Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

“All signs point to yes!”

This is what it said. I swear it. And its rarely wrong, right?

So…Just when I had FINALLY found my weight loss mojo, Life, God, Mother Nature, whoever you wanna beleive is in charge…Says to me “Not so fast kid…”

I found out Monday, via an appointment with a Neuro Surgeon, that I have to have back surgery…UGH…

I have suffered severe back pain for years. I KNEW something was wrong. But my family doctor drug her feet. And stupid me did not demand any more…She kept telling me it was “Muscular” and there is nothing that could be done…

Well, this year has been hell for me. I had a bad back blowout in March. One of the worst ever where I actually could not walk or stand. I did this one morning by merely getting in my car…I was laid up for days…And I havent ever really recovered…

So for most of the last three months I have delt with chronic pain. Poppin pain pills by the dozens. Not working out like I want because it hurts. I cant sleep at night because my nerves are now affected and my leg, butt cheek, foot and toes tingle all night long…

Its made me very very crabby and depressed…

So FINALLY, in late May, I begged my doctor for an MRI…And sure enough, I have a serverely herniated disc. Degenerative Disc Disease. And arthritis in my spine…

Really?? Hmmm…I thought it was just muscular?

It is no wonder I have felt like I am 80…Ugh…

Back pain sucks. Period. And affects everything else you do.

So surgery is the option given due to the large size and the severity of the herniation. I saw the films myself, and it was all pretty gross…

So immediately, my OCD kicks in…(Who me??)

I am going to die on the table.

I am going to end up paralyzed.

I am going to gain back every single pound I lost in the last four years.

Seriously, that is what I am worried about…

My brain…I tell ya…Sometimes I could shoot my brain…

But. She encouraged me to get moving as soon as I can. Walking. The more active I am the faster I will heal. I cant run, or hit the gym vigorously, but she does encourage me to get moving…

Sooo…I am bummed. Scared. Nervous. Worried about being off for so long. Gaining weight…Etc…

But. I am also excited to MAYBE be pain free for the first time in years…And maybe I will feel sooo good when done that I can really hit the gym hard.

So.

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if I would be okay…And of course, it stated the answer I started off with…All signs point to yes…

I love my Magic 8 Ball…

Okay…So I think I have formulated a plan…

This is how I roll…

I am typically a big picture kinda gal…Always need a plan…

So I have been trying to find my way back to the motivation weight loss revolution…And have sadly failed…

Analyzed it to death…

Discussed it amongst my closest friends…

And I have no answers really as to whats keeping me imobile…

I am happy…Life is basically good.

And while I am proud of maintaining 75% of my weight loss, I am simply not happy with how I look.

I went to a beer tasting last night where there were two other beer gals there…Both in their mid 20’s. One, PROBABLY a size 2, the other, taller, but probably an 8 tops…

I felt like the proverbial elephant in the room…

This was the first time in a long time where my confidence was at an all time low…UGH…

For the last two years, even on bad days, I was able to maintain my confidence…

Last night, not so much…

I feel like I kind of just faded into the couch when sitting next to these two…

I HATE THAT FEELING…For I know inside I am a strong, beautiful, sexxxy woman…UGH…

So. Its time.

The only one to blame is me.

The only one that can fix me, is me.

So.

I made a plan.

I have not exercised regularly in WEEKS.

Have not counted calories in MONTHS.

Have not journaled in MONTHS.

BAD BAD BAD.

These are all key elements to my success…

So. I am bringing them all back today.

And instead of my usual BIG PICTURE GLOBAL THINKING…

I am thinking smaller…Baby steps…One freakin day at a time…

I am giving myself a two month goal. Two months from today. August 30th.

Two months. 60 days. However I need…

Surely, TWO MONTHS sounds MUCH better than LIFETIME…

For the next two months I will:

• Journal EVERY DAY every morsel good or bad in my mouth.
• I will stay 100% on plan (1200-1300 calories) Monday through Friday
• I will shoot for 75% on the weekends
• I will exercise for a MINIMUM of 45 minutes 5 days a week
• I will blog at least once a week.

These are all things I can do.

These are all things I USED to do.

