Dawn’s Weight Loss Journey

Day two is here!

Super duper baby steps is what I am doing…And that’s okay…I have a plan…And that is always a good thing for me…

I walked yesterday and today on my lunch hour. Yes. I am aware that this is nothing major, however, please keep in mind that I have had NO REGULAR EXERCISE in three months. So this is okay for now…

Eventually I will join a gym. Eventually the daily walks will just be in addition to ten other things I do. Eventually I will log every morsel. Count every calorie, and EVENTUALLY I will lose the weight…

At any rate, I feel better than I have in a long time. I am in prep mode. Preppin myself for the big show. Surrounding myself again with supportive weight loss buddies. Putting my goals out there for the world to see and judge because I feel this holds me a tad more accountable. Preppin for a new grocery trip to stock up on healthy food. Preppin the boyfriend on the ground rules…

Yep. That’s right. Brian needs to be set right!!!!

You see, poor Brian has never known me when I am “on it”. He has seen bits and pieces, he has heard the stories, but sadly for him, he has never seen me really going on this route…Where I become the kitchen/restaurant Nazi. Reading every label. Counting every calorie. Planning every meal. It’s not pretty but it’s ever so necessary.

I am ever so grateful for him, as he is apparently oblivious to the numerous fat rolls that have appeared over the last year on me. (I did mention he had to get glasses this year, right? This might explain some of this! LOL!) J

He is happy with me as is, and while I appreciate that tremendously, I am not where I want to be, and he knows this…

So, for those of you who don’t know. Brian and I like food. Although this should be glaringly obvious by just looking at us or some of the hobbies we have, I do want to at least mention it. LOL.

We LOVE food. Period. And not like some people who just love to eat. We love the WHOLE experience of food. GOOD FOOD. Exciting food. Planning recipes. Shopping. We both love to cook. To impress each other. We love sitting down with good food and good drink. We love to entertain. Create. Talk over a good meal. The whole process intrigues us. We shun fast food whenever possible. But for some reason, Brian can eat twice as much as a normal man, and even myself, and really not have to deal with it. He has been the same weight since I met him…And besides the typical, late thirties, beer belly, he looks pretty darn normal. (Sorry babe!)

So even though I am not 100% back on track yet. Nor will I be for another few weeks. I do feel I should be doing everything I can now in PREP for the rest of my journey. So we have been cooking in a lot. Packing our lunches. Etc.

Last night on the way home from work we are discussing dinner. Which Brian was going to make. I say, “Let’s do sketti! It’s quick and easy, and we can take the leftover’s in our lunches the next day” (Sketti is spaghetti in case there are any slow readers out there…Hah! J)

So in the course of the conversation we decide we will add in the store bought pre made meatballs. (Yes, my Brian is a pretty heavy meat eater…Cows everywhere run and hide when he appears). That’s fine. I can deal with that this week. (Little does he know that in a few short weeks it will be whole wheat sketti, or sketti squash with a garden veggie sauce!) I decide for now, I will NOT fight the meatballs…But WOAH…Out of the next breath comes this phrase. “I am also going to fry up some bratwurst and add them into the sauce!”

Oh no he didn’t!!!!!

Yep. He sure did. Now. Don’t get me wrong. I would eat it. It sounds delightful. And yes, I too love my meat. I wish I didn’t for sure. I have wanted to become a vegetarian like my sister for YEARS but just can’t give it up yet. But both meatballs AND brats???

That, my friends, was a bit too much meat in one dish…

So I set the boy straight…And he agreed to just one meat.

And I truly hope that he will be able to join me on this journey…He is not against eating healthy. He has just never had too. So hopefully, TOGETHER, we can look for healthy recipes. Some meat friendly recipes. Shop together. And continue doing all we love to do, just a moderated version of it…

And if not?

Well, I will have one delightful, charming, cute, and completely housebroken boyfriend to put up for auction on Ebay!!

Fickle=Deceitful…Incosistant… (According to Websters!)

This is me…

To jazz it up, I like to say I am “Wishy-Washy”

I come out here every three months or so, with the BEST of intentions, and then ALWAYS I fail…

It wasnt always that way…But its the way its been for far too long.

