am losing it a bit…

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So I am worried friends…

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Now, this is a situation, kind of, of my own making, so its really no ones fault but mine, but I sure hope today I can gather some control of the situation and still end up with a loss for the week!!!

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EGADS…Isnt it crazy how life disruptions trickle down into every other part of our worlds?

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Well, thats about all I have to say today…

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Here’s hoping for a sunnier day tomorrow!

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Dawnie

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Happy Saturday Buddies!

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YAY! Its the weekend!

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So, yesterday at work, I did some research…Trying to find an accurate calorie counter for myself…

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See, I was thinking I havent really adjusted my calories in a while, well over two years, and that maybe I need too either INCREASE due to my added workouts, or DECREASE due to some weight loss…

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Let me tell you…NOT an exact science these darn counters! I went to three different websites and got three different results…

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However, I did find one on a medical website that seemed to make more sense than the others…

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I currently use 1200 calories…According to this website, to MAINTAIN my current weight I need 2600!!!!!!! EGADS…Thats a lot! And to loose, I could drop to 2100…Now…That seems awfully high to me and there is absolutely NO WAY I will consume that many calories any time soon!

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But the most interesting statistic is that for me to maintain my BODY functioning (Metabolism, heart rate, breathing, etc) I need to maintain 1500 calories!!! WOW…So maybe my problem IS that I am not getting enough calories!!!

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I also confirmed that whole theory “You have to eat to lose weight” with several other sources…So I know it is a proven fact…

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So next week I am bumping myself up to 1400 a day to see if I can get a better scale reading…(I know, still worried about the scale!)

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Now…For the depressing part of the story…I send my statistics to a friend, and at the bottom in nice bold letters it says “Your BMI is 33.7, you are considered OBESE by the heart lung association (or some such silliness)…

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REALLY??? GEESH!!! Thanks for that newsflash gentlemen…I have lost almost 60 pounds and I still cant catch a break?!?! I was soooo depressed…

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So this friend says “Well, you are the cutest Obese chick I have ever met!”…Whatever! I was still depressed…

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So then I go home and show everything to my husband…GOD BLESS HIM!!! He found my silver lining, very bluntly, and very matter of factly…He says:

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“Well, you USED to be Morbidly Obese, so thats progress dear!” (Side note, when I started my BMI was 44!!!)

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AMEN!!!!

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So heres to hoping for the day to arrive when I can NO LONGER be called Obese, because I HATE HATE HATE that word…Heres to the day when I can simply be called FAT or Overweight…

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GEESH!

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Have a great weekend buddies!!!

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Okay. So that title probably pulled at least one of you in?(Scott???)

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I have never bought into this whole water=weight loss theory?

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Yes, I have heard the experts, I have read the evidence, I have tried it numerous times, but it never seems to make a difference?

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And who are these so called experts that say if you drink water you won?t be hungry??? HUH?? That has NEVER worked for me?

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Hell, I could drink a tub full and still be hungry!

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But last week, there were blogs everywhere out here touting the benefits of water?

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And since my best buddy Scott drinks more then anyone I have ever met (Yes, both water AND beer!)  I thought perhaps I should revisit the water situation?

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Sooo. I decided to give it a go for two weeks. I would replace my favorite Diet Orange Sunkist with water?And see what happens?

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Well, I am at the end of week one, and here is my conclusion:

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Drinking more water has done absolutely NOTHING but wear out the carpet between my desk and the bathroom! Thank God I am a salaried employee or I would be docked some pay for all the hours I have spent Pee-ing (Is that TMI??)

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So?I will give it a full additional week and an official weigh in before I come to a complete conclusion, but so far, I am less then impressed my H2O loving friends?

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I gotta go now?Literally!

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XOXOXOXO

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Dawn

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Okay…I am frustrated…I admit…I am a slave to my scale… Shhhh…Dont tell anyone!

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I usually weigh in once a week, only on Fridays…But for kicks, I get on the scale today just to see, and it hasnt BUDGED…UGH!!!!