This is NOT new, unchartered territory…

But, I think to myself, SURLY I can go without for two months…That is nothing…

And at the end, if I stick to my plan, there is no reason why I should not be down a minimum of 10 pounds and GOD WILLING more…

Here I go…

Baby steps…

Wish me well…

You know…Time is a funny thing…

We fight it in one form or another from the day we are born until the day we take our last breath…And it’s a useless fight. For time will always win…The one thing we should ALL know by now…Is that time continues…It was here before we were, and it will go on long after we are gone…

Nothing can stop it…

And yes, time is a healer…As we have all heard since we were little… “Time heals all wounds…” Its true…Scars remain…But the pain, does indeed, heal…

Five years ago today my life changed forever…It was a change I never expected…I never wanted…And it left me a far different person than it found me…

Five years ago today, my father died…

It was the end of a 57 year old life, and a 31 year relationship. One that was often filled with anger, tears and turmoil. For most of you who know me well, know, that my father and I had what can only be described as an on again off again relationship.

But…Its funny…With time, comes perspective…Understanding…Forgiveness…

It seems in retrospect, he was a better father than I ever gave him credit for. True. He was not the father I WANTED him to be…But he was the best father he knew how to be…And I have finally realized that. And I have chosen to forgive the missed birthdays. Holidays. School plays. Weekend visits…

And instead, I choose to remember these things…

Him calling us off school so we could go to work with him…Or taking us every year to Kings
Island with a friend. The endless nights of UNO. All the times he let us stay up late and watch HBO…Much to mom’s anger…(She would then have to deal with the after affects of letting your 6 year old watch the Exorcist or Invasion of the Body Snatchers!) LOL…All the movies he took me too…The Pepsi he would let me drink (Sorry mom!!)…ALL the happy memories of him at Buckeye Lake…Man…I truly could go on!!!

Do I miss him?

You bet. I miss him in ways I never thought…

I miss hearing him calling me Dawn Renee…For he was the ONLY person to ever call me by both my names…

I miss him yelling at me for something my sisters did.

I miss him complaining about his girlfriend. His brothers and sister.

I miss hearing him go on and on about his mother. And how wonderful she was.

I miss him telling me how much everything cost, and laugh as the figure grew and grew with each story telling…

I miss his smile…

His laughter…

I actually miss his bullshit…

I miss my dad…

I can’t believe five years has passed. For my life is so very different now than it was then…

You see, the night my father died changed me forever. I learned right then and there how very precious and short life can be. I didn’t get to tell him everything I wanted too…I didn’t get to say good bye…I didn’t get to apologize for not understanding him…I will never know if he knew how much I DID love him…I can only hope that he did…

And I decided THAT NIGHT to make changes…

And over the course of five years I did…I lost weight…And his death alone is responsible for that decision…For in his death, he reminded me of how unhealthy he had become…And quite frankly, I didn’t want to end up like him…I will fight this battle till the day I DIE, and I know he cheers me on from wherever he ended up…

I became a better, nicer person…I love quicker and deeper now…I am not afraid to tell people I love them. I show affection much more openly…I have become much closer to BOTH of my sisters…I changed jobs…I continued to do things that scared me just to prove I could do them…I have fallen in and out of love…And am not scared to love again…I try daily to live my life to the fullest…Doing things I love with people I love. I have surrounded myself with good, healthy, and happy people. I have eliminated a lot of the toxic ones…I started volunteering…I started doing 5 and 10k’s…

I fix what I can, and move on when I cant…

I forgive much easier now.

And I always. Always strive to find the good in EVERY SITUATION…Even when it’s a dark one…

Which is why I wrote this blog. For it was through the death of my father, that I became the woman I am today. And I like her very very much. Without his death, I would not be…

There are days when I don’t even recognize the woman I was then…And I wonder, often, what he would have to say about the last five years of my life…

And so, I could go on and on about how depressed I was here and there. All the tears I cried with my sister. All the “What ifs”…I could…

But I am not…

I am going to simply state, as I did above, what good things his death brought…

I got to see my father the night before he died…For that I will ALWAYS be grateful. I got to visit him in the hospital and tell him of my promotion at work. I got to hear him utter the words “Dawn, I am sooo proud of you!”

I remember him walking me to the elevator that night. Saying “You’re tired sweetheart…Go home. Drive safely, and I will talk to you tomorrow”.

