Toxic People II
Hah hah hah…
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Now we can start a whole chain of blogs! Okay. I read Cindy’s blog first, then Michele’s, and I felt absolutely compelled to write this blog…(I know, I just cant keep my own mouth shut!) 
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I wrote this on Cindy’s blog, but one night this week I was flipping through the channels and I came across Larry King Live and he had Oprah and all her “Friends”…Bob Greene was one of them…
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Now, this was significant to me, as I am on the cusp of making some really tough life decisions, and I litterally was just flipping through, when Larry asked Bob why its so hard for people to lose weight. Bob’s answer: FEAR…
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Fear of what others will think of us when we are thinner, fear of who we will become, etc…Then Oprah chimmed in that for any one with a significant amount of weight to lose, its very scary because ALMOST always, it means that something else significant in your life must change…Relationship, job, etc…She is absolutely right…
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Now. That statement jumped right out at me, and then after reading the blogs today of my fellow buddy slimmers, I realize that at some point on this journey, we are all going to have to deal with that…The fear, the toxic, sabatoging realtionships, the new found confidence, etc…
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Now for me personally, I have had a revelation of sorts in the last week or so about some of the relationships in my life…My weight loss has made some grow stronger, and some grow farther apart, and I have spent many many hours trying to figure out why…Was it me? Was it them? Am I sooo incredibly different now that I am a few pounds lighter?? Am I a new person now, or has this person always been here??? I really dont know the answers yet…
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But, when I heard Bob say that, it hit me…FEAR…I think some of my friends and family are so afraid of what MY weight loss is going to do to them, or their perception of me, that they unintentionally have sabatoged me, or treated me differently…They arent so concerned about me or my battles, as much as how my changes will affect them…
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Now, I have no doubt that they love me and care about me, but I think now is the time when you really must find out who truly loves you and wants you to succeed, and who is holding you back from that success…And as hard as it might be, and it will be, you must cut the later group out…It is the only way…
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I sure hope that at the end of my journey I am surrounded by my friends and family who loved me when I was 241 pounds, as well as a few new friends I have met a long the way…But the bottom line is, you can not lose a large amount of weight, and not have changed in some way…
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I mean, come on…Look at the guy who won the biggest loser! That guy lost over 200 pounds! That is two small people…He can not be teh same person he was…He shouldnt have to be…And I think thats just hard for people to deal with…ESPECIALLY if they have never had a weight problem. They dont understand the mental journey that goes along with the physical one…
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So I guess I just really wanted to say, Cindy, Michele, and some others out there…You are not alone…I am right there with you as are many of us…Letting go of relationships is never easy, but you have to weigh what they bring to you, and what they take from you, and if the take outweighs the give, it might just be time to go find some new friends…
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Good luck everyone and have a safe and happy new year!
I totally agree with you. I never thought of it that way and basically couldnt understand why they were doing what they were doing. At least now when it happens I will have some insight and I think I may even say to them “Ya know, I will still love you when I hit my goal weight” just to see the reaction. Thanks so much for your insight on this topic.
OH Kay…you hit it all right on the nail head. I had to question some of my oldest and what i THOUGHT was dearest friendships. One in particular I found had flurished because I was “the big one” and she was the smaller one. Once I lost weight, she didn’t have the edge (in her mind only) so she decided I had changed. Now of course, like you, I always kept that notion in my head. Have I changed? Am I the one that’s different? Have I gotten flirty? It’s funny that you can make a hair toss at 300 lbs and it not be considered a flirt move, do it at 180 and suddenly you’re a tart! So I still don’t know if it was me or their perception but you really do have to make changes and some of them are harder than others. I could give up (at that time) my beloved soft drinks but losing what I thought was a soul sister was harder for me. As soon as the weight came back on, she came back around. (talk about hard to gain weight back and have someone so happy about it) I think that if you continue to do what’s in your heart, treat others with that same instinct you always did, you have to believe that what will happen will happen and it’s meant to be that way. Just don’t go falling for the hype. All the compliments…all the looks, you’re still the same basic person. Just now you can appreciate that you don’t have to shop in specialty stores or be scared to be the biggest in the room. Confidence good, arrogance bad. We all know someone that’s lost weight and suddenly they think they’re discovered. We have a guy in our office that has gotten so arrogant. He thinks his way of losing is the only way. He knows everything now. His confidence gave him this huge ego and now he’s so hard to be around. My advice to me this time is Keep it real and remember that losing it is simple compared to keeping it off. You’re always a day away from a binge that will go on forever.
Congratulations with your loss! And your focus seems really good so hang in there! Thanks for the encouragement!
Cindy
How do you always manage to touch my heart?
You are soooooooooooo right! In fact, I read about this phenomenon yesterday on People’s magazine, half their size issue.
Oh my goodness, you are so right…and perhaps this is one of the things that maybe causing a strain in a particular relationship we discussed before?
Hmmm.
When I get to that point I will know to look to you for advice.
Profound!! But the same thoughts go along with other situations. The lady I thought was my best friend, suddenly ‘dumped’ me after I got married. She had been single for several years, and wasn’t interested in dating. I got married, she started dating, and that was the end of the friendship. She woudn’t return my calls, e-mails or anything else. I was out of her life.
I think it boils down to jealousy. And I think the same holds true for weight loss. People are envious of our ability to take off the weight. And they feel that if we can succeed in something so big (excuse the pun) then we can succeed in all else and maybe surpass them. And they don’t want the competition.
Bob Greene is so right. It is Fear. And I have some sabatogers around me too. People get threatened with my success, but I just have to keep my eye on my goal and not let them harm me. THanks for the great blog Dawnie!
Tina
Dawnie, you’re so right. I cannot emphazie enough how hard it is to get rid of friendships….even toxic ones…..I’ve let a couple friendships go and I can tell you why, the toxicity they brought and to this day I still feel guilty?!?!? I know, without a doubt that this was the best decision for me. My day to day without these people is so much richer and yet, I can’t understand why I still think of them and the guilt. I could relate to people here hesitating in making such a tough decision and then….learning to live with that choice once you’ve made it.
I totally agree with you!!! I’ve been there before when I used to be overweight and lost it years ago. I’ve always had a weight problem. I think cutting out the people in our lives that hurt us, and make us feel bad and drag us down is exactly what we need to do. It it’s a very hard struggle to lose weight and we need all the positive support we can get. I loved your post, it’s really spoke to me!
I hope you have a great New Years!
Good blog Dawn!! Yes I totally agree.. Fear is something that holds us all back.. Fear of what we will become at the end.. Fear of failure. Fear of Success even. For we are becoming new people. If nothing else healthier more confident people. For some of our friends and relatives it is scary to see us that way. Others I think embrace that and those are the people that we need to stay close to. Sometimes you truly amaze me Dawn with your blogs.. This is one of those.. It really was thought provoking and great to read!! You my friend really do get this weight loss thing!! It is no wonder how you’ve been so successful and I’m excited for you to get all the way to that goal in 2007!