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I feel, TRULY, like I have not had significant, GOOD, weight loss since November…

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YET…I feel better about my body now then I have ever before…I KNOW my body is changing…I can feel it, I can see it…SO WHY IS THE SCALE BEING A PAIN IN MY ASS?????????

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I increased my workout last night FINALLY after talking about it for a month…Went from 30 minutes to an hour…Added in lots of new stuff, and today, my body is SORE…So I know I did the right thing…

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Here’s the thing…I have been talking about this for over a month…I have repeatedly told DH that this is gonna happen…

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In my house, this is how changes occur…I start by dropping little hints for a few weeks, and then I start coming right out and say it many many times over the next few weeks…Just so there is no doubt about my intentions…(BOYS, Is this a man thing, or just my husbands quirk???) if I dont do this, then I hear “I had NO IDEA you were gonna do that” even though usually we have discussed it 32 times by then…

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Okay…I digress…

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So I go up to the work out room last night and work my little ass off, litterally, come back and hear “Man, you were gone a long time!” with an implied guilt trip…UGH!!!!! An hour for myself is apparently too much…

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Okay, so back to the other story…So I am in a size 14 now…There was a time when I was in a size 20 that I couldnt even FATHOM being a 14…I DREAMED about being a 14, and felt anyone who was a 14 should consider themselves lucky to be there…

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Now that I am here, I dont want it anymore…I WANT MORE!!! I am tired of being in the 180’s…I want to be in the 170’s now! I want to be an 11/12 now or God willing, a 9/10!!!!! And I am mad at myself for NOT being happy with what I have…

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Yet again, last night, I was sitting on my weight bench, checking out my arms and legs, and I KNOW my body is/has changed…BIG TIME…And I am proud and happy for that…

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So why am I still relying on the damn scale????

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GOOD GRIEF!!! Okay…Thanks for letting me vent…

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You guys rock!!!!!!

So today I shall blog about perceptions?

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Mine and yours?

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I have, over the course of the last months, been very blessed to have added some great new friends and acquaintances to my repertoire?

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Remarkably, a lot of them are on-line friends?People I have never ever laid eyes on, yet have connected with like no others?

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This, in my opinion, is directly related to my weight loss journey?As each pound drops, so then does one small layer of shyness, insecurity, and plain old life garbage?

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I have started to emerge from a shell I wasn?t even fully aware I was in!

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I am now being who I wanted to be, and even thought I was being, for the last 15 years?

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What has struck me as odd, or maybe not odd, but maybe more of a point of inner reflection, is how these new people in my life seem to see me?

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And what I struggle with the most, as I continue on my journey, is how I see myself?

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You see, I find it very difficult to see myself as you see me?

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I am a good person?I do know this. My heart is true and pure. It sometimes makes mistakes, but at my core, I am good?I am smart, I know this. I have a decent sense of humor?And on a good day, heck, I am even kind of cute?Even as a fat girl, I am a cute fat girl! So these things I know?

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But lately, I have been hearing things that are new to me?

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That I am inspiring. That I have an inner beauty. That I am funny. That I am pretty?That people WANT to be around me?(Me???)?

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Now, I don?t share these things with you because I am on a giant ego trip, trust me?I share these things with you because I don?t understand them, or where people are seeing them, and why I can not see them myself?

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When I talk, I talk for myself. When I blog, I blog for myself?When I dress, I dress for myself, so that I feel good, not for anyone else?I have always tried to live this way?

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I don?t think I am anything extraordinary?My personality is a bit off beat and unique, but that?s about it?

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At the END of my journey, I certainly hope to inspire people to do the same. I want to help people with their weight loss journey?I guess I never assumed I could help them while still on my own?

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I have blogged about the whole EYE thing before, so I won?t rehash that, but again this weekend I had a new acquaintance, a young lady, look right at me and say ?You have the most intense eyes I have ever seen!? Not pretty, or nice blue eyes, intense! I was floored?Truly I was?In a good way?Because I have always WANTED that?I try to always look people in the eye, and intently hear what they are saying?I want people to know I am listening, that their thoughts are validated?I have strived for this, and man, someone recognized it!!! WOW…

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To very simply illustrate my point, I went shopping last week with a gift card my sister sent me?I bought new, much needed work clothes. I do not, DID not try anything on?I don?t do that ever?