Buddyslim used to be my haven…It stopped being that a long long time ago for me…But I miss it…I miss my old friends…Most of them have left now…Due to their own trials…Site politics…Etc…

 At its best, the buddyslim community assisted, and supported me, through a loss of over 40 pounds…I miss those days so much…They seem soooo far away from where I am now…

Yet, I constantly try to not focus on the past, so I am clear to embrace the future.

I am having a tough time right now in life. MOSTLY of my own making. Some if it is not. And while I am wallowing in these trials, it seems almost impossible to get myself BACK on the journey to good health…

Its always there…In my brain…I think about it all the time…I WANT to do it. I NEED to do it, but lack the structure right now to accomplish it…

I unpacked some boxes last weekend and was utterly appalled that I have TWO full totes of brand new clothes, many with tags on, in a size 14…This makes my heart sick…

In 2007 I was firmly in a size 14…

I have had to pack those clothes away for now, as I am now in 16’s, and not even all those fit comfortably…I HATE THIS…

I hate that I gave up and allowed those pounds to creep back on. I hate that I use every excuse in the book to NOT tackle this. Again. I did it. I know how!! Its not some grand secret that certain people are hoarding…

Its pretty common knowledge…Eat less. Exercise more. Period. Simple. So simple.

Of course, we know its not QUITE that simple…But it is in black and white.

I said earlier in my post that I always fail…And thats not really true…(See, even now I am wishy washy! :))

To me, Failure = Quit

Walking away forever would be failing…I have not…

I am not where I want to be.

I am not where I need to be.

But I am still here. And that is something…

This is the longest, hardest, journey I have ever traveled…And I have had the misfortune of traveling some perilous journies! But, I think the fact that I am still here, with my backpack on, and all the equipment on my person, means that at least I am still in race…I may be standing off to the side of the path, to allow others to get by…But I havent left the path yet…I am still here…Trying to catch up to my friends…Trying to continue my journey towards success…

So in an effort to NOT sound wishy washy, I am not going to say my goals, my plans, and what not…But I am here and doing my own thing, to try to recapture my previous successes…

Sorry to all my buddies…I didnt mean to run off…Please forgive!!!

And thought I would come out here and give a quick hello and an update…

First, LIFE:

A quick recap…I moved from Ohio to Florida in November…In January, my boyfriend was laid off after 15 years…And then last week, my position was eliminated. So I was laid off as well…The job I JUST got in January…Soooo…Needless to say, life has been a bit weird again…

But all and all, I am handling it well…

Brian and I have decided to move BACK to Ohio. He has already found a job there, and I am very heavily looking. The job situation seems slightly more stable up there, and the cost of living is definitely cheaper. I will also have my friends, family, and pets with me finally, and this is all a good thing…

So we are packing, and will be moving in two weeks…FUN TIMES. Nothing like moving twice, across the states, in less than five months!!!

Second, WEIGHT: Needless to say, weightloss has been far from my mind…

No. Strike that. It is NOT. Nor is it EVER far from my mind. Its just not being prioritized right now. Or maybe it is, and its been moved behind packing, moving, and job search.

Overall, I am still hopeful. Spoke with my sister today and as soon as I get back to Ohio I am joining a new gym, and going back to Weight Watchers. Now I just need to get through the next few weeks without gaining 20 pounds…

 I still feel there is hope.

I still feel this could be my year.

I just know its going to take a TON of focus and determination. I know I will need to sacrafice several things for the short term while I get recommitted. And I must start IMMEDIATELY as to not waste any more time…

But I am still hopeful…

And as long as there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel…

Hope you are all well, and I will check back in soon, promise…

I miss all my buddies!!!

I feel I have written this blog 1000 times.

I bet most of you feel you have read it 1000 times. LOL…

I have been gone from here for about a month. On purpose.

I am not sure what shifted in the universe in February for me, but I did some major curling up in a ball. I am certain I had some depression going on. Sadly, I am currently uninsured and can’t really do anything about it right now. So I kind of had to let it run its course, and talk myself through it.

I felt fatter than ever, and was soooo tempted to eat my way to oblivion. To just become the morbidly obese person I seem destined to become. Then I would go to the other extreme and want to get gastric bypass. I was all over the board. Very lost I was!