I remember looking back as I was getting on the elevator, and he was standing at the window looking out…Very mellow…Very much in his own head at that point…I had no idea that would be the last time I would ever see him a live…But it’s a nice memory…And I am grateful for it.

The following day…The day of his death…A Friday…He called me THREE times at work to chat…This was soooo out of character for him…I remember even saying something to Jen who I shared an office with at the time… “Man, my dad will not leave me alone today!!!” and we kind of laughed about it…I didn’t understand it then…Now I have to wonder if he somehow knew…

The last call came at 2 in the afternoon…

He was soooo happy he had reached my older sister and made amends with her…He wanted to also tell me that they were releasing him from the hospital the next day…

I can remember his last words as if they were being whispered in my ear as I type this. “Have a good day Dawn. I love you and will see you on Sunday.”

By 4:30 Friday evening, my father was gone. Just like that…

I got the call from my sister…I had been out with Steve celebrating my promotion. I had very stupidly turned my cell phone off. No one could reach me. They had been trying to find me for two hours…

I remember picking up the phone and hearing only this “Dad’s dead”. I remember being in total and utter disbelief and shock. I remember being angry at my sister. I thought she was playing a horrible horrible joke on me. I remember dropping to the floor…Dropping the phone…And I remember SOMEHOW Steve getting me to the car and down to the hospital…I remember crying more than I ever thought a body could…

That night I choose not to remember. It was the saddest. Longest night of my life. I t was a horrible horrible night…

And now its been five years. Fights over headstones. Wills. Money. Possessions …Those are all done now…(THANK GOD!!!)

Now…

Now I am free to simply reflect on my dad…

To remember him how I want too…

To love him like I want too…

So to you dad I say this…I miss you today as much as I did five years ago…I am sorry for not telling you then how much I loved you. I am sorry for NOT telling you all the good things you did for me…I am sorry for not speaking to you for two years…What a waste of time that was…Your death has taught me many more lessons than your life ever could. And for that I am grateful…

I love you dad…

And I miss you much…

Love Always-

Your Dawn Renee

Well. I am here…Three days in a row…

This is big for me.

I used to come to this site daily. Several times a day. Actually, I was more than a bit obsessed with it.

And I was the most successful then.

I lost 32 pounds in four months on this site.

Then I fell off the freakin wagon.

Been trying to find me a new wagon for the better part of a year.

Recently, while describing some life acheivments to a friend. I said “I have pretty much accomplished everything I set out to do…With the exception of my weight loss…”

I think that, more than anything, brought me back here…

I dont want to be a failure. Its not in my nature. I am an acheiver. A perfectionist. A go getter…

The other thing. The death of my father.

Tomorrow is the five year anniversary of his death. That means I have been fighting this battle for four and a half years. For it was his death that put me on this path in January of 2004. That is wayyyyy too long…UGH…

So here I am. I have no plan. Baby steps. I have promised myself to come out here every day, and as time permits, I will blog, read blogs, respond to blogs, and maybe just maybe, participate in the forums. In that order.

Thanks to Stephanie who commented on my last blog…

She mentioned feeling something pulling her back. I feel that too.

I kept thinking it was the demise of my marriage that was holding me back. That once I got that cleanned up, I would be able to take on the world.

Well. The divorce was final April 2nd. My ex and I get a long fine and both of us are more at peace than ever before.

I am happy. Peacefull.

I have even met a new guy. A real sweetheart…

But something inside that I can not pinpoint seems to be holding me back from moving forward…I have no idea, truly, what it could be.

As stated. I know how to do it. I have done it. I was successful at it. I am still proud of the loss I maintained. But I dont know how to get rid of the 15 pounds I regained and continue to loose down to my goal. I just seem to have no motivation or passion…And I have no idea where to look or how to find it…

Ugh…

Take care and good luck!

WOW…

Its been awhile…Again…

Finally logged on here yesterday for the first time in a long time. And I barely recognize anyone…

I have been a memeber of this site for almost two years…And soooo many people have faded away…Makes me sad…Yet, strangely…I understand…

 Mary? Nikki? Erika??? Catrina? Gosh I would like to know whats going on in your worlds….