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I shopped in the women?s  section, because that?s where I have always shopped?I picked up an XL shirt because it looked like it would fit?And that?s what I have always done?

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I put the shirt on today, and big surprise?It does NOT fit..Its huge?I should have gone with a large?

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So why oh why, can I not get it through my head, that I am not an XL anymore?????

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Why cant I be easier on myself and see the GOOD things that others are seeing?

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Why is it nearly impossible for me to just graciously accept a compliment, without writing it off or offending the person who is giving it to me???

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Why do I assume if someone is giving me a compliment, they must be lying? Crazy? Or blind?

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Why do I continue to be my own worst enemy while trying to be my own best cheerleader???

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Why can I not just humbly accept the fact that I am NOT who I once was, and that its OKAY?!

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Why do I allow myself to treat me so disrespectfully and unkind when I would NEVER tolerate that from other people????

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Why can I not just sit back and allow my life to unfold without always asking why?????????????????????????

Happy Sunday Morning Buddies!

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I am behind on all your blogs and I apologize…Had a busy night Friday and a busy day Saturday…I am going to read away though this afternoon!!!

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Soooo. I went out last night with my little sister…With her and two of her friends…A girls night out in the truest sense of the word…

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I can honestly say buddies, that last night was TRULY the first night that I have gone out since losing my weight that I actually felt good from head to toe!!! And the entire night!

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I mean, I just felt good…I was not the skinniest girl in the group, but for the first time in a long long time, I was not the largest either…And I gotta say…It was a good good feeling…

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We went to a local, neighborhood bar kind of place I had never been…A live band was playing, and I do have to be honest, we conversed with many many people…It was great fun…

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I was not shy, I didnt just sit there like I would have in the past, I danced, I drank, I talked to the band…

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I actually, at one point, walked up to a table of three young men and asked them if they would just quit staring at us and buy us drinks already…AND THEY DID!!!!

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I would NEVER have done that before…EVER…

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It was a wonderful night…For many reasons…But the biggest one is that I felt good…Simply good…And any of us with weight problems know that it is indeed a rare feeling to go out and feel like you could truly take on the town…

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Buddies, last night I could have taken on that town, and any other…

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And it has given me a GREAT boost of confidence and energy to get these last 35 pounds off…

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Have a great Sunday friends!!!

 

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GOOD GRIEF…

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So today is weigh in Friday…And the first official weigh in I have had since the holidays (and TOM) really…

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I am down a pound…UGH!!!

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Okay. Yes, I am being ungrateful and bratty…ONE POUND…I am glad, yes, yes…But geesh!! These one pound weeks are KILLING ME!! I have not had a two-three pound loss in a looooong time…

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At the slow slow slow pace I am losing, I will be 82 years old before I reach goal!  (Okay, slight exageration, maybe!)

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So, This morning, I reflect on this…I have no one to blame but myself…

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I have exercised this week, (Tues, wed, and Thurs)….And my eating has been good until yesterday…I WAS over calories a bit yesterday due to my best friend INSISTING we have Chinese for lunch!  (I was powerless to stop it!!!)

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I did write it in my journal, and utilized portion control, but clearly, not a wise choice the day before weigh in…

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Soooo…I am incredibly tired of one pounders… I have scolded myself properly. I have accepted the FULL blame of this, because there IS more I could be doing…And I know this…

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(Dont you hate it when yourself is right?!?)

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And I realize if I want to reach my goal by May…I really do need to crack the whip and get moving…I had that intention last week, and I need to just do it…Increased workouts, decreased calories, Increase my WATER intake (Scott!!!!!) and just start making better choices for me…So I can get this darn thing accomplished…

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UGH! Thanks for listening to me whine today buddies!!!!!!