I am not 100% yet. But I am feeling the beginnings of hope again. And for all of you who have battled depression, you know this is a start.

I have no idea what triggered it. Finances probably. I am, like most of you, wondering how I am going to live for the next few years. I took a 30% pay cut, and I am getting further in the hole each passing month.

Add to that the never ending battle of the bulge, and well, you have a sad, depressed, poor fat chick.

I was sooo motivated in December and January, then came February, and I lost it all. Why Oh Why does it come and go like that??

If I could answer that, I would be rich woman indeed.

I came on here one day in early February, read a blog that I absolutely did not like or agree with, and for some reason, I just backed away. I didn’t comment on the blog. Or to the person. Because this person is a buddy of mine. And I didn’t think I was in the proper state of mind. But my reaction to that blog made it clear to me that I needed a breather from buddyslim for a while. I actually withdrew from other things too. Its just kind of what I do when I am trying to figure myself out. I flirted briefly with another site. GASP!! (I did. I did.)

But I didn’t like it. My history is here. Period.

Buddyslim has been like a warm blanket to me for the last three years.

So I have started sorting myself out. AGAIN. And I know I am a freaking broken record. Trust me. But I WILL get this done. I HAVE to.

I have adjusted my motto from “Workin towards a size 9 in 09” to “THERES STILL TIME IN 09”.

That’s right. There are 10 months left to the year. I still have time to work towards my goal if someone on the biggest loser can lose 100 pounds in 8 weeks. SURELY I could lose 50 by the end of the year. Okay. Realistically, I need to drop 60 to even approach a size 9. But I have not given up. Just had a momentary lapse of reason.

People. I have been on both sides of this battle. I have been hugely successful for over a year. Dropping the weight like melted butter. And I have struggled beyond struggle with some regain. THIS IS THE HARDEST BATTLE I HAVE EVER FOUGHT and I am convinced I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

For those of you who regularly dish out advice here, I would ask you to remember that. When life is good, and we are feeling great, it’s easy to lose patience with those around us who aren’t keeping up. I know. Been there. It’ far too easy to judge others. We have all done it. Its easy to forget the struggles when we are feeling so fine. But remember, in a heartbeat, it can go. And you will be right back on the other side.

Thus ends Dawn’s lecture for the day! LOL.

I am flying home to Ohio tonight to visit my family and my dogs. And when I get back on Sunday I am diving into 09 once again. I have lost count of what attempt this is, but I don’t think that matters so much any more.

What matters is I am still here. I am loved. And I am fairly healthy. The rest is all fixable, so I must be getting around to doing some repairs on this old life of mine…

The academy of BUDDYSLIMMERS that is!!!!

So, I am gonna be honest here. I simply dont take kindly to these blogs that scream out “Hey, look at me…” And by that, I mean the ones that say “I am leaving the site because so and so hurt my feelings” or “You people suck because you dont support me like I THINK you should”. You all know the ones I mean…I absolutely HATE it. It starts an endless, vicious circle, EVERY TIME…

My last blog got 5 comments. FIVE. I have 100 buddies. Now, I could whine about that, but instead, I KNOW that the reason for that is because I havent been here giving MY support like I should. Additionally, there are some blogs that rock it, and some blogs that dont. Period. I have some blogs with 30 comments. And some with 1. Just depends on who was feeling me that day, you know?

At any rate, I am going to take at least THIS moment. On THIS blog to give some shout outs to some folks who SINCERELY deserve it.

For the truth is, I have NOT been a great buddy lately. I have even left my poor forum support folks hanging and I do so apologize.

If your name is NOT on this list, do not be offended. There are MANY of you who touch me, inspire me, and amuse me DAILY. But these folks are CONSISTENTLY good buddies…

So to: Jessica, Khrys, Mindy, Theresa, and Stacianne, THANK YOU for all the booster notes. I log in after a couple of days and WITHOUT FAIL you guys have left notes or emails for me. THANK YOU!!!

To Miss Nancy, the Booty Bouncing Blogging Phenom… Shanna and Lori (Who used to be just an apple!), thank you for almost ALWAYS reading or responding to my blogs. I appreciate it!!!!!