Some of my oldest and best buddies have actually deleted their entire profiles? Scott?

 WOW…Times sure did change…

I do see some familiar faces though…Miss Jo…I love Jo…For she keeps going…Keeps trying…Therefore she is a true success story…I have a lot to catch up with you on girl…

I see Wonder Woman is still going strong…And Kama…True inspirations…

 And sooooo many new names and faces…Going to take me a while to reaquaint myself to you all…

I can best be put into the same category as Jo…I keep trying…Not very successful lately…But I keep trying…

For this weight loss battle is just one that I keep trying to fight…I have moments of success…Victories…And then I have many many many failures…And I dont get it…

 I know what to do.

I know HOW to do it.

I have more to live for now than ever before.

Yet, I cant seem to move forward. And I have no idea why.

I have lost my passion and motivation for it. And I cant seem to find it. Yet, I know I dont like what I see…

Interstingly enough…The thing that brought me back to this site today was a closet mishap…

I went to hang my clean clothes last night and the entrie shelf in my closet came crashing down…UGH…What a mess…

But while pulling things out I found no less than 15 items of BRAND NEW CLOTHING. Capri’s. Jeans. Tops. Size 14. Bought last spring when I was reaching the 170’s. Bought with pride and excitement.

Do I need to tell you they still have the tags on them??? UGH…

I have blogged about my regain and my struggle to lose it. I am still struggling…

The only light at the end of the tunnel has been on a recent week vacation to Florida (My first ever visit to that state) I actually managed to lose 6 pounds! That has NEVER happened on vacation.

But here I am…Trying to figure out where to go and how to get tehre…

So I thought I would pop in and say hi…See what everyone is up to.

I am going to try to get myself back here. For I was the most successful when I was on this site daily…And I know this…I think I am just soooo disappointed in myself, it became to hard to come out here every day…

But I know I need this…So, much like Jo, I too will continue to try…

Take care all the new and old buddies out here!! AND MUCH SUCCESS TO YOU ALL!!!!

Circles…Dont we just LOOOOOVE them?? Hah…

They recently installed a traffic circle near my home…First one in our area…Its a riot…No one knows how to use it. You get on…Five other cars merge on, and if you arent careful, you cant get the hell off!!! I think there have been numerous accidents there…And its only been open since the fall…

Circles can be fun…Dont get me wrong…But you have to be careful to not get stuck…

Like a damn hamster running a wheel…If he keeps spinning, he will eventually tire and die…That surely cant be a fun destination…

Wait…

Thats the point of a circle…Its continuous…There is no beginning or end…There is NO DESTINATION…

Well, hell…That aint good!!!

Anyway…

 I have been going in a big fat circle with my weight loss…At this point, we will call it LACK of weight loss…Nothing significant since LAST FALL…Seriously…

I could give you reasons…Trust me. I have analyzed it to death…(This is me we are talking about…) and I have them. Reasons. Explanations. Excuses. I could list them. And justify them. But whats the point, really???

They are important to no one but me. And they dont matter any more…

I am doing well…I am at peace. True peace. With myself. For the first time in over two years. It took a long long time to get here. And I dont know how long I will stay here. But for now. It is good. I feel like I am parked at a rest stop on the side of the road. Catching my breath before my next adventure begins…

So. Now that peace has entered my soul. It was time to get back to the business of making myself healthy…

Notice I didnt say thin.

I dont really care about that. For I know I shall never be 125. I dont know that I want to be. I just want to feel good about myself again. And be a healthier version of myself…Maybe thats 160. Maybe tahts 145. I dont know.

I do know it is NOT what I am now…

Soooo…Through the last nine months of my life I regained 15 of the 62 pounds I lost…

Does this distress me? You bet…

Does this anger me? Of course…

Am I gonna jump out of the circle? I am sure tryin…

I have been trying DESPERATELY to get out of this circle…

To date, I have not been successful…

BUT I KEEP TRYING…

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP…Because I do NOT want to TIRE and DIE…

Sooo…

I am ONCE AGAIN trying to find the exit ramp…To get out of this circle…

I can see it from here…Just need to make my way over to it…

I will get there…

I had a boost this week…Had to go to the doctors. Am I the only one who dreads that damn doctors scale? You know, the big UGLY gray one with the BIG BLACK numbers and the actual weighted scales in increments of 50 staring at you!!!