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I KNOW what NEEDS to happen…Just gotta MAKE it happen…Happy Friday everyone!!!!!

So for Christmas, Santa brought be a Scanner…I have wanted one for years…But I guess I hadnt been a very good girl in past years…For some reason, Santa was VERY good to me this year!

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Let me back up a second…I LOVE PHOTOGRAPHS…I like to take them (And I do!) I am rarely without my camera…I like looking at them, mine, yours…I have been known to go up to complete strangers and ask to see their photos…(Okay, so it was one time in a bar with too much alcohol consumption!)

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But I think you get the point…

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There is something about a photo…It captures one precise moment in time that will never ever come around again…That moment, in that photo, is final, and the only evidence of its existance is that photo…

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So…Back to my scanner…I have had MUCH fun with this thing. I am scanning everything I can get my hands on!

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So I have recently come across some high school era photos of myself…I find it incredibly important to insert here that I have ALWAYS felt FAT…I should say, I assumed I was fat…

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Looking at this pics, I quite clearly was not, and it makes me angry now that no one told me that back then…

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I was a size 7!!!!!! Sure, its not a size 2, but come on…Far from Plus Size…

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Here is the point of this rambling blog…Last night, after scanning said pictures, I looked at them hard…From an outsiders view…As if I were looking at a stranger…Perhaps, in a small way, I was…But then I looked at the most recent pics of myself…And I gotta tell ya…

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My face, my neck, my features are much closer now to looking like those old pics from 15 years ago, then they are to my FAT pictures at 241 pounds… 

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And boy…That is a releif…

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Because I very recently, while at the in-laws for Christmas, saw some old fat pics of myself, and I didnt even recognize that girl! I felt sad for her…

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I can not beleive I have wasted 15 years being her…

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Sometimes, it takes a picture…It takes looking on from the outside, to realize where you belong…

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I dont belong in the fat pictures anymore…

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Okay buddies?

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Truly, I hesitate to even post this blog. I do?For my long term buddies, it will probably come as no surprise to you that I am at least a beer shy of a six pack?Or that I have more then one screw loose!

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But man, there are a whole lot of newbies on here today who are gonna be saying, ?This chic is mad??

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But, well, to not blog about it just wouldn?t be me?So at the risk of being committed when done, here is what happened to me tonight?

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I go to the work out room and head to my elliptical?This is my first work out in four days!!!! (Our room was closed for the holidays and I was sick on Friday!)?

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So I am feeling pretty good about being there?I have a lot on my mind today as I head into this new year?A lot of decisions I must make soon about life, love, friendships, etc?So I love to think as I am working out?It helps me, it does!!!!

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I turn on my MP3 player and hit ?random??The very first song that comes on is a song very near and dear to my heart. Instantly reminds me of someone I love very much?I think to myself ?Hmmm?Now that was an interesting choice out of 177 songs, why did it pick that one????

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At that precise moment I look up and I am facing a window?And I can see my reflection?And for a heart beat, a very split second, I saw myself in that reflection as a thin person. I swear it?I was thin, for just a second?And I felt surrounded by something?I don?t know what?But in that instant, I knew that no matter what, I would reach my goal this year?And soon?

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Something?Someone? Was telling me YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS!!! And I knew it?As well as I know the sky is blue and the grass is green, I felt peace that my journey is coming to an end?At least, THAT PART of my journey?

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It was a very weird experience?And again, I know you all think I am off my rocker, but that?s okay?Someone eased my mind tonight?Someone let me know they were with me and rooting for me, and helping me?And because I feel certain that my weight loss is in complete order now, I kind of feel like the other decisions I have to make will now work themselves out too!

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As a matter of fact, I feel really really good about life in general all of a sudden! Whew! How strange!

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And if giving the world a small glimpse into my sometimes scary mind can somehow help one other person in this world, well, it was worth the risk?

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Thanks for listening, and I will wait now for the men in white coats to come get me! (I hope they let me have a computer in there!)

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Much love-

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Dawnie