To my very special buddies, my long long long LONG timers…LOL… Jo, Catrina, Kama, and Bette Jo, Thank you for being my buddy for so long. For commenting. Saying hi. Inspiring me. Etc. Catrina, I hope you and your husband are having the time of your lives right now!!

And a very special thanks to anyone who has EVER read one of my blogs or felt my story was worth reading…

You get out of this site what you put in. Period. Always. No one can lose this weight for you. You either do it or you dont. And if you dont you come out here to figure out why…And if you do, you come out here and tell us all how!

Also, welcome back to Angie and Tamira. Two of my very first buddies wayyyyy back in 2006. I hope you guys stick around for a while!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

“When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you”

~Coldplay

Jo, I read your comments on my blog and you know what? I have not one single answer for us.

I know exactly what you are talking about and who. I have watched soooo many people come and go here on buddyslim.

Some have been here as long as me, and have had very little loss. Some came in like ganbusters, lost their weight, and presumably left the site. Are they still successful? I dont know…But, it wouldnt suprise me if they werent…

Some of our very own buddies ARE doing it. And doing it well.

What do they have that we dont?? I dont know. I dont think its quite that simple…Really…

We have a pretty high return rate here at buddyslim. Not like, all scientific like, but I have seen it. I know you have too. People come, people go, people return…

You know why? Because this is a hard hard battle…

Even when you think you have won it, you havent. Not really. For many of us, it will never truly end…

And no offense, but I am not talking about the folks who have ten, twenty pounds to lose…You have your own battles. I get it. But losing a significant amount of weight is HARD. If you are a morbidly obese person trying to be a thin person, its a truly hard battle…It takes time. Sacrafice. And dedication.

This is not “Hey, I want to look good in my wedding dress…Or I want to wear a bikini”…This is I MUST DO THIS OR I WILL DIE…Period.

I have had it. I have had that success. I have lost it. I have had it again.

Long term success is difficult. They have studies that PROVE this fact…

So what sets us apart from them??

I do not know.

In EVERY aspect of my life I have the drive and determination to succeed. This is not a brag. This is not a boast. This is my own fact. I am one of the most stubborn, hard working, dedicated gals I know. Tell me I cant do it, and I will kill myself proving you wrong.

This character trait of mine has served me so well in all I have done.

Careers. Relationships. Hobbies. Etc.

Why can I not CONSITANTLY channel this into long term PERMANANT weight loss success???

I dont know.

But here are the facts I do know.

I have lost a lot of weight. I know how to do it. And I feel GREAT when its getting done.

If you add in the loss and reloss, I have lost WELL OVER 100 pounds in the last five years. That, dear friends, is not an easy task…Loosing weight two or three times over is more difficult than the first time. Trust me on that.

I know what it takes. I know the tricks. The tools. The ins and the outs. I have the desire. I have the motivation. And yet something remains elusive to me. And I have no idea why. I do not know why I will not let myself succeed.

Yes, I have been around long enough to have learned that CLEARLY, I am my own worst enemy and my biggest sabatoger. But I dont know why…

Soooo…

In the mean time. I am STILL HERE. STILL FIGHTING. STILL WANTING TO SUCCEED.

I dont know what else to do…Honestly.

Today I put my new plan in action, and it was a successful day. I did a full hour at the gym. Logged my food. And I feel good. Tired, but good…

I still hope to acheive my goal of a size nine in 2009. I have 10 1/2 months to get there. And I know I can…

Will I? Dont know…I hope so. I pray about it. I talk about it. I want it. Very much so…

I think I just really wanted to say to ANYONE out there who may be reading this:

If this is your first time around, and you are doing well, then KEEP DOING IT. Dont stop. Dont take a break. Dont let it go, because doing it the second, third, or fourth time SUCKS. Period.

If you, like me, are struggling, know that you are NOT alone. That there may not be ready answers for you, but there are plenty of people out here who relate and can at least see you through the dark times.

And until it all makes sense. Until you find your magic key. Just keep on going through the motions. Please. Dont give up.

If we give up, we die. Period.