UGH…

I ALMOST cancelled my appointment…

Why?

Because my OCD is sooooo bad…I had convinced myself that I have gained 30 pounds since the Fall…

Now…

In reality, the somewhat rational side of my brain said there is no way…I can still wear my size 14s. Yes, some of them are now tight, but I can wear them!!!

But the much larger, much more irrational side of my brain had myself convinced that I had now become somewhat like Jaba the Hut!

So the morning of the appointment dawns and I am freakin out…

Havent been on a scale in months…Too scared…

I tell myself the scale is gonna say this big scary number. I convinced myself of this…Prepared for the worst…Truly…

Finally get there…Get on the scale…And…

NOTHING…

I have neither lost NOR gained anything in FIVE MONTHS…

I SHOULD be disappointed…But I wasnt…

I was ecstatic…

My OCD was laid to rest…

Yes. Still carrying that 15 pounds. Not good…

BUT…

Thats ALL I am carrying, after months of NOT doing anything about my weight…

So I am happy…And now that I have the weight in front of me again…I know wehre I need to go…I HATED SEEING THAT WEIGHT RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES…

But I needed that reality check…

Keep me in line…

So here I go again…

Gonna see if I can find the exit ramp!!!!

Well. Here I am…

For the first time in almost 16 years. I am a single gal…

At approximately 11 a.m. this morning, in Franklin County, Ohio, a very kind judge, ruled my marriage was indeed over…

WOW…

It has been a roller coaster of a ride…

Almost two years in the making…

Throughout those two years, there were bucketfuls of tears shed. By both of us. Harmful words spoken. By both of us. Hurtful actions made. By both of us. There were talks upon talks. Together. With a counselor. Words and more words…

Then there was a long, quiet, calm period…The wait…

All and all, the “Wait” went well. We co existed peacefully…Yet somehow both withdrew into ourselves and our own circle…Somehow making it easier…And somehow, making it harder…

Yesterday, as the eve of my divorce drew near, I confess to a mini panic attack…My mind going everywhere, and sadly, nowhere…

Truly, if it hadnt been for my sister Angie. My mother, Lynda,  and two of my dearest friends, Brian and Jen, I doubt I would have made it through.

Let me tell you this…You find out who your true friends are in moments of extreme trials and tribulations…Of that, I am fully confident…

I am surprised at those who have stepped forward…And saddened by a few who have not…

This morning I awoke to a stomach full of nerves. A few doubts, and a whole heck of a lot of pain and sadness…And I cried. For almost an hour straight, I cried…

I cried for the young couple that was Steve and Dawn many many years ago. That met. Fell in love. And were determined to have a good strong marriage…

I cried for the babies that we lost. Together. The beloved pets that we lost. Together. The parent that we lost. Together.

I cried for the love that used to be there, but somehow slipped away…

And I cried for the hurt and pain I had caused the one man who has been by my side more consistantly then any other man in my life…

I cried as hard this morning, as I did almost five years ago when my father passed away…For today was truly a death, just as that was. And all deaths must be mourned…And each person mourns in their own way…

And while I cried…The one man who has always stood beside me, held me, and let me cry…

And thats what makes this sooo hard for sooo many people to understand…There is no real bad guy here…He is not an ass. And I am not a bitch…And in a divorce, people want someone to blame…

The truth of the matter is…We BOTH allowed ourselves to get here. We BOTH tried very hard to save it…And we BOTH agreed, to some degree, that we could not find a solution…And we could not continue on as we were…

Which brings us to today…And the wonder of it all…Just HOW DID we get here???

Somedays I think I know…And somedays I have no freaking clue…

For Steve and I have always been, the best of friends…

And I am proud to say we handled our divorce the same way we handled our marriage…With LOVE. Intelligence. Friendship. RESPECT. And even some laughter…

So I am sure this is not the typical post divorce blog…And I am quite okay with that.

For I have always been an unusual gal…Who married an unusual man, and together we tried hard to have the unusual marriage…So it makes perfect sense to us, that our divorce be just as odd…And indeed, it was…

We were divorced…Then headed out to lunch together, holding hands, and even laughing a bit…

For my marriage may have ended…For reasons that are known between he and I. And understood, between he and I, but the friendship does not just end…

I have known this man since I was a 20 year old girl…With him, I have grown to be a woman. A fun, intelligent, witty, charming, and slightly wacky woman…

It is not in my nature to just abandon that friendship…

So, today, I gently closed the door on a 16 year relationship…

And I stare now at many many doors that are in front of me…

The sun is  shinning…

The sky is blue…

And somehow I just know, somewhere, deep within myself, that not only did I do what HAD to be done…Something that was the hardest thing I have ever HAD to do…Something I have thought this WHOLE time I had done alone…I now realize I was not EVER alone…

For several people were placed in my path, every step of the way to offer love, friendship, and support in different ways…And I am grateful…

And,  somehow, I know…No matter what door I choose to open…

I am going to be okay…

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power” ~Alan Cohen

HELLLLOOOOO Buddies!

So sorry for my absence. WOW. What a crazy two weeks I had…

Updates: Two weeks ago, I got sick. Nasty head cold! Right on the tail end of that sickness, I threw out my back, AGAIN…This one was bad. Severe pain and imobility…Cried like a baby I did! I had blown a muscle that was pinching my Sciatic Nerve. UGH. (I am still haveing lingering effects in my leg!!)

Back problems SUCK…It affects sooo many other things in life…

Then, I was sent off to San Francisco for four days for work…I have finally calmed down a bit and am trying to get back to normal. (My normal…not the rest of the worlds!) HAH!!

Sooo. Needless to say, I had not hit the gym in TWO WEEKS. Egads! That is the longest stretch I have had in a while!!!

I went last night thinking it would suck and I would be miserable…And actually. It was not! Felt great to get back to my routine…I took it just a little easier so my back could still heal, but I still put in a good effort…

Glad to be back to it. Really!!!

Okay…

Here is my secret…I cant beleive I am announcing this to the world, but what the hell…It might help someone else…

Last night I did something I have never ever done…

I took several pictures of my body…Now…Before all of your minds go into the gutter…Please note, I was clothed in them…

I saw an episode of Oprah a few weeks back with Carson on there, where he made larger women take nude photos of them selves (How to look good naked?) and I thought it was a WONDERFUL idea. How many of us NEVER see ourselves how we are??

I have been wanting to take some CLASSY semi nude pics for awhile now, but didnt feel like I had lost enough weight…

Well. Last night a friend breifly mentioned I have been taking less photos of myself. And I agreed…So I went home, got the camera, and started snapping…

All, ummm, female parts, remained covered, but I did take pictures of my belly…And legs…Etc…

Now. I expected to hate them all…

WOW…What a suprise…

When I downloaded them and looked at them on my computer…You know what?? They werent horrible! A supermodel I am not, but you know what?? It was okay…

There was my belly…Not flat…A few stretch marks…(And I have never even had children!) but it was my belly…And it is 60 pounds smaller…

There were my legs…Yep…Still a bit flabby at top, but heck, there was some lose skin too, from where they used to be huge!!

My arms…

My legs…

Even my chest…

All vast improvements over what was there four years ago…

I thought I would be embarrassed. I thought I would be mortified…

And actually, I found myself feeling proud of how far I have come…And I felt pretty…

So I am a larger girl. I most likely always will be…And I think I am finally accepting that…

I am cute.

I am sexy.

I am me.

And from the outside, looking on, there are worse things I could be…

Have a great day all…Now go home and take some pics of yourself…You just might realize how beautiful you are!!!

Hello buddies…Sorry to be MIA for a bit. I have been sick…And its kicking my butt…I am also getting read to travel for work out to California (San Francisco) again…UGh. I am excited. Just always sooo much to do…

Anyway. Something happened last night that has had me pondering of course…

I met a new person last night. This is someone who found me on myspace. He was struck by my weight loss.

I have chatted with him for about a month, and he invited me to hang out last night. So I did…

Now. I had seen pictures of him, and I knew he was a larger guy. And I know, due to our talks, that he is desparately trying to lose weight…

So. With all that said, when he got out of the car, I will admit, I was taken aback.

This gentleman was indeed a big guy…I would say close to 500 pounds…Give or take.