And I dont know about you, but I sure do have a heck of a lot of livin left to do…

Take care buddies…

Or, BOCK, if accent means anything!

Well, after my mini meltdown, pity party, self loathing, etc…

I have taken many of my buddies advice and decided to do something different.

I took the whole weekend to dwell on it. Think on it. Analyze it. Etc.

I dont know why its gotten so hard for me…Truly.

I know I want this. I know I am TIRED of being fat. I know I am not happy with myself or my appearance. I know I want what I had back in 2006. The confidence. The pride in a job well done. I know it takes a while. I know 1-2 pound per week is my M.O. And I have ALWAYS been okay with this. Up till now.

Now, I am just tired and want it done.

I am soooo tired suddenly, of counting calories. Of looking at pictures and picking only the ones that hide my double chin. Of putting on pants that are too tight or show too many rolls.

I know I hate all of this.

But I have no idea how to CONTINUOUSLY chanel that into action and progress…

I havent lost my mojo. Or my desire. I have somehow lost the ability to lose even ONE pound a week. And I MUST try to find out why.

Age?

Does a few years make that much difference? (I dont know. Really.)

Has all the loss and re-gain (Like 30 times!) messed up my body so bad???

I truly dont have the answers. All I know is that of ALL my restarts, this one has been the hardest.

Prior to last week, I had been on plan for almost 7 weeks. With NO RESULTS. And that is a first for me. Honestly.

And it was a very hard pill to swallow.

But, I am loving Jo’s enthusiasm. Catrina’s dedication. Angie’s return. Kama’s progress. And countless other buddies who continue to inspire me even when I fail to inspire myself.

I havent given up. As much as I whine about it and dream about a life with no exercise, calorie counting, food journals, etc…I know this is not the life for me. I know this. I have spent enough time on this journey to know that these things, in some way, will define me for the REST of my existance. Plain and simple.

I was not graced with a good metabolism, skinny genes, whatever. I have/had two parents that are obese. Sister who has fought this fight. This is my life. And I will deal with it and accept it. But yeah, even I sometimes cry out at the unfairness of it all…

But anyway, I dont know EXACTLY what my game plan is, for I think I need to be somewhat flexible and let it play itself out…Catrina, I did ready your advice and am considering reviewing my protein.

But for now, for the immediate future, and by immediate, I mean today. (Why wait till tomorrow, right?)

Here is my plan:

I need a small break from counting calories. I have been doing it for YEARS. I can do it in my sleep. I very rarely even need books or the internet because I know how to figure calories quite accurately. Rarely these days am I suprised by a caloric count on an item. I need a change. I have done fat grams. I have done points. I have tried, with NO success Atkins. Slim Fast. Etc.

One thing I have NOT tried on this journey, is to simply eat healthy without any calculation.

Its a risk. But I am willing to try it. Short term.

So, here it is:

Exercise. This is a must for me. So for now, I am going to increase my workouts DAILY. For me, a FULL hour, no excuses, no leave earlies, etc…FIVE days minimum, per week.

Food Journal. Will still keep this. Will log my food and exercise, but I will NOT assign a point value or caloric value to it. I will simply list my food out.

Thats it, really. Its going to be VERY difficult. I am very much a creature of habit. Very much like my routines. I need the exercise. I need the food journal.

But I also need to be able to focus on one thing for now, and I have chosen to focus on exercise and resculpting my body again. It has changed alot int he last few years with the loss and regain of 10 pounds here and 10 pounds there.

I am going to try this for a few weeks…And then reaccess…If I feel no different, then I will start counting something, but most likely NOT calories. Maybe go back to weight watchers or try fiber and protein. I just dont know yet.

My body is telling me that SOMETHING I am doing right now is NOT working. And instead of wallowing in self pity, I MUST listen to my body and see if I can help it out…

Thanks everyone for all your advise and support. I will SOMEDAY be triumphant over this monster. I swear it!!!!

Thats right. I am having a big old giant whopping pity party…

Just for me!!

So. Its been a little over a week since I was last here…

Much has happened.

Monday the BF got news that after 15 years witht he Home Depot, he will be laid off in April.

Wednesday, TOM arrived with a hateful VENGENCE. I mean, CRAMPS, and the urge to eat anything and everything in site. It was a BAD one. Add in some adult acne, and well, I am sure I was a purty little thang!

Thursday my little sister flew in for a four day visit.

So Iknew I would be off kilter for the week. I didnt WANT to be, that is just how it ends up happening with me. No gym. Food journal goes to the wayside, and once again I take a break from my goals.

Normally, this wouldnt bother me. As a matter of fact, I am a big fan of taking breaks. I think it helps with long term success. But my breaks are just too darn frequent.

And today I sit here just. FRUSTRATED.

I went back to the gym on Monday. Went back to my journal on Monday, and all is okay. But NOT great.

I am frustrated with myself and my lack of progress. I didnt expect miracles. But I expected SOME noticeable changes after 7 weeks…And not only do I not notice ANYTHING. I feel fatter than ever.

Seriously.

Just uploaded pics from the weekend with my sis and I swear my face is fatter than ever. It looks gross. I look gross. And I am mad. I want to chuck everything and say FUCK IT. (Excuse my french!)

I am sooooooooooooooooo tired of it all.

I dont do anything for four months and maintain. I do things right for the first time in for months, and maintain. I dont get it.

I want to give up.

I want to starve myself.

I want to cut every inch of fat off my body.

I want to bury my head in a pint of chocolate ice cream and be done with it all.

Yep. Thats me there in the corner. Party of one…

I will take the steak, and you might as well deep fry it for me…

Lizards.

I am from Ohio, you see…We dont have Lizards in Ohio. I mean, we do, but they are kept behind cages and tanks, in pet stores, homes, or zoos. They dont run around all willy nilly like!

Apparently, here in Florida, you cant walk two inches without one shooting across your path.

When I was down here last June visiting, I found this cute. Quaint, even…I mean, I AM an animal lover…Right?

Right.

So, about one month ago, I go into my bedroom to turn in for the night, and there on my wall is a lizard. He was ten feet long if he was anything!! (Okay. That might be a SLIGHT exageration…but he didnt look so quaint up there on my wall)

So in comes the man of the house, right??

He is going to catch this beast for me. Thats what men do…

So the chase begins.

All the while I am watching from my perch on the bed, legs and feet tucked up tightly under me, JUST in case!

So he catches the darn thing. For a mili second. He apparently caught him by the tail, and as I watched in absolute horror, this little thing dropped to the ground, with his tail STILL in Brian’s hand. WIGGLELING!!! It was STILL MOVING PEOPLE!!!! I screamed soooo loud. It was the grossest thing I had ever seen…

Now, to go back just a moment, this thing got into my house because my bedroom window is currently missing a screen. No big deal. We popped the window back open and assumed the damn thing would eventually find its way back out…

Ummm. NO…

A few weeks later, I return to the scene of the crime…And sure enough, the thing is hanging out on my closet door. How do I know it was OUR lizard? He had a little stump where his tail should have been.

The man is called. The chase begins. Again.

Again, his efforts are futile. (Have you seen these things move?? Like liquid lightening…)

Into my closet it goes. Great I think. ONe day I will be putting on a shirt and a dead lizard will fall out.

Now, I dont know how long a lizard can live inside, but I am assuming this thing has GOT to be hungry. I mean, I am sure we have bugs, but, enough to live on??

So, I resign myself to the fact that I am just gonna have to share my bedroom with this thing untill it dies. As long as it does not crawl on me, I think I am okay. Right?

Sure.

So, a few more weeks go by…I am CERTAIN that this thing is dead by now, or has left via the often left open window…

That brings me to today.

I decided to be productive, right? Gonna clean my kitchen right nicely…

Go to wipe down the counters, move the cannisters on my counter, and see something moving out of the corner of my eye…

WHAT THE?!?!?!

NO…

IT CANT BE!!!!

OMG…IT ISSSSS!!

I look at him.

He looks at me.

And I think something passed between us…

I appreciated his dedication to his cause. His will to survive. His stub had grown longer…But still not a full tail…

I wanted to catch him if ONLY to let the poor thing loose outside…

But after a breif nod, a quick HELLO THERE LITTLE LIZARD, he scurried off behind the stove.

I have named him Lou…