This is not weight thats easily hidden…This is not someone who melts into a crowd…

I hung out with him for several hours. And I was incredibly sad by the end of the night. For him. People were cruel. In my head, perhaps, I was cruel.

Now. Before you start emailing me nasty emails or leaving not so kind comments on my blog about how anti fat people I am…Please take note…I have been MORBIDLY OBESE and I still am FAT…So I get it, okay???

 He was a super sweet guy, and his appearance is not neccessarily the point of this blog…

After hanging out with him all night. Walking. Eating. Sitting at a sporting event. What meeting this person did for me, was remind me that I dont want to be fat anymore…

I am not here to make fun of him by any means. Or point out the obvious. He knows he is Obese. And he is working on it. And for that, I am glad…And I will help him in any way I can…

But walking with him, I had a HUGE reality check…

Several times I had to slow my gait for him…While in the parking garage, instead of walking up a level, he had to take the elevator…He was out of breath within seconds of leaving the car…At the sporting event, I truly dont know how he fit in the seat, and he had to get up several times to adjust because his circulation is bad…

Now…I say this because it has been a long long time since I have experienced any of this…Either by myslef or with another person…

I say this ALSO because I USED TO BE HIM!!! Maybe not exactly, but close. I used to get out of breath sooo easily. Sweating. Red faced. Breathing hard. Hated walking anywhere. It sucked…

Used to have trouble fitting into seats…Wearing seatbelts, etc…I have been there. Maybe not as severe as him, but I have been there…

Its been soooo long (Four years) since I have been there that I had forgotten what true, severe, obesity looks like…

Not, hey, I wanna lose 20 pounds to look good in a swimsuit…But people who truly have a long long road ahead of them. It put my life in perspective big time…

30 pounds?? This should be nothing for me to lose…And I need to just do it and get it done…

And at the of the night, I realized two things…

I dont want to be him, or my old self, ever again…

And I dont know that I could ever have a close relationship with an inactive person again.

And by that, I mean, it has now become second nature to me to take the stairs. To walk everywehre…I was litterally ITCHING to walk up the stairs last night. Didnt like the elevator…

Yes. I am still fat. I still have 30 pounds to lose. But, because I work out consistently, I no longer, even fat, have the health issues I used to…

This is why I posted today. Not to point out his flaws, even though I know to some of you thats exactly what I have done…

It was more to put MY life in perspective…

If I never lose another pound, I am still successful, because I took myself from that out of shape morbidly obese girl to this girl who you see that runs and walks marathons…

BUT…

I DO want to lose more…Seeing him last night struggling just to breath, I know in my heart I dont want weight to be the death of me…Too many other things out there that will get me…Out of my control…

This one I can control…And I chose to take control of it…Sooner rather than later…

Okay. So I have been pondering this of late…

In the last two years of my life, I have found that I increasingly turn to the internet to meet some of my needs…

Obviously, this website is one. I am also on myspace. And on my beer website. I have formed, what I feel, are true, legitimate, friendships with many faceless people…

How can that be??

How can you feel so utterly and completely connected to another individual when you have never met??

Now. Dont get me wrong. I do have a nice large network of “Real” people in my life. And I adore them. And I do, on every occasion I can, try to meet some people that I have connected with…

But I wonder why it is, that it often seems easier to bond with a stranger over a mutual interest, then it is the people in our own life?? Maybe becasue we are concentrated in one area? Maybe because we are protected by our computer screens? I know not…

I will, in April, be going to a large “Beer” event and meeting litterally HUNDREDS of people…Many of who I have met on line or chatted with. I am so incredibly excited and can not wait to meet people who share a similar hobby with me…

And as I make plans, and chat,  I find myself just jubilant that these strangers will be strangers no more…

Its those moments when I am so thankful I live in the century I do…For I am meeting people that I otherwise would never have known existed…

Well, anyway…

Onto the weight loss stuff…Just finished my third full week of low fatness…I was not incredibly sold on it last week…

This week, the scale was down four pounds…

FOUR POUNDS. First real weight loss I have had in MONTHS. So I think I will stick with this for a while and see how it goes…

I want to lose 10-15 pounds by end of April…

We will see…

Take care buddies and have a great weekend!!!